I lied and cheated, and he left me

[gummybear]

Things were great for 4 months, then I became unhappy and wanted more so I broke up with my then-bf him but then asked him back. Then one day I met another guy and went out with the guy a few times while lieing to my bf that I was out with friends but then I broke up with this guy after a few dates because I still want to be with my bf. 2 days later my bf pissed me off so I broke up with him again and told him that I lied and cheated on him 2 days ago. I later apologized but my bf didn't want anything to do with me after that.

 

Then after 1.5 months we saw each other again and he told me he missed me and wanted us to just be together. I then realized how much I love my bf and how much he means to me. That lasted a month and then he told me that he can't get over what I did and that things will never be the same again, and he has trouble believing anything I say, so he broke up with me. I pleaded at first but then I saw that it was over and then I told him that I love him but I know what I did and that I can never expect him to forgive me and be with me. I don't deserve to expect anything from him.

 

It has been 2 weeks since the breakup and 1 week without contact. Eventhough I feel heartbroken, everyone tells me that I am the only one to blame. My friends tell me that my ex truly loved me and tried to make it work, but that I had broke his trust and love beyond repair. But they told me to learn from my mistakes and move on. I was just wondering if anyone ever experienced something similar.

[sunshinegirl]

Um, yes? But on the other side. I was lied to and cheated on. It is AWFUL. To be honest, I am not sure what kind of sympathy you will get from folks. Not a ton from me, I must say.

 

You don't seem to exhibit any self-reflection, insight, or learning around why you treated your boyfriend in such a manner. If you want to have healthier relationships in the future, you probably ought to start looking inward to figure out why you did what you did, and how you will avoid doing something similar to someone else.

[gummybear]

Um, yes? But on the other side. I was lied to and cheated on. It is AWFUL. To be honest, I am not sure what kind of sympathy you will get from folks. Not a ton from me, I must say.

 

You don't seem to exhibit any self-reflection, insight, or learning around why you treated your boyfriend in such a manner. If you want to have healthier relationships in the future, you probably ought to start looking inward to figure out why you did what you did, and how you will avoid doing something similar to someone else.

 

Yes I do realize my mistakes but by then it was too late. I vowed to never cheat on and hurt my bf again but the damage has been done. I know I will never cheat and be reckless again with anyone else. When I saw how much I hurt my bf when he found out I cheated, I cried and cried and cried. I am sorry to hear you got hurt. What happened afterward? Did you stay with the person who cheated on you?

[sunshinegirl]

Yes I do realize my mistakes but by then it was too late. I vowed to never cheat on and hurt my bf again but the damage has been done. I know I will never cheat and be reckless again with anyone else. When I saw how much I hurt my bf when he found out I cheated, I cried and cried and cried. I am sorry to hear you got hurt. What happened afterward? Did you stay with the person who cheated on you?

 

I have a number of threads in the Coping section that you can look up for background. Short version: no, we're not together. He cheated on me and then left me for her.

 

It will be well worth your while to explore WHY you did what you did, not merely to be satisfied with "and I'll never do it again!" If you truly want to make sure you don't do it again, you have to understand the underlying drivers behind it in the first place.

 

And that's about as much as I can offer you. The kind of damage that lying and cheating inflicts on the betrayed partner is incredibly deep, scarring, and very hard to move on from.

[norajane]

I agree with sunshinegirl - you really need to think about why you did everything that you did. Not just the cheating and lying, but also why you broke up with him the first time when "things were great" but you "became unhappy and wanted more."

 

What was it that made you unhappy? What "more" did you think you wanted? Why weren't you able to make this relationship work for more than 4 months...or did you back off when the relationship started to require work, which all relationships do? Why didn't you talk through your issues with your bf before breaking up with him? Why didn't you hesitate to cheat on him when you met the other guy? Wasn't there a voice in your head that told you NOT to cheat on your bf? Why did you ignore it?

 

Maybe your expectations about what makes for a good relationship need adjustment and more maturity. Whatever it is, the answer lies within you, not with the guy you're dating. Lots of people who are unhappy will talk it through and try to make things better, and if that doesn't work, they break up. But they don't cheat even if the relationship isn't working.

