Due to get married in two months and now it's over.

[Hippy_Chick]

I've been going through a terrible break up recently and I'm not coping at all. I was with my Ex fiance for almost five years. As previously explained on my other posts, we had our good times and bad times like everyone. We got engaged last April and we due to be married this coming April (Just over two months away). Before we got engaged, we were happy but things started going downhill after that. By October, I was miserable because he wouldn't put any effort into getting our lives into order in time for our wedding. We sat one weekend and discussed all our problems (It was almost like going through a break up) but in the end we agreed to make changes. One of the things that came out of this weekend of discussions was that he had a new best friend. A girl from his work. We agreed to arrange a wee night out in her company so that I could meet her. On the night out, my fiance behaved attrociously. Flirting with her, texting her in the bar (He never sent me a single text), he almost jumped over the table to get up to dance with her at one point and in the five years we've been together he would never dance with me. I was made feel like a spare thumb. I got really upset and started drinking to take my mind of things. When we got home I told my fiance that I was going to be sick. he just reached me a bucket (with dirty cloths inside) and took himself off to the bathroom from where he was sending the girl text messages. I was crying out to him because I felt so ill and the only help he offered was at one point he handed me a glass of water and then continued to text the girl. I ended up falling asleep with my head in the bucket and woke up to my fiance yelling at me to go to bed because he said he'd been trying to get me to go to bed for over an hour. The following morning he was out and had left his mobile phone behind. I read through his texts. There were loads to her, the last of which read, "K is in a worse state than me, I'm going to put her up to bed. I'm not tired, think I'll go on MSN for a while. Fancy a game of jigsaw? That was a joke BTW". I read that that he was trying to get me offside so that he could sit and talk to this girl on MSN while I was in bed (At 1 am in the morning). I asked him about it the following day and we ended up having an argument that lasted 2 1/2 weeks which ultimately led to me losing a stone and a half in weight, losing several nights sleep and eventually I had to ask him to go to him mums. Since breaking up I've been trying to get a reconsilliation going. I've accepted that there was nothing going on between that girl and him. I've apologised for my part in the disintegration of our relationship. I have told him that I want to try and work things out. For weeks he's been indicating that he would liek to try to salvage something but that he's not sure if we would ever get back together. He wanted me to be his friend and I told him that I couldn't because it would hurt me too much. He siad that he woud stay faithful to me and we could meet up for an occassional coffee to see how we would get on. Then he changes his mind and it's obvious that his heart's not in it at all. Last week he suggested that we take a week apart to calm down and that we'd talk on the phone on Sunday about stuff. When he called he just wanted to talk about the weather etc. I asked him when were we going to talk about us and he started getting angry and said that's not what we had agreed at all. I've told him I still love him and that I do genuinely want to try ans work things out. He has told me that he both loves me and hates me at the same time and that he doesn't know what he wants.

 

We have agreed not to see anyone until we get this sorted out but last night I noticed that he had added two new girls onto his Facebook. I phoned to ask him who they were and he wouldn't tell me. He said that I had no right to ask, I said that considering we are supposed to be trying to sort this out, and that I've stayed faithful to you for the past two months, I don't think that it's an unreasonable request. He said that he met them in chat rooms and that they're just friends. We started into a whole discussion. [FONT=Arial][sIZE=2]D was being completely unreasonable about everything and ended up being very nasty. He made out that I was so horrible to him and that I never showed him any affection at all in the time that we were together (That's complete lies). He was getting so nasty at one point I hung up the phone. He then rang me back and said it was over if I didn't love him anymore. I asked him when I said that and he basically came out with this whole big spiel of what he claimed I had just said. I never said any of it. He kept saying things like "Shush" and "Will you give over about the wedding". The argument just got nastier and nastier and in the end he made out that I was some kind of cold hearted monster without any feelings. I hung up and was so upset. I started thinking back over the things that I had done over the time we were together. I phoned him back and basically lost it. I said everything and then I went too far. I spoke of how when his mum was broke one time, I took a morning off from work to drive the 24 mile round trip to meet his mum to loan her £60, I talked of how when him mum had a fall, instead of letting her wait for D's dad to come home, I drove over to her house and then all the way up to the hospital and sat with her for six hours (a 70 mile round trip). I said you're making me out to be a complete monster and I would have done anything for your family because I loved you. I then said, your dad is beating your mum up and sending her to work with bruises and you're sitting back, letting it happen and then sucking around your dad for handouts, and I'm the monster. At that he broke down crying and made out that he didn't know. Told me to go away and leave him alone. I said to him, how could you not have known, your mum talks about it all the time within ear shot of both you and your dad. I asked him what did he think when his sister was talking about when she brought it up in the last argument she had with your parents. He said that he used to beat her up but he thought it had all stopped. He was just crying on the phone and I felt so bad. I kept phoning him back to talk to him and he just kept saying leave me alone. I never slept a wink last night and sent him three texts to apologize. I asked him to ring me once he was awake. I got a text from him this morning at 5.30 saying that he had only got my texts and was ok. I phoned him, I said that I don't know what's going on between us anymore, whether it's deliberate or not but we keep hurting one another. I told him that it was getting completely out of hand and that I wasn't going to contact him again. I asked him was he ok and he said he was, then silence. He then just said that he'd be in contact soon (Very coldly). I'm just completely gutted. I've behaved so completely irrationally because I love him so much and I'm so frustrated that he doesn't understand me. During the argument last night he kept bringing friends into it. He said his best friend thinks that I over reasted big style about his friendship with this new girl. I just want to contact his friend and tell him my side of the story but I know that won't do any good. This whole situation is tearing me apart. I really did love this guy unconditionally and even through all the hurtful things that he has said t me recently, I still want a chace to try and make things work. Am I completely insane? Any advice would be appreciated

