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Girlfriend just left me after 2 1/2 years


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Hello Everyone, Here is my story...

 

My girlfriend just left me two weeks ago on Friday. We've been together for 2 1/2 years. We have a beautiful 16 month old daughter. We have been living together for the past year. She just turned 20 in March and I turned 20 in May. I came home two weeks ago after a long day of work to a note on my bed. She said the she thought it would be best if we went our separate ways. She said that she will always love me but she is just fed up with my immaturity. She thanked me for always being there for her and that she is sorry that she made me unhappy. She stated that we can discuss things about our daughter through email. I was shocked I didn't know what to think, we had gotten in a little argument the night before but I didn't think it was that big for her. I guess she just got fed up with everything. She comes from a close family and she is not one of those party girls. She cares very much about our daughter and she is focused in school right now. She is very close to my sister and she has been able to talk to her since she left. She tells her that she knows that I am her other half and that she knows that I am the guy for her but she questions whether she is the right girl for me. She feels that I get mad at her about everything and she feels that she annoys me. I've been able to realize all the mistake that I've continued to make with her and I want to given the opportunity to fix them. We have come close to breaking up a lot of times and everytime I tell her that I am going to change and I havent been able to succeed. it's not that I didnt want to change or that I didnt try hard. the problem was that I never asked her for help or i never tried to fully understand what she was feeling and what she wanted me to do to change certain aspects about me. She hates that I am not affectionate with her, and I've never been affectionate my whole life. She hates that I get mad when she comes home late (even though I know she isn't doing anything bad, she baby sits for her sister in law and sometimes she comes home late.) I guess you can say I am insecure. Feels that I dont trust her. She tells me that she feels that I'm more of a dad to her than a boyfriend. I want nothing more than to prove to her that I love her and that I am willing to change and grow and mature but she doesnt believe me, she feels that things will change for 2 weeks and then go back to normal like they have been for the last couple months. She feels it's the same as every other time. But I feel that it isn't. i understand her. She says that she needs her space and that right now she doesnt want to be with me. I told her I would give her her space. But I can't help but think about her every single day. I want nothing more than to get my family back. she let's me keep my daughter for the weekends and it hurts me to see my daughter going through this. She doesnt understand whats going on yet but when she is older i wouldnt want her to be raised like this. My girlfriend is very hurt and mad and scared. I want to give her her time to get that out of her system and for her to clear her head. I wonder if some day she will be able to forgive me for my mistakes and we can try to make our relationship work. I know she knows that I can change that's why she stayed with me for so long. I know she is the one for me. when I was in high school some 3-4 years ago i slept with around 30-35 girls. I never cared about any girls feelings or emotions or anything. Then I met my girlfriend, and my life changed after that. God blessed me with a healthy little girl. We have endured so much and I wouldnt want her to feel like it's too late or to feel like I'll never change. I dont want her to give up on me. I want to still be a part of her life and not only my daughters. She is still my family. I want us to be able to be friends atleast while we try to solve our problems. I cant help but feel like in her mind it's too late. I'm scared that I might loose her and I'm scared that I might loose my family. All I want to do is prove to her that I understand that mistakes that I've made and I admit to the mistakes that I've made. I want to be able to get a chance to correct them. I want to be able to start over with her. I know right now she doesnt want to hear it because she is hurt. But will she ever be able to forgive me? will she ever realize that I am being sincere? or will she just get over me? will she stop feeling the way she does? I know that if I do loose her that I will still love her the same and I will still be there for her. Thanks for letting me vent with you guys here. Any words of encouragement or similar stories would be appreciated. Thanks!!!

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curiousnycgirl

It is nearly impossible to read your post - you need to add paragraphs. Break it up and then you may get some responses

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You have to give her some space. And while she is gone you have to work on some of those things you are talking about changing. Think of ways you can subtly let her know that you are serious, ready to do what it takes, and trying to act more mature. She probably just wants the best for your daughter and thinks the current situation is not ideal. Don't call her constantly and beg and cry, this will only drive her away.

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Thanks Critter909...

