introduction

[noematicSinn]

Hi everyone,

 

I've been reading this board for the last 3 days, trying to hold onto something while my world spins out of control. My gf of 3 yrs asked for space/a break from the relationship over the phone on sunday night (she's been away for school this semester). She was/is my angel, and I'm definitely FUBAR atm.

 

We were the fairy tale couple. We'd sit on my balcony, with her head in my lap and we'd watch the most amazing sunsets. We laughed non-stop, and shared everything together. Last year I bought her a promise ring, which she wore constantly. She was never really into "working" on the relationship and last sept she had a tough time at school and dropped out. This semester she made a new plan and went across the country. I encouraged her, supported her, helped her write all her letters, said I believed in her 100%. Over the last few months she became distant in waves, most of which I attributed to her school/work predicament.

 

Finally, on sunday I could sense she was deliberately pushing me away so I called her. It was the second most painful conversation I've ever had (the first being when I broke it off with my last gf whom I was living with).

 

I know she loves me, but I cannot wrap my brain around this space thing everyone talks about. In my mind, if something is eating at you, you go to the people that love and support you, you don't walk away from the most amazing relationship/friendship. Obviously there are issues in all relationships, I realize I was getting 'clingy' but i had no idea what was going on, so I emailed, and called more frequently.

 

It took us about 4 minutes to hang up after everything had been said, we just sat there holding the receiver...that was sunday, I said I would give her the space she needed. I have been a wreck since. I have a two-day take home final on monday which is probably going to be the hardest exam of my life, and I'm supposed to be working on my thesis. I have never balled my eyes out before, nor have I been so overtaken with grief that I can't do anything.

 

Everything is surreal, i'm just kinda numb. The only thing thats helping is going for long runs. I get mad at small talk, (my best friends know), they keep doing the old, "i'm here for you, yadda, wanna go for a drink?" I have nothing to say. I'm barely sleeping.

 

She was supposed to come home tomorrow, but wouldn't tell me on sunday if she was or wasn't...she was my best friend, and now I'm not even allowed to welcome her home. ****@)(&@*!

 

Anyway, thanks for the advice that I've read with other posts, I'm sure it will be repeated here. I have to admit I'm in the "how can I prove I'm worth it" camp, because I think she's worth it. the silence is deafening, and I hope you are right, that I should wait for her to contact me. I guess I have no choice. god this is hard.

 

Love is suffering.

[annabelle75]

It sounds like the distant and time apart took a toll on the relationship and her feelings for you. Not really knowing what is going on in her head or even knowing whether or not she might have met some one else, makes it hard to even guess what her intentions are. This is a really tough situation to be in.

 

I'm sorry you are in so much pain. I know how you feel. When I'm struggling like this its hard for me to hang out with my friends too. I don't feel like being social or trying to pretend I'll be ok when I feel like I'm dying on the inside. This week I've made a point of spenidn time with my friends even though I just wanted to stay home and cry. Tonight I am having dinner with one freind and tomorrow night I'm going out dancing with some others. The distraction really is helping. I didn't think it would but it has.

 

I had trouble sleeping too, so I started taking Sominex at night. Getting sleep has also helped me deal with it better.

 

Keep posting here and saying whatever you need to say to help you get through it. We're all here for you.

[Island Girl]

The only thing you CAN do is nothing.

 

IF you were getting clingy and needy and it was overwhelming her -- the step back is VERY much needed. A person can not remember the good things or why they should miss you when they are being overwhelmed with neediness.

 

If this is the case, and you do contact, your desperation will come through in the way you say things or just the contact in general and this is the WRONG signal to send as it just makes the other person want to flee and shut the door.

 

---

 

If it isn't the case, and she wasn't feeling overwhelmed by clingy neediness, accepting new terms of the relationship where you become a doormat is not good either. She'll lose respect for you as she comes in and out of contact with you always initiating.

 

-----

 

So NC is the only way.

 

If she comes back in to your life -- you need to not jump in. Don't talk about the future immediately even if SHE is the one that brings it up.

 

You deserve someone who is absolutely sure of you and committed to you. The fact that she has behaved like this leaves the "proof" on her side. She has to show she is stepping back in for the long haul and you need to make her do that if she wants YOU back.

 

Treat the situation with righteous indignation.

You need to get to the correct side of the equation.

 

No excuses for her, no acceptance of poor treatment NO MATTER WHAT the reasoning may be, do not shoulder the blame (which it seems you are leaning toward).

