Anxiety Remedies?

[Msblueyes]

Anyone went and got professional help for the anxiety of a possible break-up? And if so, did it help?

 

I know the usual, cry then get out of the house & back in the world, but I"m in limbo (or at least that's how my heart feels) and I'm unsure of how to handle my anxiety.

 

My boyfriend says everything will be fine but then why am I so anxious?

[Spinderella]

Often anxiety happens when we are not in alignment in ourselves. Like if intuition and thought are in battle, or if we are resisting a situation we are in, or trying to supress some emotion. Sometimes it happens during change, but usually only if you are trying to resist change on some level.

Or it can happen after a period of stress during which we have functioned on autopilot and have not been aware of the stress we felt under.

 

Its good to try to find the source of the anxiety and target that. Theres nothing wrong with trying to get professional help with this, in the form of therapy or something. I wouldnt recommend using meds though, I think often when people do that without finding the source of the stress they just supress something neccessary.

 

Of course some people would thoroughly recommend meds to take the edge off during stressful times, so this is just my opinion.

[JamesM]

Anyone went and got professional help for the anxiety of a possible break-up? And if so, did it help?

 

Could you elaborate on this? Does this mean that you worry that your boyfriend will leave you? What is your inward reasoning?

 

Usually, we are worried about possible breakups because...we have a good reason, or we have past issues that cause us to be anxious. Has your boyfriend done anything that makes you wonder if he will leave you? Has someone in the past left you?

 

The quick response most of us have is to swallow a pill. In some cases, this may work, but in many cases, the best solution is to talk about the reasons for the anxiety and resolve them. Having dealt with anxiety on occasion, I have found that the best remedy is to face the anxiety head on and discover why I have it.

 

Taking a pill in many cases is our way of avoiding a confrintatin with our inward selves.

[Msblueyes]

Could you elaborate on this? Does this mean that you worry that your boyfriend will leave you? What is your inward reasoning?

 

Usually, we are worried about possible breakups because...we have a good reason, or we have past issues that cause us to be anxious. Has your boyfriend done anything that makes you wonder if he will leave you? Has someone in the past left you?

 

The quick response most of us have is to swallow a pill. In some cases, this may work, but in many cases, the best solution is to talk about the reasons for the anxiety and resolve them. Having dealt with anxiety on occasion, I have found that the best remedy is to face the anxiety head on and discover why I have it.

 

Taking a pill in many cases is our way of avoiding a confrintatin with our inward selves.

 

In the pas two weeks, he's hit on two of my friends, we haven't had sex since the end of July and things are not right. We had a fight over it, I told him to leave, he's back since Monday night & just told me, we'll see how things go...so I don't know if that means he's just waiting for the right time to leave. We've been together over seven years, through many things & I've always been there for him. I just feel like a stepping stone. I"m not confused. I know I love him, but I feel he's not coming out with everything or else he's just as confused. If he needs space to figure it out, that's fine, but then, he might come back after sowing some oats just because I'm still the best thing at the time?. He does tell me he loves me but I don't get the physical attention. I'm almost to the point of thinking that the hitting on girls thing is an ego trip for him (they both turned him away). How can a man lay next to woman in the same bed & not get aroused? I'm not bad looking, have a nice body, I'm smart & my friends all adore me. If he's so not into me, why be with me?

 

I was married for a little over ten years & my x ad an affair and I divorced him. My boyfriend knows how I feel about infidelity.

[Spinderella]

I don't think you are interested in what I have to say but I will say it anyway.

Everything you have said about your bf, sounds like he is completely immature and irresponsible. It really does sound as though he has you in a kind of mother role, you look after him financially, and in most ways by the sounds of things. He doesnt like you to have a wild side, have a few drinks, youre supposed to be in control and taking care of him. If you do let your hair down, look what happens, he starts misbehaving! Perhaps that is why there is a lack of physical intimacy in the relationship. He just does not seem to see you in the role of girlfriend.

Even if this were the case, hitting on your friends! Thats just very insensitive.

I understand that you love him, but this relationship sounds completely dead. I think you should get yourself something better, or at least have a good talk to him about the physical side of your relationship. It sounds as though you are scared to talk to him for fear of pushing him away.