 

For some reason, you thought cheating was a good idea, and you need to figure what it is about yourself that made you think it was ok to betray your bf's trust and do something that's pretty selfish and mean.

[gummybear]

Thanks sunshine and NJ - in fact, I did realize my mistakes and understood WHY I did what I did. For the month I was back with my bf I tried hard to make it work and i was alot more loving and patient and my bf saw it too. But he said that even if I did change, it is too late. I did what I did before because I was confused, impatient and reckless. But now I know my faults and the reason for them. I guess I am here mainly to cope and want to know if anyone who's ever cheated and had to deal with the regret, guilt and loss.

[norajane]

Read some of the threads in the Cheating, Flirting and Jealousy forum, as well as the Coping forum. You'll probably find others in your situation, or will get insights from people who have been cheated on.

[kizik]

Unfortunately (for you), you will find that not a lot of folks here on the Breakup / Coping board have a ton of sympathy for lying, cheating exes. I DO respect the fact that you, Gummy, have feelings and wish to share them. But I would venture that 90% of the people on this board were left. Cheated on, lied to, betrayed or simply neglected.

 

So, be cautious is discussing your betrayals, simply because you represent to ME, at least, the kind of person who should be off somewhere f*cking the new guy... and not posting on Internet boards.

 

That is a right we losers reserve for ourselves.

[gummybear]

Read some of the threads in the Cheating, Flirting and Jealousy forum, as well as the Coping forum. You'll probably find others in your situation, or will get insights from people who have been cheated on.

 

Oooh, is there a way I can move my thread over there?

 

And yes kizik, when I was apart from my bf for 1.5 months I did get back with that other guy and tried to move on. But it was too hard, he was just a rebound and I didn't feel for him (and ended up hurting him as well). In fact, he made me realize how much I actually do love my bf. I honestly would have done just about anything for my bf because I realized how much I loved him. I guess I deserved it that my bf left me though. Karma.

[Nevermind]

Mh. You write some facts, but I don't really see inner turmoil or desperation.

Why do I need to see those to feel sympathy? Because your ex-boyfriend surely feels those emotions.

 

Sorry. If you truly regret it, work on your issues. It's never a simple : I was confused and impatient. If it was, it would mean your boyfried was just a way to spend some time. Your reasons better be big, or your love wasn't.

 

Which is okay, but you need to figure it out.

 

Good luck with that.

 

Oh, yeah: cheated and lied on. Heartbroken. Will never recover.

[gummybear]

Mh. You write some facts, but I don't really see inner turmoil or desperation.

Why do I need to see those to feel sympathy? Because your ex-boyfriend surely feels those emotions.

 

Sorry. If you truly regret it, work on your issues. It's never a simple : I was confused and impatient. If it was, it would mean your boyfried was just a way to spend some time. Your reasons better be big, or your love wasn't.

 

Which is okay, but you need to figure it out.

 

Good luck with that.

 

Oh, yeah: cheated and lied on. Heartbroken. Will never recover.

 

Well you were not there when I cried and pleaded for my bf to stay with me. He coldly told me that it's over, while just one month before that he told me that he basically wanted to be with me forever. I don't blame him for leaving me. The pain I feel is not from rejection, but from losing someone who I realized I love with all my heart. Perhaps you and a few others on this thread do not understand fully because the one who cheated on you left you and did not beg you to take them back. Thing is, I know my ex bf loves me, but he can't get himself to forgive me. He tried, but he can't. He hates me for lieing and cheating on him, but at least it is somewhat subsided by the fact that I totally regret it and begged for him back. It doesn't exactly compensate the hurt I put him through, but maybe you might know what I mean. He will still have trust issues in the future with other girls I know and that sucks since I believe I'm the first girl who lied and cheated on him.

[Nevermind]

Pleading is not good enough. Grow and be a better person. If he sees you can change, he might give you another chance.

 

You are mistakes, for some days the pleading was intense on his side. It ended when I told his affair about me. See, he was a double-cheater. And it was me who left.

