pinktiger Posted October 17, 2007 Share Posted October 17, 2007 We just broke up for a week. My ex is actually helping me to get over him by remaining as my friend. However, sometimes it makes me more upset because he is so happy that everything is over at his end. He has moved on and he is helping me to move on! Is he doing this for him or for me? How long can we stay as friends? Should I just *break* up this friendship with him so I will not get hurt again? Please advise! Link to post Share on other sites
AshleighVB Posted October 17, 2007 Share Posted October 17, 2007 If you still have feelings for him, you should keep your distance for awhile. Don't put yourself in a position where he can take advantage of you or your feelings/friendship. Don't give yourself the opportunity to get hurt anymore right now...take some time, step back, and decide if this is a person that will really benefit you to be friends with. Link to post Share on other sites
Newtotheblogthing Posted October 17, 2007 Share Posted October 17, 2007 Ok ask yourself these questions. Do I have still have romantic feelings for him? Do I hope that we will reconcile? Do I think that by being friends he might realize he still wants to be with me? If you answer yes, like I did, then it would really be in your best interest to stay away. What is it you really think is going to happen and try to be 100% honest about it. I made the mistake of trying to be friends when it wasn't really a friendship I wanted. I am now once again on my 2nd day of NC. It starts, stops etc.. he would like to be friends but I inevitably end up blowing up or getting needy when the "friendship" i want doesn't align with his idea of friendship. It's very difficult but at the end of the day it really is the best idea to cut him out. Just let it go.. for now. That's what I tell myself.. FOR NOW. If your relationship was like mine, I know that there is still love there but in order to accept that we are not together, I can't talk to him everyday or text. It's confusing and it seems like old times. Try to find the strength, I am here doing the same thing. P.S He may think he's doing this to "help" you but really he is either feeling guilty and this relieves his guilt or he likes having you around on his terms! He might also genuinely want you in his life but YOU are not in the same place emotionally so until you are... stay away.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author pinktiger Posted October 17, 2007 Author Share Posted October 17, 2007 He means a best friends thing. We are keeping up very regular contact... I think you are right that he is feeing guilty about dumping me. When I questioned about this best friend thing, he told me he would give me 7 to 10 days not to talk to him. We are together for a year. I don't know why he thought 7 to 10 days is enough for me to move on. He has moved on within a day. Also, when he was around me, he was very cautious to stay distance from me, like I was kind of disease. His behavior does piss me off and I feel really hurt. Right now, I know I still have feelings toward him. I am upset when he tells me he could not have lunch together with me. Sorry for rumbling like this... I am really confused and don't know what to do!!! Link to post Share on other sites
someone3434 Posted October 17, 2007 Share Posted October 17, 2007 Trust me. As someone who has been back and forth on this exact situation...go NC. You won't be able to heal if you don't. The whole best friend thing is bull****. Link to post Share on other sites
blon_dee Posted October 19, 2007 Share Posted October 19, 2007 I tend to agree with the last comment.. It just cant help you at all.. You will always be wanting more from the friendship. My first true love did that to me, a few days after we broke up, he started asking me out, as a friend, we ended up spending about a year, spending every waking moment together, holidays, movies, dinner, just like we were dating really, without the sex. I guess i thought that was enough for me and that he would eventually change his mind and fall in love with me again. You know what he did? Met someone else, and almost dumped me all over again. I never saw him again. So i think i was just something for him to do until something else came along.... It cant be good for you..... Best of luck Link to post Share on other sites
Amy22 Posted October 19, 2007 Share Posted October 19, 2007 I tried to stay friends with an ex. It didn't work I couldn't get over him. I kept hoping that the friendship would turn back into a relationship. I couldn't have a relationship with any other guy because I always thought about him. Now over four years later we talk once an a while and are friends. But I had to stop talking to him for awhile to be able to get to the point that I could be friends with him. I had to get over him first. So while I think you can I don't think you can that soon after the break up. It took about a year before I felt like I could talk to him. Link to post Share on other sites
