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why cant i just be normal!


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Hi all, so heres my story.

 

Been almost two months now so i been through most of the motions of a break up and things seem to still be getting harder everyday. About 5 years ago i met a beautiful young girl at school and quite quickly things between me and her heated up, for a couple of years we had some stints and being a prick i broke her heart on more than one occasion. The whole time however we were best friends and told each other everything until at our final year of school i realised that if there was only one person i could ever talk to again it would be her so i pursued her relentlessly for several months until i got her.

 

Anyways since that day i had never thought twice about her being my one (yes im a young lad blah blah but love is love) i moved into her house and pretty much planned my future around her. Anyways 2 months ago (after 2 years of being together) were laying in bed and she says "i don't think i can be in a relationship right now". Ok so far things r ok, its just a right now thing. So we spend the whole night talking and crying and spooning and its obvious she still loves me very much and i still love her. She thanks me for being so understanding and after a final kiss and hug we part ways.

 

For the first few days she msgs constantly saying she loves me and misses me and that she is really sorry and i msg back the same things but slowly her msgs become more distance and then the panic sets in. i start thinking maybe i wont get her back and that i didnt think i could handle that. So thats when the clingy msgs start- "will we get back together" "do u still love me" "blah blah blah" and at first its yes i do want to get back together but we just have to do this first. Anyways i pushed too much and even i could see it as i was doing it but i couldn't help myself.

 

Anyways every day i convince myself to leave her the hell alone! and then the next day i dont stick to it and i make things worse until one night one of her friends said she hooked up with another guy and yours truly who thinks there is still hope loses it and sent a very confronting msg with an explicit word. anyways she denied it and in the end i apologised because i truly was sorry even if it did happen. It was a pretty low point of my life not only to be so awful to the person i loved but also my best friend.

 

Anyways she pretty much hated me at that point and i started scrambling for her friendship, not even a relationship at this point she says "i've given you so many chances at being friends but you have thrown them all in my face why should i give you another chance"

 

quite bluntly she shouldn't have i screwed up big time. Anyways at present we're acquaintances and since then she has said there is no chance for us in the future anymore. It hurts so deeply to have lost the woman i loved but even more i think it hurts more to lose my best friend of even longer.

 

Do you guys think there is any hope and if so what should i do??? and i know the whole no contact thing is the best way but at present we have some units at University together so id much rather go there as friends than be avoiding her and sit there in anguish. Bah as the title says i wish i could be normal and just harden the f&*k up and move on with life. But she is the only thing ever on my mind and i love her as much as ever.

 

cheers in advance for your thoughts guys;)

Edited by bleh
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no suggestions? that helpless huh? after reading a lot of the other stuff on here i feel mildly better today (misery really does love company). Everything just sucks because there really was nothing wrong with our relationship and even until the last day we would spend a lot of time together and told each other we loved each other. I just wish i hadn't F*&ked up and made things so hard for her, it just killed when she told me that we probably would have had a chance but because i just wouldn't leave it alone now there is no chance for us....

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Give it time - people will reply.

 

Btw - people don't break up / say they aren't ready for a relationship if there is nothing wrong. The question is - what was wrong, and can it be fixed.

 

Give her space. Are you friends with everyone in your classes? Do you talk to everyone? Can't you arrange to sit away from her, and treat her as one of the ones you know less well? If she thinks the relationship is worth coming back to, she'll let you know. If she doesn't - you pursuing her will only make her more unsure about it.

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her explanation was that she thought she was holding me back from living my life while i was young (which equates to I was holding her back) and said if we were a few years older we would have been fine. But to me thats absolute bullsh*t because a relationship isn't worth it unless your willing to make sacrifices and that was something i was willing to sacrifice and it wasn't like we never went out and had fun with mates (together and separately) and we still did everything young people did.

 

I really don't know, most probably there were deeper issues. As for uni its quite a small class (4-5 on the best of days) so its all pretty close anyways so avoiding her is gonna be a toughie!

 

But fixing is all i want to do, and i think thats how i ruined it. I'm just hoping she said its never going to happen again out of desperation or frustration and not because she meant it...

 

cheers

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Bah its her birthday bash at a club today and everyone i know is going so might make the effort to go for an hour or so. Preparing myself for the worst.

