Did I do the right thing? Am I doing the right thing?

[jackmerridew]

For the benefit of those who didn't read my previous posts:

 

My live-in girlfriend Rachel and I had not been having active sex for the past few months. It went down to about once a week, and she was complaining about it, and I promised that I would once work started to die down.

 

We had been dating for two years, and living together for one.

 

She is 20. I am 25 and am a writer for a newspaper here in Hawaii. We are both from Guam.

 

She went to Gonzaga University in Spokane, Wash. for a six-week internship and class, which I encouraged because I want her to achieve. She partied, did drugs, and drank a lot. I even bought her a ticket to Seattle so she could see her best friend from Guam.

 

So it was only about two weeks left before she returned, and we got into an argument about our priorities and how much time she was spending just partying and hanging out with boys. She started complaining about the lack of sex. We started talking about breaking up.

 

She asked me that if I wanted to save our relationship, one thing I could do was to not call her until she came back to Hawaii. I said I already don't do that because she barely ever answered my calls.

 

I sent her an email apologizing about the last few months, and I called her the next morning, and she sounded upset that I even called her. So I didn't call her for the next week.

 

She returned to Hawaii last Friday. I took her out to dinner, and I felt her muscles when she kissed me. Those were not the lips of someone who had missed me.

 

I am a journalist, and I pushed her and pushed her during dinner until she admitted to having kissed this guy not once, but several times. After a day of talking and wrangling, we decided that we can still work it out, because she asked me not to break up with her, and that she'll try to do whatever she can to rebuild my trust in her, even though I doubted it was just "kissing."

 

Why did I doubt? Well when I looked in her phone, she had a text from A DIFFERENT GUY saying "You can come over and we can 'make it.' I'll be quiet. I have thus far."

 

She swears that the guy was just being vulgar, and that they didn't 'make it.' Yeah right.

 

Anyway, we tried over the weekend to be peaceful and respectful, and it was going OK. Then her father calls and says that she is flying back to Guam today, Thursday.

 

But then on July 3, after we made love for the first time after six weeks (she had her period until then), she sprung onto me that she was going out with her friends, whom I also know. I said, great, where are we going? And she asked that I don't come. And I said why not? I wasn't going to spy on her or watch over her. I just thought it'd be fun for the two of us to hang out with different people.

 

She didn't want to, because she said she had spend the last three days with me and she wanted to be with friends. I got upset and started yelling.

 

Then there was this framed mock newspaper page I made for her as a gift, complete with pictures of her family and a love letter for her. I made it for her last year. I grabbed it that night, and I smashed it on the ground, shattering the glass.

 

She left and went out with her friends. I stayed at home to clean up the pieces of a shattered memory.

 

The next morning, I broke up with her. She looked shocked because she had never been dumped before. Then she continued to text the guy she kissed with in Spokane, talking about how much she misses him. Let it be known that she also texted him that she misses him before the big smashing argument.

 

But I had already reserved a private charter boat for us to go watch the fireworks. We went anyway. I was miserable. She was talking to other friends. She continued to text the other guy.

 

This morning, something in me snapped, and I laid out the rules for how we were going to have contact: None. I told her I am packing up her things and putting it in storage. I told her to change her mailing address within a month, because afterward I will start throwing away the mail. And I told her I will cancel our gym membership together.

 

She asked me, "Why are you being so cold? I'm trying to be nice about this."

 

I told her, "If you treated me with a little respect and dignity, maybe you would've gotten some in return."

 

I dropped her off at the airport this morning, helped her check in the luggage, and said, "I'll see you when you come back to pick up your stuff," and I left. No tearful goodbye. No melodramatic saying. Just that.

 

I am alone now, I am finishing work, and I have to go home to all those memories. And I just need someone, maybe you guys, to tell me that I did the right thing. That I was able to leave a harmful relationship with some of my pride left intact. That having no contact with this girl, whom I still love from the bottom of my heart, will ultimately do good.