 

You may have become clingy and needy but that was due to her not being honest with you about how she was feeling and there is no excuse for that. So don't buy in that she just "didn't want to hurt you", etc. You were open to communication. She didn't give it to you. She shut down and left you feeling helpless. The choices were all on her side, not yours.

 

She made the wrong choice and didn't trust you with how she was feeling. She ended up damaging your relationship further by her steady pullback.

 

Had she been honest you may not be where you are right now. So get angry about that. And place the responsibility for that part where it belongs -- squarely on her shoulders.

 

Use this time to get your perspective straight. You were wonderful to her and never gave her any reason to not communicate with you. She chose not to.

 

If she comes back in contact you need to be strong enough to make sure that lack of communication will not happen again. If you buy in too early the result is you will still be needy and clingy because of lack of trust in the relationship. It is deadly to reconciliation.

 

She needs to show YOU she is fully committed and understands it was a mistake to withdraw so the chances of it happening again are greatly reduced.

[noematicSinn]

Hmm, interesting "She shut down and left you feeling helpless. The choices were all on her side, not yours." I guess I didn't think of it that way. I just can't get mad at her. She is inexperienced with relationships, me being her first serious relationship, I guess I thought I would somehow bear the responsibility of the problems while she figured out what she needed to do.

 

Sadly, "You were wonderful to her and never gave her any reason to not communicate with you. She chose not to." you are right. I just can't bear the thought -yet- that she might not want to work at it, b/c it isn't something she wants.

 

But you are absolutely right, I do not want to be a doormat, even though I would stick my hand in a toaster for this girl. something always seemed to be pressuring her, like school, so I just didn't want to add to her frustrations, so I never really sat her down and said "lets work on our relationship" since in my head it was not a matter of will this work, but how will it work.

 

But therein might be part of the problem, I was so giving and emotionally "available" it was too much. I think in one sense, I started acting like her father (i'm really close with her family) I started to want to know what she was doing, what were her plans, I was only doing it to make conversation, I think I'm looking for things I did wrong.

 

But I will start working on myself, and try to get my life back on track. If you have some advice about how to behave when she calls and what to do when we discuss what she has been thinking about - she didn't give any definitive answer on anything other than she needed some space - so even if she leaves me she has to contact me at some point. What if she says, I want to work things out? Like what should I propose, how should I act towards her, how long should I allow her to go on not giving me an answer?

 

Thanks everyone, posting has helped. I didn't think it would to be honest, since there doesn't seem to be anything I can do. Thats the worst part, last saturday I thought I was a really loving boyfriend who could work through any problem, as of sunday that was taken away from me, and now i can do nothing but wait.

[Island Girl]

Hmm, interesting "She shut down and left you feeling helpless. The choices were all on her side, not yours." I guess I didn't think of it that way.

 

And you need to.

 

I just can't get mad at her.

 

And why not? Inexcusable behavior is still inexcusable. She doesn't get a "pass" because of your feelings for her.

 

I'm married to my husband. I love him dearly but when he is an azz he still gets called on it.

 

She is inexperienced with relationships, me being her first serious relationship, I guess I thought I would somehow bear the responsibility of the problems while she figured out what she needed to do.

 

1st relationship -- ? Inexperience -- ? So what!

 

She knows about communication. She obviously had no problem doing that when things were going well. That just goes out the window when things get tough. I don't think so.

 

Sadly, "You were wonderful to her and never gave her any reason to not communicate with you. She chose not to." you are right. I just can't bear the thought -yet- that she might not want to work at it, b/c it isn't something she wants.

 

If she does, she will. If she doesn't then she is turning away from someone who truly cares about her and that isn't easily replaced.

 

Quit feeling sorry for HER. She certainly isn't having those thoughts and she is the one that SHOULD after what she has done.

 

I can NOT stress enough that you need to start looking at the situation clearly and get MAD.

 

But you are absolutely right, I do not want to be a doormat, even though I would stick my hand in a toaster for this girl.

 

It is one thing to rescue someone who is in a perilous situation.

 

She has turned her back on you and what you shared. She did so knowingly and now you MUST be the one with strength for yourself AND the relationship.

 

something always seemed to be pressuring her, like school, so I just didn't want to add to her frustrations, so I never really sat her down and said "lets work on our relationship"

 

Your move should have been an immediate re-shifting of priorities. If she couldn't make you one then you do not make her one. When she started drifting, you should have let go. Yes it is hard to do but when adrift she would have probably come to her senses and much faster than after needy attention and desperation added to her immature reaction to the problems at hand.

 

since in my head it was not a matter of will this work, but how will it work.

