What Do I DO?

[101NEO]

ok so there's a very long story that i'm going to make very short.

 

I have been very close friends with my ex for about 7 years. Of that seven years we dated for 5 and were engaged for 2. We got into a BIG fight and split up about 2 months ago.

 

I chased her just about every day trying to work things out and she wasn't having it.

 

after time and time of failed tries i gave up.

 

now i wouldn't love anything more than for us to get back together and figure out our differences. only problem is that something has changed in me since she's been gone. i still love her but i'm finding myself pulling away from her more and more. some days are better than others but i've pulled back quite a bit.

 

now that i'm starting to not talk to her so much if even at all she's calling, texting, and instant messaging more than i was used to even when we were together.

 

she's supposed to come over tomorrow and we're supposed to talk about some things. i want her and i to get back together but i don't want to smother her with it anymore.

 

what do i do? do i talk about it? not unless she brings it up? if she does bring it up, how much do i let her know?

 

I feel retarded asking everyone here because only i know what's good for me but a little of others' life experiences may help shed some light on it.

[Cobra_X30]

Do not under any circumstances act needy, its going to turn her off in a big way. Act like your interested but dont really care that much. Its a tough line to walk, but it has never failed for me. You should think long and hard about whether you actually want her back or not.

[101NEO]

well anyway you look at it i'll update this thread after we talk. and you aren't lying, keeping your distance and keeping that poker face on is extremely hard to do.

 

she just sent me a bunch more messages asking me if i'm moving on and i didn't want to answer them because for me it all depends on how tomorrow goes.

 

here's an example:

 

me: and why do you say mean things like "if youre moving on then what's the point of meeting"

Her: how is that mean

Her: talking = platform to possibly working things out

Her: if youre dating, why would i we do that

Her: scratch the i

Me: um...

Me: maybe because you don't want me to be with anyone else and you might try to do what you can b4 it's too late...

Me: that would be my reason

Her: and put myself through the possibility of you not having it

Her: hell no

[veronica12]

Your ex feels you withdrawing and moving on.She appears to be playing games.In my opinion,she wants to know she still has ties to you.If your relationship didn't work during the years you tried,it isn't going to work going forward.Be the strong one and cut her loose.She will probably try even harder to get you back.Just remember, everyone shows you their true colors.You know who she is and what she is capable of giving to you.You were so close to moving on.It's not too late.Good luck.Keep us posted.

[101NEO]

veronica,

 

our relationship did work through the years and quite well. it as amazing. and she agrees. there's a reason it lasted so long. we loved it.

 

we just allowed way too much little stuff pile up without talking about it when it was an issue. and now the storm came and pushed us apart. the relationship in my opinion still isn't over for either of us. we just need to sit down and talk about how to iron out the details of what is is that we need to do to get thing back to a functioning state.

[brockdarock]

Hey 101NEO,

 

I've gone through a silimlar experience, except not quite as long. BUT, I'll tell you one thing...you can't hide insecurity in front of her. A woman will instantly sniff that out and just "feel" the tension when she's around you.

 

I sense a little insecurity about your relationship...even though sometimes its flourished and other times you two have gone your separate ways. Here's my suggestions:

 

"only problem is that something has changed in me since she's been gone." - Read that sentence again and realize what your gut instinct is telling you. Sometimes, as hard as it may be to believe, people evolve and grow as a person and find that they aren't attracted to the same person anymore. I've experienced this firsthand.

 

"we just need to sit down and talk about how to iron out the details" - OK, so I can tell you still have feelings for this woman. Actually sit down and do this with her. Don't always push it off for a later date or try to do it on the phone. Just sit down and talk with her. Like I said before, you may find out that you're not really attracted to her anymore. This is OK, as long as you just accept the fact and move on. I know you've heard it time and time again, but don't get hung up on just "one" girl. Go out and meet some other women. In all honesty, if she really likes you, she will pursure you even more.

 

Hope this helps! Post any more questions or details that you have.

