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Why is he so angry with me?


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So my bf of three years (on and off and we had gotten back together officially 2 months ago) told me on tuesday night that he didnt' want to do this anymore. No warning or anything. At the end of our ten minute talk he said he would think about it for a few days before making up his mind. He has an eight year old son that I am very close to as he has full custody and his son is always around. When we got back together (were very close FWB before) he told me I needed to spend more time with them, spend the night with him, and do more things one on one with his son. These are things he's asked for througout our relationship. So this time I decided to be serious about it and basically blew off my friends and spent all my free time with my bf and his son. At first he seemed to be loving this. I should also mention that he just got his own place and that was one reason I was spending more time with him (he used to always come over to the area I lived in and he was always the one who had to make the effort to see me. and now the tables were reversed and I had no problem going to his apartment all the time.

 

Two weeks ago he was talking about getting engaged and about marriage (I did NOT bring this up- he did this all on his own, I haven't even slightly hinted at this) Last week he was begging me to spend the night with them (not about sex as his son was there). We've been having a great sex life recently and hanging out all the time and his son loves me and we all have a great time together. Recently he'd also asked me to get more involved in his son's life- take him places just me and him to make him feel special, go to his school open house, stuff like that. his son always wants a group hug where all three of us hug when I leave. Well after my bf said he'd think about it for a few days he asked me to stop over yesterday (one day after he said he'd think about it) He wanted me to come over and watch a movie. Thinking this was a sign he missed me I went. Well his son wasn't there (at his mom's) and my bf had all my stuff that I'd left at his apartment in a bag on his couch ready for me to take. He said he decided he was lying to me and to himself and that he did not want to be with me. he said the last 3 years were a waste of his time and that when I came over to his apartment and hung out with them he thougth he'd enjoy it but after I left each night he was thinking "thank god she left!" He said he hated having me around. He went on to say that tuesday (day he didn't see me) he didn't miss me at all and was glad I wasn't around!! He siad he was perfectly happy just sitting on his balconey by himself smoking and just watching people on the street walk by. Said the only reason he invited me over (yesterday) was he was bored and wanted someone to bull**** to. He said he didn't want to date anyone at all right now and wasnt' interested in anyone else (I asked because it would be so much "easier" for me if he wanted to leave me for someone else. Cause there's nothing I can do if he wants someone else. But no, he said thats not the case at all. That he thinks he will be perfectly happy being alone and single.

 

he then went on to say that he didnt' think his son would miss me either cause he hadn't asked about me yesterday (well duh I was just there on Monday!) He said he thought we should still be friends and we could still hang out once in awhile and go to the movies with his son adn stuff. I told him I couldnt' do that because it would bother me to see him dating someone else. He says he's not interested in dating anyone else and that I wouldn't have to worry about that for awhile. That he just wants to be alone. He went on to say that the sex was great between us but he probably won't miss it but he'd be open to being FWB again if I was interested (keep dreaming *******!) The weird thing is that I had given him porn movies (we used to watch them together and he watched them alone too) and he gave those back to me with my stuff and he also gave me the only porn movie he'd bought. So now he has NO porn at all. That is very strange. I asked him about it and he said he gave me his porn (the one he bought) to borrow cause I'd need something since I wasn't getting any sex from him?

 

The really confusing thing is he still has my picture (taken in may) sitting by his bed. I asked why he didn't take that down yet and he said he didnt' know. Then he told me (like it was a consolation) that this guy he works with that he hates has a thing for me adn is always asking about me and thinks I"m really hot. Gee that doesn't make me feel any better.

 

I didn't cry around him or beg or anything. Just acted as stoic as I could and forced some laughs and tried to talk to him like everything was fine. It was very awkward. I just don't understand!! 2 weeks ago he was talking about getting engaged and now all of a sudden total change of heart and he acts like I"m some huge nuisance that he can't wait to get rid of!!!

 

I have cried so much since I left from seeing him. It feels like I can't breathe. I dreamt about him and his son last night and when I woke up to go to work this horrible sick, sinking feeling returned to my stomach.

