boyfriend wants time apart :(

[alexa137]

[sIZE=2]my boyfriend of about a year told me the other day he doesnt know what he wants anymore--he wants time apart to think--the hard part is that we live together in the same house and he wont be moving out for at least a week or so--we have been sleeping in the same bed and having sex everynight still! but i think i will tell him that starting tonight to sleep on the couch--

you see the problem was i was checking his cell phone calls--he was on my account and i paid the bill so...but anyways it was wrong and i admitted it and told him it would never happen again and i promised him if he would give me a second chance-i wrote numerous letters and cards expressing my feelings i know he loves me alot and he still says he does but this is really difficult because hes the first boyfriend that actually lasted this long and that i lived with--we were very close and intimate everyday and ive done things with him ive never done before! he bought me 2 rings one for love when i returned home from vacation in the summertime and a diamond ring for my bday in october--he told me forever and wanted me to have his baby etc...i know its love because ive lost 14 lbs the past couple weeks of stress and ive been crying nonstop for 4 days-i just cant see myself with anyone else-i want only him! also i had my own apartment he moved in and then wanted me out of the "ghetto" so weve been renting a house, he pays the rent and now all of a sudden hes tired of me taking all his paychecks for rent but he knew this! he pays rent i pay everything else--but now i have to move back to the ghetto because i have no choice because of my income and i'm a single mother--but hes going to move in with his brothers! we just moved here in oct and now i have to pay march myself and worry about moving! part of me wants him here because i love him--but it hurts too much to see him and now sure if he wants me or not--so part of me wants him to leave asap! help!

[/sIZE]

[kitten chick]

You have to respect his wishes and give him space, however, he made a financial commitment to the house with you so he needs to pay the rent or at least part of it until the contract is up. But for goodness sakes, stop having sex with this man until he makes up his mind.

[eloquent]

agreed, he wants to take a break, that means you give him a break from sex too. He doesn't need the physical if he can't give you the emotional. I think you should agree to a break--let him know that you respect his wish. The less clingy you seem, the more he is likely to see you as someone who will let him have his own space when he needs it.

[alexa137]

i know i guess i was hoping it would help him realize that i dont want him to leave! but thats wrong-the hard part like i said before is that we live together and for the past year have had sex at least once a day! and he paid for feb but not sure what he will give for march since his jeep broke down this morning and cost him alot of $$--but i made an agreement with the landlord that i will pay half of march and have to be out by march 17th--hopefully i will somewhere else by then! another difficult thing is i am so bored which makes it harder--i spent all weekend shopping and just taking rides because i dont want to be in this house--too many memories! my friends the few i have dont really have time for me or dont want to hear my problems since they hve problems of their own

and the only family i have is my mom and dad and i usually like to be alone when i get depressed-ive thought about counseling also

[ratingsguy]

...i spent all weekend shopping and just taking rides because i dont want to be in this house--too many memories! my friends the few i have dont really have time for me or dont want to hear my problems since they hve problems of their own

and the only family i have is my mom and dad and i usually like to be alone when i get depressed-ive thought about counseling also

 

Well, not to sound like an ogre, but the last thing you should do if you're having issues with the rent is shop! Your money should be going to the landlord, not your local mall. Let's get your priorities straight here.

 

Although I understand your desire to get out of the house... but use that time more productively... maybe get a part-time job on the weekends, go take a walk, whatever. I'm kind of there with you... my weekends lately have been dreadful... I hate them because I loved to spend them with my ex... now it's just me. One thing I did on Saturday that was kind of fun was drive down to the airport and park under the approach path for landing aircraft. It was so cool to watch 747s part my hair just a mere 200-300 feet above my head. Point being, it took my mind off things.

 

I also wish more of my friends were more willing to hear my problems, but I know they have problems of their own. But there's one or two that I know I can call anytime... and if they were in the same situation, I would gladly extend the same offer to them. There has to be one person in your life to whom you can tell anything. If they're a good enough friend, they'll understand the nonsense you're going through and be willing to lend an ear. If you feel you need couseling, there's nothing wrong with going down that road also. I've begun to explore that option myself.

 

And yes, for God's sake stop sleeping with him! Once he's out of the house, you definately need to go NC for a while if not for good. It will be better for you in the long run.

 

Good luck... and know that we're here for you.