 

I don't want to hurt you, but you need to understand that cheating cannot be just "shrugged off" neither by the cheater not the betrayed partner.

[gummybear]

Pleading is not good enough. Grow and be a better person. If he sees you can change, he might give you another chance.

 

You are mistakes, for some days the pleading was intense on his side. It ended when I told his affair about me. See, he was a double-cheater. And it was me who left.

 

I don't want to hurt you, but you need to understand that cheating cannot be just "shrugged off" neither by the cheater not the betrayed partner.

 

Ever since I cheated I went to therapy to deal with my issues and I didn't get back with him until after 2 months of therapy and until I felt ready. He was happy when we first got back together, but then he realized that even if I did change, he can't help how he feels. He can't forget the past he said. He can not help not trusting me, he said he thinks I'm still seeing the other guy (I'm not!), and he started to resent me and he would get annoyed easily with me during the month we were back together. Our relationship is beyond repair and I got myself to accept that a few days after the breakup. I'm not posting on how to win him back. Perhaps I'm just posting because I feel like I would like a place to cope with this. I'm feeling alot better now than when we just broke up but sometimes I still find myself thinking of all the hurt I put him through and I'd break down in tears. I am still haunted by the images of how I hurt the one I love. Eventhough he dumped me, at times when those images come back I still feel like I want to just hold him and tell him that I'm sorry for all I did to him. I didn't realize how much I love him until it was too late. Karma.

[twice_shy]

Things were great for 4 months, then I became unhappy and wanted more so I broke up with my then-bf him but then asked him back. Then one day I met another guy and went out with the guy a few times while lieing to my bf that I was out with friends but then I broke up with this guy after a few dates because I still want to be with my bf. 2 days later my bf pissed me off so I broke up with him again and told him that I lied and cheated on him 2 days ago. I later apologized but my bf didn't want anything to do with me after that.

 

Good for him. Not only did you play roller coaster with this guy's emotions, breaking up with him, then you asked him back, only to cheat on him after YOU asked him back....you then viciously throw your cheating in his face during an argument. I wouldn't want someone so vindictive either. Let alone a cheater.

 

 

Then after 1.5 months we saw each other again and he told me he missed me and wanted us to just be together.

 

Aye yi yi. What is this guy thinking??

 

 

I then realized how much I love my bf and how much he means to me. That lasted a month and then he told me that he can't get over what I did and that things will never be the same again, and he has trouble believing anything I say, so he broke up with me.

 

Can't blame him. Cheating and infidelity scars a person. Forgiving may be one thing, forgetting will never happen.

 

 

I pleaded at first but then I saw that it was over and then I told him that I love him but I know what I did and that I can never expect him to forgive me and be with me. I don't deserve to expect anything from him.

 

It has been 2 weeks since the breakup and 1 week without contact. Eventhough I feel heartbroken, everyone tells me that I am the only one to blame. My friends tell me that my ex truly loved me and tried to make it work, but that I had broke his trust and love beyond repair. But they told me to learn from my mistakes and move on. I was just wondering if anyone ever experienced something similar.

 

I have never cheated on anyone, so I can't speak from that standpoint.

 

I can say as someone cheated on that your friends are 100% correct. Move on and learn(although cheating isn't a mistake, learn anyway).

 

Next time you find someone you love, and you are tempted to cheat, think about what would happen if you lose him.

 

But then again, if you are tempted to cheat, you shouldn't be in a committed relationship anyway.

[gummybear]

Pleading is not good enough. Grow and be a better person. If he sees you can change, he might give you another chance.

 

I know that it's over, but say hypothetically that I want another chance. How should I proceed to win him back?

[v33]

My friends tell me that my ex truly loved me and tried to make it work, but that I had broke his trust and love beyond repair.

 

I only wish my ex understood how much of a mistake she made when she cheated on and left me. Sadly her friends will never say these things to her as she lied to them about me so she would have their support in leaving someone whom they knew was so good for her.