 

Am I right? Did I do right? Was it my fault that I was too tired and busy for sex for just a few months? We still did it once a week! There are other ways in dealing with that problem other than giving your heart to another man and breaking mine! Tell me: Did I retain my dignity? Was I a man?

[funkybassplayer]

You did the right thing. She sounds really selfish, alot like my ex, and that really put me off her sexually. I mean she was going clubbing leaving her kids at home and coming back and telling me about the guys that would grop her and chat her up, would i want to share myself wih that kind of person...........no, that was one among many. No contact is the best way for this kind of person, and for you to put this women in the past and try to slowley heal and move on. It wont be easy, but you have to try.

[Peter AL]

You did the right thing, trying to make a relationship work that is in the throes of death anyway, would have been unhealthy for you both. You were both unhappy and by breaking it off sooner rather than later was for the better. You are not being cold by wanting no contact, you are simply dealing with your loss and grief.

 

Be strong, those memories at home will fade, maybe take anything that you have that reminds you of her and put them in a box in a safe place for when you are healed and can look at them without all the emotions that you are having now. You will feel better in time.

[Chinook]

Jack, you've had responses from two guys. I'm a lady. You did the right thing. She not only betrayed your trust, she disrespected you. Even if you guys could have got through that, her priority irrespective of everything else going on around you both should have been you. Dates with friends and especially contacting the other guy should have been way down the list of things she had as being important to her. It was your right and expectation after that kind of betrayal that she put you and the relationship first as her evidence of commitment to both things. I'm not saying she had to do it indefinitely because that's unrealistic but in the short term and after such initial trauma, she had a duty to show she was committed. I think you're right to take the action you have because you have seen from her actions that she isn't committed to you or the relationship.

 

Jack, take time for yourself, heal. Like Peter says, pack everything up that reminds you of her and put it away some place out of reach. Change the house around a little and maybe redecorate some of the rooms, even if it's just a cheap rug or cushions for the sofa. Do something to make the place your own again. Go out and buy new duvet covers, new towels and toiletries etc. Simple little things which help.

 

And stay with loveshack... there will be up and down days in the time to come and this is most definitely the best place to share it.

[funkybassplayer]

Jack, you've had responses from two guys. I'm a lady. You did the right thing. She not only betrayed your trust, she disrespected you. Even if you guys could have got through that, her priority irrespective of everything else going on around you both should have been you. Dates with friends and especially contacting the other guy should have been way down the list of things she had as being important to her. It was your right and expectation after that kind of betrayal that she put you and the relationship first as her evidence of commitment to both things. I'm not saying she had to do it indefinitely because that's unrealistic but in the short term and after such initial trauma, she had a duty to show she was committed. I think you're right to take the action you have because you have seen from her actions that she isn't committed to you or the relationship.

 

Jack, take time for yourself, heal. Like Peter says, pack everything up that reminds you of her and put it away some place out of reach. Change the house around a little and maybe redecorate some of the rooms, even if it's just a cheap rug or cushions for the sofa. Do something to make the place your own again. Go out and buy new duvet covers, new towels and toiletries etc. Simple little things which help.

 

And stay with loveshack... there will be up and down days in the time to come and this is most definitely the best place to share it.

 

 

Very true and well put by a lady. In my relationship i never felt number 1 i felt number 3 to her ex hubby and her freinds. These people should'nt be in relationships as they only want the security that a man brings, but not the rest. Yes at first all loving and letting you bond with kids etc, but then it changes. If a g/f doent make you the number 1 then its no good, and you dont have to feel bad for anything. Stay away and heal man. im in week 5 of no contact, sent back all her stuff and not spoke to her since, and i feel good about it. As said aove look after yourself, and feel the ****, it will get better, but dont let her be a mate or anything.

[Chinook]

but dont let her be a mate or anything.

