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thank you to everyone who reads this and that goes double for those who reply.

 

this was written to a radio station about a month ago:

 

I've been dating this girl who has for the last 7 years been my best friend. Out of those 7 years we have been dating for 5. We just recently split up because i was intoxicated one night and blew up at her over some stuff that i wanted to talk to her about and i wasn't getting the chance.

 

In a little more detail. We were engaged at one point in time. I went through a period last summer that was kind of a "funk" for me. I was unhappy with my job and i felt like it wasn't ever going to get better. She and i lived together. During that time, i was very short and easily aggravated. And probably took it out on her more often than she deserved. Some of it was her fault. I wasn't done with the relationship i just need to change some things in my life. She got fed up with it and didn't try to help me out of it. she just packed her stuff and left.

 

We then worked it out. She came back and for the last year things have been great. we've had our ups and downs but as a whole it was great. she agrees as well.

 

I ask her to put the ring back on in an effort to see her give me a sign that one day we will be right back to where we once were. Now, she loves the ring, but she's very much like a guy when it comes to certain parts of a relationship. The ring wasn't important to her in the first place when i first gave it to her. but she always said well we're probably going to do it some day anyway so she'll wear it and be engaged to me. this was about 2-3 years ago.

 

so lets flash forward to present day and talk about what happened.

 

when i asked her to put it back on she was reluctant but would rather wear it then us end up not being together. she said to me that we both need to try and be a little more spontaneous and come up with things to do a little more frequently that are out of the norm. I was all about it.

 

so that thursday night i make plans for us to go out and do something different. she agress and isn't supposed to make any plans at all. come Friday after work she drops a bomb that says she's not going out with me that day that she will be going to lunch with her mom and grandmother and that she'll be back around 2ish. so i'm clearly upset about this in the first place but i let it go and let her know that it upsets me. now we're at saturday. i live in a condo community in the burbs that hosts a volleyball tournament. it's 10 bux all you can eat and drink. so instead of doing my plans with the woman i do that instead. through the course of the day i decide that it's not the ring that i want her to wear that i just want us to completely get back to basics and just enjoy the time that we have together. now mind you she agreed to try to put on the ring. she finally shows up at like 6 in the evening and now my secondary plans are ruined as well and she's not wearing the ring for the second or third time. only reason i got mad is because we had an agreement.

 

I tried to be as calm about it as possible but i couldn't talk to her about it because she brought a friend home so i couldn't have this conversation with her.

 

It boiled in me all night until i decided that i wanted to go home and let the others go out and then we could talk about it tomorrow.

 

we all left the restaurant. on the way back to the car someone said something in a flirting manner and she responded in a way to it as though she was flirting back. she, knowing that i was upset with her for something made it look like she was trying to do something to anger me. my buddy noticed it too. I popped off and said something that i regret. I said "hey man if you want her you can have her. i already did you might as well too." now i realize that it's a childish and stupid thing to do. but in my defense i was drunk and angry and i wasn't thinking.

 

since that day we have been apart. she said that she needed space and i couldn't give it to her. i missed her waaaaay too much to not be able to talk to her. i gave her some space but it wasn't enough.

 

we talked last night and she said that thing might have worked out better last night if i would have just let her miss me on her own without me trying.

 

we ended up getting into a fight last night because it hurts to lose your best friend and the love of your life. at the end i gave her a kiss goodbye and said i'm sorry.

 

I love this woman with all my heart.

 

She still agrees that we have a good relationship. she agrees that we are great friends. that we like the same things and have the same goals in life. but she can't do it right now because she can't handle it when i get loud. and she doesn't want to wait to find out that we're going to have these bad moments.

 

She agrees that i'm not a bad guy. and she doesn't hate me and that part of her wants to work things out. only problem is that she doesn't want us in that same place again. she says that she can't handle it.

 

now when she first brought it to my attention that she can't handle it, which was a year ago. i worked on the way that i approach things with her. and i did very well with it. i ended up messing it up once since she made me realize that it affects her the way it does and that was that saturday.

 

so my question to you. i don't want to move on but i think it's over. she keeps on saying that she doesn't want me to move on but she also says it's not fair for her to keep me waiting for her to get over things. again, and i stress, i don't want to move on. we've invested too much time and have great things to build from to just move on. what is your opinions.

 

What i did was wrong and i'm sorry for it. but i don't think it's time to end it. not with soooo many good things coming out of it.

 

 

note:

the above part was written about a month ago. as an update we continue to talk daily.

 

this past saturday she was bored and lonely and wanted to hang out so i said ok. her original plan got messed up and she ended up being in a bad mood, getting to me later than she wanted to, and shortly after she got there she just said i kinda just want to go home i hope you don't mind. and i said not at all. i walked her out to the car and we shared a hug and i asked her for a favor. i asked her to sit down and write up a list of the things that she's had trouble communicating to me in the past that caused some of her desire to leave. see she didn't communicate this stuff very well and kept it bottled up and then once it opened up she exploded and left. I told her i'd call her sometime the next day to talk.

 

the following sunday i decided to give her some more space and time to think about things. so i never called and avoided my phone for fear that i would smother her with my feelings.

 

i finally check my phone at around 9:30 b4 i went to sleep. i found about 10 text messages and a couple of voicemails. she was livid. I called her back and apologized. we're supposed to talk on thursday over this thing i had her write.

 

so i fully intend on having this day but from there what do i do.

 

sorry i kow this is a lot but i'm in some a very serious bind and crossroad right now. any advice would help.

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Hi there,

 

I read your post, and from what I can see, there is an " anger" issue. I know you feel bad, but some of the things you said to her were terrible. Alcohol, is no excuse, the fact she forgve you for that, says an awful lot.

With regard to you asking her to write her list of issues, saying you would call the next day to discuss them and then didn't, why didn't you let her know, you were not going to call, to give her time to think etc. etc.

I would also have been seriously p ff if I had that done to me.

You have to ask yourself, if you were not in a relationship with her, would you choose her to be a friend, because you must be able to get along together before anything else. Comminication, is a huge part of any relationship.

If you confront people with " you should of " or " its your fault " then it is immediate conflict.

Try using the words, " it makes me feel sad, when you are not able to meet up for something we have arranged "

Hope that is of some help......

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that's just the thing is we are and have always been friends first. hence the reason i'm so horribly upset. she is my best friend. she and i started out as friends and it grew into much much more.

 

as far as anger being involved. yes there was. i was upset with her for a few different reasons, but that doesn't mean i want to end the relationship, just have to figure out how to work through the issues.

 

the communication issues we have are primarily with her inability to communicate when something is bothering her. I'm typically very good with talking about things that are on my mind. I don't approach things by saying "you did this" and "it's your fault for this". I don't do that. I always try to include myself in every single aspect of the conversation. I try to speak in "we" versus "you" because anyway you look at it, it's always a "we" thing otherwise you'd have no reason to complain to the other. In a relationship you both have to work together at everything.

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