ninjaturtles Posted October 19, 2007 Share Posted October 19, 2007 I have 2 scenarios for u. The 1st, was with this guy i dated. When he broke up with me, we remained friends..he even called me the day afterwards etc. I hung on to the hope that we would get back together..well we did...but only when we actually went NC after a while. See, the thing is, we remained friends for about 5 months, but during that period i wanted more...i wont lie...i kind of liked the idea that we were still talking and he didnt just eclipse from my life...we were freinfs b4 we dated and i actually was happy that he was still in my life..kind of......but the thing is he was not there as the person i wanted . eg i could not call him randomly, u know..cudnt see him...sometimes we wud chat on msn but he would not give me the responses i longed for...so it had it ups and downs. I wont lie, my hopes were raised as well..thinking that the fact we were talking meant that perhaps we would get back..BUT only after we had a lil fight and completely stopped talking for a while did he come back. It was strange cos wen we fighting, we would see ourselves in parties but we would not talk.....anyway, it was after we went NC....that he actually missed me i think..plus, i was kinda checkin out someone at that time, so i think he felt the lack of intrest in him on my path....and from nowhere he started asking me to come to see him, u know...everything. I have to admit though, that if we had stopped talking right from the end of the relationship he may not have come back....but thinkng bout it again, he may have...cos he may have missed me earlier. I did not go back to him..i had lost intrest, this was bout 6 months afterwards. so.....maybe u shud stop talking to him regularly..dont be his friend....but u cud speak to him once in a while...u know.,think bout it as quitting ciggys. some ppl cant go cold turkey, the prefer to reduce the number of ciggys per day...its best to stop immediately but some ppl cant...so in ur case, think....would you be very very misreable if you just completly stopped talking to him, or would you prefer it if you spoke once in while and you gradually withdrew yourself from him.. with me, in time i realised i had to stop talking to him. but that was only after i tried being his friend. dont just listen to what people say, cos everyone is diffrent. YES its bad to be freiends with your ex immesiately after break up, cos he is moving on and you are clingin on to false hopes..(kind of)...but you may not want to STOP talkin to him complelty...maybe 1ce a week, then 1once in 2 weeks, then 1 in 3 weeks..then cut off gradually?xxx Link to post Share on other sites
ninjaturtles Posted October 19, 2007 Share Posted October 19, 2007 Hey! amy is right!! i had to actually get over him...b4 we cud actually be friends!!....b4 i got over him, i was just pinning on to hopes of reconciliation. Link to post Share on other sites
trulysomething Posted October 19, 2007 Share Posted October 19, 2007 I'm in the same situation. I thought I could handle being his friend..now I'm thinking that I just need to go NC. I've stopped taking a few of his calls..only answer every third one or so. I always end the conversation and am very positive on the phone. Sometimes, I even feel better about the breakup after getting off the phone and hearing about what he's been doing! That said..I still miss him horribly and would love for him to say he made a mistake. But, I can't wait on that and I need to move on with my own life. You do too. As Kate Winslet noted in The Holiday..."I'm not even the leading lady in my own life!" Be the leading lady. Link to post Share on other sites
CaliGuy Posted October 19, 2007 Share Posted October 19, 2007 We just broke up for a week. My ex is actually helping me to get over him by remaining as my friend. However, sometimes it makes me more upset because he is so happy that everything is over at his end. He has moved on and he is helping me to move on! Is he doing this for him or for me? How long can we stay as friends? Should I just *break* up this friendship with him so I will not get hurt again? Please advise! Nope. As long as you still have romantic feelings for him I woul dnot recommend remaining in contact. Once you are truly over him a friendship is possible, but not before. The longer you stay friends with someone you are still in love with the longer it will take you to heal and move on. Link to post Share on other sites
carolinaboy Posted October 19, 2007 Share Posted October 19, 2007 im trying to talk myself into going to see my ex and some friends next week and i think about what Caliguy says and it's such a grey area. Pink tiger, my ex broke up with me and called me constantly over 2 mos. to be "friends." it feels weird to shut them off, but hey they shut you off, right? if you feel hurt, betrayed, sad, lonely, confused....is that what friendship is really about? it certainly isnt "hey let's just sweep all of that nastiness under the rug and go get some coffee!" it's a lot more complicated. I do think the people who post on here are right when they say the ex's only ask for friendship to feel ok about what happened...it's more for them than for you. who wouldnt hope that every heart they broke or every time a relationship ended things could just be "cool?" I feel like ex's are blinded by the fact that they still care but dont really want to work through all the bad stuff or dont want to be bothered, or arent on the level enough to do so. so the friends thing just kind of puts it on the dumped to basically say by way of being friends that all is forgiven and everything is fine. I hope things get easier for ya, I hope that you heal as fast as possible. I know the feeling when you see the ex and their body language is cold. it's cruel! stay strong! Link to post Share on other sites
Author pinktiger Posted October 20, 2007 Author Share Posted October 20, 2007 i think that i am really confused. He seemed caring but at the same time distanced as well. I don't even know why we had dinner together if it is not fun as before? He tried to act as everything was like the way when we just were friends. He was upset at me because i said we were not close any more. He claimed that we are still close as best friends... He made me feel guilty coz i don't appreciate his friendship.... I am really hurt, my stomach is very upset even now...the emotional pain can cause physical damage... Link to post Share on other sites
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