blon_dee Posted October 16, 2007 Share Posted October 16, 2007 I have posted in marriage section last week, when things started turning weird.. Long story short. met a wonderful man 9 mths ago. Every minute has been fantastic, we were so in love blah blah.. He seemed a bit distant a week or 2 ago so i confronted him straight up (I had previously been married, cheated on, divorced). He said he just wasnt coping with his new role as a live in partner and step dad almost to my dd4, so said he wanted to move out to have his own space, but still loved me blah blah... Understandable i thought. Fair enough, big change.. Hes never given me a reason, not for a second that he didnt mean everything he has always said. Always with me or at work, not coming home particularly late, nothing. Ok... this will be fine......Nagging feeling things still not right. That deep gut instinct. Ok, this may be wrong.. but By complete chance, his email and log in were saved on my computer and i couldnt help myself but look. In the outbox i found messages to people he had been chatting to on sex sites, looking for sex with not only other women, but couples, trannys etc. Needless to say i kicked him out on the spot as soon as he got home last night. I've had the relentless messages, and emails the "Im so sorry" "I didnt act on it, i was just curious" "I really do love you" "Im so disgusted in myself" "I Hate myself". it goes on. I am just so totally numb and devastated i dont even begin to know where to start to even think straight. This is a guy who for all the world, everyone finally thought i had met "Mr Right" - has every minute treated me well, been respectful , loving.. Everyone loved him and thought, wow , how lucky is she to finally meet someone so great after being screwed over by the first husband. Turns out i didnt even know him at all. HE even bought me a diamond ring whilst we were on an overseas holiday in August. He started this online thing 4 days after we returned from holidays. I need some serious help. I dont know how i am ever going to get up and go on with my life when everything i believed to be true has been a lie. I certainly cant even believe all these relentless apologies. Please help me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author blon_dee Posted October 16, 2007 Author Share Posted October 16, 2007 Please could someone read this and give me some advice Link to post Share on other sites
Author blon_dee Posted October 16, 2007 Author Share Posted October 16, 2007 Please offer me some advice... im feeling so desperate right now Link to post Share on other sites
Pentula77 Posted October 16, 2007 Share Posted October 16, 2007 I think congruency is important in a man. This guy has none...trust your gut and move on. Link to post Share on other sites
Fancee Posted October 16, 2007 Share Posted October 16, 2007 Blondee, I really think you are overreacting bigtime. Its an awful lot of play that goes on online. One out of every 10,000 maybe something materializes. Some ppl just play around to see if something could really happen online. Just for fun more or less out of curiousity. Then you got the ones that play out of boredom. Then you got those lonely desperate souls out there. They have all have absolutely not intentions of taking any it further than the computer when they turn it. Thats about it. Now those desperate lonely ppl if they will have a real motive of intentions. Hurry and forgive him. I know 2 guys who love their wives take care everything but love to look at women online. One has a couple of female friends out of town. They have been friends and doing this for years. Just having fun. Personally if he is at home all the time looking at movies and and tv, and computer I wouldn't care. I hope thats all he do -just stay at home. Just get you some software keep track if you are worried about something going further just playing around. Hurry up before he hurt to bad. Give him a chance to prove you wrong. Link to post Share on other sites
Pentula77 Posted October 16, 2007 Share Posted October 16, 2007 the key to this is she intuited that something was wrong (would this happen from harmless online surfing etc)...sounds like he wanted to move out so he can have his online buddies around... Link to post Share on other sites
Author blon_dee Posted October 16, 2007 Author Share Posted October 16, 2007 I hardly think im over reacting. How could i believe that he didnt do anything that it was just fantasy or whatever? Hes not even trying to prove me wrong either, hes admitting that hes disgusted for what he did. Hes trying to apologise, but its not making it any better for me. He says he cant give me the answer to my WHY? question right now, hes too ashamed of what he is done. Any other input? I appreciate reasonable and sensible comments. I have only come here out of desperation for some answers and help with understanding. Link to post Share on other sites
Fancee Posted October 16, 2007 Share Posted October 16, 2007 Pentula77 that gut feeling and intution you are right. It led her straight to it. But I am telling you thats all it maybe. I have this intution gut feeling and find out things but in the longrun it wasn't worth loosing the good guy. Blondee you got to add up the cost. I went back reread this b/c of Pentula mentioned intuition. Now if he makes good money and is self supporting and a great access to you- then he don't have to go there(internet). Getting a woman is not a problem for him. But if he needs to live with you and don't make that much money and maybe he is not worth it to you. You just can't fall for internet stuff like that. I know a guy I did a myspace page for and he loves it. Its a girl on there that just loves him and he feels good about it. Her boyfriend got mad at him once on myspace. That man hasn't miss one sunday taking his wife to church and doing the things a man do, paying the bills is always home from work. Just fun on the internet. Me and him just laugh about the girl and her boyfriend and thats it. Count up the cost. Link to post Share on other sites