Drunken ex girlfriend + sleazy club boys = pain

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So don't go! Why would you even do such a thing as show up at her party? The only thing that can possibly do is make things worse. You have to go NC with her and stick to it. If she wants time and space, you have to give her all the time and space in the world. That's your only hope of having her miss you.

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thats the thing, i don't think she wants time and space any more, I'm pretty sure shes made up her mind about us and at the moment I'm trying to salvage the friendship we had long before we were together. Should i still not go? will this aid or be detrimental to the friendship situation, I've pretty much given up on the idea of making it easier for myself because i already hate myself for making things hard for her and ruining any chance i had.

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oh and just in case it adds any meaning she invited me tonight, i'm not just rocking up and then tomorrow she is having a lunch for a bunch of her closest which I'm invited to as well. This is gonna be hard. might just have to tread lightly

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her explanation was that she thought she was holding me back from living my life while i was young (which equates to I was holding her back) and said if we were a few years older we would have been fine.

 

 

Thats an excuse. Sounds like she's simply grown out of the relationship. :(

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yeah it looks like it, i guess we will see tonight if she just goes out and does stupid **** then i'll know she just wasn't ready to settle down. I wish i didn't have as much hope for us as i do and i wish she hadn't told me if i had left things alone there was a huge chance we were gonna get back together...

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Don't go to the party.

 

Trust me on this one - only two things are likely to happen:

1) you get messed up by it

2) you are all cool and controlled, she thinks you are fine, and pushes your friendship too fast.

or both.

 

Give up on your relationship. As for friendship - give it time. You need to wait till you can see her holding hands with another guy and not feel like someone's reached down your throat and ripped out your chest. That wont happen for... months.

 

(God - I SO need to take my own advice. My excuse to myself is my ex is leaving the country for good, so if I don't use these few months to make friends, I'll lose his friendship for good. Such emotional logic SHOWS me it must be wrong. ;) )

 

So anyway - enough about me. This girl hurt you. You probably hurt her. She's moving on, you've accepted (I hope) the end of your relationship. But that wont stop it hurting.

 

Step back. Find yourself. Be friends when you are wanting it for the right reason - not because it's all you're allowed of the dregs of your relationship

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Back! sorry but i went! but i set myself some strict rules.

 

No.1 see her as little as possible... ok that was probably about it. so i got there with some mates and she wasn't there yet and when she came in she came over and gave me a hug. So that was cool and then she went on her way with some girlfriends and i moved so that when/if she came back i wouldn't be there. And thats the last i saw of her, i stayed away from the dance floor because i wanted to give her space to do what-eva the hell she wanted with whom she wanted and so that i wasn't emotionally crushed.

 

So i figured if she wanted to come find me she was more than capable so i just had a chat with some mates and over-all it was an ok night. i had prepared to feel like absolute **** so the fact that i only feel the same as before has sorta made me happier if that is possible. But anyways only stayed 1.5 hours so she knows i put the effort in but i didnt give any bad vibes either due to our lack or interaction. Hopefully she makes it home ok and isnt stupid enough to leave with one of those club guys....

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when she came in she came over and gave me a hug.......thats the last i saw of her.....Hopefully she makes it home ok and isnt stupid enough to leave with one of those club guys....

 

Congrats to her for having a party of such size and scope that you could go a whole night without seeing her.

 

I see a bomb in your future. You can step on it or walk around it. You already know where it is. I wish you well :)

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dont give her too much of a pat on the back, club was still filled with other random people as per usual so it wasn't that hard. But yeh i definately see that bomb too, sort of bracing myself for it. I think the last few days have been the first that i have actually been serious about wanting/trying to stop loving her because i know the longer i do then the more stuff thats going to hurt me. Its juts weird because seeing her tonight wasn't like seeing the person i loved and missed, its like the woman i loved left for the moon the few days following our breakup, I want that woman back, gotta start realising that metaphorically the person i want back is probably dead and buried so its impossible to get her back... sounds morbid but it sort of makes it a bit easier

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bleh...the thing that struck me was how she reacted after you sent her an angry text. you said 'she pretty much hated' you, and you feel that you have to try extra hard to salvage the remnants of a friendship.

 

i think maybe you should stop trying. there was absolutely no need for her to be angry like that after a text, especially as you apologised. when you speak out of turn, all you can do is apologise and hope they can forgive you. and leave them to it. you've tried to keep a friendship going - i think you should let it be now, and if she wants the same thing, she'll come to you.