 

Brock

[101NEO]

ok so we decided to reschedule this talk we were supposed to have. just ended up being a crappy day for the both of us and i personally didn't want anything to cloud the conversation.

 

brockdarock i appreciate the feedback.

 

maybe i wasn't being clear enough when i said something has changed. what has changed in me more than anything is the desire to chase her because at times i feel like it's a waste of time. I DO NOT want to be with anyone else. she's perfect for me, she just needs to grow up a little when it comes to relationships. am i willing to work on that with her, of course i am. i very much love her and care about her.

 

as far as attraction. i'm extremely attracted to her. and it's not just the fact that she's a 10 maybe even a 12 on some days. it's her personality and the woman i have grown to love. she and i have so much in common it sometimes makes our friends sick. we love the same things, have the same goals, and are very compatible in almost every way. only places we aren't compatible basically comes down to each of our up-bringing. i was raised in a family where my parents wanted us to know how to deal with conflict, so the my parents fought in front of us. not all then time, but enough to expose us to it so we know how to handle it. she was brought up in the exact opposite. no fighting or arguing in front of the children. so now when we have disagreements or fights, she bottles it up and doesn't talk about it. then when the bottle gets too full it explodes and here we are. she does this with everyone not just me. she can't handle people being mad at her.

 

this isn't the first time it's happened. this is just the first time this has gone this long. now mind you. we dated for 5 years and "broke up" or "took a break" twice. after that we always find our way back to each other because neither of us wants to be without each other. like i said though this time it's gone on far too long.

 

so basically to sum it all up. i want to work things out with her. i want to get us back into a functional state. i want to share my life with her. but for now i'm putting on my poker face and not letting her know. if there's one thing i have come to realize with all the women i've dated through the course of my life it's that when you are in a long term relationship and you share everything with the other you remove that element of mystery. this causes things to get a little boring or routine. that is probably our biggest problem is we just started getting bored because after that long of dating and doing everything together and living together you run out of things to do and talk about after a while.

[frd150]

so basically to sum it all up. i want to work things out with her. i want to get us back into a functional state. i want to share my life with her. but for now i'm putting on my poker face and not letting her know. if there's one thing i have come to realize with all the women i've dated through the course of my life it's that when you are in a long term relationship and you share everything with the other you remove that element of mystery. this causes things to get a little boring or routine. that is probably our biggest problem is we just started getting bored because after that long of dating and doing everything together and living together you run out of things to do and talk about after a while.

 

So if its mystery that they want then how do you give it to them without them thinking you are ignoring them? Now, if you put forth an effort they get pushed away. Its a fine line i guess. I can relate to this last paragraph in a big way.

 

Good luck man.

[brockdarock]

Hey 101NEO,

 

After reading what you wrote, this one sentence burned into my mind :when you are in a long term relationship and you share everything with the other you remove that element of mystery. this causes things to get a little boring or routine.

 

OK, you've said a lot in this sentence and it's important that you realize what you're saying.

 

First, you said "long term relationship". Now, is this what you want out of all this? Are you already planning to marry this woman? If you start turning into the "typical routine" type of guy, she's going to lose attraction for you. Period.

 

Next, you stated "you share everything with the other you remove that element of mystery". You're exactly right! That's why it's so important, as a man, that you keep a part of yourself a mystery. In order to keep attraction, you have to live your own life and have things that you do on your own - no exceptions. What am I talking about? Well, for example, I'm into vertical leap and improving my athletic performance. If a woman calls me as I'm going out the door to work out, I tell her "I'm busy right now & going to the gym, I'll see ya' later". Now, it doesn't have to be like that word for word, but I think you get the idea. Don't give away 100% of yourself to this woman.

 

If you want to talk more, just accept my buddy invitation. I'd be more than happy to help you out.

 

Brock

[101NEO]

I want to thank all of you who have been reading this and offering advice. i really appreciate it.

