Teach28 Posted October 3, 2007 Share Posted October 3, 2007 Looks like this site is very friendly and helpful. I'm in the moving on stage but still am wondering what actually went on. I'm 24 female and he is the same age . A little background on him- had 2 previous relationships each were 2-3 years in length. The last one he lived with for over a year until she walked out on him. No explanation or anything. Anyway- we started dating back in May and everything went very well. It was too good to be true- and ended up like that- too good. Within a month and a half into the relationship he- told me he loved me. Well said to me "how do you know you're in love? B/c I'm fooling myself saying I'm falling in love with you- I do love you" and that he had never felt like this about a woman before. We also discussed a future- all that was brought up by him. I of course wanted the same but was a bit hesitant. Then in mid July- he asked how soon would be too soon to propose to me. At this time he also started looking at apartments (we both still lived at home) closer to me. He decided on an apartment about 30mins farther away from his job to be closer to me in hopes that I would move in quickly. I moved in almost right away and everything went well. We picked out all new furniture and everything. We even looked at engagement rings and he spoke to a friend about his fiancee's ring. Hell this guy even asked me several times if we could just go get married at a JP and asked when we could start having kids.Until we started fighting about little things like how to cook dinner and how I didn't want to spend an entire weekend watching football with him. The fighting started to get annoying and on a monday in September (2wks ago) he decided it'd be better if I stayed at home a few nights. This hit me like a ton of bricks and I cried like a baby- funny thing is so did he- told me if he thought this would be the end of us he wouldn't do it. He wanted to stop it from getting worse so we could have a future. So I agreed and that night moved some of my stuff out- he cried tried to walk away from my car came back told me he'd prolly regret this kissed me told me he loved me then watched me leave. This was Monday. A few days passed and we barely talked- he said he needed a step back. Then Thursday I ask why he can't even talk to me and tells me via text message saying he's sorry he thought he wanted a relationship and didn't and is sorry he mis lead me. I was hurt and demanded my stuff but he wanted me to wait till 10pm that night and I was not waiting- he came home early and let me have it. We did not speak I got my stuff and left- wrong on my part but I was confused and hurt. I called about 4 days later and he told me what happened that thurs night( I didn't speak when getting my things and previously called him a sissy in a text msg for refusing to let me have me things- yes childish I know) was the sole reason he was able to move on- he was sorry but it was over and I should move on "please" Haha why be nice and apologize and tell me nicely to move on? I think he's fooling himself but there's not much I can do about that. I'm doing my best to move on b/c I thought I'd spend my life with him and then this all happens. But is this seriously the typical behavior of a male?? I wanna marry you, I'm getting an apartment for us then BAM I'm sorry I don't want a relationship?? I'm just looking for opinions on whether this has happened to someone else-- so I can feel like I'm not the only one being slapped in the face! Thanks!! Link to post Share on other sites
Reactor Posted October 3, 2007 Share Posted October 3, 2007 Well from a male perspective (I don't know if this will make you feel any better) this happened to me as well. Sorry to say but it seems these type of people have maturity and emotional issues. As my ex's mother said to me 'She's a very confused girl.' Sounds like your ex-bf was the same, confused about what he was feeling and instead of being rational he let his emotions rule his head. You can rest assured these people rarely grow up and you're better off without them in your life! I do understand the pain you must be feeling as well as the confusion, all I can say is, try not to think about it as best you can, as long as you get through each day eventually the pain will go away. What I find is these sort of people get lost in the 'game' as it were, then one day you do something wrong or argue with them and it spoils their idea of perfection they had on the relationship. Usually it goes downhill from there in my experience. Don't blame yourself, these people will often shift blame to the person who is 'emotionally stable' and attempt to justify their rash actions and decisions. They often blame the other person for 'ruining their dream' but really all you did was wake them up to reality. Good Luck, Reactor Link to post Share on other sites
joekurtz Posted October 3, 2007 Share Posted October 3, 2007 Wow. That seems awfully strange to me. The only two things that I can think of regarding his sudden change is that he's commitment-phobic & just got cold feet. Or else ( & hate to say this but ... ) he met someone else. Link to post Share on other sites
Bosiell Posted October 3, 2007 Share Posted October 3, 2007 A wow from me to Teach. Find it hard to believe someone could so change from what it seemed being so in love to not wanting a relationship and telling you to move on. I am guy btw, and could never expect my feelings to change so spectactularly I expect this behavior to be more persona as oposed down to gender, but could be wrong. Like Joe has said, he simply (if it ever could be simple!) got cold feet or met someone else. Either way its bull**** for sure, and the guy needs to get real. Sorry for your situation tho, must be very hard. If its any consolation, he simply does not seem worth it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Teach28 Posted October 3, 2007 Author Share Posted October 3, 2007 Thanks so much yeah. I think it was some cold feet. I don't really believe there was anyone else in the picture but you do never know. I'm relieved to hear that you all are shocked by my situation. It is exactly how I felt- like what the He** happened here. He did at one point agree to the fact that he had no idea what he wanted. He use to say about me being so independent and I realized being independent wasn't a bad thing b/c unlike him I know what I want. Link to post Share on other sites