Pentula77 Posted October 16, 2007 Share Posted October 16, 2007 the point I'm trying to make is that his actions (i.e moving out) have coincided with his little "hobbie"....which suggests there is more to it than just innocent web surfing... basically he's cheating on you.... to get a real undersatding of the situation you'd have to go into more detail regarding the emails...has he tried to set up meetings with these people or was it just kinky banter...I think the content is important. Link to post Share on other sites
Author blon_dee Posted October 16, 2007 Author Share Posted October 16, 2007 There was definately intent to meet with these people, guess i have no real proof that he did anything physically, the emails i personally read seemed to be just trying to organise something. Does that really matter? this guy appears for all the world to be a decent respecting "nice" guy. I just cannot believe people do this kind of thing? Why not just leave if you're not happy?? He hadnt moved out yet, he seemed to be stalling on moving out. He works, he has money, hes just been bludging off me owning my own house and living rent free. I didnt see it for that at the time i guess, i thought we were a good thing. In the 9 mths i have known him, he has never treated me with anything but love and respect. This is just such a total and utter shock to me. His mother rang me today, says he turned up at her plc last night, said he was really upset and crying saying he "talked to girls on the internet" and i had kicked him out. She said he just said he had made a terrible mistake. But how could i possibly believe it? Link to post Share on other sites
Fancee Posted October 16, 2007 Share Posted October 16, 2007 Blondee don't let his moma run that game on you. You got these guys who moms will help them out. Sometimes they don't want them back home either. Maybe Pentula is right about him being immature. He is the guy in the other thread having problems with us parents. He runs to his moma skirt tail. I could see him talking to her for advice. But not advice, not just talk. She calls you up! Count up the cost with her also. Whats her motive? What has she got loose or gain? Link to post Share on other sites
luvstarved Posted October 16, 2007 Share Posted October 16, 2007 Well, blon-dee, I read your other thread and was thinking that yes, you needed to give him the time and space to make this adjustment. My H also was a bachelor, even living with his Mom and Dad when he took on my two kids and me, and at the time I did not understand the difficulty he had with it. It IS hard, and I would definitely have advised you to hang in there and give him more time. Now I don't know. Could absolutely be true that this was a curiosity, it even could be possible that he was a little spurred on to this in some way as a reaction to the Dad role and wanting to cling to something "adult" and "hot". MOST of the time, though, when shy, infrequent visitors go to porn sites, they just look and don't have the nerve to actually interact with other people on the web. I don't know how solid it seemed to you that he was making actual plans to meet someone, but I doubt that this was a one time curiosity deal. It probably has not been an issue with him in Rs before because he would have then had the sense to cover his tracks... Porn can be a harmless hobby. It can also be an addiction. Some women can tolerate it as a hobby...but some can't tolerate its use at all. You need to first figure out where YOU fall into that continuum and decide whether you think that you can live with wherever HE may fall into it. It is very unlikely that he is just going to stop and not do it again...I have some tolerance for porn but it is pretty low. I have been married to my H for 11 years and I believe that if he were actually talking to other women online and making plans I would toss him out on his ear. I know many guys can easily separate sex and love, and that he could love you at the same time as having these other pursuits. Personally, it is outside of the range of what I could accept, you must decide for yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
Pentula77 Posted October 16, 2007 Share Posted October 16, 2007 There was definately intent to meet with these people, guess i have no real proof that he did anything physically, the emails i personally read seemed to be just trying to organise something. Does that really matter? yes he's cheating he's out... Tough love... Adios baby ! Link to post Share on other sites
BrianG Posted October 16, 2007 Share Posted October 16, 2007 I guess you could say that I am on the opposite side of the spectrum on this one and my girl broke up with me and moved out. I happened to be that guy on one of those sites, but it was one night out of boredom, intoxication and curiousity. I had no intentions of anything ever materializing and I mean never, but she had access to my email account and saw the few emails from that one stupid, idiotic night and I lied about them because i was afraid to lose her. Looking bad it was one of the most idiotic thing i have ever done in our relationship because I am sitting in our empty apartment without the woman i love. I keep asking myself was it that bad to end a 5 year relationship over? If you love someone shouldnt you try your hardest to work it out? Things were not so hot at the time between us and I guess this was the final straw. I told my girl a lot of the same things he said to you because i am hurt and upset at myself for hurting her. She is devastated just as you are so I guess I just have to suck it up. I tried apologizing, begging to work it out and tell her how bad i felt. For your case and mine i hope things work out for the best and could use whatever input as to what he or I have to do to redeem ourselves. Link to post Share on other sites