 

This is a guy who I loved, who I was led to believe loved me, who I invested my time and emotions with. We were just making plans- we were supposed to take his son trick or treating together, I was going to start picking his son up from daycare every day (just asked me on sunday), he wanted to go to my work christmas party with me. I just don't understand the sudden change of heart. I could understand if he met someone else and was in a hurry to get rid of everything of mine so he could invite her into his life or if I did something horrible like cheated on him, then I could understand. But for him to suddenly demote me and act like I meant NOTHING, i just can't wrap my mind aroudn that one. I just feel sick, hurt hopeless. I've been awake for only two hours today and I just can't wait for this day to be over. It is torture. I want to drink myself into a stuper (and I don't even drink!!) or just take sleeping pills so I don't have to be awake. The only part of the day I look forward to is late at night when I"m exhausted and can't keep my eyes open anymore. But then my dreams just tease me and I have to wake up to reality.

 

I used to talk to him every single day (his doing not mine) for the last 3 years. I think we had only gone two days that whole time without talking. He was the person I was closest to in this world. My best friend. and now there is just a huge hole there. and I don't know how to heal it

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Wow Lexi, I don't know what to tell you.

 

That's definitely some bizarre behavior on his part. Doesn't make sense to me. Honestly, my gut instinct is saying that he must be lieing to you about something. That doesn't necessarily mean that he is, but nothing else makes sense.

 

Whatever caused him to do what he did, is really beside the point that he's being incredibly selfish & cruel to both you & his own son. How could he just come out & tell you that he was "relieved when you left", that his son wouldn't miss you ( after you were a steady part of his life for a third of his life ) & that he could basically "give or take" the sex?

 

That's just VERY cold.

 

Was he always cold hearted like this to you or other people that he knew or what?

 

I mean, c'mon. He HAD to have known that saying those things would hurt you a great deal. And that's just not right. And yet, he still expects that you might show up occasionally to take his son out & be his FWB?!!

DAMN, but this guy must have a REALLY high opinion of himself ... :eek:

 

I wish I could say something to make you feel better kiddo, 'cause I know just how debilitating heartbreak can be, believe me. Sometimes it just hurts to breath. But, as cliche as it sounds, I've found that the only thing that works is time & distance.

 

Take care, feel better & peace. :)

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No, he's not normally cold hearted. I mean he doesn't really care too much for anyone outside of his own family and he's not the most compasionate person but to be that downright mean, no thats not him. To me, it feels like he found someone else or has been dating someone behind my back and she ordered him to get me the hell out of his life or something. Just the way he said he'd think about it and then the very next day had all of my stuff all packed up and ready to go like anythign that was mine was some stinking garbage that he had to get out of his apartment as quickly as possible. I don't see how he could have possibly been seeing anyone else because I was ALWAYS around. I just don't understand why he would make the plans with his son and encourage me to get closer to him. I mean one of the last times I was over his son and I were watching a movie (he's 8) and he always wants to cuddle with me. He had his arm around me and I had my arm around him and we were sitting on the couch watching this movie. A week before that I picked his son up from daycare and surprised him with a trip to the park. He loved that! When my bf was saying all of these rude things he wasn't yelling at me or anything. Just saying them matter of factly like I was some piece of trash he was throwing out. but then he gave me a hug and kiss bye at the end and the other 20 minutes I was there he just talked normal to me about work and stuff. He also told me he might give in and give my phone number to that guy at work he hates (that likes me) Which hurt too. LIke he cares so little about me that he wouldn't mind me dating some guy he literally can not stand.

 

I almost wish there was someone else and thats why he's acting the way he is. and the weird thing is he thinks we can still be friends after all of this.

 

The only thing I can think of is that my bf (well ex) just isn't into committment. He is 30 years old and maybe this freaked him out (although HE was the one talking marriage NOT me) I just dont' get it and it hurts like hell.

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Not that it matters and I'm just beating a dead horse here I know, but yes, my bf is known to say some pretty mean things when he is angry or backed in a corner. but he's never directed that at me.