 

I think Funky is right. Being 'friends' only salves her conscience and won't help you. Being friends after the breakup of an intense emotional relationship isn't possible in the short term in my experience, especially if the break up wasn't mutual. Jack, you may have taken the responsibility but she left the relationship way before you ended it. You don't owe her anything, if a partner can treat you this way - be mindful of the 'friends thing - because in my experience, they don't treat you any better as a friend.

[jackmerridew]

For her to ask me to still be friends after two years, and a year of living together as basically husband and wife, is to assuage her own guilt about how she screwed up our relationship.

 

She is a young woman, and she doesn't know what she wants. All she thinks for now is that she wants everything, every man she could have, including myself and my money and my love.

 

I cannot tolerate that, and I feel I left the relationship knowing that it was only going to get worst, and that I did not want to become a violent, out-of-control obsessed freak who would bend over backwards for someone who isn't thinking of me as her priority.

 

Thank you. I suppose I should move on to the coping phase. We used to play the PlayStation 2 game Guitar Hero together a lot, and I saw a friend's band of mine to help cope with my feelings. And then the band ended up playing a Jimi Hendrix song that she always used to play to, and she even used to make funny sounds with to mimic the solo.

 

It was so adorable and cute.

 

But that person is gone, isn't she.

[jackmerridew]

I'm not saying she had to do it indefinitely because that's unrealistic but in the short term and after such initial trauma, she had a duty to show she was committed. I think you're right to take the action you have because you have seen from her actions that she isn't committed to you or the relationship.

 

You're right Chinook.

 

I told her specifically, "Look you don't have to stop being friends with this guy. I know he probably cared for you, and he probably tried to take advantage of a situation he saw, which is only natural at times. But if you can just not talk to this guy until several months, or when we've both sorted out our trust issues, that is important to me and that is showing me that I can trust you again."

 

She couldn't even do that. I wasn't even mad at the guy. And she's even lying to HIM now. She is apparently telling him that I broke up with her the minute she got back home, and that she was just staying with me as an ex-bf. And she even told him that I "kicked her out on the street," when I even let her sleep in my bed before she left.

 

She can't even be honest with this other poor boy. And suddenly I feel like I was merely a stepping stone for her and another conquest. This boy, this Ross, is only in it for the ride. And I wish there was a way I could warn him without sounding like an obsessive crazy ex-boyfriend. But I can't, and I just need to let it go and let things go as they are...

 

All things must pass...

[funkybassplayer]

Yes she is, along time ago, and now its time for you to heal. At every wedding i play, we play crazy for you, my ex fav song, it hurt but now, its better. You will get better but you have to aviod all contact, contact of any kind will bring you right back to day 1. no contact will help you see her for what she was, and as time moves on youll feel ready to find someone who is not selfish and demanding, and someone that will give you back what you put in, someone who you will want to make love to because shes all you want in a woman.

[Chinook]

But that person is gone, isn't she.

 

Hit the nail on the head Jack.

 

Yes, she's gone I'm afraid.

 

The person you loved and trusted only now exists in a painful memory. Some day those memories will be less painful - but some day they'll be less important too.

 

Be good to yourself.

[jackmerridew]

I also felt right in that I should've been at least been able to spend time with her friends along with her. She KNEW how much it meant to me that we spend our last five days together completely before she left AGAIN on another vacation, and she defended it so strongly, that I felt that she still didn't give my feelings any consideration.

 

Of course, it's unrealistic to think that I would never let her spend time with friends alone. I've let her do it dozens of times. It was no problem. She always ended up calling me to take her home anyway. And I spent the night with her in the end, so I was fine with it.

 

But to insist on that when I was still in such an emotionally fragile state, and in a wavering sense of faith in her, was to me, a real betrayal of trust once again.

 

This is going to be so hard, and I plan to stick around with you guys for a while, because lurking and posting on this board has really helped me sort out my own issues. You all are a real blessing.

[Chinook]

I also felt right in that I should've been at least been able to spend time with her friends along with her. She KNEW how much it meant to me that we spend our last five days together completely before she left AGAIN on another vacation, and she defended it so strongly, that I felt that she still didn't give my feelings any consideration.

