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Moving On Without Moving Out


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Hi guys,

 

This is my first post here, but I've been reading for a while.

 

I would like to get some insight on a quickly deteriorating situation. The best way I know to describe this is to give some background first: A year ago my now-ex moved in with me. I am 42 / he's in his mid 50s. He has a law degree, but had not practiced in a while. I never finished college. This is significant (though maybe it "shouldn't be"), because the better I did, the worst he acted, even at one point saying that he felt "inadequate". I am no showboat, or know-it-all, but just plain old smart & efficient. He is working now as a contract attorney as a result of my research and other effort - including encouraging him, which he initially thanked me for - he was too down to actually pursue it (I completely understand, I've been in situations too where I felt hopeless & helpless). Anyway, he is now earning more than he had in several years. Well, what's the problem, right?

 

The problem is, the better things got, the more he resented me. I think because I didn't finish school he expected me to be "one down" (less smart, efficient, resourceful, etc.). And by better I mean that he wanted me to help fix his credit, which I did, and only knew how because I had been thoroughly researching the subject for a couple of years. I just like the shortest, straightest line to a solution as possible, which was counter to his thinking - he complicates everything (I know, that's the lawyer stereotype). In January I purchased a European car with his help. After the "help", which he offered, he pretty much lost it - he was so angry, as if I would not give him his money back (I told him up front, before accepting it that I did not know how soon I could pay him back). I gave him 1/3 back (now paid in full - and he actually owes me $$, since he's the one keeping score -but you better bet he's not beating that to death). He left and took a trip to the West Coast & cheated with an old s*xbuddy. He came back & I confronted him - he said things were over.

 

That was early March, and as of today he still will NOT move out. Even though he's working, I earn more than him (which I've never flaunted), and I believe he feels resentful and entitled to stay (I'm sorry, I just think this man is a "hater"). I added him to my lease to not violate the terms of my lease, and also so that he knew I felt he was equal, not living in "my" place.

 

I thought this thing would lead to marriage - instead it led to him cheating, internet porn, phone sex, and worst of all, a thick uncomfortable atmosphere at home (we've known each other for 8 years, btw).

 

I have 2 kids who are preteens - him being there is beginning to take a toll even on them. I've consulted the landlord, the landlord's attorney, the courts, the police - and there's nothing I can do, which is what he's banking on. I've even asked, "Why would you stay where you're not wanted"? and "When you break up, you're supposed to move out", yet he stays. He was out all this holiday weekend, without bothering to say when he'd be back - it was stressful just knowing he can walk in, whenever he chooses. It is so disrespectful.

 

My lease is up mid-July, and he's told the landlord only that he thinks he'll leave soon, but would not commit to when. I have been struggling dealing with this - him using the situation as a stepping stone. Sorry for the long post, but my friends are sick of hearing about this. I am trying to hang in there in case he stays till the lease is up, but right now 6 weeks seems like FOREVER. I can't break the lease because it would cause me to lose a HUGE deposit, and I added him to the lease, we didn't move in at the same time.

 

Any words of wisdom/insight will be greatly appreciated. Oh, and one SPECIFIC question I have is, how do you do NC when the person is in the same home?

 

Thanks.

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  • 4 weeks later...
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No replies to my 1st post, but here's an update, anyway:

 

He returned the 1st week of June from a short trip to the West Coast. That night I could tell he was trying to pick a fight - he was getting increasingly agitated. Asked me about a piece of computer hardware he had loaned me months before - I told him I would return it after removing some files from it. . . he grabbed me, demanding it (there's about 8" and 80 lb difference between us), wrenching my arm, refusing to let go, and we tussled through 3 rooms. . . long story short I called the cops, filed for a protection order with the comissioner, and the sherriff escorted him out that night.

 

The whole thing was just so unlike him. Looking back though, the increasing resentment seemed to turn into hate . . . he was enraged that night - it was scary. For me and the kids. They've never seen anything like that, and this man was not even their father. . . So now, he's out, off the lease, and it's over. I'm just trying to heal emotionally.

 

M

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