A closure e-mail?

[Heartache11]

Hi everyone. My ex broke up with me 3 weeks ago after a 2 1/2 year relationship. He was somewhat emotionally abusive in our relationship and there are a lot of negatives about it that I tired to ignore. He would never tell me how he felt and ignore my feelings. Nonetheless, I am still heartbroken that he could just throw away our love. I do not understand his reasoning and he is completely immature when I tried to discuss the break-up with him.

 

He called me two days after we broke up while drunk saying how much he cares about me but when I called him back the next day he said we can't talk. We've had contact here and there, that only leaves me more upset. Our last conversation he said I am an amazing girl but he doesn't have feelings anymore. And also that everytime he has kissed me the past 2 months, he hasn't wanted to.

 

Basically, I am pretty upest in the way he is handling this and I just want a final conversation where he is honest and I can move onward. I have written him an e-mail explaining how I feel and that I'm not trying to make him change his mind, but I just want to understand so I can move ahead. I want to send it but I'm not so sure that's a good idea. The last e-mail like this I sent him (like 6 months ago when we had a little fight) he just deleted. Do you think I should try to get over this without sending the e-mail or should I send it? Thanks.

[Guest XYZ]

Heartache,

 

I think many of us here understand your need to send that one last email. I did it (what a mistake that was). All I can say is once you can see past the emotional turmoil that follows a breakup you can see that he already told you why. What else can he say that makes it anymore clearer?

 

I say write until your hand falls off if it makes you feel better but do NOT send it. Even if you are saying its only for closure (I said that too) deep deep down it really wasn't. It's trying to maintain contact. It's a roundabout way trying to get them to see they have made a mistake by letting you go.

 

How many of us having written emails from our souls only to have them ignored? Its rejection all over again and its self-inflicted pain. Do not do that to yourself.

[Heartache11]

Well, he called again last night somewhat drunk. We talked about his life for 15 minutes and then he asked how I was and it started to lead into why this. Then he ignored talking to me about it and just didn't respond and started humming. Meanwhile, I was crying my eyes out. He used going to bed as an excuse to stop talking to me and said we'd talk when he's sober. He called and woke me up this morning so I asked if we could talk again when I was more awake. He said whatever and he'll call in the next few days. I'm thinking instead to just send the e-mail and hope for a response. Thought anyone?

[Guest]

 

How many of us having written emails from our souls only to have them ignored? Its rejection all over again and its self-inflicted pain. Do not do that to yourself.

 

 

Thank you for your opinion Guest XYZ. I think deep down I know that sending it will only hurt me more. But I have been so emotionally hurt by him the past 2 1/2 years that I feel like I purposely cause more pain for myself. It's like an addiction, a cycle. I pick up the phone when he calls, I listen to his stories, I let him laugh and ignore when I try talking, and then I just cry to him. I know what he is doing is absolutely wrong but I can't take myself out of it. But I guess the first step is not sending this e-mail.

[Sun_Conure]

Don't. I did that many times and, as Guest XYZ, the hidden purpose of those emails is to make them see what they are loosing here. It will not help you and he will call back. Once he calls back, your email will be viewed as a dramatical gesture and as nothing. At least that is how my ex looked at all my "final" emails.

 

But it is a good idea to write it and then send it as a draft. Do this, if in several days you still feel like sending it, then send it. After I started saving emails before sending them, I stopped sending anything to my ex bf. I usually needed couple of hours to realize that I did not really want to send that email. But it was good to get it out of my system.

[Guest XYZ]

Believe me we all understand.

 

He wanted this breakup. He has to learn to stand on his own 2 feet. there is no safety net. He made his choice now he needs to be an adult and live with it.

 

Its been 4 months since my breakup and not a day goes by that I don't want to call, email etc. I am only now starting to realize how much my EX DID care by going NC. I am not strong enough yet. Thank God he is.

 

There was a song in the 70's I believe you younger people might not know. It was called "Cruel to be Kind" by Nick Lowe. Listen to it.

 

He is making himself feel better, not you. Right now any contact is giving you mixed messages. He doesn't care as long as you are there for him.

 

Its hard to see I know. I've been there, alot of us have. Its like going cold turkey from a drug. He made his choice. He either comes back fully or leaves you alone. Its not fair to you. I hope you will see that.

 

You need to time alone so you can see it clearly for what it is. Be honest. Everytime he calls you see hope right?

[Guest XYZ]

One last thing. It became one last email. One last email. One last email. I can't begin to say how many one last emails there were. You spend so much wasted time should i or shouldn't I have sent it. Did they read it? Did they delete it? Why didn't they answer? What DOES THAT MEAN? I've done it and I still wonder what it all means.

 

From a simple email you have opened a can of worms that will have you doubting your sanity. Checking your email 100 times an hr.

 

I know how much this hurts. Alot of us do. Think of it this way there is enough pain without you inflicting more on yourself.