 

Jack, that's classic controlling behaviour IMHO (listen, trust me I know) where a person wants to do something but when you raise a perfectly reasonable point with it, it suddenly becomes how it's all about you stopping them/stifling them/not considering their feelings/hurting them yada yada yada. Oh yeah... you won't be heard or your feelings considered because the other person is far more important. The kicker is though... you raise the slightest point about it and they turn it around on you and suddenly its how it's YOU who don't hear them/ YOU damage their feelings etc.

 

Jack, this 'ship has sailed my friend. You were never going to be heard and you would eventually have found yourself full of resentment. My guy dumped me 10 days ago because I finally had the nerve to stand up for myself and I told him exactly the impact he was having on me and the way he was hurting me and making me feel. He got angry and he dumped me. Now... if someone had said the same things to me, I would have been mortified, taken responsibility for hurting that person and tried to put it right. He didn't. He showed what I was worth to him by walking away. He showed me that his feelings and him being the all important person in the relationship was what was paramount and the moment I stood up to that, he was gone. Well... you know what...? Screw him. Good riddance! Because I want a guy who not only loves me and respects me but one who when I say 'hey that hurt my feelings' doesn't jump all over me and tell me what a jerk I am for reading into things (when I haven't) or tells me my feelings are invalid. I want someone who can say 'I love you, I'm sorry I hurt you'. My guy couldn't and wouldn't do that... and neither will your girl. You're better without her. It doesn't feel that way right now, I know that (I'm struggling too) but it will get better. Funky says so and I believe him.

[littlekitty]

Glad LS is helping Jack. Have you arranged how to take things from here?

 

She knows she has to live somewhere else when she gets back? Have you arranged how to get her things back to her?

 

You've done the right thing. You deserve better than she was willing to give you. Clearly she wasn't commited to making up for her indiscretion.

[littlekitty]

My guy dumped me 10 days ago because I finally had the nerve to stand up for myself and I told him exactly the impact he was having on me and the way he was hurting me and making me feel. He got angry and he dumped me. Now... if someone had said the same things to me, I would have been mortified, taken responsibility for hurting that person and tried to put it right. He didn't. He showed what I was worth to him by walking away. He showed me that his feelings and him being the all important person in the relationship was what was paramount and the moment I stood up to that, he was gone. Well... you know what...? Screw him. Good riddance! Because I want a guy who not only loves me and respects me but one who when I say 'hey that hurt my feelings' doesn't jump all over me and tell me what a jerk I am for reading into things (when I haven't) or tells me my feelings are invalid. I want someone who can say 'I love you, I'm sorry I hurt you'. My guy couldn't and wouldn't do that... and neither will your girl. You're better without her. It doesn't feel that way right now, I know that (I'm struggling too) but it will get better. Funky says so and I believe him.

 

Your ex sounds like an assh*le Chinook. Well done for standing up for yourself...

[funkybassplayer]

Jack

 

 

I had the same thing mate, she would go out clubbing with mates, Once i would have liked to go with but i got..its a girls night out, and come back and tell me who hit on her and who grabbed her arse. you dont need this kind of selfishness in your life, you did good, now shut the door on her compleatly.

[Chinook]

Your ex sounds like an assh*le Chinook. Well done for standing up for yourself...

 

Yeah, I'm slowly coming to realise that. The problem was, he was also very charming, handsome and could make me feel like I was the only girl alive who mattered to him... and I'm sure he meant it. But there were also the times when he was so unkind, cold and distant. I'm trying to stay focused on how badly he made me feel about myself. Before I met him I was a fairly balanced, confident individual. I like to think I'd been through some crap, just like everyone has - but I dealt with it and tried not to bring it into other relationships with me. Now, I'm a fairly quiet and shy girl, under-confident and not really sure about myself (either physically and mentally). He undermined me that much. I don't think he realised he was doing it. But the point was, when I told him there was an issue... it became my problem and he just didn't bear any responsibility for anything. Like, I'd write an email and pour out how I felt about stuff, or I'd sit him down and talk to him - and in the end his responses were along the lines of 'well, I note your issue and hope you sort it out'. I know I'm better without him, just it doesn't hurt any less at the moment - it's still fairly raw you see.