[/sIZE][/FONT]

[PerfectXPretty]

That's really hard, you could always try to let it ride out for a little while.. give him his space & see where it goes from there.

 

My so called boyfriend makes me feel like i'm that 'monster' for say, so i understand you with that sort of feeling to, but you have to remember that if he didnt do them things to you .. you wouldnt have to stick up for yourself & ask him all these questions, the texting seemed unnecessary, him being mean to you seems off... my bf gets that way with me & has told me something similar as to what yours told you he said he ' gets bored and angry when i'm around & when i'm not there he's relieved' and i havnt done a damn thing to him. He's probably pushing you and pushing you. So reassess things, you dont sound like you're doing anything wrong.. what does he expect you to be his doormat forever? thinking he can walk all over you/ do as he pleases, treat you in harsh ways & you just sit back and say yup thats okay you can do that.. seems sticky.. maybe if you do give him his space he'll come to realize things..

[Jmina]

My ex made me sound out to be a complete monster/psychopath too, it was horrible. I feel that my heart has always been in the right place and that i really only ever wanted to make peace. even in our arguments i just wanted to make peace. but she was angry and resentful and i feel she took out her own hurt from past experiences on me. this guy that you love, this guy that has broken your heart and isnt there to pick it all back up again, this guy that makes you feel like the smallest person in the world isnt the guy for you,

 

maybe one day he will change if he wants to and then he will be a different guy, but right now you should be running the opposite direction, because its what he is doing.

keep posting hun i know just how you feel

Jmina

 

p.s. dont apologise anymore. forgive yourself. he knows deep down that you didnt mean it. its his ego that is thriving at the moment because he doesnt have enough grip on himself.

[LucreziaBorgia]

You did nothing wrong. He clearly wants out, but he is trying to make you take the blame for it so that he does not look like the bad guy. What to do? For the sake of your sanity, your heart and your well being, let him go and do not let him back in.

 

Listen to this: you are not the bad guy in this. You are not the monster. You may think your life is falling apart and that you are losing some great opportunity, but all you are losing is a guy who would have cheated on you, emotionally abused you, and made your life hell. Worse yet: he would convince you on a daily basis that you were the cause, and that you deserved it. The very worse part? You'd believe him.

 

You didn't lose this guy. You were freed from him. I hope in time you will come to see that, and when you get your head and heart together you can move on to find a much better happiness in your life.

[Hippy_Chick]

Thanks guys for all your comments. Juts thought I'd give you an update on what's happening. I was MSN last night and he messaged me. Said he was just wanting to see if I was ok. I told him that I was still very upset over what had been siad the night before. He said he felt the same way. He then started going on about why he didn't understand why I said it and how he is so sick over it all. I explained why I said it, told him that I genuinely thought he already knew and that I was sorry that he had to find out this way. He just kept going on about how upset he was especially how he found out. I said to him that I was really sorry and that I didn't say it to hurt him but that it's his dad that he needs to be angry at right now, I only told him what was happening. I apologised several times during the course of the conversation and he just kept going on about how he didn't know how he felt about me as a result. I told him that I still loved him and that I didn't want it to be over but that I wouldn't contact him again. He said just give me a few days. I apologised again for what I said and he said he knew that I didn't do it to hurt him. I signed off, I love you so much, bye xxx. His answer was I'm going to go and grab a hot drink, BRB. Then nothing. He was still on-line for ages after that and never said a further word. I think now is definitely the time to do no contact. He's just hurting me now. It wasn't as if I was the only one to blame for what was said the night before. He was downright horrible to me and said a lot of very hurtful things. This has now all come back onto me and yet again it's all my fault. I can do nothing right in his eyes so probably best to let him go though it'll kill me.

