Jump to content

Post Here if You it ended for no reason


Recommended Posts

I wanted to get other people to post here on their experiences with their ex that ended for no apparant reason. No cheating, abuse, jealousy, possessivness, etc. I am talking about a good, honest relationship that ended out of the blue due to personal issues from one or the other. Where for whatever reason, you had to part ways.

 

I see a lot of advice on how to go NC and to forget the ex. But I am having a hard time finding other people who have had this happen to them where things ended amicably and there is a good possibility of reconciling down the road.

 

How do you go about doing this? Just wanted to get others stories about this on a separate thread (I know of a couple floating around in some other places).

Link to post
Share on other sites

Well, I think that my last breakup may qualify to the "ending for...'personal' issues". I dated a guy for close to 9 months, and thought that things were going along just fine when it turned out that we just didn't want the same thing. I wanted a serious relationship with him, and he just wanted to be by himself. After doing some reflecting, I think that he found himself running after love a few too many times in the past, and finding that he lost a part of himself while trying to find it. Now, he was trying to retrieve it.

 

The break up itself was pretty cordial, and I found myself suprizingly, not taking it all that hard. Although I couldn't understand the situation fully, I didn't feel slighted or betrayed at all. I think it was just a case where we had just met each other at the wrong time. I walked away from it feeling that I had learned something about myself, that will hopefully make me a little wiser when entering another relationship.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Alexandra-Girl

My last break-up was due to my on going educational goals. He stuck through it during my undergraduate, but when I told him I was going to continue on to my Masters immediately, he simply couldn't handle feeling second fiddle to my education any longer - which in the end would have enhanced both our lives if we had stayed together. I'm still shocked to this day that a 30 year old man couldn't wrap his head around the end result. I was willing to finance him and pay our bills if he wished to pursue post-secondary schooling since he had no educational experience himself.

 

He may view me as selfish in pursuing my own goals now, but they were and will always be a honorable selfishness in my eyes.

 

I will not revisit a relationship with him because, in my eyes, he didn't want me to be the best that I could be vis-a-vis meeting my ambitions.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Alexandra-Girl

We continued to see eachother while I was in University. There were no rifts at this time. Things were smooth and I honestly only ever saw him as my future. It was not until I was back at home with him when he began to change. He started feeling that we needed to become more serious, i.e. me molding into a traditional housewife in his eyes.

 

I haven't spent thousands of dollars on two degrees, and a Masters degree to become a housewife who does not work and picks up after my man (aka son). I want a partnership where we both take the load. He cooks, I cook. I clean, he cleans. I do laundry, he does laundry. If he wanted a mother, he was looking at the wrong woman and soon found that out.

 

The bottom line, he was waiting for me to PICK. Never give someone an ultimatum - it only pushes them away and there is NO boomberang that brings them back because resentment fosters AFTER we see the tress through the fog.

Link to post
Share on other sites

OK, I came here looking for I don't know what and first thread I see is this NiceGuy's.

 

This just happened to me on Wednesday! From out of nowhere, my boyfriend broke up with me. He's not seeing anyone else. This is pretty much how the conversation went.

 

You're so happy. I don't love you and I'm getting angrier and angrier at myself and I can't stand it. I'm happy when I'm with you and it's fun being with you but later I wind up hating myself. I think it's wrong to be so happy with someone I'm not in love with and I'm not in love with you. I don't think we can see each other any more.

 

And then silence. I didn't know what to say. We've been so blissed being together. He even said it too! But then this crazy-making phonecall and suddenly we're broken up. He was crying when I hung up.

 

I just don't get it.

Carrot

Link to post
Share on other sites

Well, I had something similar happen to me, Carrotgirl. My ex suddenly told me that he didn't love me and never really did and he hated himself for not loving me. I love him of course, and we were going out for a year and a half! He also said that he cared about me, but it wasn't love. So, I guess that's why we broke up- he didn't love me and it wasn't fair to me. Kind of weird, but that's the way it went.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Ashbash, I don't know what any of this means. My guy just told me again me tonight how incredibly happy he was being together with me last weekend and how that really was the truth but then it changed two days later.

 

Maybe someone will enlighten me.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

carrotgirl, read through some of my posts on here. My ex told me at one point that she needs to spread her wings so she doesnt "resent" me down the road. For some people, when things get "too good" they freak out because their thinking "oh my God, this is the one." Thats when some people run. They suddenly start to think that they may miss out on whats out there. And that is exactly what I think happened with us. So after LOTS of crying and talking, it was decided that yes, she does want to have a family, future with me, etc. but she needs to spread her wings and see the world for what it is and really REALIZE in her own mind what she has.

 

I think that we need a little more details here. Stuff like this happens for a reason. Committment issues, other people, changing persons, etc. The best advice I can give anyone is to be OPEN and HONEST with each other. Our "breakup" took almost 3 weeks. We sat and had a couple long and emotional conversations before we both kind of came to an understanding of where we both stood.