 

I would say that you should leave your ex alone for a while and see if he gets in touch with you. Perhaps he has had enough and just cannot forgive what you have done. If that's the case you are just going to have to move on and learn from your mistakes. Love is not something to take lightly. I am sure you had your reasons for doing what you did, but you need to take some time and really think things over.

[vivrantflo]

Gummybear I feel for you.

 

I know exactly how you feel, for I was in your shoes almost two years ago

 

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t110697/

 

 

There is the link to my original post if you'd like to check it out. Nevermind pretty much nailed it on the head..

 

"Pleading is not good enough. Grow and be a better person. If he sees you can change, he might give you another chance."

 

 

After my breakup with my ex, I pleaded, cried, begged this woman for another chance.. and it was all in vain. She met some other dude in a club two weeks later and started dating him.. her and I were together 3.5 years.

 

After I realized that she owed me nothing at all.. it forced me to look in the mirror and find out what the hell was wrong with me! Why did I take a dump on a 3.5 year relationship, just to go on a break, and then break my woman's heart??

 

Over the year and a half, I talked to a lot of friends, family, church family, to help decipher what the deal was... and now I see things in a complete different light. The changes I made took more than a year to come into effect.

 

Now your question is "How do I win him back?" That was the same question I asked... and Im going to have to give you the same answer that I got.... you can't.

 

All you can do is let him know that you do love him, answer any and all questions he may have, and then leave him alone. He has to make the decision to come back and give you another shot. There's nothing you can say, or do to persuade him, or help change his mind.

 

And if he does, it won't be for a while.

 

The breakup between my ex and myself was in Nov '06.. I begged and waited around for 5 months and she wouldn't budge... After that, I went NC, then NFC..and only recently... 3 weeks ago, she said that she still loves me, and wants me back, but she needs time...she claims she's mostly over what I did, but she's still not 100% over it.

 

And this all happend more than a year and a half ago.

 

Try not to count on a second chance.. all you can do is learn from this.. cause the lesson you'll learn will be soooo valuable for your next relationship! You'll put your next partner on such a higher regard, you'll never make that choice to cheat again.

 

It's hard to get support from people on this board, cause a lot of people on here were victims of what we've done. But over time, I've been told that I give great advice on here, cause I've honestly changed my viewpoint on relationships, and how people deserve to be treated. Most people are shocked to read my original story cause it doesn't correlate as to how I am now!! lol But it's proof that changes can be made, and we can learn from our mistakes!

 

Keep your head up.. and strive to deal with your issues.. not just to impress him, or win him back... but for yourself... cause this experience can end up making you a much much better person and lover in the long run!

 

Good luck

[gummybear]

This **** happens to me all the damn time. heh

 

You see, when/if they come back, you never look at them the same again. At first, you are happy to just be back together, but then after a while, you get back into the swing of things, and you can't help but look at the cheater with disgust, and you can never love them the same, and everything is just ****ed. It really sucks when this happens, but it shouldn't happen in the first place.

 

Yea that was pretty much exactly what happened with me and my ex. What do you mean it happens to you all the time? So when you take them back, do you put up with it or do you just eventually leave them (even if they do not cheat again that is)? And once you leave them, do you ever take them back? (this question as you can see is most important given my situation hehe). And if you did, what did it take for the person to make you take them back? Should I be doing NC? Or should I be his friend and try to earn his trust again?

 

For now, I think being his friend might be too painful. I'm seriously considering just NCing forever and moving on with my life and find a new guy I'd for sure know to treat right this time. But ofcourse, I'm also just curious about the other option.

[sparktonSS]

Things were great for 4 months, then I became unhappy and wanted more so I broke up with my then-bf him but then asked him back.

 

Mmmhmm.

 

Then one day I met another guy and went out with the guy a few times while lieing to my bf that I was out with friends but then I broke up with this guy after a few dates because I still want to be with my bf.

 

WOW!! Some gf you must be

 

2 days later my bf pissed me off so I broke up with him again and told him that I lied and cheated on him 2 days ago. I later apologized but my bf didn't want anything to do with me after that.