[funkybassplayer]

Chinnok, you ex sounds like the male version of mine. they can make you feel great, but then the bad is bad, like being really selfish. She would never deal with issues, and brought loads of baggage in from her relationship with her hubby that for some reason would never divorce, but he sent her a text once, as long as t gets what T wants nothing else matters. Obviouly he had the same, and i really dont belive half of what she said about him, or she drove him to being like he was. The thing is these people that drain you emotionally are the hardest to get out of your head, and its because they get into your head with the problems they creat, then we as good people want to help while they bury there heads. All this embeds it self into our heads, and in the wake of break-up, they have an emotional hold. This is why the n/c thing is good. I dont belive for 1 moment that she never loved me, but she needed time to herself, and be single before she could be with me or anyone else. She went from her hubby to me then strait to another guy. Shes not strong enough to face her issues, and instead carries them around and put the weight on me. maybe i was not right for her, but i did try to help her as much as poss, but give her wine an a club and a sandpit for her head, and she was happy.

[Chinook]

Funky, you could have written my stuff for me. You're right of course. I had the same experience where my ex denigrated his ex-w's character to me and basically blamed her for everything which had gone wrong in their relationship...that should have been a head's up right at the start.

 

But when someone makes you feel so good at the start, you overlook the small things which niggle. I'm not perfect by any stretch of the imagination and I know what my faults are. The thing is, not many people can identify what their faults are...because of the experiences I have had in life, I know mine. I'm usually a closed book, I don't share my feelings and I'm intolerant of people to the point of annoyance and I told him all these things. I told him I would build walls and would try not to get too close.

 

So basically the whole 8 months we were together he made it his business to break those defences down and he sure did a good job. The thing is, I didn't mind at first when I realised I had fallen in love with him and I didn't mind that he was the one and only person I have trusted since 2002 when I split with my previous partner. I didn't mind that I wanted to take the risk again because he made me believe we could get through anything and he actually told me that only death would separate us.

 

Then, the moment I stand up for how I feel and how he was hurting me, he does a runner... leaving pain and devastation in his wake. What's more, I looked at another thread today and have realised that he probably was either cheating or he had someone else waiting in the wings (probably his ex-w cos she's as dysfunctional and screwed up as he is).

[funkybassplayer]

Ok well the way to look at it is that we now know they are not right for us and we have to look after ourselves, and lets face it there probebly so ****ed up that they dont even give a toss about how they treated us. In my case i miss the kids very much, but im happy to be without them, than in a relationship i was not happy in. I very nearly sold my house and bought her hubby out (while she was still married to him) im so glad i said no, im still selling but for me. (buying a porche a 70's fender bass and gonna pay the rent up on a nice rural pad for a year and gonna bank the rest for better times). All this is for me, to make me feel good. I would have done so much for her if she commited to me, but right from day 1 i knew she was bad news. Its not her fault, she does'nt even realise i dont think. Its called being selfish and insecure,, i did dump her a month b4 she did me, but we tried again. Look at the quote below, that was on v.tines day, thats the day my dad died, she should have put her arms around me and told me she loved me not said that. Horrible v.tines day i had with her, and its one i care to forget, for many other reasons too. I have had some wonderful girls, but this one took the biscuit. one thing, she never broke my spirit, and i took everything she could throw at me..........because i loved her, but you aske me today why, and i can honestly say **** knows!

[jackmerridew]

You guys I thought I was going to do better, but it's been 24 hours of no contact. She's on Guam, and I haven't heard from her at all. I'm glad for it, at the same time I've had a hard time breathing all morning during work. I can barely stand the pain of being apart from someone whom I shared a life with.