 

I now am trying to cope with the fact that we are gone. But since we both talked and ended things amicably as their was no reason for our breakup I feel as though this was really the right thing to do at this time.

 

I hope you find some comfort on these boards. There is A LOT of people on here that are feeling the same emotions as you. Talking to friends, family, etc. is good, but here you can spill your heart and since nobody knows you, you get pretty honest and straightforward answers from others experiencing the same as you.

Link to post
Share on other sites

NiceGuy Awwww! You really are a nice guy!

 

I posted pretty much what happened on another thread http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t130103/ It was very sudden. We're talking here and there. We talked a while last night. He was just hanging out at home watching the cars go by.

 

One of the things that's confusing for me was when he said that he was really happy when he was with me and he loves having fun with me but he thinks he'd be happier if he was in love and he wants to be in love. He said he thinks some kinds of happiness are better than others.

 

I don't share that opinion. I like all that in love shivery stuff but I think it comes and goes at the speed of life. I think happy is happy and it's pretty great to be happy and be able to share being happy with someone. We had that but he wants to be happy-PLUS? I don't know how to feel about that.

 

Does anyone else share this feeling that there are different kinds of happy that are better than others?

Link to post
Share on other sites

I didn't end the relationship, my exbf did but it ended for no reason other than finacial issues.

 

We lived together in a house we bought for 2 1/2 years. Just this June he said that he can't do it anymore and it wasn't fair to me to put me throught this finacial burdon. His credit card bills became overwhelming and he couldn't pay them on time and the mortgage was falling behind.

 

So he ended the relationship because he said he needed to grow up and take care of his finacial problems himself. It had nothing to do with space, freedom, or someone else.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

See. Thats the problem. It blows me away that people say how they want this and that and that the world is full of evil and bad things, but yet when we find happiness and love, they cant see it for what it is. Its like its too good to be true. Thats why they run and say "Wait a minute, if this is it, I gotta make sure!"

 

To me, there is only one kind of happiness. One inside yourself and in the person you love whom loves you back. That is happiness. People of today have lost touch with what true happiness is. Its so foreign to the world that people dont know how to hold onto it once they have it. So no. There are no levels of happiness I think. If you love someone deeply, why question it? Your just denying yourself. Its sad that he doesnt share that sentiment with you. Tell him how you feel and tell him nothing else really matters. If you are happy together why ask for something else?

Link to post
Share on other sites

The truth is that relationships don't just end for no reason. The reason why they end is because one no longer loves the other person enough to stay in the relationship. It's that simple.

Link to post
Share on other sites
For some people, when things get "too good" they freak out because their thinking "oh my God, this is the one." Thats when some people run. They suddenly start to think that they may miss out on whats out there. And that is exactly what I think happened with us. So after LOTS of crying and talking, it was decided that yes, she does want to have a family, future with me, etc. but she needs to spread her wings and see the world for what it is and really REALIZE in her own mind what she has.

 

I think that we need a little more details here. Stuff like this happens for a reason. Committment issues, other people, changing persons, etc. The best advice I can give anyone is to be OPEN and HONEST with each other.

 

This resonates in my case, perhaps, although I really don't know the real reason. You can read my post under Second Chances for details. My ex of 3 months broke up with me 3 weeks ago, saying he didn't feel "comfortable" amongst other things (although he had told me just a couple of weeks earlier how comfortable and relaxed he felt with me). I know 3 months is not a long time but we had 2-3 months of major attraction prior to that, and the relationship was intense and exciting. I had no indication of the coming end, although I did feel some slight distancing behavior from him in the few days prior. I have done strict NC although we work together so I see him once a week and I'm cordial and friendly to him and act "as if" nothing happened. We have not had a sit down talk since...one short phone conversation where he expressed his guilt, hopes we can be friends and that he thinks I'm a "fine person". Two days ago I received a very nervous, urgent sounding voicemail in which he stammers, uhs, and ums throughout (he's a very articulate guy usually) that he wants VERY much to "retain me as a friend" and wants to grab a drink, "sit down and chat" and he would REALLY appreciate being able to do this. I still have not returned the call. I don't want to be rejected again to my face when he reportedly wants to tell me again that he just wants to be "friends". Why does he want to sit me down and tell me this AGAIN? I have to see him tonight and I'm not sure how to handle this. We won't get any time alone tonight at our rehearsal, most likely.

 

It is very hard to understand but I do not live in his head. I can only take care of myself. But my fear is that this could be my "second chance" in disguise....and it might behoove me to hear him out. Or it could be he remains laden with guilt. Again, pure speculation.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
The truth is that relationships don't just end for no reason. The reason why they end is because one no longer loves the other person enough to stay in the relationship. It's that simple.