lexi29 Posted October 4, 2007 Share Posted October 4, 2007 Teach28 I so feel your pain. can't say I'm shocked by your situation because practically the same thing just happened to me (see Why is he so mad at me? thread). I have no idea how someone can change their mind so quickly with no warning like that. I had no plans to move in with my bf but as of two weeks ago he was talking about getting engaged and how soon he was going to ask me. Yesterday he told me he no longer wants me in his life. Not really any warning. He too acts like it is my fault. I think what your boyfriend did to you was horrible. I mean you started a life with him (moved in with him) and got used to having him around all the time. Probably let down your walls and got very close to him like I did with my bf. Then he yanked the rug out from under you. I would say in your case it was probably cold feet. There is always the possibility he met someone else but I would go with cold feet. I know everyone will tell you you are better off without him and you should be glad you found out now how he really is. But it doesn't feel like you are better off does it? Hang it there. Link to post Share on other sites
PrincessBOT Posted October 4, 2007 Share Posted October 4, 2007 After my experience (in my thread 29, Coping, but don't think I can ever look at another man) I think it's the level of maturity and life experiences. The crazy thing is sometimes age doesn't matter because they have not experienced enough to get the lessons from life. My ex was 31, but in life experience he may have well been 21. He lived at home, I was his first long-term relationship, he had a job, but no real motivation to pursue a career (I helped him change that). Some things just come with time and it seems like your ex tried to grow up, but got confused along the way. Perhaps he didn't realize that living together brings 2 different lives together and compromise and adjusting is necessary. I want to share with you something I found in my search for answer. It went something like this: Men are happy before they met you, they don't think they need you they want you. They have their family that loves them, their boys to hang out with and watch their sports, and jobs for money. You are added benefits and while everything may not be good all the time, if you cause too much unhappiness in their life they will run. Now I didn't agree with all of that, because it seemed shallow. But based on your ex and mine there may be some truth in it. I think it is a reflection on his level of maturity, not you. Link to post Share on other sites
Bosiell Posted October 4, 2007 Share Posted October 4, 2007 Princess, I can understand in your postition and the way you feel. But please do not give up heart. There are still many great honest genuine guys out there. I have felt many times recently that "women" are just not worth it anymore and nothing will ever be good enough for them. But I cannot allow that thought to dominate me, I know there are some lovely women in this crazy world of ours , and that I have simply been unlucky recently. Link to post Share on other sites
MartianChronicles Posted October 4, 2007 Share Posted October 4, 2007 well, more or less the same happened to me, though it took a month for my ex to go from "i love you and i can't live without you" to "i don't love you anymore and i want this to stop". i was talking to a friend yesterday, and she told me her ex husband was more or less the same: untrustworthy. and i agree with lexi29: everyone will tell you you'll be better off without him, so go and find someone who values you. it's not that easy though, i know. look at me, two months have passed and i'm still stuck here, trying to understand what happened and why Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted October 4, 2007 Share Posted October 4, 2007 It's typical behavior of people (men and women) who dive too deep into a relationship very quickly. They're running off the hormone high of first falling in love and make all these decisions about the future. Then they wake up and realize that they've gone way too far and they're not at all ready - and they blame their partner because they would never consider blaming themselves for anything! They imagine their partner is at fault for - as in your case, not cooking dinner right or whatever. It never occurs to them that long lasting relationship require compromise, communication, and working through issues. They imagine that's it's all going to be as hearts and flowers as it was the first month, and then are shocked to find out a relationship requires work, and that forever is a very long time. It's an immature love, if it's even love. I think of it more as infatuation. When their partner turns out to be human rather than the fantasy they had in their heads, they get disillusioned quickly and run away as fast as they dove in. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Teach28 Posted October 4, 2007 Author Share Posted October 4, 2007 I definitely agree with everyone!! He did not realize that a relationship would be work. He honestly went from I love you to I don't want to be in a relationship within a 2 day term. I even mentioned one time if he had never been in a relationship where they fought? Because he automatically assummed our fighting was our down fall- um yeah sure it would be if it was about something substantial but cooking dinner the correct way and football seem very trivial. It does seem to me that he didn't realize that their is compromise involved in living with someone, which I find weird though because he lived with his last ex for over a year till she up and left- but he also said they had very little communication. They also were living together in a totally different state that where they were from. Thing is he never told me he didn't love me- On Monday prior to this all going down he said he loved me then when I texted him and said maybe if you told me you loved me Id feel better about the situation- and he said I do love you... But on Thursday love was never mentioned- I even said he needed to tell me he didnt love me so I could move on and he never said it. Hell he broke it off with me via a text message! So what does that tell ya!! I'm glad there are people in a similar situation!! Link to post Share on other sites
MartianChronicles Posted October 4, 2007 Share Posted October 4, 2007 Hell he broke it off with me via a text message! So what does that tell ya!! he's a coward I'm glad there are people in a similar situation!! welcome to the club, dear have a drink? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Teach28 Posted October 5, 2007 Author Share Posted October 5, 2007 Haha yeah pass me a drink please!! Link to post Share on other sites
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