 

the last thing you want is to suffocate her...i think it's great that you had minimal contact at the party. but if i were you, i'd let it go.

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I want that woman back, gotta start realising that metaphorically the person i want back is probably dead and buried so its impossible to get her back... sounds morbid but it sort of makes it a bit easier

 

The person you really want back is your friend, IMO. Since you and she were friends before starting a relationship, that's a special place. In your shoes, I'd be grieving the friendship.

 

I have a longtime female friend who has expressed her own ambivalence about a relationship (not now, I'm married) because she wouldn't want to "lose me as a friend" if the relationship didn't work out. We've been very close that way, off and on, for a very long time (longer than you've been alive). I understand that fear and your experience has borne it out. I still think such risks are worth the downside and hope that you do as well, in the future, if you decide to try to take a friendship to the next level.

 

My best advice would be to accept the circumstance and occupy yourself with other matters. Step around the bomb :)

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Thanks guys if it wasn't for all the shared friends and the uni predicament i'd agree that no contact is the way. iv since stopped IM'ing her and stopped texting but i still see her on the two days we have uni together which is hard to avoid so although its not total NC i've still cut off all other forms of interaction. I know its going to make it harder on me but i guess i just have to suck it up, only another few months and then next semester we have ALL OUR CLASSES TOGETHER OMG i just realised now. The plot thickens.... hopefully things have calmed down by then. Although i doubt it... in the least ill be better at pretending to be alright. Sometimes i wish i was one of those insensitive pr!cks that don't give a ****, but then i kno they will never find true happiness when a relationship does work out so id say i'm still +1 on them even though i'm hurting now

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thanks Carhill its nice to know someone knows where i'm coming from as i think that is the thing i miss the most, losing my best friend who would usually comfort me in this sort of time as she has done before... im not sure if the NC works on the best friend situation thought..... and although it is all killing me im willing to make that sacrafise if it means we can even have a little of what we used to have as friends

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No, you don't wish you were an insensitive pr!ck. That's just a coping mechanism :D

 

Take your classes; treat her with the same respect that you treat your other fellow students. Other than a few friends I made while in college, I managed to not interact with close to 20,000 people for over 4 years. It's possible :)

 

Perhaps, in time, you will re-connect as friends.

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mmmmnnnnnn...i'm not sure bleh. if you want her as your friend, you are going to have to tread carefully. if you go NC, she might feel you have shut the door on her, and when you come to have classes together next term it might be a very sticky situation. if you want to be friends, and it's clear you do, i would suggest just letting things happen naturally. don't make contact with her on purpose, but if you see her, say hi and walk on. this way, she won't feel you don't want any contact with her, and nor will she feel you're looking to re-ignite your relationship!!!

 

play it cool!!!

 

*edit* just read carhill's last post...it's spot on!!!

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cheers starla, im glad you guys agree and im also glad that its also what i feel is right too, that in this situation maybe no contact isn't the right thing to do... i think iv done as much as i can at the moment in reguards to reforming a relationship and i have to accept that i cant rush these things. It's gotta be her move next, and i guess by inviting me to her birthday lunch tomorrow shes showing i'm still someone important to her (of that or she feels guilty but the first option makes me feel so much better :rolleyes:) so yeah its her turn now, if this is a friendship worth fighting for then she will fight as well maybe not right now but eventually. Time is our friend

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:):):):)

 

exactly. time is your friend. take baby steps...you won't be able to repair your friendship overnight, but bit by bit you two will establish a new kind of friendship, where you accept that a lot of water has gone under the bridge and you both have grown up a little as a result!! you can never go back, but you can start over.

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yeah, today has been my most hopeful day so far, i think coz iv stopped hoping for us to get back together (the impossible) and started hoping for a new friendship (the hopefully much more possible) still gonna be a jelous b@stard though;)

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yeah, today has been my most hopeful day so far, i think coz iv stopped hoping for us to get back together (the impossible) and started hoping for a new friendship (the hopefully much more possible) still gonna be a jelous b@stard though;)

 

:laugh::laugh::laugh:

 

well, you are a man!!!!:p

 

i really wish you all the best - you have a really smart head on your shoulders!! i think you'll be just fine!!!

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