cbghio Posted March 26, 2008 Share Posted March 26, 2008 Hi all, We have dated (break ups etc when in college) for 7 years. In July '07 I proposed (we had lived together for 9 months prior)... set a date for August 30, 2008... Between Christmas and March '07/'08 we had some fights and issues... nothing MAJOR... she had issues with me being a little controlling and excitable, I had issues with her spending and inability to be punctual... We saw a counselor who advises us to 'love eachother faults and all'... we both made progress... I brought up times she repeated the annoying behavior, as did she... and we discussed them and promised to work on them... She expressed interest in postponing the wedding until she "saw progress" on my issues ... I made no similar request, trusting her promise to improve... On a trip home (she lives in San Diego, I am finishing law school in Virginia) I messed up a few times and was bossy (I apologized immediately when she told me I was doing this)... two days later she gives back the ring, saying 'I can't marry you August 30' ... i say o.k., then when... she says she needs time to decide... I say o.k. so you just want to date??? she says NO, I just need time... three weeks have passed... she doesn't want to discuss where she is regarding making some decision... "its pressuring her"... but she constantly calls me, does the baby talk thing, says I love you, says she want to marry me and have my kids... but, she isn't ready to 'date' be 'engaged' or get 'married'... she also wants to be at my law school graduation... when we 'broke up' she said give her a few weeks... so i didn't bring up our situation - just kept it casual... a few weeks have passed, she still hasn't made up her mind... QUESTION: Is it over and she is just having a hard time breaking it off? Is everything o.k. and this is just cold feet? Should I continue to wait for her w/o pressuring (i.e., give her the space/time)? - If yes, how long can I wait when I feel I'm being strung along? SOOOOOOOOO Confused... Thanks!!! Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted March 26, 2008 Share Posted March 26, 2008 Has she brought up any new 'friends' lately - in particular male ones? 99 times out a hundred, when you get fed the 'time and space' line it is because they met someone else and are seeing where the new relationship goes. They keep you on a string as a backup plan in case the new relationship doesn't work out. Before you consider anything else - rule that out first. If you are 100% certain that isn't the case, then it could be that she is simply having cold feet, but wants to hold on the security of your relationship while she figures out if she wants to stay or not. How long do you wait? Until you get tired of waiting and walk away. Pressuring her won't have any better effect. Link to post Share on other sites
Author cbghio Posted March 26, 2008 Author Share Posted March 26, 2008 Has she brought up any new 'friends' lately - in particular male ones? 99 times out a hundred, when you get fed the 'time and space' line it is because they met someone else and are seeing where the new relationship goes. They keep you on a string as a backup plan in case the new relationship doesn't work out. Before you consider anything else - rule that out first. all of my buddies brought this one up first... considered it fully... unless I am totally clueless and all of our mutual friends, etc. are in on some cruel joke... she is 100% not seeing, nor is she interested in, other guys...what brought me to this conclusion was a candid discussion, started by me, about the rules of 'time and space' I asked if I could date other women... she said I could but that if it went so far (i.e., physical) it could affect our future, so I said I would refrain for a while... she than said she herself wouldnt be dating until she figured' 'us' out... Link to post Share on other sites
xpaperxcutx Posted March 26, 2008 Share Posted March 26, 2008 If I have to guess, I'm assuming you're between the ages of 25-30? And your (ex)gf is around that age as well? Do you think that her particular focus is solely aimed at school right now? You're about to graduate, so I'm assuming that she's also as well? If anything I think her decision has more to do with academics and is more career motivated than anything else. Marriage is a huge step and is financially consuming. I just don't think she wants to settle anytime soon if her mindset is to be independent and have a successful career. Link to post Share on other sites
Author cbghio Posted March 26, 2008 Author Share Posted March 26, 2008 If I have to guess, I'm assuming you're between the ages of 25-30? And your (ex)gf is around that age as well? Do you think that her particular focus is solely aimed at school right now? You're about to graduate, so I'm assuming that she's also as well? If anything I think her decision has more to do with academics and is more career motivated than anything else. Marriage is a huge step and is financially consuming. I just don't think she wants to settle anytime soon if her mindset is to be independent and have a successful career. we both graduated in 2005 (UCLA)... she is done with school and has been for three years (worked one year in CA, lived w/ me and worked one year in VA, worked one year in CA)... we lived together for the one year b/c three years of long-distance was too much, and she moved back to set up a permanent job in CA (mine was already lined up, in San Diego)... we have been seriously talking about marriage all three of the past years, and decided to wait for the ceremony after I finished law school... we have never been the clingy type - she goes out w/ her single gf's and I with my single buddies when we want and its no big deal... I don't really think it's the 'i want a single life thing' b/c she always professes a desire to a) marry and have kids, b) marry me, and c) derides alot of her single gf's as having no direction in life that is why i'm soooo confused thanks for the