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Taking a break, but unsure if its headed for a break up


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jesse's girl

I recently asked my fiance of 4 years to give me some space and leave our home. We have lived together for 3 1/2 years. I have 2 boys from a previous relationship that are 9 yrs old.

 

He is/was an alcoholic when I met him and he did give it up for the first couple of months. He has had a few drinks here and there but I have to cut him off to make sure that he doesn't go to far. And occasionally he has. But he by no means drinks daily or weekly, I am talking like once a month now, before it was daily.

 

During christmas this year, we had some friends over and he and my friends husband had a few drinks. I do not drink. Next thing I know he is ripped!!! He can't talk, can't walk, just being stupid. I ignored it for the most part and we continued to play some games. The kids were having a good time, we started to clean up and all of the sudden I hear this crash! He had fell face first into the wall, crashing his head through the drywall!!!!!!! He was bleeding and knocked out!!! My boys are standing there screaming and crying. The rage I felt was indescribable. I hated this man for scaring my children. My children that have an alcoholic father, the man I left to ensure that my children would not have to go through things like this. I had always told him that if something happened and he started drinking heavily I would not be with him. But after 4 years and letting him have alcohol, I felt like I could not make him leave if he was willing to quit completely. What I did not realize was that I lost all trust and respect for him that night.

 

I do not know how to move past that and forgive him. I wanted him to leave that night, I wanted to pack all of his stuff and throw him out. I thought I could move past it. He has not touched it at all. He has mentioned it and I have expressed my disgust in the idea of him even thinking about it. He has told me in the past he would not touch it and this happened so how much do I take.

 

We have been arguing a lot lately about money and bills. Cleaning the house, the boys. The night before I asked him to leave he told me he felt like a prisoner and I was the warden! I just told him if you feel that way then why are you still here????

 

I love him but I just feel like I am not in love with him. I don't get excited to see him. It has been like 10 days and he asked if he could come home and I told him no, I was not ready for him to come home. I told him that if he does not give me the space I need then I will not ever want him to come home.

 

I did recently turn 30, which everyone says I am going through something because of that.

 

I just feel like my life is not where I want it to be, I am not happy with anything he does.

 

I have thought about some type of counseling but I just don't know if I am over it or what. My relationship prior to this was my boys dad and he was a alcoholic who turned drug addict. I got my boys away from that, why do I stay with someone who could turn back to that? I have no fear of being a single mom, I have a great career and make great money. And that may be what makes it easier to just say Lets break up!

 

Does anyone have any advice or any thoughts on this? He is very willing to do whatever I want but I am not sure what I really want.

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