Pentula77 Posted October 16, 2007 Share Posted October 16, 2007 I guess you could say that I am on the opposite side of the spectrum on this one and my girl broke up with me and moved out. I happened to be that guy on one of those sites, but it was one night out of boredom, intoxication and curiousity. I had no intentions of anything ever materializing and I mean never, but she had access to my email account and saw the few emails from that one stupid, idiotic night and I lied about them because i was afraid to lose her. Looking bad it was one of the most idiotic thing i have ever done in our relationship because I am sitting in our empty apartment without the woman i love. I keep asking myself was it that bad to end a 5 year relationship over? If you love someone shouldnt you try your hardest to work it out? Things were not so hot at the time between us and I guess this was the final straw. I told my girl a lot of the same things he said to you because i am hurt and upset at myself for hurting her. She is devastated just as you are so I guess I just have to suck it up. I tried apologizing, begging to work it out and tell her how bad i felt. For your case and mine i hope things work out for the best and could use whatever input as to what he or I have to do to redeem ourselves. trust is everything...you broke it. Link to post Share on other sites
Pentula77 Posted October 16, 2007 Share Posted October 16, 2007 Brian she was probably looking for an out and you gave her an easy one. So it was probably a lot of things not just the emails but she used the emails as an excuse. Link to post Share on other sites
BrianG Posted October 16, 2007 Share Posted October 16, 2007 Brian she was probably looking for an out and you gave her an easy one. So it was probably a lot of things not just the emails but she used the emails as an excuse. yeah I know i gave it to her on a silver platter. I just wish there was something I could do? i hate this feeling of helplessness Link to post Share on other sites
Author blon_dee Posted October 16, 2007 Author Share Posted October 16, 2007 Thanks everyone. i am appreciating everyones input. I have had countless more emails and texts since i last posted yesterday. I have to say he does seem sincere in his apologies. I had a seemingly perfect relationship with this man, as i said, for 8 of the 9 mths we have been together, we have been blisfully happy like i never believed. I am trying to believe him when he says he never acted on it. He swears he didnt. What if he is like Brian? Brian didnt act on it? What if i let go this wonderful man who just turned to this stuff out of boredom and desperation or the "Thrill of the chase" actually is one answer he has given me, because he wasnt happy with this new situation he was living. I dont doubt for a minute that he really loved me, i think things just got a bit stale and ordinary. I dont know how to do this. Everyone i know is so cut and dry about it - get rid of him, tell him not to email or text. But i am obviously still in love with the good and loving man. What if he just made a mistake and now hes had a big reality check he will never do it again????? Or is this just a stage of grieving the relationship that i want to have him back and will fix it no matter what?? What about counselling? How can he prove to me that he wont do it again?? Link to post Share on other sites
seven3four Posted October 16, 2007 Share Posted October 16, 2007 make him get tested for STD Link to post Share on other sites
Author blon_dee Posted October 16, 2007 Author Share Posted October 16, 2007 Yep i would definately do that, and going to do it myself too. But how do you get the trust back?? How can i lie here on nights when hes not here and believe hes not out there again?? Who else has been cheated on and got that trust back?? to Brian - why did you do it? Was it just out of boredom, feeling stale in the relationship?? Link to post Share on other sites
Fancee Posted October 17, 2007 Share Posted October 17, 2007 You need to count up your cost. He is living free and working. He is telling you he wants out and have a problem with you having children. He all of sudden is crying and begging. For what he already said he was leaving? What would bother me is him working and living free? He don't offer to help pay rent? I would feel used and I would feel this is wrong. Blondee if you are looking to fooled in the future- then just trust him. As for as trust you should never do that. I don't care how good they are. No one in my book is above the law. I am not trusting nobody. But doesn't mean I going to be stalking. Your intuition will alert you. If you want to trust - trust God. I am not putting my trust in no man but God. B/c he is a human being subject to mistakes. Now to me you do have a problems him saying he want to move out and money issues. Have ever noticed everytime a guy likes Oprah they have something to say about her money? You heard what Tyler Perry said, ask her jokingly to marry him and then said I wouldn't need a prunuptial. He got her money and worth on his mind. Its not joke when you are billionaire. Another guy that fell for Oprah once said it would be his first time to feel a girl wants him not just for not his money. He was thinking about her money then. You heard what Snoop dog said, pimping ain't dead just rearranged.You got to reassess everything. If this is cool with you- its okay. But the problem next is he has stated he wanted to move out. If you can address those problems things can work out. None of your problems are above being work out real easy. They are not real problems - they are setting rules/getting to together- and getting adjusted to each other. It means that the relationship is progressing beyond just friends and attraction but uniting 2 personilities to live together happily. Link to post Share on other sites
Author blon_dee Posted October 17, 2007 Author Share Posted October 17, 2007 thanks i appreciate your input. He has told me today, in the never ending text messages and emails, that he wanted to move out to "reignite" the spark we once had. He says all the emails from this adult site were just "talk" and he never ever acted on them. I still need proof, i have no idea how to get it. He says the account has been cancelled, but he will try to get it back up later today when he gets back to the office, and let me read the emails on the site itself, to prove he has nothing to hide. .. I guess he could delete anything incriminating though.. I just want back that gorgeous man i loved and want to believe this was just an honest mistake and error in judgement he has made. but 1 - it has been going on for almost 2 mths 2. the emails ihave read seemed to indicate definate intention on meeting these people 3. how could i trust him again Link to post Share on other sites
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