 

It can't unless both people are "in it". The second she turned away from that it became an uphill battle. A battle not worth fighting for. Sorry to say that but it's true. And there would be more of an immediate realization had your reaction been an immediate calling on the carpet of her crap.

 

But therein might be part of the problem, I was so giving and emotionally "available" it was too much.

 

Exactly.

 

I think in one sense, I started acting like her father (i'm really close with her family) I started to want to know what she was doing, what were her plans, I was only doing it to make conversation, I think I'm looking for things I did wrong.

 

What you did wrong was you started to make everything all about her. You still are.

 

Instead of looking at the situation and saying to yourself "how dare you treat me this way after what I have been to you!" You are even now excusing her actions because she was pressured by other things.

 

There are no excuses for bad behavior. And those that wrong us must make reparations.

 

Stop looking for ways to take accountability for something you did not do.

 

You were too available. You did become clingy and needy. Those are the things you must change and figure out why you were so quick to sacrifice your self when you were not the one making the issues problems in the relationship.

 

But her actions of NOT turning to you -- turning away from you instead -- those are HER actions. You need to place the responsibility of that where it belongs. With her.

 

But I will start working on myself, and try to get my life back on track. If you have some advice about how to behave when she calls and what to do when we discuss what she has been thinking about - she didn't give any definitive answer on anything other than she needed some space - so even if she leaves me she has to contact me at some point. What if she says, I want to work things out? Like what should I propose, how should I act towards her, how long should I allow her to go on not giving me an answer?

 

Give her all the space in the world. DO NOT contact her.

 

If she contacts you do not get into a relationship talk. YOU need to get your head on straight before there can be ANY discussion of reconciliation.

 

If she brings it up, just let her know that there is a lot that you need to figure out. It'll scare the crap out of her -- and it should so she won't be so quick to behave this way again.

 

She needs to see the neediness and desperation is GONE. That you are a strong man -- one she could lean on in a relationship.

 

She needs to see that you aren't rushing back in saying "OMG I am so LUCKY you came back!"

 

Instead she needs to see -- "You had the real deal and it isn't so easy to get it back when you discard it - I am not easy to get back when you treat me badly".

 

Thanks everyone, posting has helped. I didn't think it would to be honest, since there doesn't seem to be anything I can do. Thats the worst part, last saturday I thought I was a really loving boyfriend who could work through any problem, as of sunday that was taken away from me, and now i can do nothing but wait.

 

NOOOOO.

 

Wrong thinking again. You ARE a really loving boyfriend. You do have the capability of that.

 

You thought you had a committed girlfriend. She chose to walk away from that for space or what have you.

 

She made the choices NOT you. But you need the time anyway to get back to yourself. The appealing, non-needy, strong self you had been up until the unraveling.

 

You deserve to be treated better and with more respect. It is up to you to make sure that happens.

[noematicSinn]

Ok this is tricky sounding. How do we start to work through this if I'm not allowed to talk about it with her? More importantly, how do we begin the healing if I start saying things like, "and you need to talk to me more" and "you need to do this and that"? how do I address her immature behavior in a productive way without making it sound like she has to sign a prenup just to start working through these issues? our relationship was always fun and easy, no real strings we simply brought what we had...

 

I'm just so confused about how to work through this. Not talking about what has happened, and just making small talk sounds like bullcrap, no sincerity. Why can't we be real from the moment she is ready to start talking? I love this girl, and I want to work through this. Am I too eager to work it out? Isn't that what committed love is? WTF! this is so confusing.

 

How should I structure the first few conversations so that I stand up for myself, discuss what happened, and work towards a solution, while being sensitive and considerate? any suggestions? I just don't want it to turn into a finger pointing session, I want to address her concerns and mine and go from there.

 

*oh* I think I get something, I always consider her feelings, and by her actions she did not consider mine. so maybe thats where start? I need to back off being so concerned about what she needs, and focus on what I need? But it still feels like the first conversation should be about the causes shouldn't it? which of course means going over why she pushed me away.

 

sorry i'm thinking to hard about this, i should go to bed.

Island Girl, thank you so much for your input and pointers, I'm starting to feel better, about the situation and myself.

[Island Girl]

Ok this is tricky sounding. How do we start to work through this if I'm not allowed to talk about it with her?

 

Right now there is nothing to talk about. If she brings it up -- you let her know that turning away from you and not talking to you was hurtful and disrespectful. End of story. --- If she attempts more conversation you tell her YOU have to think about having the ability to trust her again. --- Trust is easily given but not easy to get back. You should know this for yourself.