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Maybe your ex is seeing someone else at work?

 

I don't know, just seems like there must be some sort of catalyst for him to undergo such an abrupt change toward you & your relationship. I mean, I suppose that he could be a commitment-phobe, but that doesn't mesh with the hints that he was dropping just a couple of weeks ago about the potential for marriage. Not to mention his desire for you to become closer to his son.

 

I mean, like I said earlier, whether he wants to admit it or not, by just ending his relationship with you out of the blue like he did, he's bound to be hurting his son's feelings deeply as well. It sounds like you & his son were close & ending the relationship suddenly like he didis bound to have an effect on the poor little guy.

 

Speaking of "little guys", that's another thing that sends up a red flag about his behavior. If your sexual relationship with your former BF was even remotely as good as you say it was ( & I certainly have no reason to doubt you ), there's just no way that he'd give up on it & you with such a blase attitude. Men just don't do that.

 

And, they DEFINITELY don't go about contemplating fixing up this terrific lover with some individual that they work with whom they supposedly can't stand. That just makes no sense at all. None.

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I know, I know you are right- but thats why I just dont' understand and am trying to figure out WHY. because I feel if I have the WHY it will make it easier to let go. When I stop crying and look back I guess I can see some signs that he is commitment phobic. When I was the one to break off our relationship and whenever I would pull away or put distance between us (which I pretty much did most of our relationship- I never let myself get too attached. or if I was attached I didn't show it much. I was very independent and it drove him crazy. He was always chasing me. Every other woman in his life had been so "easy" They would throw themselves at him, want a life with him, and he'd push them away. It was like he viewed me as totally unatainable. I made him wait two years of knowing him before I even dated him, six months of dating before I had sex with him, and I never even spent the night with him until recently (when he moved) No other woman before me had ever acted like this. He always said that he treated me better than anyone he'd ever been with because he was afraid if he didnt' treat me the best I'd leave him- because he felt I was just out of reach all the time.

 

He would call me every single day, he would pour his heart out to me. Even when were were just FWB (we did this on our breaks from dating) he would tell me every single day that he missed me, he loved me.

Then now when I finally gave in, gave him my heart and did everything he always said he wanted- spent all my time with him, had sex with him all the time, became closer to his son, he abrubtly with no warning just pulled away and shut me out.

 

Thats why I think he has fear of committment. He knows I used to be commitment phobic so maybe he thought it was "safe" to talk to me about marriage and stuff because he thougth it would scare me too. And when it didnt' and I was happy and he didnt' have to CHASE me anymore, either he got bored or me being aroudn all the time, practicaly living there and doing everything with him scared him off.

If I look back at his previous relationships- the longest (besides me) was with a girl he started dating at 16 moved across the country with her and her mom and lived with her till he was 19. At this time she wanted to get engaged and he refused and she left him.

the next serious relationship was his son's mother- at 22 adn they lived together for about 4 months and were together maybe 10 months and planning to get married and she cheated on him and left before he even knew she was pregnant.

He dated some other women for a few months to a year but each time one would get close there would be some reason he didnt like her anymore.

Once during one of our breaks- he hooked up with this woman with a young baby. He'd known her for years and helped her thru a rough spot- she adored him, spent all the time I was ignoring him with him, did everything for him. And he threw her away too.

 

Maybe I'm fooling myself into thinking that this wasn't my fault by blaming it on commitment issues of his. but if its not that or that he met someoene else (adn I don't know when he would have had time for that) and also if he met someone else why would he ask me to be FWB again with him or to still hang out with his son once in awhile because obviously I would find out.

 

Its only been a day of no contact (yesterday) and it was so rough. I just wanted something from him- a text, a call anything. Just some acknowlegement that I, who was such a huge part of his life, still exist in his mind.

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And, they DEFINITELY don't go about contemplating fixing up this terrific lover with some individual that they work with whom they supposedly can't stand. That just makes no sense at all. None.

