LuCidiTy Posted March 30, 2008 Share Posted March 30, 2008 (edited) I feel so very, very angry right now but I don't know why or at who or what. It's like I'm not "allowed" to be angry at him because he made sure of that when he left us in the dirt by saying all those things a man says to gain control and sympathy when he simply can't tell the truth, and which I like a fool believed even as he was slamming the door. It's like I'm not allowed to be angry at myself because I did nothing "wrong" except choose the wrong person to give my heart to. I'm just supposed to stay all strong and understanding and pick up the pieces and carry on when all I really want to do is punch things now. Me, who has never thrown a punch or hit anyone or anything in her life! And for some reason his face would be a very welcome target. But hell. Maybe there simply isn't anything to be angry at or with and that's part of the problem and part of what makes this so hard? And then I did the stupidest thing of all. Damnit. Edited March 30, 2008 by LuCidiTy Link to post Share on other sites
Author LuCidiTy Posted March 30, 2008 Author Share Posted March 30, 2008 (edited) i feel like i'm losing my mind! i cry at the drop of a hat and it's so stupid! not to mention uncontrollable. Edited March 30, 2008 by LuCidiTy Link to post Share on other sites
sedona Posted March 30, 2008 Share Posted March 30, 2008 I'm just supposed to stay all strong and understanding and pick up the pieces and carry on when all I really want to do is punch things now. Who says you have to be all strong? Link to post Share on other sites
Author LuCidiTy Posted March 30, 2008 Author Share Posted March 30, 2008 ummm... i don't? Link to post Share on other sites
Walking away Posted March 30, 2008 Share Posted March 30, 2008 You are grieving. And anger is one of the steps. It sucks. I am there, too. And I want to punch my guy's lights out too. Too bad he lives in a different state. Link to post Share on other sites
sedona Posted March 30, 2008 Share Posted March 30, 2008 You don't always have to be strong. You're allowed to be upset and angry and depressed and all of those other things you're feeling now. It's ok to admit that you need help. It's ok not to always be little Miss Perfect. Sometimes your body or mind is telling you that although you think you should have certain priorities, you're just plain wrong. What is it you really need now? What will help you now? How can you make it happen? Think outside the box. Link to post Share on other sites
Prosecco Posted March 30, 2008 Share Posted March 30, 2008 On topic, but about me (as always ) - I've always 'been strong' emotionally.... It's not a good thing - and is leading me to seek therapy now. Even my closest friends joke that i'm emotionally retarded, because I refuse to be sad/depressed/angry in front of them. Emotions are... fun. Even the painful ones remind us we're alive. You're alive. Welcome to anger. Now - stop being strong - vent, scream, bawl, cry. Then have a good sleep, as you'll be exhausted. x Link to post Share on other sites
Lucky555 Posted March 30, 2008 Share Posted March 30, 2008 wow i was just going to post about being angry. I am trying to mentally get myself away from a very manipulative guy. He does not treat me how i want to be treated. After going out two weeks ago he never contacted me at all. Its as if he expected me to be there. However, I have a life and i have to find someone better I am angry for picking the wrong guy too but you dont know who they are till you get to know them. I let it drag on for 2 years off and on. For what? This was the second time around and its the same cycle. I am very frustrated and angry because it takes a lot of emotional energy to pick ourselves back up. I did my nails today though working towards benefiting me and trying to forget about him. So i feel for you. Nothing i can say will change things but try to do for you now . You know you deserve so much more happiness. There will be a day that you will smile and think about how much better off you are! Link to post Share on other sites
Author LuCidiTy Posted March 30, 2008 Author Share Posted March 30, 2008 You are grieving. And anger is one of the steps. It sucks. I am there, too. And I want to punch my guy's lights out too. Too bad he lives in a different state. yeah...those five steps again, eh? now i don't just wander around crying, i wander around crying and muttering to myself angrily! i'm thinking they probably know we want to punch their lights out...hence the scarceness. lol Link to post Share on other sites
Prosecco Posted March 30, 2008 Share Posted March 30, 2008 On the plus side - I'm the scary person on public transport - I get seats to myself! (I find humour in odd things atm. Like - if you're looking glum in public, random strangers say things like: "smile" or 'cheer up, it may never happen". If you're actually- they all shift away uneasily, and try to pretend you aren't there. People are weird... Link to post Share on other sites