 

More importantly, how do we begin the healing if I start saying things like, "and you need to talk to me more" and "you need to do this and that"?

 

You don't tell her any of those things. They are needy and pleady --

 

She has to figure it out. And you don't just jump right in after something like this. You go slowly. You start over and rebuild. Going back to the immediate closeness is a death sentence for the relationship.

 

how do I address her immature behavior in a productive way without making it sound like she has to sign a prenup just to start working through these issues? our relationship was always fun and easy, no real strings we simply brought what we had...

 

That part is over for now -- the fun and easy part.

 

Now it is difficult. there is no way around that.

 

Remember you are a MAN. You are not some suck-azz wimp. Don't act like one.

 

There is no way to address what is not positive positively.

 

Don't jump into conversations about the relationship. If she tries, you let her know she should have talked to you - not just pulled away. Then shut up about it.

 

Distance yourself. She needs to know you have now pulled back as well.

 

I'm just so confused about how to work through this.

 

There is nothing for you to work through right now.

 

It will not be up to you to work through it -- it will be up to her.

 

Not talking about what has happened, and just making small talk sounds like bullcrap, no sincerity.

 

It is not small talk. She should be the one doing most of the talking -- not you. She is the one reaching out -- she needs to explain herself. You just don't jump at the talking and go into a needy conversation. That is why NC is so important right now. You need to get your spine back. -- sorry to be so blunt.

 

Why can't we be real from the moment she is ready to start talking? I love this girl, and I want to work through this. Am I too eager to work it out? Isn't that what committed love is? WTF! this is so confusing.

 

Yes you are too eager. You are NOT in committed love. Well, you are but she's NOT. She needs to be if it is going to work so you have to go slowly and make her show you that she IS.

 

How should I structure the first few conversations so that I stand up for myself, discuss what happened, and work towards a solution, while being sensitive and considerate? any suggestions? I just don't want it to turn into a finger pointing session, I want to address her concerns and mine and go from there.

 

Do not address her concerns. Address yours. And then only briefly. Pull back --- way back --- out of the focal point. This needs to be very aparent when she does contact you. That you aren't pining away or running through all of this in your mind. You need to be the cool guy --- cool -- unruffled. Introspective. Cautious.

 

*oh* I think I get something, I always consider her feelings, and by her actions she did not consider mine. so maybe thats where start? I need to back off being so concerned about what she needs, and focus on what I need?

 

YES. *sigh* Now your head is starting to get where you will need it.

 

That is why NC is so important. So you will get your head back on the way it needs to be to have a healthy relationship. You allowed yourself to get sucked into "all about her".

 

But it still feels like the first conversation should be about the causes shouldn't it? which of course means going over why she pushed me away.

 

She needs to come up with that and when she does there shouldn't be much discussion on your part. Doing that was wrong point blank. She needs to be accountable and show you she realizes what SHE did wrong in turning away.

 

As to the reasons she did -- she'll have to explain those as well as acknowledge what is different now. Why she feels she can be trusted not to do that again.

 

sorry i'm thinking to hard about this, i should go to bed.

Island Girl, thank you so much for your input and pointers, I'm starting to feel better, about the situation and myself.

 

You need to feel better about yourself. THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING.

 

That is why you are in NC right now. You were becoming a needy doormat. That is NOT what you are. That is not who you want to be in this or ANY relationship.

 

Remember the cool confident guy she met? Get back in touch with him.

[noematicSinn]

Right now there is nothing to talk about. If she brings it up -- you let her know that turning away from you and not talking to you was hurtful and disrespectful. End of story. --- If she attempts more conversation you tell her YOU have to think about having the ability to trust her again. --- Trust is easily given but not easy to get back. You should know this for yourself.

 

She has to figure it out. And you don't just jump right in after something like this. You go slowly. You start over and rebuild. Going back to the immediate closeness is a death sentence for the relationship.

 

OK. I don't want a death sentence here, so i will head your advice on this.

 

Don't jump into conversations about the relationship. If she tries, you let her know she should have talked to you - not just pulled away. Then shut up about it. Distance yourself. She needs to know you have now pulled back as well.

 

Oh god, I don't know if I can do that, it just isn't how I treat people that I love. I am open and giving...her ability to be able to pull away from me, is her skill, not mine.

 

There is nothing for you to work through right now. It will not be up to you to work through it -- it will be up to her.

 

*sigh*, you are right.

 

It is not small talk. She should be the one doing most of the talking -- not you. She is the one reaching out -- she needs to explain herself. You just don't jump at the talking and go into a needy conversation. That is why NC is so important right now. You need to get your spine back. -- sorry to be so blunt.

