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i left the country to forget him...


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...and it's sort of working and sort of not.

 

I left town until Nov 5, ran off to Mexico on Sept 16. He dumped me July 16. He will be back in town on Oct 28, has been gone since July 16.

 

I'm getting some work done on the book, and I'm hanging out on the beach a lot, and I'm really proud of myself that I'm literally staying in a jungle. I came here by myself and found my way to this remote little fishing village, where I have internet access for a few days before I move on again.

 

The thing is, some days I can't even move. Yesterday I just lay in a hammock crying all day (the good part: the hammock. the bad part: the crying.) I haven't talked to him since Aug 28. Total NC, complete with blocking his number and his email addresses.

 

He'll be back when I get back, and I'm freaking out over it so much. What if I see him on the street? I can't even imagine how I'd react to that. If he was with someone else I think I'd crawl in a hole and stay there for a couple of years. And do I unblock his contact info when he comes back, or do I keep it blocked and feel proud of myself (even though this means that if he's trying to reach me, I don't know it.)

 

The last time we talked, he was like someone I didn't know. I feel like I had a twin and he was body-snatched and now he's gone. This guy really was the love of my life, I mean, I went around telling people that, and then he dumped me out of the blue and now I'm humiliated. I hate knowing that we have to go through these feelings to come out the other side. I cry almost every day, still. Like, curled up in a ball on the floor sobbing type crying. I can't believe anything can hurt this much.

 

How do I deal with going back home? How do I deal with knowing I wasn't good enough for him, that everything I had to give wasn't enough? How do you carry on after that? I'm in the wilds of Mexico and it's not doing the trick. How do you ever get your self-esteem back?

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