I could be wrong of course, its just the way I see it based on what you have said.

[whichwayisup]

In the pas two weeks, he's hit on two of my friends, we haven't had sex since the end of July and things are not right. We had a fight over it, I told him to leave, he's back since Monday night & just told me, we'll see how things go...

 

I can see why you're having anxiety.

 

Do some yoga, deep breathing and write out your thoughts. Paper and pen - Anytime you feel anxious, write down exactly what you're feeling and why.

 

Not knowing what is going to happen creates alot of negative feelings, fears and anxiousness. You have no control over this situation and what your boyfriend does or doesn't do.

[Msblueyes]

I don't think you are interested in what I have to say but I will say it anyway.

Everything you have said about your bf, sounds like he is completely immature and irresponsible. It really does sound as though he has you in a kind of mother role, you look after him financially, and in most ways by the sounds of things. He doesnt like you to have a wild side, have a few drinks, youre supposed to be in control and taking care of him. If you do let your hair down, look what happens, he starts misbehaving! Perhaps that is why there is a lack of physical intimacy in the relationship. He just does not seem to see you in the role of girlfriend.

Even if this were the case, hitting on your friends! Thats just very insensitive.

I understand that you love him, but this relationship sounds completely dead. I think you should get yourself something better, or at least have a good talk to him about the physical side of your relationship. It sounds as though you are scared to talk to him for fear of pushing him away.

I could be wrong of course, its just the way I see it based on what you have said.

 

You are right on. If it's dead, it's not for lack of me trying but trying the wrong way. I'd like to talk to him about the sex. He has said, "when you're drunk, I'm not physically attracted to you." That hurts, especially when, there have been plenty of more opportunities for he & I to be intimate that do not involve alcohol. So I don't really buy that one, I look it as an excuse for me to get drunk because he's not being honest & intimate. Or, it's a control thing. He can do this, that & the other, but I can't. His dad was an alcoholic/addict & his mom wasn't. They're still together but the only thing I can think of is something happened in childhood. I don't want to play shrink or mother. I'm too old & I have two children. I didn't want him to be a third. He's leaned on me & I've helped him through everything. Quite possibly, after doing some reading on the net, he's falling into those catagories of men that women should stay away from. Guys that are addicts, emotional clingers..that kind of thing. Or, because everythings fresh & exciting now that he's out of rehab, I'm not. Maybe I stand for too much morality and always have. I don't know. Almost tired of second guessing at this point. I think the talk about sex is the best idea at this point.

[VIP]

He's leaned on me & I've helped him through everything

 

It's clear that you love him and did a lot for him. But what did he do for you? What is he doing for you now? Talk is cheap, you should judge him by his actions. And if he doesn't do anything for you, you won't be happy in this relationship, even if you love him.

[Msblueyes]

It's clear that you love him and did a lot for him. But what did he do for you? What is he doing for you now? Talk is cheap, you should judge him by his actions. And if he doesn't do anything for you, you won't be happy in this relationship, even if you love him.

 

Basically, screwed up my life, that's what he's done. But I was tagging along & playing with him when bad things happened. He continued to stay but friends said it was guilt for screwing me up...or he does love me as much as he says but he's still immature about how to handle things.

 

I'm thinking I'm getting stupider except for having that, I have to see it to the end with my own eyes attitude. Dumb me. (I hope I'm anxious over nothing & these are just my freakin' unsettled feelings).

[VIP]

He continued to stay but friends said it was guilt for screwing me up...or he does love me as much as he says but he's still immature about how to handle things.

 

I could be wrong, but it looks like he continued to stay, because it was convenient for him. And at the age of 40 immaturity can not be an excuse for him. You seem to try to find excuses for his behaviour, and it would be better to take it at face value. If you understand that he screwed up your life, then you understand that the relationship is not good and it's unlikely to change for the better.

[Curious139]

You are possibly self-medicating already with alcohol. Try not to drink or set a limit of two glasses. It might seem hard at first but it will help in the long term. Alcohol is insidious and affects you in many ways.

 

The best way to address your anxiety is to have a frank open discussion with him. If your sexlife has disappeared it suggests he is moving away from the relationship. That is hard for you to come to terms with but the way things are, you could still be in the same situation in 6 months and sicker still.