 

At this point I don't know if I had one anymore, I surrender to love, I guess I need to learn how to be in love while still defining my sovereignty. I never really saw how a man should act towards his love (my parents split when I was 7) and the only other examples are movies and stories. I think I'm a romantic and I just thought that by treating her like a princess was what men do.

 

Yes you are too eager. You are NOT in committed love. Well, you are but she's NOT. She needs to be if it is going to work so you have to go slowly and make her show you that she IS.

 

OK, fair enough.

 

Do not address her concerns. Address yours. And then only briefly. Pull back --- way back --- out of the focal point. This needs to be very aparent when she does contact you. That you aren't pining away or running through all of this in your mind. You need to be the cool guy --- cool -- unruffled. Introspective. Cautious.

 

I will try.

 

YES. *sigh* Now your head is starting to get where you will need it.

That is why NC is so important. So you will get your head back on the way it needs to be to have a healthy relationship. You allowed yourself to get sucked into "all about her".

 

I guess I thought thats what love was about, the person you love.

 

She needs to come up with that and when she does there shouldn't be much discussion on your part. Doing that was wrong point blank. She needs to be accountable and show you she realizes what SHE did was wrong in turning away.

 

You are right

 

As to the reasons she did -- she'll have to explain those as well as acknowledge what is different now. Why she feels she can be trusted not to do that again.

 

I really appreciate this point, b/c I think had you not said it, I would have let her do this whenever she felt like sorting out her feelings. I give people what they ask for if I can give it. But you are right, if we are together, she must be able to turn to me and say what is on her mind. I will hold onto this one very clearly

 

That is why you are in NC right now. You were becoming a needy doormat. That is NOT what you are. That is not who you want to be in this or ANY relationship. Remember the cool confident guy she met? Get back in touch with him.

 

OK, I will. Do you have his number? I think I lost it sometime ago...

 

JK:)

 

many thanks

[Island Girl]

Oh god, I don't know if I can do that, it just isn't how I treat people that I love. I am open and giving...her ability to be able to pull away from me, is her skill, not mine.

 

Open and giving is one thing.

 

Completely disregarding your own feelings continually for another who is NOT reciprocating is another.

 

Love is not suffering as you said before. Committed love is difficult, challenging in a lot of respects but it is not suffering. If you feel suffering within the relationship there is something wrong.

 

I love my husband. He loves me. I sacrifice a lot for him as he does for me.

However, my self esteem remains intact as does his.

And we both call each other on the carpet for missteps.

 

Our love and commitment means we work through things together.

 

That means open communication. We both know if that stops we face problems that may be insurmountable.

 

 

At this point I don't know if I had one anymore, I surrender to love, I guess I need to learn how to be in love while still defining my sovereignty.

 

This comes from knowing yourself and loving yourself. I know it sounds like psycho babble but it is true.

 

You really need to have some clearly defined boundaries of behavior. You hold yourself to these standards and you should expect the same treatment.

 

If someone you love is going through a difficult time, it may be natural for them to process those thoughts introspectively, they can communicate that to you especially if the problems are outside of the relationship.

 

 

I never really saw how a man should act towards his love (my parents split when I was 7) and the only other examples are movies and stories. I think I'm a romantic and I just thought that by treating her like a princess was what men do.

 

My husband calls me his "Queen" and treats me very well. But when he feels I am wrong about something he still talks to me about it. And vice versa.

 

You may treat her like a princess but that doesn't mean you become chattel or a whipping post made to suffer while she does whatever she wants.

 

You should be her prince as well. There is a level of respect and caring that should not be sacrificed or tread upon.

 

I really appreciate this point, b/c I think had you not said it, I would have let her do this whenever she felt like sorting out her feelings. I give people what they ask for if I can give it. But you are right, if we are together, she must be able to turn to me and say what is on her mind. I will hold onto this one very clearly

 

It is fantastic that you give people what they can if you can but you should keep in mind IF YOU CAN. That means not sacrificing yourself either.

 

OK, I will. Do you have his number? I think I lost it sometime ago...

 

oh. geez this one pulled my heart strings.

 

You really are a sweet guy. This has to be tempered with strength too though. You have to be strong enough that you prevent people from taking advantage of you and your caring. There is a definite line between doormat and not. I think you know how it feels when that line is crossed.

[loveratud]

You can do absolutely everything right. Do all the romantic things you made note of in movies growing up. Kisses in the rain, fullfilling their childhood dreams, making a mix tape, say the cutest things at just the right moment. And still you can get burned.

