NC break, tough time

[sedona]

Just started a NC break on Monday. I've having trouble sleeping, eating well, and concentrating on my work. I HATE this!!!

 

We went out for about 7 months and get along so well. Never argued about anything, share many of the same interests. But he started to pull away, imperceptibly at first. When we decided on the break, he simply told me that he thinks I'm fantastic, he knows that he wants a long-term relationship, would like to spend his life with me. He even said that if he couldn't make a relationship with me work out, then he wouldn't be able to make one work with anyone... BUT for some reason, he just can't commit to our relationship. Something's blocking him and he can't open himself to me - or to anyone else for that matter. He doesn't know why, but wants to find out. When I'm around, then he feels pressure from me - both real and imagined -- and his creating distance between us was too painful to me.

 

I went over there on Monday to break it off completely, but just couldn't do it in the end. He couldn't do it either, so in the end we hit on the idea of a break. He's trying to figure out things about his past and wanted to see if he would miss me. I've started seeing a therapist to figure out my own stuff, I work out at the gym, I talk to friends and try to live life, but I just feel like I'm biding my time until he gets in touch again.

 

I know he will call one day, but have no idea when. It could be a long wait! I told him that I just couldn't be the one to get in touch first because what would I say, "Hi, do you love me again now?"

 

I've been reading posts here where everyone says "don't break NC" (this kept me from breaking it tonight, thanks). Does NC *ever* work? I mean, work to heal a relationship.

[eagle5]

Hi Sedona,

NC does work, either he'll realise he misses you or not, but either way nc is for you to do exactly what you are doing, getting on....

 

You are doing exactly what you should be doing, looking out for yourself. Councelling is a great idea, I'm on a list to see a councellor, desperately waiting for the phone call to give me the go ahead. I think after a relationship breakdown, we all need a bit of it, at least I do!!!!

 

Going out with friends and going to the gym is very important too, keep up the good work and I promise you it will get easier, you have easy and hard times like a rollercoaster but each day is another step in the right direction.

 

Ultimately you use nc to heal yourself, so you are ready for your future.

 

As for not sleeping and eating well, I went through that, I lost 2 stone in about 3 weeks and ended up taking over the counter sleeping tabs, I would NOT recommend using tabs unless you've been advised by a medical professional but they worked for me.

That is def the hardest phase to get through, but it doesn't last for too long. I promise...

 

Keep posting here too, we're all here for you.

[upsetnhurt]

Sedona,

 

Do you know anything about his past relationship? When did that relationship end and when did yours begin? It sounds to me that he still has not fully recovered from his past and thus it is keeping him from fully appreciated you for who you are and what you have to offer. If that is the case, know that any contact with you simply will keep him in this zone. He needs to focus on getting his life in order and you, unfortunately, need to move on with your life. I was in the same boat and unfortunately paid the price for letting my heart fall for someone in the same mold as him.

[sedona]

Thanks for your answers. Yes, I know I'm doing all the stuff I'm *supposed* to be doing, but I still feel like a mess. Like I'm not healing at all and this will go on forever. I've said enough about this to my friends -- there's nothing new left to say. And instead of concentrating my thoughts on ME, I'm thinking more of HIM -- what is he thinking? Does he miss me? If he calls and says X, then I will say Y. Etc. It's worse at night.

 

As for his past, the problem isn't that he's still hung up on a past relationship. I think that he has a problem committing to a relationship at all, with his whole heart. I think it's a pattern that was already developed in his childhood. He wants to break it, but doesn't know what to do and refuses to see a therapist because he says that he'd never be able to open himself up to a stranger. So on this break, he said that he wanted to read a book about this problem that I recommended and see if he could get to the bottom of it. He doesn't feel that he can even say that he cares about me until he knows for sure that he wants to be with me. He said (and felt) all sorts of wonderful thing to/for me, but then scared himself off and left me behind!

 

I felt such a relief when this break started. I felt it was the only chance to save this relationship. I still feel like that, but I really want to know if he's doing anything about it, or has just gone back to his normal routine. I would give anything to be a fly on the wall in his home - just for a little while! It would be incredibly hard for him to call me and tell me it's over because that also involves a commitment to a choice- the choice not to ever see me again. I trust in him and know he will call me one day, but when?!!?

 

Plus I always was one of those people who believed that the only way to fix a relationship problem was to be together and work on it, not to be alone on our own! This a brand new situation for me. There's no closure because it's not over. And I balance between hope and despair instead of thinking of myself.

[upsetnhurt]

Sedona,

 

I can respect that you feel that you know his problem is his inability to commit to anyone, yet did you ever think that his problem is only in the sense of his committment to you? Maybe he is simply mouthing the words of love, yet by his actions, he is providing you the true picture.

 

You did not mention anything specific about his past as you are so sure it has nothing to do with it. Has he ever had a previous relationship? Has he ever been in "love" with someone"? If so, has he ever vocalized that love?

 

I only ask as typically people find out the the root of the problems with others are normally not what they expected. I hope for the best for you and simply want you to proceed with caution. One's heart is a fragile thing.

[sedona]

Today was a lovely day, so I went cross-country skiing. Just when I was almost finished, I ran into BF who had just begun. We stopped and chatted for a few minutes. He said that he's started to read the book about commitment issues which I lent him, but it's tough going because it's not written in his first language. He also said that he had thought about us -- he even thought a bit about us this morning (!) - and it would seem awfully strange never to see me again. I felt like I could've been in "Annie Hall" where Diane Keaton and Woody Allen are talking, but then you see the subtitles which tell you what they're really thinking. I said something like "oh, that's nice" but was thinking things more along the line of "I can't get this out of my head!"

 

Yes, at first I thought the problem was that he simply couldn't commit to a relationship with ME. But he says that this is what he wants, that I have everything he wants, and that he has never been able to open himself up to other people. Not parents, not girlfriends - even though he's had some serious relationships. I really don't think his problem is because of me - I think his feelings for me triggered it. And in the meantime, I fell in love with him.

 

So now it's back to NC. He said he'll get in touch. Still, I do feel a bit better at the moment. It's a bit like a drug addiction, I imagine. Now I've got my "fix," so I'll be ok for a short while.