 

It might be better that both of you talk to a relationship counsellor to get things out in the open. Hitting on your friends is completely unacceptable.

[bloodaye]

all i can say is my ex was a heavy drinker,she wuld b the most affectionate when she was hammered,and from a guys perspective,that is the most unattractive thing,i wuld just push her off me,its so disgusting,i mean u have to b hammered to b intimate?Nothing wrong with picking up some drunk skank in a bar and plowing her,but ur own GF acting like this?Im not saying that u r a drunk but the situation sounds similar,some people NEED more then others,always one needs more then the other,so when u r drunk and going out with ur girlfriends and coming home hammered,whats the first thought that goes thru his head?What the **** was she doing at the bar?Just my personal opinon,i know how easy women r when they drink,its like taking candy from a baby.

[ijustwannago]

hey you hope you are doing ok. i was wondering if you have a history of anxiety? i found this great place online. everyone there is very nice and helpful..

please come by and check it out...

 

http://dailystrength.org/index.php?option=com_mtree&task=viewlink&link_id=119

 

hope to see you.

[ijustwannago]

I can see why you're having anxiety.

 

Do some yoga, deep breathing and write out your thoughts. Paper and pen - Anytime you feel anxious, write down exactly what you're feeling and why.

 

Not knowing what is going to happen creates alot of negative feelings, fears and anxiousness. You have no control over this situation and what your boyfriend does or doesn't do.

 

 

wow Which that is soooo true!

[Spinderella]

Nothing wrong with picking up some drunk skank in a bar and plowing her,but ur own GF acting like this?Im not saying that u r a drunk but the situation sounds similar,some people NEED more then others,always one needs more then the other,so when u r drunk and going out with ur girlfriends and coming home hammered,whats the first thought that goes thru his head?What the **** was she doing at the bar?Just my personal opinon,i know how easy women r when they drink,its like taking candy from a baby.

 

I think thats what you call "taking advantage", and there is ALOT wrong with it.

[Spinderella]

Basically, screwed up my life, that's what he's done. But I was tagging along & playing with him when bad things happened. He continued to stay but friends said it was guilt for screwing me up...or he does love me as much as he says but he's still immature about how to handle things.

 

I'm thinking I'm getting stupider except for having that, I have to see it to the end with my own eyes attitude. Dumb me. (I hope I'm anxious over nothing & these are just my freakin' unsettled feelings).

 

Do you know what I think the problem may be.

I think its likely he feels emasculated. You look after him, you provide for him, everything...

I know many men who have left relationships with women who had good jobs whilst they were unemployed.

It sounds also that he has become dependent on you, and is confused about his own role with you.

Start being a woman with him, and letting him be a man.

Maybe its not too late for you.

[bloodaye]

im sry maybe i shuldnt have posted that,i was in a messed up mood,my apologies.

[Msblueyes]

all i can say is my ex was a heavy drinker,she wuld b the most affectionate when she was hammered,and from a guys perspective,that is the most unattractive thing,i wuld just push her off me,its so disgusting,i mean u have to b hammered to b intimate?Nothing wrong with picking up some drunk skank in a bar and plowing her,but ur own GF acting like this?Im not saying that u r a drunk but the situation sounds similar,some people NEED more then others,always one needs more then the other,so when u r drunk and going out with ur girlfriends and coming home hammered,whats the first thought that goes thru his head?What the **** was she doing at the bar?Just my personal opinon,i know how easy women r when they drink,its like taking candy from a baby.

 

All I can say regarding the alcohol is we were both out together. However, he knows me to a T and saw something happening (maybe our past issues of his drug use haunting him) and he dissacociates from me. I thought we were having "fun" together while drinking.

 

I understand he has a problem with this and I am going to change my drinking habits, not just for him, but me first.

 

Last night he wanted to get a six pack and we did go to the store but decided we didn't want the beer.

 

I'm not an alcoholic, but I have been self medicating with the alcohol so I do know where I'm at with it and it hasn't been good medication.

[Msblueyes]

Do you know what I think the problem may be.

I think its likely he feels emasculated. You look after him, you provide for him, everything...

I know many men who have left relationships with women who had good jobs whilst they were unemployed.