[LucreziaBorgia]

He's just hurting me now. He was downright horrible to me and said a lot of very hurtful things. This has now all come back onto me and yet again it's all my fault. I can do nothing right in his eyes so probably best to let him go though it'll kill me.

 

In time, you'll find a greater happiness and you'll wonder why you ever wanted to be with a man who makes you feel about yourself like this one does.

[Hippy_Chick]

Hi guys!

 

Thanks so much for your words of suport. Just another wee update. As I said before, I told him that I wouldn't contact him again and he said for me to give him a few days. That was Monday night and he hasn't contacted me. He's going on a trip today for a few days to visit a friend and I know he won't be back until mid next week. When he was first telling me about this trip, he was saying how he was going to go over and he and his friend were going to just "hit the bars". I know he's going out "on the pull" so to speak. Men always seem to do that. My heart is breaking at the thought of it. I know if he had been thinking of me at all he would have been in contact before he left. It's so difficult. My heart is breaking, despite the hurt, I'd love to still try and work things out. I know we'd need to do counselling but I personally think that what we did have at one time was worth it. Something I must also explain, My fiance was the first real relationship that I had. I lost my virginity to him, we'd planned starting a family later this year, I'm just so gutted! Oh whats the best thing to do to get over this?

 

Xxx

[LucreziaBorgia]

Oh whats the best thing to do to get over this?

 

Only two things will work: time and 'no contact'. None, nada - no texts, no emails, no phone calls, nothing. It will hurt having him gone from your life like that, but he is like a bad infection and the only way to rid yourself of an infection is to get rid of it entirely and take measures to prevent it from coming back. It is hard to see the negatives right now, but I guarantee you in time you will. Particularly when you find a decent person to spend your time with. Then you really will see that you dodged a bullet.

 

Counseling for yourself might not be a bad idea, to help you get through this.

[sb129]

 

You didn't lose this guy. You were freed from him. I hope in time you will come to see that, and when you get your head and heart together you can move on to find a much better happiness in your life.

 

In time, you'll find a greater happiness and you'll wonder why you ever wanted to be with a man who makes you feel about yourself like this one does.

 

I absolutely agree with this. My ex manipulated me into thinking I was the "monster" in the R, and he was the saint, and now I look back and wonder how on earth I was ever drawn into his web of utter BS.

 

It sounds like you have made a lucky escape (particularly given his family background). I don't want to criticise, or judge, but if those kind of unresolved, "never spoken about" abuse issues are going on within his immediate family, then it doesn't bode well for your ex's future Rs or any children he may have.

Be glad you are out of it. My ex had various unresolved family issues too, and it messed his head up, but he couldn't deal with it, and projected it all onto me.

 

Art Critics signature is "one day someone will walk into your life and you will realise why it never worked out with anyone else" is SO true. It happened to me- I met another guy, who I am getting married to in a year, and all the sh** I went through with my ex just helps me appreciate that my fiance is the most wonderful person, and that Rs CAN be happy. My ex, as awful as he is, helped me gain some self respect and stopped me from settling for someone who treated me badly.

 

You have been given a second chance to find someone who truly loves you for who you are, respects you (if my fiance pulled those kind of stunts yours did on the "wee night out" I would have been FURIOUS. That was unacceptable behaviour IMO) and treats you well.

 

Go NC, wipe this guy clean from your life, its the only way you can heal.

Good luck- you deserve better, and that someone is out there waiting for you- isn't that an exciting prospect?

[Albucosor]

It's difficult to chose to go away from him because it is like saying "no" to your future with him.

 

Every time you make a decision, it's like saying "no" to the alternative choice.

 

If you decide to stay with him, it's like saying "no" to a possible other relationship with someone else.

 

Making a decision is emotionnaly difficult, but it is something you have to accept.

 

Whatever you chose, accept to say "no" to the opposite choice.There's no way around that. If you don't chose anything, and just wait, you may end up in "snake eyes" position.

 

Snake eyes is when you put two mouse near each eye of a snake. It is said that in this situation, the snake will not attack any of the mice because he is afraid to let go of the second one. The result is that is loses both mice.

 

Making a strong decision is the best you can do. Good luck with that

cheers

[sb129]

Snake eyes is when you put two mouse near each eye of a snake. It is said that in this situation, the snake will not attack any of the mice because he is afraid to let go of the second one. The result is that is loses both mice.

 

I like this. i have never heard it described this way, but its so true.