 

as an update. we are going to talk tonight after work.

 

Brock in response to your question, yes, i have been in the mind set that one of these days i would love to marry her. not right now because neither of us are ready quite yet but maybe in a couple of years. we still have a few things to work on as a couple. by the way we were already engaged. the problem is that i asked her way too early. she was still in college and i was feeling emotions for a woman that i never felt b4. so we decided as a couple to remove that from the relationship for now. the reasons were all wrong at the time. we both just figured oh well it's gonna happen some day anyway so i asked.

 

you are absolutely right about the keeping an element of mystery about yourself. it was after she moved in and we started sharing everything with each other that i think we both got a little bored. but that's ok.

 

i know how to fix that should we give the relationship another try.

 

first off i'm not letting her move back in right away. i want her to go out and get her own place and let her see what it's like having to do it for herself. secondly, i'm going to make sure that we limit how much time we are spending together. this is going to be the hardest one only because we love doing the same stuff and i know that we are going to call each other for certain things that we are doing and it might end up happening too frequently. but i'm going to try to control that the best i can. 3rd. i already told her this one but there's going to be many many many more "girls nights" and "guy's nights" out.

 

i've got a few others but those are the most important ones.

[sonyjay999]

notice that when u try to get her she refuse u

u know why she put up walls for her own protection so she wouldnt get hurt and since u have not been chasing her

she figure well he s not attacking i could put them down and go after him since he has given up

 

now its nice that u have the opportunity to meet up with her

i just sad that u guys cancel it

i hope it doesnt develop into a bad habit on cancelin on each other ( i dealt that with my x)

 

now when u do meet her

let her talk, do not express ur feelings just act perfectly fine about the situation

just let her express herself (trust me women come prepare for any meeting) just listen to her she may give u some pointers on how to improve ur self and if there are any chances of getting back together

 

my next suggestion is to go to google type "how to save your relationship by homer"

 

read it and this will help u out

 

good luck

[101NEO]

Sonyjay that aritcle i read from Homer McDonald was a life saver! thanks so much!

 

anyway she got to my place yesterday after work and we sat down and started talking. After reading "Stop Your Divorce!" By Homer McDonald yesterday, it made me realize a few things. I was doing it all wrong. I've kinda been in the mindset that it's over and i should really just move on. give up on her and find someone else. hence the reason i decided to give a try to the advice from Homer McDonald.

 

I followed a combination of what my heart says to do and what the author said to do. Talk to her and agree to everything - author. Well i talked to her and agreed with everything but added in my own opinions and views on some of the stuff that she was talking about.

 

The last time i saw her she was telling me how she doesn't think it will work anymore. and she wanted to leave within 15 minutes of being there.

 

This time around she was at my house for four hours talking about our problems. when she left she didn't want to leave yet. i kept physical contact limited to a hug in the middle of conversation, i put my arm around her once, and a hug goodbye. She finally told me that she wanted to work it out but she still a little conflicted. So i said "that's understandable and you do what you have to do."

 

The only thing i think i did wrong yesterday was that i let her know a few things about the way i was feeling. only because she asked and i have trouble not being completely honest with her. I told her that i thought it was a mistake to tell her any of the stuff i told her about and she negated that by saying that the timing was right on it and it opens her up a little bit more to me and the idea of us working it out.

 

So there was not a single word of "let's work it out" from me. no "i love you". no "i miss you". and low and behold, she wants to work it out.

 

Homer McDonald you are a miracle worker.

[101NEO]

she's still a little conflicted about us working things out. she wants to but she's "wary" as she puts it.

 

i had a moment where i told her that i missed her. she basically dug it out of me and i have lots of trouble not being honest with her about everything.

 

should i not be telling her this stuff?

 

see i told her i didn't want to tell her this stuff because i feel i'm letting her know too much. she responded with "why don't you want to tell me this stuff? i like it. it helps to open me more."

 

should i take that at face value or is that womanese for something else? what do you guys think?