insight Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted March 26, 2008 Share Posted March 26, 2008 I asked if I could date other women... she said I could but that if it went so far (i.e., physical) it could affect our future, so I said I would refrain for a while... she than said she herself wouldnt be dating until she figured' 'us' out... Honestly, if a person I wanted to marry told me that he not only needed "time/space" but that he didn't mind if I dated other people, I'd take that as a clear indication that the relationship was over and the breakup soon to follow. No one who is in love with their mate to the point where they want to marry them would agree that they could date others. I don't think it is sincere on her part. I would bet a large sum of money that the reason she said that you could date but not make it physical is because that is what she is doing. Seriously... "time/space" plus "its ok if you want to date" = death knell Even if there is not another guy in the picture (yet), it is clear from her permissiveness toward you dating other women that she is checking out, and fast. I would step way, way back from this and protect yourself emotionally until you get the whole picture. I think there is more here than she is letting on. People rarely break engagements and need "time/space" and let their SO date other people unless they themselves have someone already lined up. It is confusing now, but when you get those last few puzzle pieces.... Link to post Share on other sites
xpaperxcutx Posted March 26, 2008 Share Posted March 26, 2008 we both graduated in 2005 (UCLA)... she is done with school and has been for three years (worked one year in CA, lived w/ me and worked one year in VA, worked one year in CA)... we lived together for the one year b/c three years of long-distance was too much, and she moved back to set up a permanent job in CA (mine was already lined up, in San Diego)... we have been seriously talking about marriage all three of the past years, and decided to wait for the ceremony after I finished law school... we have never been the clingy type - she goes out w/ her single gf's and I with my single buddies when we want and its no big deal... I don't really think it's the 'i want a single life thing' b/c she always professes a desire to a) marry and have kids, b) marry me, and c) derides alot of her single gf's as having no direction in life that is why i'm soooo confused thanks for the insight Have you noticed any changes to her prior to her wanting to take a break? Maybe she's having some doubts regarding the relationship? People are unpredictable sometimes, and even if we plan out our future, during the process of it all, we tend to take roads that differ from what we have planned out. Link to post Share on other sites
vivrantflo Posted March 26, 2008 Share Posted March 26, 2008 she is 100% not seeing, nor is she interested in, other guys...what brought me to this conclusion was a candid discussion, started by me, about the rules of 'time and space' I'm warning you man.. don't put a big wager on that. I asked if I could date other women... she said I could but that if it went so far (i.e., physical) it could affect our future, so I said I would refrain for a while... she than said she herself wouldnt be dating until she figured' 'us' out.. I nominate her answer here as one of the "top ten biggest load of crap" responses I've heard on Loveshack. If this woman is in love with you.. she's NOT gonna want you to see other women.. would you be open to her dating other men? No. She's allowing you to date, so she won't feel so bad about seeing another guy. I know.. it's evil.. I'm still trying to figure out this twisted way of thinking. Ask yourself.. if she REALLY wanted time to figure out which direction she wanted to go in.. She'd get PISSED at the fact that you even brought up dating other people!!! But she didn't, she allows it.. It's done man.. Im sooo sorry... walk away. Link to post Share on other sites
Author cbghio Posted March 26, 2008 Author Share Posted March 26, 2008 Have you noticed any changes to her prior to her wanting to take a break? Maybe she's having some doubts regarding the relationship? People are unpredictable sometimes, and even if we plan out our future, during the process of it all, we tend to take roads that differ from what we have planned out. only that we had been more fully discussing (all the while promising to work together on) the issues we (as all couples do) have with each other... she calls me literally 5-10 times a day... unless she is lying and faking the noise in the background she has not been seeing her friends, much less other guys, very often... she goes to work, the gym, then home for dinner w/ family... once a week (or less) she goes out to dinner w/ family/friends and always calls before, during, or after (telling me her female companion says hi - who i hear in the background) going out anywhere... no clubs, bars, etc. (the usual single girls pick-up place)... she also says she can't won't date b/c she wants this too work BUT - breaking off an engagement for issues I consider normal premarital ones, asking for time/space, and saying i can date (but not sleep with) other women - RAISE MAJOR RED FLAGS One last thought... a week after getting enagaged I broke it off for like 3 hours (took the ring back) b/c a fight we had about her being frivolous/wasteful ... I apologized, gave back the ring (w/ a new and even better proposal) and things went smooth from there - could this be her form of payback? If it is - is this an unhealthy relationship??? Link to post Share on other sites
Rooster_DAR Posted March 26, 2008 Share Posted March 26, 2008 I agree with the others, there is a good chance she's got hold of another branch. My EX did the exact same thing, and after a while I discovered she was enthralled with a co-worker and wound up full blow cheating after convincing me there was nobody else. Cheers! Link to post Share on other sites
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