 

 

I think his remark about the guy he hates at work liking me and thinking I'm hot and stuff, I think that was meant to be a low blow. Such as this piece of crap he has no respect for thinks that I'm hot- and this guy is considered a loser (by him) (although I actually think he's way better looking than my bf) I think it was meant to be an insult to me. He did say he would kill this guy (and me) if I ever dated him.

 

Another weird thing is that he's hated his son's mother for years. there is major animosity there. she'd done a lot of things to hurt their son. She is one of those people who just shouldn't have kids. She's done horrible things to both him and his son (deserting his son for years then stealing him away and moving out of state) my bf still has finanical problems from paying all the lawyers he's had to hire to fight her off in court. So he's always talked badly of her. and for hte most part she deserves it.She tries to buy their son off-telling him he can have an Xbox if he lives with her (my bf cant' afford till christmas). She also doesn't work and doens't provide any financial support to their son, she lives with her husband and their daughter and she doesn't give my bf's son anything. For his birthday she didn't even bake him a cake. She spends $800 a month boarding her horses but can't "afford" to buy her own son school clothes or even a pair of shoes. When he goes to her house she makes him wear clothes that are too small for him.

 

Well during our fight the other day my bf mentioned how nice his son's mother has become very recently. that she's been agreeable and says please and thank you when he drops off their son. (I know this means she is up to something like taking him back to court or something) but his total change in attitude is alarming. that his son's mother is so nice all of a sudden and I"m the devil he needs to rid from his house. I don't think THEY are getting back together as she's married, weighs literally 200 lbs more than I do! and there is no way possible they would get along. Even her own son hates her and bawls his eyes out whenever he has to go to his mother's.

 

I just don't know.

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Well, once again, I'm at a loss.

 

Obviously something has occuredthat's caused his recent change in behavior toward you & he's just not saying what it is that's led to him becoming all bizzaro. I mean, is he on drugs? Has suddenly come to the realization that he's gay? :confused:

 

Maybe these scenarios sound absurd, but something major must be going on for him to change overnight like he did & become so cruel to you. Maybe it's just me, but damn, it sounds like he had a VERY good thing going with you. The type of relationship that would make a whole lot of other men envious. And he's just throwing it away?

 

Like I said, bizzare.

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Well, once again, I'm at a loss.

 

Maybe it's just me, but damn, it sounds like he had a VERY good thing going with you. The type of relationship that would make a whole lot of other men envious. And he's just throwing it away?

 

Like I said, bizzare.

 

Thats why I'm searching for answers. I just CAN"T make any sense of this and maybe I"m not meant to but as bad as it sounds, even finding out that he was seeing someone else/wants to date someone else would be more comforting to me then me thinking everything was fine and he just woke up one morning and realized he hates me. Its just hard because I did everything he always said he wanted. He was forever begging me to spend more time with him. he wanted me to become more involved with his son, he's always asked for more sex and I was doing all of these thing- taking his son out just the two of us so his son would feel special, picking him up from school, I helped my bf get stuff for his new apartment, I became closer to his parents, I started having sex with him all the time -turned into a real nympho- got him to do all these positions and places he'd never done it with anyone else. I would cook dinner for him when he'd get home late and was exhausted. The only thing he was still bugging me about was spending the night more often (we didn't live together).

 

I'd met more of his friends (I never wanted to hang out with some of his friends before) and all of his friends think I'm hot (he's told me this) He even said he'd love to stay FWB but he knows I won't do that. I want everything (commitment) or nothing at all. I'd like to think he's just afraid of commitment but if that was all it was then why would he literally be in a huge rush to get rid of everything of mine from his house? he still has my picture on his night stand though. I just dont' get any of this!