 

I don't call her all the time. We spoke only twice since she left. When we do talk we talk about her school and little things, we don't talk about us. We joke around. We talk about our daughter. I plan on doing everything I can to prove to her that what I say is true. That I am being sincere. I don't cry in front of her and I don't beg. We spoke yesterday about the situation and she was very defensive and I told her that I respect what ever decision she makes, and that no matter what, I will still be there for her and of course for my daughter as well. The hard part is knowing how to show her and prove to her the things that I say I will do while being subtle. I want nothing more than to get my family back. I don't call her or email her everyday or nothing like that so she can see that I am giving her her space. I trust her. I hope she trusts me as well. The hardest part for me is being patient. I've always been the type of person that wants something right away. if I have a problem with something, I want to fix it right away. But I've come to realize that with our relationship, the only thing I can do is have patience. It's hard but I pray everyday and I ask God to give strength and wisdom and most importantly help me have patience and understand situations better. I hope everything works out for the best in the long run. I hope that one day she can forgive me for my mistakes. I hope she has faith in me that I can change. Thanks for the advice.

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You can learn to become more affectionate. Even if you find expressing affection in some forms to be strange at first, you can still learn to appreciate those little displays of affection.

 

Ask your gf what she would like you to do, what is important to her to feel loved and then do it.

 

If you are truly remorseful and you seem to be, then show her. I would offer to court her again, a fresh start. You were living together, now she is gone. That must be horrible, especially seeing your daughter only on the weekends.

 

However, you need to convince her that you do want to change this time. And not only for a few weeks but for good. Ask for her help in that process and ask her to tell you what bothers her so much, if you haven't already talked about it. Accept that she needs space and don't expect her to move right back in. Where did she go? Back to her parents?

 

Go out on dates again. Show her that you love her, and not in the way a father would love a daughter or a man that appreciates the mother of his child. You need to convince her that you are a man who desires/loves her as a woman. That process might be slow but it will give her time and space to see if you have changed for the better. The way I see it, you have nothing left to lose.

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WOW....Thanks a million for your advice Stockalone. She did go back to her parents house. She doesn't go out much unless she goes out with her family or her best friend. Her best friend knows how I feel. She tells me to prove to her everything that I say. I understand that right now she isn't ready to hear this. I know that whatever I tell her right now she won't allow herself to understand it because she is being defensive and she is protecting her self from allowing me to hurt her again. I feel like an ******* for the way that I treated her. I just hope that she doesn't give up on me. I hope that she is able to forgive me, so we can one day focus on a better future for ourselves and for our daughter. I love them both dearly. I love her unconditionally. I've always been attracted to skinny model looking girls and she knows that. After the pregnancy my girlfriend never regained her figure. But that never mattered to me, I never saw her differently. I always thought she was attractive, whether she gained 100 pounds or whether she lost 100 pounds. I still felt the same about her. It's so hard sleeping next to my daughters crib knowing she isn't in there and knowing that when I turn around, my girlfriend won't be laying there snoring next to me LOL. Thanks for the great advice.

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Hang in there! You sound like you really care, she is overwhelmed, give her time. I also think you should try to take her out on dates if she's willing to go, preferably without your daughter, to show her you care about her as a person.

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I don't think that dates are in the picture any time soon. She asked me if she could come by on Friday to pick up some of her things and that she would prefer if I wouldn't be here when she comes. I told her it was fine. I know right now she doesn't want to speak to me or see me. I accept that. I know that some time next week or next month or when ever she is ready, we will be able to talk about the situation. She keeps asking how does she know it's going to be different this time, she tells me that she is messed up right now. I understand, I don't want to overwhelm her. Maybe I should try calling her once every other 3 days or something. Just to ask how my daughter is and how she is doing. I know she cares about me and I know she loves me. Every one tells me the same thing that she cries and tells everyone that she knows I am the one for her, she knows that I am her other half. It just hurts me so much to know that I caused her so much pain. It hurts a lot. I never meant to hurt her and I never did the things I did knowing it would hurt her. Thanks again, for the advice. I appreciate every word you've told me.

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It just hurts me so much to know that I caused her so much pain. It hurts a lot. I never meant to hurt her and I never did the things I did knowing it would hurt her.

 

If it's not too personal, but what did you do?