 

And she'll tell you, and eventually you'll believe, you didn't do anything wrong. You did everything right. But their feelings change. They aren't steady and unerring like ours.

 

But that won't make you feel better. I don't know what does.

 

I'm well past 4 months post-break up, going on 5. I haven't slept more than an hour in those months without taking something to knock me out. And even when I sleep, I dream about her every single night. And it hasn't stopped.

 

I did all the stuff they say to do to get over someone.

 

I boxed up everything that reminded me of her and put it in a drawer. I took all the pictures of the two of us together that were online (hundreds of them) and off all my computers and stored them all to a CD and a flash drive, also to go in the drawer.

 

I dated several new girls. Ended up hurting two of them pretty bad (emotionally) because when it came down to it, I wasn't willing to sleep with them if that might have any future bearing on things working out between the ex and myself.

 

I even started a journal. Which I'm sure at this point has grown well beyond the size that it should, for a "post-breakup" journal. It's certainly beyond the point of masculinity anyway.

 

But it doesn't matter if I'm calculating a probability, thoughts of her jump between alpha and beta. Driving down the road, every song reminds me of her.

 

The romanic guy we built ourselves up to be might just have been our undoing. Who knows. I guess time will tell.

 

The best advice I can give you is that it does get better. Not the pain. The pain is pretty much constant, but your ability to cope with it, and go about your life while it's there. I know those first few weeks feel like you're going to die. Literally. But you get used to it.

 

Life? Life goes on, but my heart? It's still right where I left it.

 

Stay strong buddy.

[noematicSinn]

not sure what happened, I posted and now its gone. :s

 

Long story short, Island girl, you are a cool breeze on a hot day. Thanks for your input. Im working on me now. I found my cool, confident self last night and I'm going to stay that way. Gonna take it day and act like an adult and deal with the issues. I will update as more develops

[Island Girl]

not sure what happened, I posted and now its gone. :s

 

Long story short, Island girl, you are a cool breeze on a hot day. Thanks for your input. Im working on me now. I found my cool, confident self last night and I'm going to stay that way. Gonna take it day and act like an adult and deal with the issues. I will update as more develops

 

That is great you located him so quickly!

 

The best thing to do is remember your outlook when the two of you met.

 

The changes in the relationship and her pulling away created feelings of desperation. The actions made in desperation are steady blows to a relationship when someone is pulling away.

 

Loving someone does not mean they become the air that you breath -- you always have to have basics for yourself covered first.

 

I am with my husband completely. I am dedicated to being with him forever. If we weren't together, however, my life would go on. I know I am with him because I choose to be not because I HAVE to be.

 

He doesn't define me - he is a welcome addition in my life but if he chose not to be with me anymore I would not beg, plead, chase, etc. If he does not want to be there my actions would not make him stay -- and if they did because of guilt I wouldn't want a relationship like that anyway.

 

My husband would not benefit from having a partner who sucked the life out of him. And it would drive me away if he turned around and was like that to me. Both people have to be healthy about themselves and their boundaries, otherwise, when things like this happen there would be actions out of insecurity and neediness. That is never attractive.

 

I am not saying we get along perfectly all the time. Certainly we have been through our share of problems and we have had to learn to communicate and understand each others need for space to work out personal issues like work stress, etc.

 

But there is also an understanding of the commitment to each other and how easily that can be destroyed by harboring hurt feelings or pulling away from one another. We both see that pulling away is hurtful and resulting problems from that action (or lack thereof) sit squarely with the one not voicing their feelings or concerns.

 

For the last 4 years we have been separated by 5,000 miles. We have seen each other a total of 1 month during that time. If WE were to shut down communication for any length of time it would be major problems because there is so much there are already the challenges of space and not seeing each other. ---- Yeah, I know "WOW. I can't believe that!"

Or you possibly just think I am crazy -- keep in mind we were completely together when we met and lived together for a year before he left the country. And we were just married last July. I posted a thread about it if you'd like to peruse...

 

In any event, you must maintain your confidence in you and how great of a catch you are. You must see clearly that you are a romantic, caring, and thoughtful boyfriend.

 

If someone were to turn away from a great thing -- for whatever reason -- isn't it THEIR problem? If you are remaining open to communication and the other person shuts down, is that YOUR problem?

 

When these things happen, and they do sometimes, the best thing to do is voice the concern that there is no communication and it is unfair -- then realize there is nothing you can do. THE OTHER PERSON HAS TO STEP UP.