 

I dont think its about not loving the other person enough. You love them or you dont. Relationships end for all kinds of reasons. I think minus all the negatives (abuse, jealousy, possessiveness, cheating, etc) they end because a lot of people just don't know what its like to have a good, solid relationship and recognize it for what it is. When it gets a little tough they make snap decisions. Only then does time apart from each other test to see if it could really work out.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I guess that's what has me confused about why this is happening.

 

Happiness is so often a past tense thing like I was happy, usually marked by the presence of unhappiness, like I'm not happy now. He's saying I'm happy with you but it's not the kind of happiness I want? Since when is being happy a bad thing EVER?

 

So now what? Whether he's really happy with me or not he's managing for himself how much of his life he wants to share with me right now. What am I supposed to do with that?

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Let him then. As much as you care for him, only HE can decide what to do and how much he is willing to invest himself with you. Have you asked him why he limiting himself on his happiness? You need to dig down and find the root of his problem. Let him do the talking. Stay silent and the possibility of him opening up and revealing what is really bothering him goes up tremendously.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I dont think its about not loving the other person enough. You love them or you dont. Relationships end for all kinds of reasons. I think minus all the negatives (abuse, jealousy, possessiveness, cheating, etc) they end because a lot of people just don't know what its like to have a good, solid relationship and recognize it for what it is. When it gets a little tough they make snap decisions. Only then does time apart from each other test to see if it could really work out.

 

That sounds about right for me.

 

I don't hear him rejecting me despite the awful proclamation of I don't love you. His saying it is the exact opposite of what he shows and does. He is showing me caring at the same time he is saying he doesn't feel it and that's what's crazy-making for me.

 

What I feel like is like I'm being managed! Like this is him exerting some time management and preemptive damage control. He's not saying go away from me. He changed the rules of engagement and now he's seeing what I'll do.

 

And I'm just flailing.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Sigh, that happened to me about 11 weeks ago. We were fine the night before, then the next day during dinner, I noticed she had a sad face. So i talked to her after dinner in the car at the parking lot of the restaurant. Neither of us knew which direction it was going, but all of a sudden, it felt like instantly, we were taking a break, and we didn't see it coming... My situation is like Niceguy's, no cheating, no fights, no jealousy or being possessive. It was just BAM!, and there we were. We still don't know how that happened, because neither had the intention going into the talk. She needs to figure herself out, see if this is what she wants in life. She didn't want to break up, just take a break. She says she loves me, but it's more a lack of excitement. Couples go through that after the honeymoon phase is over for the relationship. But lack of excitement, in my opinion is not the end of the world, it just has to be found again, maybe by starting over after some time. It's not like someone saying "I don't love you anymore", so I guess I just have to be patient. But then, I could be wrong.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Hero, that sounds so familiar except for the physical heat part. We have tons of passion. It's awesome! And again, it makes this that much more confusing.

 

He can't keep himself from touching me. We're always touching somewhere and just last Sunday he was going on about how we fit together so perfectly. And I feel the same way right back too!

 

Then like you said bam! Two days later he said he doesn't love me and he hates himself for having passion and laughs and good times and said it's wrong to enjoy all that when he isn't in love with me.

 

Why does a guy do that?

Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi Carrot, it wasn't a physical heat that I was talking about. I was merely talking about the "I love you, but I don't feel in-love with you" situation. She wants a little more to happen. Going to new restaurants, doing new things, etc. It was hard, since I started a new job and I got lost in the cycle of work days recently. I used to be freelance. She said that she was unhappy around January, which was when I got the job. I just got tired at the end of the day, and by the weekend, I didn't think of it, but I wasn't putting much effort into setting up an exciting fun weekend, we ended up watching a movie, going to dinner, hanging out with friends, maybe going karaoke. And I get where she's coming from. I didn't notice it happening until I look back now and I acknowledged it and apologized for it. I wanted to get things moving, because I wanted to move forward with her. Little did I know that I stopped making it exciting for the both of us... To my defense though, she is stressed from her job, so she didn't really try to think up anything new as well, I guess that's my job too, as the guy in the relationship. If I got another chance, things would be different, and if anything, I got a wake up call from all this...

Link to post
Share on other sites

The owner of my company just told me he named me as co-author of a really important paper we're publishing! I'm so excited I e-mailed my ex to tell him. Think that's going to be a problem?

Link to post
Share on other sites

Hey Carrot, no worries. As far as the article, I wouldn't even bother to tell him right now. You could, but know that it would not do anything for your situation. You'll probably just get a "Oh, that's great! I'm happy for you." Your ex is too self involved right now to really do anything other than a pat on the back that you may be asking for. I understand that it would be an opening to speak to him, but you should really let yourself get a clear head and not have contact, you can always tell him later. Right now, you should be working on yourself.

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...