Author LuCidiTy Posted March 30, 2008 Author Share Posted March 30, 2008 You don't always have to be strong. You're allowed to be upset and angry and depressed and all of those other things you're feeling now. It's ok to admit that you need help. It's ok not to always be little Miss Perfect. Sometimes your body or mind is telling you that although you think you should have certain priorities, you're just plain wrong. What is it you really need now? What will help you now? How can you make it happen? Think outside the box. thanks. guess i needed to hear that. we always have to wear that mask it seems...in front of the kids, at work, out in polite society. it gets to the point where that feels like what's expected and it becomes hard to let it down for anyone or anything. even for yourself. hell i also feel like i'm not fit to be let out of my cage because there's no telling when i'll burst into tears (or now perhaps even punch something?!) sometimes just being around people sets me off, you know? walking through the tears is getting tough. as for needs? i really have no idea what i need. i'm totally numb at this point. what i want is for it to be six months from now because i honestly don't know if i have the stamina to sustain this level of grief and anguish, but also don't want to wish life away. i want to never have met him, to have followed my initial instincts when i did, to just erase it all. but that's not getting out of the box, is it? Link to post Share on other sites
Author LuCidiTy Posted March 30, 2008 Author Share Posted March 30, 2008 On the plus side - I'm the scary person on public transport - I get seats to myself! (I find humour in odd things atm. Like - if you're looking glum in public, random strangers say things like: "smile" or 'cheer up, it may never happen". If you're actually- they all shift away uneasily, and try to pretend you aren't there. People are weird... hahaha...this is actually true and made me laugh. thanks! haha at this point anyone who told me to smile would be a contender for a punching bag! gaaaa...a recurring theme. *signs up for kickboxing class Link to post Share on other sites
Author LuCidiTy Posted March 30, 2008 Author Share Posted March 30, 2008 wow i was just going to post about being angry. I am trying to mentally get myself away from a very manipulative guy. He does not treat me how i want to be treated. After going out two weeks ago he never contacted me at all. Its as if he expected me to be there. However, I have a life and i have to find someone better I am angry for picking the wrong guy too but you dont know who they are till you get to know them. I let it drag on for 2 years off and on. For what? This was the second time around and its the same cycle. I am very frustrated and angry because it takes a lot of emotional energy to pick ourselves back up. I did my nails today though working towards benefiting me and trying to forget about him. So i feel for you. Nothing i can say will change things but try to do for you now . You know you deserve so much more happiness. There will be a day that you will smile and think about how much better off you are! it's hard to figure out why we allow things we know aren't good for us to go on. fascinating how we excuse one thing after another, and for what? yes there will be that day for all of us. i'm so looking forward to that reunion too. to see where everyone is in six months...no matter what stage they're at now. thank you! Link to post Share on other sites
Author LuCidiTy Posted March 30, 2008 Author Share Posted March 30, 2008 On topic, but about me (as always ) - I've always 'been strong' emotionally.... It's not a good thing - and is leading me to seek therapy now. Even my closest friends joke that i'm emotionally retarded, because I refuse to be sad/depressed/angry in front of them. Emotions are... fun. Even the painful ones remind us we're alive. You're alive. Welcome to anger. Now - stop being strong - vent, scream, bawl, cry. Then have a good sleep, as you'll be exhausted. x i've been called emotionally retarded too! lol! ugh i haven't slept in weeks. Link to post Share on other sites
sedona Posted March 31, 2008 Share Posted March 31, 2008 what i want is for it to be six months from now because i honestly don't know if i have the stamina to sustain this level of grief and anguish, but also don't want to wish life away. i want to never have met him, to have followed my initial instincts when i did, to just erase it all. but that's not getting out of the box, is it? No, but I guess that some days we're stuck inside the box. That's where I am today. Back to crying and missing him and wondering how we got to this point. I want more than anything else to call him, but nothing's changed. He'd still just be my "friend", having demoted me from girlfriend. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LuCidiTy Posted March 31, 2008 Author Share Posted March 31, 2008 damn box has slippery sides. i'm sorry you're crying again today. me too. less anger, more tears. thinking it won't ever end. but you know it will and one day you'll be looking back saying, damn...what the hell was all that? haha...demoted. that's so ironic. ya know i didn't even get a demotion...i just got fired! dunno if that's because he didn't actually want me as a "friend" or because he knew better than to lay that line on top of all the other cliches he dropped. speaking of boxes, i don't think he could have stuffed more into that one. though i did have a momentary pity party and said to myself, in the end he couldn't even be a friend. but that's okay...i wouldn't have taken the demotion anyway...i'd have quit. i understood. i wanted more anyway, and i've never been able to do the friends thing anyway. when they're gone they're gone. speaking of which, i think i'm getting closer to just walking away. i did break NC yesterday before i posted here and told him in an offline IM the few last things i needed to say. didn't and don't expect any response ... he probably nonestly won't get most of it anyway. just needed to, for myself, validate some thoughts on the break, reiterate a few points he made, and clear a few possible misunderstandings up one month down the road. basically, i told him he was full of his own drama and doesn't know what he's done or thrown away but that he would someday. also said it would have been nice to have a choice or some sort of real understanding, and that the way things stand, we were nearing if not at the point of no return. when this gypsy wanders away, like i said, it's for good. i don't look back. life's just too short. back to NC now. for good this time, I'm sure. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LuCidiTy Posted April 1, 2008 Author Share Posted April 1, 2008 so...what phase is next? and after that? what typically happens and what's the way to handle it? (other than NC!) Link to post Share on other sites
pigeonsid Posted April 1, 2008 Share Posted April 1, 2008 Hi Lucidity - sorry that you've been so down lately. I've also been struggling - going between the angry stage and the can't stop crying stage. And yes, sometimes it's difficult being out in public because I can't control the tears and think I must look like a retard just crying in public. *sigh* But it will get better, eventually. It's good to say things you feel need to be said, and then to just let go of the ex. I finally removed him from my friends list on facebook today. I don't know why I suddenly felt that it was important to do it - to mentally make that break. But God, it really hurts to have done it. I think that's why I hesitated for so long about it - because it was a link between us, but I understand that he's not one of my friends, he can't be after what he's done to me. And maybe it's better to just be clear about that. Wait until you're ready but walk away on your terms. I also decided it was better to remove him before he had the chance to remove me. (Even though I don't think he would ever do that... but then again, he walked out on me, so who knows what he's capable of.) I think the next stage is when you just stop thinking about them, or just don't care about them any more. When I think of my previous exes, that's what happened - I think about them with no emotion right now, and if I see them it's sort of a curious thing - it doesn't even bother me if I don't speak to them or find out what they're doing. They don't have any impact on my life. Maybe the next stage is when you stop thinking of it as NC and you really do just get on with your life independently. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted April 1, 2008 Share Posted April 1, 2008 The anger stage is the best one to be in. You get things said and done, that you need to get off your chest. Throw out all the crap about having to be strong. Get pissed off, get it all out, do punch something but make certain it's something soft. The last thing you need right now is more pain from a broken knuckle. There's no set order that you will go through. Sometimes, you'll get stuck in phases for awhile, other times, you'll cycle back and forth between emotions. All this is OKAY, to do. Flip anyone the bird who says you have to pretend to be fine. As long as you don't remain trapped and cycling for an extended period of time, best to get rid of all your strong emotions, as soon as possible. Look what it did to you, when you suppressed. You couldn't sleep. Now stop that and just experience. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LuCidiTy Posted April 2, 2008 Author Share Posted April 2, 2008 pigeonsid, thanks. sorry you have too. it sure sucks, doesn't it? angry tears are almost as bad as sad ones. thank goodness it won't be forever. that's about all that keeps me hanging on. i'm glad i said what i said to him. it needed out of me. seems letting go a little at a time is a little easier for many people...almost a symbolic cutting of ties when and as you're ready. others seem to do best making the total break all at once. i know what you mean about that link...sometimes it's all we really have left. we'll probably always think about them, but the way we do will change, as you said. i think that's already starting to happen. the anger helped me focus more objectively...on his flaws, which to be honest, i kind of ignored. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LuCidiTy Posted April 2, 2008 Author Share Posted April 2, 2008 Trialbyfire, anger's better than the last one...that's for sure. I'm already alternating between laughing at myself and being angry with myself for making excuses for him, for reaching for false hope. The current reality is, it's done. Over. I punched my pillow last night, and it sure beat soaking it with tears Thanks for your encouragement and empathy. Link to post Share on other sites
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