Feeling so low, Second guessing myself, lost

[Redudant]

Hi there

 

I'm sorry for being a newbie and possibly intruding, but I'm feeling very desperate and alone, and I just need to speak to someone I guess.

 

I hope this isn't frowned upon, but I have been in a same sex relationship for the last year, with someone 10 years older than me. It's been turbulent to say the least, apart from the fact that neither of us really planned to fall in with each other, neither of us identified as being gay, more likely Bi, and even in the year, the girl I was with has still been unable to tell her friends and family about me.

 

Well, last night I broke up with her after a very very hard couple of months. I'll try to keep the details to a minimum, but it's a Long Distance Relationship (we now live about 2 hours apart), and when it started we had a huge amount of contact, pretty much everyday, and I would go a see her every couple of weeks. It was great, wonderful in fact, I was very happy. I guess we fell in love quite quickly, and up until February/March time, it was very lovely, we'd do things together, even though I was a secret.

 

Then after about April, contact got less and less, she called me less, she's be online less, the texts got less, and I found it very difficult to cope with. I knew she was busy, but all I wanted was for us to speak on the phone every couple of days. Sometimes it would go 9 days without actually speaking voice to voice and it began to tear me apart. In May she broke up with me, and then instantly wanted me back. I went back to her, and things did not really improve, not through the summer, even though I spoke to her numerous times that the lack of contact was hurting me, she insisted that this was her life, and she had responsibilities such as keeping her house tidy, and I would just have to accept that.

 

Well, to fast forward, we've been muddling along until the last month, having amazing times when we're together, having major upsets when we're apart. There was one time when she asked me to go to NYC with her, and I was so very excited that she wanted to go on holiday with me, and she told me the dates she'd looked at, which didn't quite fit into my work schedule, so I asked if we could go a week later, and her response was that she wanted to go on those exact dates so she would find someone else to go with... That completely broke my heart, so unwilling to compromise for me.

 

Anyways, the last month has been horrendous, there have been a few events that have shook my trust, and I don't think they were particularly suspicious, I just think she doesn't *think*... And then in early Nov she broke up with me again, so I did all the right things, deleted number, blocked her online, and she kept contacting me, culminating in her begging me to take her back, saying she would change, that she would tell her family & friends about us, she would change her life so she could contact me more.... And I wanted to believe her so I got back with her...

 

And I saw her at the weekend, and god I just felt all this love for her, and it terrified me. And on the Sunday morning she told me how she couldn't see me for 18 days, and that after Christmas she was going to Africa for 2 weeks. I sort of felt a bit shocked, because it meant we would get no time together over Christmas, and that's a huge thing for me, because I miss her so much when we're apart, and Christmas is a time we both get off work. She offered for me to go to Africa with her, and I lied to my boss, got time off when I shouldn't, got my jabs, got everything ready, and then discovered that same sex couples are illegal out there, so she didn't want me to come then. There was talk of me and her going somewhere first and then she'd go off to Africa, but because of work I wanted it to be the first week, and well, that didn't fit cause everywhere was expensive, so I said why don't we just spend time together, and no that didn't fit either because it was taken as me no wanting to go away with her.

 

Anyway, last night she called and said she was going to go to Africa for 11 days, because the people in the village were organising things out there, and she had to fit in with their dates, and I just felt so galled, so broken that after the month i've been through, after being dumped for a week, that over Christmas, rather than spending time trying to rebuild our relationship which has been shattered, she'd rather fit into someone elses plans, and disappear, leaving me here. So I broke up with her, because I just don't see things changing, I don't see me ever being a priority...

 

But I'm lost because I've been made to question myself so much I no longer know if i'm being unreasonable. And it hurts because I love her so much, but I feel so alone without her, she never talks of the future, she never talks of us ever living together, or even in the same city. She encourages me to buy a house in a different city, encourages me to go off traveling without her, and the confusion has destroyed me, does she want to be with me or not? She can't tell her family or even her friends, so I feel temporary, and I'm so terrified of this always being this alone because we hardly see each other and have no plan.

 

I'm sorry for ranting, I'm just so distraught, and lost, and I don't know if I've done the right thing, I don't know if I would be more lonely with her or without her.

 

Thanks for listening to me

 

R

[melodicmaybe]

I'm new too, so don't feel bad.

 

I don't think you're being unreasonable. Your needs aren't getting met, and it's reasonable to want to be with someone who can meet them. You're wanting commitment and obviously she's not. And based on your pattern of interaction, it doesn't seem likely she's going to be interested in one anytime in the near future.

 

And I can completely empathize with you about the secrecy thing. It hurts. I was in a similar situation with my boyfriend when we first got together. He didn't want to tell his best friend because he felt she would really disapprove of the relationship. It makes the whole relationship feel like this dirty little secret -- not a good secret -- something sordid and unseemly. And that sucks. You try to be understanding because you don't want to be needy or bitchy about it, but it still hurts.

 

She may have perfectly good reasons (to her) for keeping the two of you a secret. (I know my family would have major issues with it, which is why they have no idea about that part of me.) But good reasons or not, that doesn't invalidate the way it's making you feel. And it's making you feel like **** to put it bluntly.

 

And just like with the secrecy thing, she may have perfectly good reasons for not committing right now. She's much older than you and may be at a place in her life where she just can't devote the time and/or energy to making a long term relationship work. Based on what you said it sounds like she's been stringing you along for quite a while though. But regardless of what her reasoning may be, again that does NOT invalidate the way that her behavior is making you feel.

 

You deserve to be with someone who will be as engaged in the relationship as you are. It's not wrong to want to be with someone who wants to be with you just as much as you want to be with them. Relationships are meant to be reciprocal. And for whatever reason, she's not able to do that.

 

And about her promises to change -- don't believe them. No one EVER changes for someone else. She may intend to; she may even really want to, but no one ever changes just to make someone else happy. The only way change ever occurs is for the person to want it for themselves. And right now, based on what you've said, she's pretty comfortable/complacent with where she is in her life right now. If she wasn't she'd be making changes. Not for you -- for her. Since that's not happening, it doesn't leave much room for your relationship with her to work.

 

And you are gonna be lonely without her. It's natural to be upset and lonely after you break it off with someone you love. But you have to tell yourself, "I am worth committing to. I deserve to be with someone who doesn't have to hide our relationship. I deserve to be in a healthy, happy relationship."

 

It will get better. Spend some time doing things totally unrelated to the relationship that make you feel happy and fulfilled. Paint, read, exercise -- whatever healthy thing in your life that makes you feel GOOD.

 

Hang in there, hon.