 

I couldn't believe over meant OVER. I could not accept it for a long time. Some days I still can't. If my EX was calling me I hate to say it but I would pick up too and listen and be supportive. it would make me feel better right then and hurt me in the long run.

 

I know its hard to see but its the truth.

 

I hope the pain clears enough for you to see that.

[Heartache11]

But it is a good idea to write it and then send it as a draft. Do this, if in several days you still feel like sending it, then send it. After I started saving emails before sending them, I stopped sending anything to my ex bf. I usually needed couple of hours to realize that I did not really want to send that email. But it was good to get it out of my system.

 

That is what I did. I typed it in a word document and I've told myself not to send it. I even IMed him and asked him instead of him calling soon that he let me send him an e-mail so I can explain how I feel and he can give me an honest response. Every time we talk on the phone I choke up. He said no. I can't believe the control he has over me and that I can't get over this.

[Guest]

I couldn't believe over meant OVER. I could not accept it for a long time. Some days I still can't. If my EX was calling me I hate to say it but I would pick up too and listen and be supportive. it would make me feel better right then and hurt me in the long run.

 

I know its hard to see but its the truth.

 

I hope the pain clears enough for you to see that.

 

Thank you Guest XYZ. This is actually how I'm feeling. We just got off the phone. I kept asking him and crying to him to explain why he wants to do this, how he can just give up. He kept saying I don't know, I still care about you but not in that way. He said he needs this now.

 

Our relationship was us being too much like a old, married couple. I said we could have worked on that but he doesn't want me. I guess it's time to really move on. No more contact, no more waiting for him to IM me. Maybe one day he'll see what a great thing he is giving up. Thank you for your advice. Hopefully, I can move pass this and see what a terrible person he was to me.

[Sun_Conure]

Heartache11

 

Well, now you know he does not want to see that email from you. What is the point of sending it then?

 

What did you want to explain anyway?

[D-Lish]

It's hard to break free of a relationship such as you're describing.

 

You are right- he is controlling, and he is insensitive... and he is treating you poorly. You stated he was emotionally abusive when you were together. Is that a future you want to endure with a partner? I can guarantee that there are great guys out there who would treat you with respect and reciprocate your love.

 

Everytime you contact him or pick up the phone, you let him know how much power he has over you....and you humiliate yourself.

The only way to regain control is to stop talking to him, stop taking his calls, stop being nice to him. You think that if you don't keep in contact that he'll walk away and forget about you...but the opposite is true.

 

Right now you are giving him the green light to treat you badly. He hums when you cry??? That's freakin' horrible. Don't accept horrible, because you don't have to.

 

Start asking yourself what choices you can make right now.

More often than not, we let people treat us badly when we don't feel good about ourselves. Perhaps working on feeling good about yourself is a good place to start. When you have respect and confidence in yourself, you won't put up with a jacka$$.

[Guest]

It's hard to break free of a relationship such as you're describing.

 

Start asking yourself what choices you can make right now.

More often than not, we let people treat us badly when we don't feel good about ourselves. Perhaps working on feeling good about yourself is a good place to start. When you have respect and confidence in yourself, you won't put up with a jacka$$.

 

D-Lish, you are absolutely right. I don't feel good about myself, and he is the one who caused this. I need to get out of it. I'm still young, just 20. He is 3 years older than me, didn't go to college, drinks and gets high a lot, and doesn't have any direction. He calls me up when drunk and calls me names. He doesn't value all I have done for him and given to him. Meanwhile, I was top of my class, am taking on a double major at college, and have a promising future. I have done such a good job of convincing myself these years that it doesn't matter and that it's love, that I've destroyed my values and beliefs.

 

Believe me, I see what he is doing to me and that I need to get out. I know hes bad for me, I can do so much better, and I deserve someone who respects me. But I fall weak everytime. I've gotten so accustomed to him hurting me that I bring myself purposely into it.

 

After our phone call tonight, I know I need to move forward. Nothing is going to change, and even if it did, I shouldn't want it to. He's a horrible human being. I guess I will continue to look back at this thread and LS everytime I feel weak. Hopefully, everyone's great advice and comments will be my inspiration. Deep down, I know not contacting him is the best thing I could do. I just want him to hurt too, see how much he has hurt me, and regret his decision. I don't want him to walk away thinking he's great and I'm crazy.

 

 

Sorry for the rant!

[Cossette4]

Yeah, the above posters are all right. Even though today has not been the best day for me, one of the things that DOES make me feel good is knowing I haven't had any contact with my ex for 5 and a half months! The first two months, I was you: calling. emailing, begging to meet face to face. And even though my ex wasn't controlling or emotionally abusive in the relationship, he certainly became a huge douche after we broke up. He KNEW he had the power and every time we had contact I felt humiliated and worth nothing and he KNEW it.