 

Even though she is young, moving out with her daughter seems a pretty drastic thing to do. Certainly something that I would think one doesn't do on a whim.

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Well it was mostly immature actions. I didn't treat her like she was my girlfriend at times. During her pregnancy I really wasn't there for her that much. Not because I didn't care, but I was very overwhelmed and scared about the whole situation. I rarely go out on dates with her, not because I don't want to but because I work a lot and there is sometimes no money to go out. She doesn't work, she baby sits for her sister in law but only makes around 150 dollars a week, so I am the one who provides just about everything at home. She feels that she can't communicate with me because I am stubborn and immature. She holds things to her self and doesn't tell me what's wrong because she things I will flip out on her. I know that most of the things she hates about me I have done but I never intended to them out of malice towards her. Most of the time I never knew that I was hurting her or that they made her feel bad becuase she wouldn't tell me. Most importantly I made her feel like I didn't want to be with her, like she annoyed me. That is not the case, like I said before, I've never been affectionate my whole life. That doesn't mean that I don't have a noble heart. I love her so much. I wish I could have done things differently. But I understand that if she would have never left, I would have never realized my mistakes. I just hope that she still has hope and that she doesn't give up on me. I know right now she wants to be alone, she doesn't want to attempt anything with me. I respect that, I know that this will be a long long process in rebuilding. I'm going to do everything that I can to show her, and hopefully she will realize that things that I do. I never cheated on her and she has never cheated on me. I use to have a lot of female friends and she found out about them and she thought I was cheating on her. But I would never hurt her in that way. I stopped talking to a lot of my female friends for her, to show her that there wasn't anything there. This is very painful and I know it's painful for her as well. I just hope it works out in the end.

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I gotta wonder out loud if she's talking to someone else. Given the story, timeline, dynamic and age, it just follows. Sorry about that :(

 

Be there for your daughter and let your GF be for now. If she wants to be with you, she will. You have no control over that outcome. Perhaps your daughter can teach you about affection :)

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saraispiel19

ah well your love sound pure and true- sure there are a couple quirks here and there but i think honestly that she'll come back around. Space is truly the best thing you can do right now and wait till she comes back (maybe sending her a few flowers and things like that here and there would be nice). Have you ever tried couples counciling? I believe you would both benefit to it-- and suggesting it to your girlfriend would definately be a step for a change and showing her that you are changing. Try it!

 

good luck to you both but i see a happy ending here.

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Thanks for everyones positive feedback. I don't believe she is talking to anyone else, she still talks to my sister a lot, they are like sisters, I'm close to her brothers, we still talk pretty often. I doubt it but of course the possibility exists. My mom and my sister and her best friend keep telling me the same thing; "Just give her time, prove to her what you say, and believe me she will come back to you." It's just hard to not think negative you know. It's hard to not feel like it's over. I'm trying to stay as positive as possible. It's just very hard. Thanks again for all the positive feedback.

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Ok...well she just stopped by to pick up her stuff. She took everything. I asked her if I could keep her smiley faces towel and she smiled and said yes. We joked around while I helped her pack her stuff. I hugged her and she hugged me back but then i guess she felt like she was giving in so she pulled away. I asked her if she ever saw her self with me one day and she said "yes, one day." She asked if we could stop talking about us because she said she didn't want to get emotional. She said that we would speak about us when she was ready. I told her that I wanted her to tell me everything that I do that hurts her and what she would want me to do to improve it and she said yea. then later on she said that she already told me too many times. It's almost like she gives in and then she takes it back. Almost like if she is scared to tell me how she feels or what she is going through. When we said good bye we kinda play wrestled and she laughed. I slapped her butt (it's something I've always done and she always smiles and hits my belly) and she smiled. We hugged, and I asked her for a kiss on the cheek and she smiled and gave me a quick kiss on the cheek. Then when I put our daughter in her car and said good bye, our daughter started crying, almost like if she knew that we would be splitting again. Then I closed the door and I looked at her and she smiled and I told her to have faith in me and to think positive about the things that I told her. She just smiled but you can see the pain in her eyes. She is going to the beach this weekend with her family while I stay with our daughter and I asked if she could call me when she was there and she said yes. I told her that I was going to prove everything that I say and that this isn't like every other time. I am willing to make the full change. She always hated that I still had girls numbers in my phone, so I told her that I would delete them as a first step, to show her that no one else matters to me but her. So i started deleting them and she was looking at me delete them and she seemed happy but then she said that it didn't matter that I could still find a way to talk to them. I feel good that I got a chance to see her but it hurts that she took EVERYTHING. but I understand that it's part of giving her her space. I hope that we can get back together soon, before our daughters 2nd birthday which is on January 31 of next year. I want to be able to spend Christmas and New Years with her. I know I can make her happy and I think that deep down inside she knows that I can too.