 

I feel like such a pussy. Just a year ago, I was comforting one of my best friends over a bad breakup he was going through. He was crying on my shoulder over drinks, and I took him out to strip clubs with such confidence and debonair attitude.

 

Now a year later, I'm here alone and he's not here to help me.

 

I'm so tempted to call her, but I know I would end up losing. But God oh God, I wish it didn't hurt so much. I feel like I'm 17 years old again, going through my first breakup while my parents were in a divorce. I feel like a blubbering baby that can't even stand on his own two feet, because I was just so used to having her warm body next to me during the nights.

 

The nights, oh the nights are the worst. They're so cold. So empty. So quiet, without another's scent.

 

I've been talking to my mother about this, because she was dumped by my dad. We've gotten much closer, and she's so glad I'm able to open up to her in ways I never could when I was younger. I've talked to friends, who even apologized on behalf of the female sex and remind me that I'm a hot, young professional with everything going for him.

 

It's easy to remember myself and why I loved myself. But it's all too easy to remember her. I just need to balance it out until I stop thinking about her. But I can't move out of the apartment until January, because I'm locked into a lease. I'm going insane...

[funkybassplayer]

your not alone, look at the posts here. Be strong, it WILL get better,feel the crap let it come. Its over, now from day 1 you have a new life, a single one. Love yourself, and look after yourself, sleep on the couch for now. It will get better man, trust me.

[Chinook]

It's easy to remember myself and why I loved myself. But it's all too easy to remember her. I just need to balance it out until I stop thinking about her. But I can't move out of the apartment until January, because I'm locked into a lease. I'm going insane...

 

Jesus Jack. I so wish I didn't know what you mean. I really do.

 

[jackmerridew]

Jesus Jack. I so wish I didn't know what you mean. I really do.

 

 

I wish I didn't feel what I mean too. But thanks for listening. I love this place.

 

You know what helps? Hearing horror stories that are 100 times worse than mine, like the ones here.

 

Another guy I know, he was dating this girl, until he found out she was engaged. She got married, but they kept dating, and they even had a kid together. Then she decided to split with her husband, and he even paid for the divorce. Now she's back with her ex-husband, RE-married, AND she's pregnant with the husband's kid.

 

There's another guy who also was in a very similar situation like mine, moving to Hawaii and everything, and his girl went back to Guam and cheated up a storm. That's after *eight* years.

 

Still, it only briefly takes away the pain. It's always revisited, and all of a sudden, the world's problems seem so small compared to a sad, young man reduced to a whimpering boy in the corner of his bedroom. It's selfish I know, but it's been a long time since I've tended to my own feelings. I didn't know how fragile I had become.

 

What do you think about this guys: Do you think I overreacted? Do you think I am justified in being suspicious that more than just kissing happened with this other guy and this second other guy? I ended it before the pain even got backed up even more, didn't I?

[Chinook]

What do you think about this guys: Do you think I overreacted? Do you think I am justified in being suspicious that more than just kissing happened with this other guy and this second other guy? I ended it before the pain even got backed up even more, didn't I?

 

Jack, don't do this to yourself. At the end of the day, the only information you have is the information she gave you, or that you came across. You can never know for sure. You DID do the right thing and it is not selfish to tend to your own feelings once in a while. One thing I can tell you is, I am 37 years old. Through everything I've been through (and it's some story I tell you) I have learned one stark fact. Always, absolutely ALWAYS trust your own instincts. If your instincts tell you something is up, then the chances are, something is up. You don't need us to tell you that.

[jackmerridew]

You're right. I'm still in the shock phase really. I thought I was over it, but I was being premature.

 

Thanks for slapping my face abit. I'll be needing a lot of them for a while.

 

I just hate it when people disappoint me.

 

But you're right. I ended it when it should've ended. I broke something. It's a violent act that is so not characteristic of me. But it really said something about how much of a different person I was becoming because of the situation. I smashed the frame, and I had to end it before I scared her, or me, even more.