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I Got involved with a close friend of mine and now our Friedship is ruined


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I got romantically involved with a very close friend of mine. When we were together alone things were fine, but when we were with her friends she appeared to distance herself from me. This made me feel unwanted alot of the time. So we argued several times, but managed to resolve our issues and carried on seeing each other. We went to Berlin in November and unfortunately she still appeared to act differently with me when we were with her friends. Not all of her friends knew about our relationship. Anyway when we were in berlin we argued some more and it resulted in me insulting her infront of her friends. SHe didn't talk to me for a week and said we should try and be friends when we got back to england. She refused to accept that she was responisble for our issues and I had to admit I was very insecure and everything was my fault in order to be friends again.

 

We sent a few texts and she even came out with me to a nightclub with some other friends about a week later. But when we were out it appeared she didn't really want to talk much to me. So the next day I sent her a text message saying I thought she hated me and ignored her the next night when I saw her which resulted in her being mad with me.

 

We then left things for another week and bumped into each other at a party and began to talk again. I sent her the odd text message to be friendly and she would reply to everyone. On New years eve we were out and she was again acting very strange with me as if she didn't really appear to care about making an effort to be good friends. So I sent her an email saying if she didn't make an attempt to make an effort then we may never be friends and that if she didn't get incontact then she wasn't my true friend to begin with. SHe emailed me back and told me it was emotional blackmail and was unnecessary and immature. She said that we obviously won't be close friends again and she doesn't have the capabilities to cater for my very emotional needs. She said that the pressure I'm putting on her to talk is too much and that we should just leave things.

 

So I emailed her back out of anger and said she obvioulsy doesn't care and that I know disliked her and not to contact me again. After that the next day I again emailed her saying I didn't mean what I said in the previous email and asked her what she thought.

 

She hasn't replied since which was yesterday.

 

It is quite obvious that I have dealt with things badly and made things alot worst. But before we started seeing each other we were very close friends and I very much miss that friendship. I'm desprate to fix things as I'm missing someone I cared about very much. Right now I feel emotionally exhausted.

 

If anyone could give me some advice I would be very grateful, thank you for taking the time to read this.

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CalamitousJane

If I were you, I would tell her exactly ONE time how much you like her and care about her, how much you value her friendship, and how you want her to be happy, no matter what.

 

Then let it go completely. It may take a while, but if you're important to her, she'll be in touch. If you're not that important to her, it's better to find out sooner rather than later.

 

I know how you feel - I went through something similar and it can be really tough. Hang in there.

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I really do want to send her another message telling her what she means to me but over the last fe days I have already sent her 3 emails and she hasn't replied to the last 2. I think perhaps it is emotionally exhausting her to read them and feel stupid if I sent her another one now.

 

Do you think I should leave things for a few weeks and then try contacting her again ?

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Do you think I should leave things for a few weeks and then try contacting her again ?

 

I think this is exactly what you should do.

 

I had a brief relationship with a very good friend of mine some years ago. He was like a brother to me and I always went to him for advice. One day he came on to me and I responded in kind. We were very passionate for about 3 weeks, but he was always distant in front of mutual friends and we kept our interactions secret. After 3 weeks he told me that he thought I was getting too attached to him and he pulled away.

 

I was resentful of his actions. We tried to remain friends, but after a year or so of a mediocre, tepid friendship that totally did not match what we had had before we had sex, I ended our friendship. I had moved on and started dating other men, and my old friend couldn't handle it. He would be bitter and caustic and make rude remarks and was never polite to my new boyfriends. Sometimes he would come over and see that my boyfriend was there and leave immediately.

 

IMO you should think carefully and have A LOT of communication if you want to try having a relationship with a close friend. When it ends, that usually also means the end of the friendship.

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I also think she needs to accept responisbility for things which she doesn't appear to want to do. At the end of the day we both knew the risks involved. I think perhaps she feels if she talks to me then I might make her feel bad about things and it's pushing her away too.

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I also think she needs to accept responisbility for things which she doesn't appear to want to do. At the end of the day we both knew the risks involved. I think perhaps she feels if she talks to me then I might make her feel bad about things and it's pushing her away too.

 

Well she may not have good associations with you anymore, if you relationship was filled with arguments and strife.

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CalamitousJane
I also think she needs to accept responisbility for things which she doesn't appear to want to do. At the end of the day we both knew the risks involved. I think perhaps she feels if she talks to me then I might make her feel bad about things and it's pushing her away too.

 

She doesn't need to accept responsibility - what you mean is you want her to. I have always found that the more you try to "make" someone accept responsibility, the less they are inclined to do so.

 

Your best shot is to take full responsibility for your part in the situation, mention nothing about her part, and leave it at that. If she's a responsible person, she will accept responsibility, eventually. If she's not, she never will.

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Yeah you're right!

 

I already accepted responisbility and said it was all my thought before. But in my recent emails I mentioned she was partly to blame. So now she may think I can't make my mind up or was just saying it was my fault etc before because it was what she wanted to hear.

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