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Good idea about the phone. It's a small thing but it shows you are trying. Keep it up

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theobserver

Sounds to me like your girlfriend just wanted some quality affection but due to time restraints with work, and money problems this was just not really possible. It also seems allt he little things that might not of been a big deal to you really bothered her, numbers of all these girls on your phone and perhaps other little things shes mentioned in the past that you've ignored as not a big deal she'll get over it.

 

I just get that feeling that just as she told you she's told you what needs to be changed you just never dealt with it it's now up to you to remember all those little things "She always hated that I still had girls numbers in my phone, so I told her that I would delete them as a first step" that's just one example you did know it was a problem and only dealt with it now. Think hard.

 

You seem like a good guy, work on the problems what you feel they may be and be genuine on fixing them not just to get her back and then go back to it. Stay positive, don't stray on your time alone. Call her once every few days, ask how she's doing ask to speak you your daughter daily if possible don't try to let your feelings on the situation slip up when talking to your daughter if you use her as a tool to get your girlfriend back she will hate you.Take your daughter out when you can.

 

Also understand she may never come back and prepare.

I also get the feeling somene may have talked to her (don't say you know your girlfriend because you really dont You didn't see it coming that she'd leave you with yoru child when you came home to a note) and possibly said get away from this inconsiderate man always arguing when you try to explain things etc.

 

Good luck whatever happens. Be mellow.

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Thanks for the feedback. I know that her sister in law has been talking to her. She told me that she tried to compare our relationship to what her sister in law went through with her Son's father. I think that scared her and I think she might have felt that something like that could happen to us. I understand I might never get her back. I have a strong feeling that deep down inside she knows that I can change. Deep down inside she knows that I can be that guy she fell in love with but with more growth and maturity. I hate to ask this and I know there really isn't an answer to this. But when do you guys think she will try to talk to me about the situation? I know you don't know her or know what she thinks but based on past experiences. She told my sister that she would be crushed if she found out one day that some other girl can make me happier. I'm not going out clubbing or trying to date or going back to how i use to be and just have sex with any girl. I know that the only girl that can bring happiness into my life is my girlfriend. With her and my daughter by my side I know I can grow and mature to be a good father for my daughter and one day a good husband for my girlfriend. It's scary because our daughter is only 16 months but it seems like she feels whats going on right now. When I picked her up last friday she seemed shy or mad at me, then she gave in started hugging me and playing with me. On Saturday i was feeling down just thinking about my girlfriend and my daughter sat next to me and stroked my hair and rubbed my back. KEEP IN MIND SHE IS ONLY 16 MONTHS! then when I dropped her off she seemed sad. My girlfriend told me that when I dropped her off that our daughter was shy and mad at her too the same way she was with me. She told me that when she cried that my daughter would sit on here lap and wipe her tears from her eyes and rub her back. Today when she came to get her things she brought our daughter, when me and my girlfriend hugged our daughter ran in between our legs and we picked her up and us three hugged together. She seemed so happy to be with her mommy and daddy. When they were leaving I put her in the car seat and she started crying like she knew that were splitting again. I closed the door and looked at my girlfriend and she just smiled at me in a shy way. I looked at her and smiled and told her to have faith and to think positive, and to think about what I tell her. She just nodded her head as if to say "yes" and smiled. We hugged and she kissed my cheek and smiled. I blessed with the opportunity that I just had. I'm sad that she took every single thing. But I understand that this is THAT serious. This is REAL...either I change, or I loose them forever.

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