 

The best thing you can do for YOU is NO MORE CONTACT. Not only will you feel better, but it will drive your power-hungry ex crazy. Yes, you still may be crying your eyes out alone in your bedroom, but your ex might think you are dancing the night away with your new guy BECAUSE HE HAS HEARD NOTHING FROM YOU. You send the email, however, and he will KNOW you are crying in your bedroom.

 

I sometimes wonder what my ex thinks about me since he hasn't heard from me in almost half a year. It is possible he doesn't even think of me at all, but if he does, he's gotta be assuming I'm over it, I don't need him or love him, I probably have someone new, etc. And even though I'm still totally stuggling, I don't plan on EVER making HIM know that because he doesn't deserve to.

[Crazy for Crazy]

I can certainly relate to your situation in some respects. The sexes are reversed (I'm a guy), and my ex wasn't controlling at all, but she always had problems with her feelings, always had to act 'above it all', and only really expressed her feelings when she was drunk or feeling especially lovey-dovey.

 

The girl, after 3 years, still had trouble saying "I love you" because, to quote her talking to her friend "He knows I love him, I don't have to keep saying it every day".

 

And in much the same respect, when we broke up I got two different versions of her: The side that came out after she had a couple, telling me how sorry she was, and how she really did love me but couldn't take the next step (we were due to move in with each other or basically never see each other again) and she was so sorry, and us talking only hurt her more and she couldn't deal with that. The other side was sober her, keeping a stiff upper lip, being dismissive of everything, etc.

 

It's been a couple months now and I only broke down to talk with her once after the initial week or so long break up.

 

Either he wants to be with you or he doesn't. Either he'll go through every effort to be with you or he won't. Baby steps here and there won't cut it, because he didn't do enough during the relationship to deserve that. He needs to really stick his neck out for once and DO IT. Tell yourself that over and over again, because it's true. I know it's hard- truly believing that deep down he wants you but isn't ready. But that's his problem now. You're a single girl, go have fun.

 

We're in a similar situation, just about it, I'm just a few months ahead of you. Don't send an email to convince them of anything, and certainly don't send an email to get him to really explain his emotions or the situation or whatever. If our situations are really that alike, then I have to ask if he couldn't confide in you then concerning his serious, heartfelt thoughts regarding you during the relationship, what makes you think he will/can now? He won't. Save yourself the trouble. Either he'll come back wanting you or he won't. Either option is better than putting yourself at his mercy again.

[Trialbyfire]

There was a song in the 70's I believe you younger people might not know. It was called "Cruel to be Kind" by Nick Lowe. Listen to it.

 

Hooleeee....were you reading my mind? I was thinking of that song while posting on Loveshack the other night. I had no idea if anyone else knew it so I didn't bother posting it. Btw, I'm not that old but I do know it too, lol.

 

Here it is:

 

Oh, I can't take another heartache,

Though you say you're my friend, I'm at my wits end!

You say you're love is bona fide,

But that don't coincide with the things that you do

And when I ask you to be nice, you say

 

You've gotta be

Cruel to be kind, in the right measure,

Cruel to be kind, it's a very good sign,

Cruel to be kind, means that I love you,

Baby, you've gotta be cruel to be kind

 

Well I do my best to understand dear,

But you still mystify, and I want to know why,

I pick myself off the ground

To have you knock me down again and again!

And when I ask you to explain, you say

 

You've gotta be

Cruel to be kind, in the right measure,

Cruel to be kind, it's a very good sign,

Cruel to be kind, means that I love you,

Baby, you've gotta be cruel to be kind

 

Repeat of the Chorus and the last stanza...

[Guest XYZ]

T/J

 

TBF,

 

LOL. I AM that old. I was a teenager when that song came out and I had no idea what that term meant "Cruel To Be Kind". Sometimes I hate learning new things.

 

end T/J

 

Heartache,

 

Do not send the email. It will only give you MORE heartache.

[Heartache11]

T/J

 

Heartache,

 

Do not send the email. It will only give you MORE heartache.

 

Hey! I don't know why it's not logging me in but I posted what happened under guest a few posts back. I think it got mixed in the jumble. But basically, yes, I do realize I need to not send the e-mail and avoid contact. It is the only way to go at this point. He's hurt me, and he'll get out of this feeling all great, so I shouldn't sit here and mope around. I actually went out and played tennis this afternoon after classes and I'm going out to dinner with some friends I hope I can keep this attitude up.

[Heartache11]

Well, here I am again. He called me tonight and we talked for 45 minutes about life and mostly about what is happening in his. He says he misses talking to someone about random things but not our relationship. I tried not to bring up the relationship too much and keep my cool. I'm not too upset. I guess it comes down to should I talk to him and be the better person and let him see what he's missing or should I ignore his calls and not be at his convenience. Because at the same time, I feel like it may just start our cycle again.

 

He said he'd promise to look at things again one day "eventually" and made it clear to me we were broken up still.