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My other thoughts- and I"m sorry I'm posting so much I just need to vent- is if its not that he met someone else - then maybe it is because the whole time we've been dating its been on and off- when we first met I was seeing someone and wouldn't date HIM. so basically we were friends only for the first few years, and even though the whole time he told me he liked me and wanted to be with me, finally we started dating and things were great and after awhile I got tired of him being controlling and demanding all my time so I cooled things off. We were just FWB for awhile and I always kept him at arms length. He acted like he was crazy about me, had to call me every single day, wanted to see me every waking moment but I never gave into that. So he has this woman who is sort of untainable- I'm here but not totally into him, I'm not the least bit controlling or restrictive, I dont' place any demands on him and he has to CHASE me. He is the aggressor the entire time, I'm relaxed, I dont give into his demands, I blow him off once in awhile. Not that I was horrible to him, not at all. I've been very sweet and done some very nice things for him. I've been there for him thru some tough times. I was mainly like this great friend that he deserpately wanted more with but I didn't normally give in. I mean we dated on and off for three years but like I said before- I never gave in totally. Until the last 3 months. I totally let myself fall for him, I gave him everything I had. so I went from this woman who always kept a little bit of distance, that always made him chase her. I was a challenge! Yes, he could go have a one night stand and find some willing female to sleep with him, but getting sex from his own FWB or girlfriend was a challenge! I would just make him make do with "other stuff" (until recently)

 

So I went from being a challenge and making him chase me, always keeping him on his toes to being this (I thought I was doing a great thing) woman who was willing to do everything he always wanted. The woman who had sex with him maybe twice a month started wanting it EVERY Day practically, the woman who hates cooking and maybe cooked for him 3 times the entire time we've known eachother, started making him dinner every night. I went from seeing him maybe 3 or 4 times a week to seeing him every day.

 

So maybe he "won" me over and there was no challenge anymore so he lost interest. Maybe the thrill of the chase was gone so it was time to move on. I have no idea but it was just so abrupt and I feel like I meant nothing to him.

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Well, that's certainly a distinct possibility. But if that's the case then he's a VERY shallow person. If finally "attaining" you & having you do all those great things for him resulted in him becoming bored after a couple of months then he's likely never going to be happy with ANYONE.

 

I know it's way too soon in your hurting over him to take this to heart, but if that's the way he is, then certainly better to find out now rather than a few months into a mistake of a marriage. You know?

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Well i found out- he was seeing someone else- or actually he was talking to someone else- a woman I thought was just a friend- I knew they talked) He started dating her the day after I got most of my stuff out of his house. So thats what the big hurry is. Funny (not for her though) thing is that I saw him two days after he started dating her (I had NO idea he was seeing anyone because he was still leading me on telling me he just needed space and time to think and I asked him if there was anyone else and he always said no.) but two days after he started dating her he slept with me. I went to his house to get the rest of my stuff and he wanted goodbye sex (even though we just had goodbye sex two days before which would have been the day he started dating her) I didn't want to but he wouldnt' give up. He was all over me. Of course I liked the attention. I mean I went from being rejected to him practically begging me to sleep with him and I thougth he was single. after that he told me he wanted more time to think about us and wanted to meet me on wed. for more sex. I said I'd think about it. but i did leave some of my stuff at his house.

 

Well I accidently found out after confiding in the woman I thought was my friend that my bf was confusing me,that I'd gone over on saturday to get my stuff and he was all over me and we had sex. Well she flipped out because SHE was dating him. So after only two days he cheated on HER. Wow way to go.

 

I do take comfort in the fact that he's HER problem now. If he can't even go 2 days without cheating on someone he started dating literally a day after he broke up with me then he definately has problems with commitment/honesty and cant' be trusted. he'll probably just do this to her again and again(not with me but with other women)

 

I dont' feel bad for her becasue I thougth she was my friend and even though he at least had the decency to break up with me before dating her (he didnt' cheat on me) She knew I thought she was my friend and doesn't have any problem dating him. so now she has to deal with him- this guy she thougth was so great- slept with ME after only \dating her two days. I think they are still together. they deserve eachother. I hope she has fun worrying about him cheating on her again. Cause I bet money that he will.

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This guy seriously has issues. Trust me. it was only a matter of time before he directed his anger toward you. Don't try to fix him. Don't try to nail him again to get her back. Rise above it. easier said then done. but they are trash.