It sounds also that he has become dependent on you, and is confused about his own role with you.

Start being a woman with him, and letting him be a man.

Maybe its not too late for you.

 

Again, you are most likely right on. He has been dependent on me in the past and I know that bothers him. He has a good job now and is very happy to work. He said last night that now that there's no drugs in his life, looking at me, our being together can't be that hard...I thought he mayb be confused too. I still think the hitting on girls is an ego thing, but he took, what he considered to be "nothing big" and forgot about how I feel.

 

He still thinks my place is too small and wants his own place. This is not a totally bad thing, really, for either of us. It's easier to share rent, but he needs an opportunity to be on his own as well. It might give a bit more insight to how good I really am for him, letting him find his way. His moving out might take a while, and in that time, he may well see my own self improvement. I had originally got my place in spring while he was away. We were apart for 90 days while he did his rehab. He's just said, even, again last night, it's allright, we've been through worse, I'm not going anywhere...he may not even want to leave, providing my behavior improves (which it will).

 

I can let him be the man, but I hope I haven't forgot how to be a woman.

[Msblueyes]

im sry maybe i shuldnt have posted that,i was in a messed up mood,my apologies.

 

Not a problem, I totally understand. Boyfriends do not want to see their girls looking like toast. I got it.

[Msblueyes]

I could be wrong, but it looks like he continued to stay, because it was convenient for him. And at the age of 40 immaturity can not be an excuse for him. You seem to try to find excuses for his behaviour, and it would be better to take it at face value. If you understand that he screwed up your life, then you understand that the relationship is not good and it's unlikely to change for the better.

 

He wasn't alone in the screw up and he has taken actions to improve. I'm hoping that it will work out with both of us communicating better and if he needs his own place, that will hopefully give him the ability to demonstrate more responsibility (i.e. landlords don't wait for rent like the girlfriend that does till the next week). If that's what needs to happen, he said he doesn't want to break up but just not live together, possibly.

[Msblueyes]

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wow Which that is soooo true!

 

Thanks, I saved the link. I took off from the gym this week due to my innability to want to get up (except had to go to work).

 

I will start back at the gym tomorrow or Saturday/Monday. I really don't like to do weekends because I fee that's my time, but in this case, it might be best to do it. ;)I go early before work, put my headset on with my music & do 45-60 min. of cardio. It totally destresses me & I find I feel more relaxed about my day no matter what. I just couldn't go feeling so mixed up.

[Spinderella]

Hope it all works out for the best Msblueyes, I must say, despite feeling anxious you seem to handle things in a very calm manner.

[Msblueyes]

Hope it all works out for the best Msblueyes, I must say, despite feeling anxious you seem to handle things in a very calm manner.

 

Inside my guts are twisted, but I have to settle down or I won't be able to focus on anything.

 

Have you ever heard the "I'm so smart, I'm stupid" that's me.

 

I know I have to let things go and whatever will be will. If the love is there, it's not going away.

 

We each were wrong in our own ways. I just got to thinking too much about everything and I know I let my self explode. He's more calm than I am usually. He just doesn't want to think I"m going to throw him out with no where to go. And, in my anger, I triggered the our past.

 

By showing him a responsible me, I will get a responsible him.

 

[Reactor]

I went through this kind of thing with my ex-gf.

 

For a while it was great, then she didn't want the relationship anymore but instead of being strong and ending it (she tried, but couldn't) she did the opposite. She kept rediculing me, saying I wasn't good enough and that I didn't meet her standards. I was going through alot of stress at the time as well, so I changed, I got clingy and was constantly worried about our relationship.

 

This wasn't healthy, I wasn't sleeping well, I was constantly agitated and felt demeaned. Like anything I did wasn't good enough for her and any time I tried to show affection she thought I was after something. It was a nightmare and honestly not something I had planned for my first proper relationship.

 

Anyway, you sound like a smart girl, so I think you already know your path. But I will say, don't put up with crap for too long, its not healthy. If you think you've made mistakes then yes, attempt to correct them. If hes made mistakes tell him. But don't, I repeat don't, take it all onto your shoulders, a relationship is a two way thing, he has to give as well!

 

Good Luck,

Reactor