Chasing it, clinging to it, acting needy, or pleading will not help. A clear statement of what you see happening and a willingness to be open to resolution is all you can do. Then they have to recommit and do the work on their side.

 

Sorry this is so long -- and it may be repetitive because I was interrupted by a phone call midway.

 

I'm sure you get the idea.

 

You are doing just fine to be feeling such resolve so early on.

 

Keep up the good work smart guy!

[noematicSinn]

Hi again,

 

Ok, things just took an odd turn, and I hope I did the right thing. My gf, emailed me and said that she had decided to hold out for a job interview this coming week, and that if she didn't get the job she would come back. She asked me to be patient with her, and that she knew this was hard on me. Ok. So I emailed back saying that I was grateful for the break as it allowed to me find myself again, and that we both had some stuff to work on, and that she should take the next couple of months to clarify who she was and what she wanted in our relationship. I said I would think about being patient, but that I was dealing with a lot of pain and that I couldn't do it right away.

 

She emailed today saying that she had just received a scholarship for one more term and so she was going to stay. She didn't acknowledge what I had written, didn't even mention it. Then she sent another email, asking how I was and what I was doing, and that she going to play soccer. WTF!?

 

I responded with a brief congratulations, but I asked her to now pay attention to my previous emails and to address what I had said in them. I said that we cannot continue to just send emails as though nothing had happened (advice from this forum *phewph*), I told her she had hurt me, and that I needed her to take responsibility for that. I said take some time and really think about *us* and then get back to me when you are ready.

 

I really dont think she has any idea what she put me through. I said I need her to demonstrate that she is serious about working through this, as serious as she is about school and work. What I find amazing is that in a matter of a week it has gone from her taking a break from our relationship, asking me to give her space, to me asking her to step back and to take some time to do exactly what she said she needed to do. Had I not read about NC and not rushing back into the old intimacy, I think I would have taken her emails as a signal that we were fine again and not questioned it. Either way, I can't go back.

 

I think I took my first step in acting like the man I should be. I'm concerned we broke NC too soon now, but it was at her choice, so I'm not sure how strict I should be in the coming weeks. That is, if she doesn't know what she's doing or how to work through this, should I break NC from time to time to talk to her about things I'm working on and make suggestions for what she could be doing?

 

The thing is I don't want to be her therapist and her bf at the same time. I want to be her bf, and let her sort this out, I just don't know if she has the resources to work through this on her own, which i'm starting to feel is the case. I don't want to tell her what to do, but I really don't think she knows what to do. I tried recommending some books in my last email, but she didn't say anything so I don't know.

 

What a week! sheesh. I feel very different today, its a new kind of surreal.

[loveratud]

Sounds like you're saying the right things man. Stay strong.

[Island Girl]

Ok, things just took an odd turn, and I hope I did the right thing. My gf, emailed me and said that she had decided to hold out for a job interview this coming week, and that if she didn't get the job she would come back. She asked me to be patient with her, and that she knew this was hard on me.

 

She acknowledged that it has been hard on you here. But then later she blows it off?!

 

Ok. So I emailed back saying that I was grateful for the break as it allowed to me find myself again, and that we both had some stuff to work on, and that she should take the next couple of months to clarify who she was and what she wanted in our relationship. I said I would think about being patient, but that I was dealing with a lot of pain and that I couldn't do it right away.

 

Okay -- this is all great. The "both have stuff to work on" was GREAT! And allowing you to find yourself again -- great too.

 

 

She emailed today saying that she had just received a scholarship for one more term and so she was going to stay. She didn't acknowledge what I had written, didn't even mention it. Then she sent another email, asking how I was and what I was doing, and that she going to play soccer. WTF!?

 

WTF?!!! IS RIGHT!

 

She just blew it off? How thoughtless. She mentioned she knows how hard this has been and then disregards an e-mail about your thoughts and feelings? Self centered and immature to say the least.

 

Get angry about that. Really. It is blatant disregard for your end of the relationship.

 

I responded with a brief congratulations, but I asked her to now pay attention to my previous emails and to address what I had said in them. I said that we cannot continue to just send emails as though nothing had happened (advice from this forum *phewph*), I told her she had hurt me, and that I needed her to take responsibility for that. I said take some time and really think about *us* and then get back to me when you are ready.

 

Thank GAWD you had already gathered yourself enough to be focused and not just allow her to blow by what you had said in the e-mails.

 

Problems like this tend to get worse the more times it happens -- it develops into a pattern where one partner's needs are ignored or even later it can get to the point where the neglected party is made to feel THEY have the problem and shouldn't even voice their thoughts or feelings unless they are positive.