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Well Lexi, I'm sorry that you had to find out about his cheating ways the way that you did, but at least it's out in the open now & you can begin to move on & heal from this guy's games. And, again, at least you didn't have to marry him in order to get the low down on what he was really like. That's a huge plus, if nothing else.

 

Though he didn't "technically" cheat on you with this OW ( that you know of ), the fact that he began dating her pretty much immediately after "giving you the boot" indicates rather strongly that he was entertaining thoughts of seeing her while he was with you & probably "working on her" for quite some time beforehand. I say, to hell with him. You're much better off without him.

 

I just feel badly for his little boy who obviously had formed a nice bond with you & you him. But, that only shows that you have a good heart. Hopefully "Mr. Wonderful's" little guy won't be hurt too much by his father's filandering ways.

 

At least his behavior makes sense now. I KNEW there had to someone else in the picture no matter what he'd claimed or how little time he may have had to persue her. One lesson to take away from this ( which I sincerely hope you never have to apply to any of your future relationships, 'cause once is more than enough, but ... ) is that cheaters will ALWAYS find the time & opportunity to cheat if they want to.

 

Sadly, I learned that lesson from my wife's affair with our neighbor. There didn't appear to be either the time or the opportunity with her either. And I didn't consider myself to be neither naive nor blind back in 2002 when it was going on, but what I was was busy being a stay at home dad for four children ( her daughter from a previous marriage, my daughter & son from a previous relationship & our baby daughter ) on top of being housebound & hampered with a blown out knee.

 

So, the two of them had plenty of time to spend together whenever he would choose to visit from next door while she was in our basement ( which only had access from our apartment from the outside ) "doing laundry". :mad:

 

Well, take care kiddo. Feel better. :)

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lexi, as i was reading your posts, i just kept thinking...there must be someone else.

i've learned that most sudden breaks, as yours, are the result of someone new in the picture.

 

maybe he met with you again to compare the two of you before his actual departure.

he said some hurtful things to you...sorry for your pain.

 

i know it seems unreal, but it's good you have learned more about his character before a marriage. i understand that sting of being suddenly disregarded...it was not a very gentlemanly way of carrying out his plans. no apology?

 

it never ceases to amaze me, how disrespectful some can end a relationship..while gazing at greener grass.

 

take care.

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I dont think he cheated on me with her. They really didn't have any time to get together. Even if he did, i don't care now. He did appologize for the sudden break up, said he lied about wanting to be with her because he didn't want to hurt me. THat he wanted to be with someone who was "low maintenance" and that they had more in common (kids) He dated her when she was 14 years old (yeah they slept together even back then) and she was a real head turner back then and a ballet dancer and I think she was "the one who got away" for him. I think he is living in the past thinking of how she used to be. He even said cruel things about her in front of his son when we all met up with her (first time he saw her in 12 years) because she looked nothing like he remembered. WHen we were looking for her, he kept pointing out these really hot skinny blondes thinking they were her and she showed up and was this frumpy, chunky, pale chick with light brown hair. NOTHING like he 'd remembered. He even told her "oh my god I would have never guessed you'd end up looking like this I didn't recognize you."

 

But I think he remembered that emotional bond they had when they were kids and how carefree it was when they dated 12 years ago and maybe that is what drew him to her now. I have no idea. but now that he cheated on her and she is now a needy, angry clingy suspicious girlfriend maybe he will not be happy being with her. I don't want him back. I walked away with my dignity, I didnt' beg him to come back, i didn't take out revenge on him (he did that to himself when he cheated on her with me after only two days- all his doing as I knew nothign about her and when I accidently told her about sleeping with him, it wasn't out of malice, it was because I was confiding in her as a friend- had no idea that he was dating anyone and definately would have NEVER guessed it was her! Oh well they deserve eachother and I hope they enjoy dating and hope she enjoys never forgetting that it only took him two days to hurt her and that he didnt' even care he hurt her. He'll only do the same thing to her (replace her like he did to me) if its one thing I've learned its that people don't change.

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