 

SO, to sum this up...YOU lied and cheated on your "bf", and HE pisses YOU off so YOU dump HIM?? :sick::sick::sick:

 

I then realized how much I love my bf and how much he means to me.

 

Lies. Complete lies. :sick::sick:

 

I don't deserve to expect anything from him.

 

Ding ding ding!!! What has she won today, Johnny?

 

Eventhough I feel heartbroken, everyone tells me that I am the only one to blame. My friends tell me that my ex truly loved me and tried to make it work, but that I had broke his trust and love beyond repair. But they told me to learn from my mistakes and move on.

 

Your friends are correct. At least your friends are decent human beings.

 

 

I was just wondering if anyone ever experienced something similar.

 

Sure. My exgf cheated on me without telling me. So, I went into instant super no contact mode for about 5 months. It hurt her like hell, and to be honest I loved every single minute of it.

[gummybear]

Sure. My exgf cheated on me without telling me. So, I went into instant super no contact mode for about 5 months. It hurt her like hell, and to be honest I loved every single minute of it.

 

Wow. What was the story here exactly?

 

Difference is my ex would still talk to me if I contacted him, even when we were on a break after I broke up with him and confessed I cheated, he still talked to me (he refused to for the first week or so but then he became nice again). He still loves me and cares bout me, but when he is with me those thoughts of what I did to him in the past just creep up to him and makes him hate me. He can not accept what I did. He tried to, but he can't. He is still nice to me though at least.

[ioncebelieved]

 

Eventhough I feel heartbroken, everyone tells me that I am the only one to blame. My friends tell me that my ex truly loved me and tried to make it work, but that I had broke his trust and love beyond repair. But they told me to learn from my mistakes and move on. I was just wondering if anyone ever experienced something similar.

 

If you are in pain, let that feeling be your guide as a lesson learned!! Sorry that I can not sympathize or empathize with you here. The old saying guess, "Schoolin' aint cheap" holds true here and may you learn your lesson. Good luck!!!

[gummybear]

If you are in pain, let that feeling be your guide as a lesson learned!! Sorry that I can not sympathize or empathize with you here. The old saying guess, "Schoolin' aint cheap" holds true here and may you learn your lesson. Good luck!!!

 

Yea in a way it helps to hear people say I deserved what I got and I don't deserve another chance. It's a wakeup call to learn and move on and to treat the next guy right. I'm looking forward and moving on. Thanks.

[ioncebelieved]

I wish that I could say otherwise, but I was absolutely great to my ex (I guess that is what I call her) and she played silly games and was married and lied about getting a divorce. I am still trying to climb out of the hole she left me in. I do not tell you things to be a hard ass , but to inspire you to be more respectful, be more honest, be more correct with the next love you have and his heart!

[gummybear]

I wish that I could say otherwise, but I was absolutely great to my ex (I guess that is what I call her) and she played silly games and was married and lied about getting a divorce. I am still trying to climb out of the hole she left me in. I do not tell you things to be a hard ass , but to inspire you to be more respectful, be more honest, be more correct with the next love you have and his heart!

 

If I truly was using my ex or did not love him like many of you say, then I would have just left him for good and dated that other guy. But I didn't. I came back. I DID learn my mistake. Ofcourse it was too late. I know this will make many of you wanna vomit, but there is a differnce between someone who regrets what they did and try to save the relationship vs someone who lies, cheats, regrets a little bit, and leaves for good.

 

The one being dumped for good is the one who is ultimately in the most pain at least in the very end. He might have gotten hurt by me, but at least he *somewhat* saved his ego in that he ultimately was the one who left me for good. Ofcourse I deserved it, but I have no regrets in that I'd rather be the one hurt in the end instead of him. I can never hurt him again. That is a promise I made to myself after I cheated and saw how much my cheating hurt him. Still brings me to tears at times when I recall the incident.

[ioncebelieved]

Do not mistake my attitude for what I think you should do!!!! By all means, if you love him, fight for him. Let him make the decision on what he does with it and if he accepts you again be better to him. I would allow my ex back in, but her actions would have to be spot on instead of cheap ass talk. Ya feel me????