 

I really dont think she has any idea what she put me through. I said I need her to demonstrate that she is serious about working through this, as serious as she is about school and work.

 

I don't think she has any idea or even can conceptualize what you have been through.

 

I am glad you stated your feelings again. And this time with more of a serious tone. Please remember it won't -- and can't really -- happen all at once.

 

The first step is acknowledgment. She isn't even there yet. And sincere change along with reparations can't happen until a person understands what they did.

 

Don't push the demonstration idea right now. Just getting her acknowledge TRUTHFULLY that she understands how you feel and what part she played in that sounds like it will be difficult enough.

 

The idea that she demonstrate is not something that should be demanded. She should be offering it in her actions -- and that can only happen when she really knows what she did and that the consequence is you have pulled back a bit.

 

What I find amazing is that in a matter of a week it has gone from her taking a break from our relationship, asking me to give her space, to me asking her to step back and to take some time to do exactly what she said she needed to do. Had I not read about NC and not rushing back into the old intimacy, I think I would have taken her emails as a signal that we were fine again and not questioned it. Either way, I can't go back.

 

I can't tell if YOU think it is a positive change but I do. And you should if you don't.

 

Imagine how bad that would be for your self esteem, self respect, and HER respect for you if she was just allowed to ignore your feelings. That isn't a relationship worth being in. Is it? A relationship where how you feel is ignored and only her thought and emotions matter?

 

I think I took my first step in acting like the man I should be. I'm concerned we broke NC too soon now, but it was at her choice, so I'm not sure how strict I should be in the coming weeks.

 

Yeah - I'm a little concerned for you too - this is new to you. Your new found self has not been around for enough time to really get empowered by him. That is my concern.

 

As far as how strict the NC is - well now you have had contact. So now you are kind of in Reduced Contact.

 

If she sends an e-mail that blows by what you have said - again - or dances around it. I wouldn't respond. If you DO respond, please don't respond right away. She should have been put in a position where she was sweating you -- then you would know you are important to her (that gives you a little power back) and then rebuilding can begin.

 

 

That is, if she doesn't know what she's doing or how to work through this, should I break NC from time to time to talk to her about things I'm working on and make suggestions for what she could be doing?

 

She has to want it - or it doesn't matter. I'm sorry to have to say that but it is true.

 

You suggesting what she could do differently isn't going to be taken seriously if she isn't in the relationship 100%.

 

And I fear telling her what you're up to won't be acknowledged just like the stuff she's missed already. It will only matter to her if she wants the relationship.

 

 

The thing is I don't want to be her therapist and her bf at the same time.

 

Good. You shouldn't be her therapist. Boyfriends are what we want. You don't want to get to the point where you empathize and sympathize so well that you lose your masculinity -- become somewhat of a eunuch Too much of that turns you into a person she cares about - she feels better about herself because of you but you are not viewed as a possible partner anymore.

 

I want to be her bf, and let her sort this out, I just don't know if she has the resources to work through this on her own, which i'm starting to feel is the case.

 

She has friends and her family to talk to. She also has counseling through school and possibly through work. If she wants to talk to someone she'll find someone to talk to.

 

 

I don't want to tell her what to do, but I really don't think she knows what to do. I tried recommending some books in my last email, but she didn't say anything so I don't know.

 

She does have a brain right? I mean I am not trying to be rude but you guys progressed very well in the beginning. She just got a scholarship for school. --- College right?

She watches the same movies, etc. that you do. She knows a lot more than you'd think. Don't be so quick to paint her as naive about the ways of love and relationships. It is dangerous for you to think that way. It gives her a "pass" when her behavior should be addressed. I imagine this could be how this problem started.

 

What a week! sheesh. I feel very different today, its a new kind of surreal.

 

Good. Keep it going.

 

And remember she is an adult who is responsible for her own behavior. Treat her as one. She has been taught all along about getting along with people.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Your doing the right thing believe in your covictions and yourself. I think she was thinking about seeing someone else and couldnt tell you about it. That's why she distanced herself. So she wouldnt feel guilt. Also about this finding yourself crap, it's crap. She wanted to play the field just a little bit without you interfering. I'm sorry to crap in your breakfast cereal. but have you uncovered anything of what she was doing?

 

I think there's more to the story than you realize, but I could be wrong.

 

You were right in telling her to think about your feelings and act like nothing happened. Some people are like that. They trample all over you and act like it's no big deal. And then when they truly mess up they want to sweep it under the rug like it'll go away.

 

It doesnt work like that in the real world.

[Island Girl]

Hey there -- what has been happening?