[alexa137]

i wasnt saying i was going on a shopping spree! just browsing and getting neccessities! but itried with a note when he got home last night to please sleep on the couch because it hurt too much to lay beside him not knowing if he wants to be with me or not so he got a little mad and i said you cant be mad you have to respect my wishes since you want time--well that only lasted 2 hours! he said the couch was making him sick! so he jumped into bed but i didnt let him touch me, but he tried! we talked a little bit more but still wants time and i told him i dont know how much time i can wait etc

i alread have 2 part time jobs which is already hard with a child being a single parent--so getting another would really stress me out

i just sit home and clean and watch tv, sleep etc...

[Guest]

I agree with the others there's nothing you can do except respect his wishes. You need to stop having sex with him and sleeping in the same bed!!! Why are you rewarding him? He can do want he wants and still have sex with you? Wow he's got it made.

 

If all it took was sex to fix a relationship we'd all be going at it like bunnies.

 

I know you love him but you need to love and respect yourself more. Maintain as much NC as possible until he leaves. Stay with a friend if you can even for a day or two.

[alexa137]

oh this is so stressful i just wish i could find a way to make him understand that i will change and will never do it again-he makes it seem like i really did a terrible thing! he said i embarrassed him especially in front of family! well i believe if you love someone you never quit! i would forgive him! we talked again last night but im running out of words to say-i just said i leave it up to him, he knows all my feelings, that i want only him but what confuses me is that he doesnt want me to leave him alone! i dont call him really-maybe 1 or 2 times over the weekend, only sent 1 text to see if he was alright since i he didnt come home for like 9 hours(which is not like him) i guess he just trying to stay away from me-its so hard still living together-when i see him i cant look at him because i just want to break down and cry all the time! he says he doesnt want to see me hurting but that already done! i guess i dont want to undestand his reason for wanting time but i wish he would move out sooner-he paid for feb so hes entitled to be there til next week--i just want to find a way to win him back-ive sent lots of letters, poems, song lyrics and cards-what else is there?

[Guest]

Was else is there???

 

STOP sending poems and cards and love letters and anything else. Stop having sex with him. If he wants out let him see what that means. And no booty calls once he's moved.

 

He's using the embarrassment as an excuse of leave. Please tell me you know that?

 

There is nothing attractive about clingy people. Trust me I bet most of us have made the mistake you are now doing. It doesn't work!!!

 

You need to do a 180 on his ass.

 

Here it is:

For those that are interested in Michelle Weiner Davis's divorce busting 180 degree list, here it is:

 

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or

implore.

2. No frequent phone calls.

3. Do not point out good points in marriage.

4. Do not follow him/her around the house.

5. Do not encourage talk about the future.

6. Do not ask for help from family members.

7. Do not ask for reassurances.

8. Do not buy gifts.

9. Do not schedule dates together.

10. Do not spy on spouse.

11. Do not say "I Love You".

12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.

13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.

14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.

15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.

16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.

17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.

18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing

19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him/her someone he/she would want to be around.

20. All questions about marriage should be put on

hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).

21. Never lose your cool.

22. Don't be overly enthusiastic.

23. Do not argue about how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger).

24. Be patient

25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.

26. Learn to back off, shut up and possibly walk away.

27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).

28. Be strong and confident.

29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest

CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.

30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.

31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.

32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because they are hurting and scared.

33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.

34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes.

 

 

 

2 things to think about if you do this:

 

1) You have to do the 180 list NOT to be manipulative but because it's the right thing to do for you. You have to heal from this experience. You have to back off for your own sanity now. You have to have a plan and know that you will be a better person with or without them after all is said and done -- that you will live and learn and move on no matter what. So you have to be geniune when you follow these ideas, rather than faking it and being insincere because your only goal is to get them back.

 

That's not what you want to do. Having a certain person as our spouse is not a need, it's a want. When I wrote down a list of all the definite needs in my life, I realized that almost everything beyond food, clothing and shelter is a want. 10 seconds after I looked at the list, I stopped making decisions based on emotion. That's when I realized that my wanting to have her was causing me to beg and plead for her to come back. That was driving her away more so I stopped doing it immediately. In doing my own version of the 180 list I could tell nearly an immediate change in her behavior.

 

2) Realize that when your spouse/partner sees your new attitude they are very likely to be a little jealous or at least have some curiosity about what's going on in your life to cause this change. However, they very well may react the same way towards you for some time (especially if they read books or go to message boards also). REALIZE that this tactic can also work simultaneously on you if the spouse/partner begins to likewise. Be aware of it and plan to have your own feelings of jealousy and curiosity in advance. However, like with #1 above, if you're doing the 180 list to better yourself and everyone involved, then it will matter less what they are doing.

[alexa137]

still miserable--i decided to sleep on the couch til about midnight but too uncomfrtable--he offered because he thought that is what i wanted didnt really talk much at all last night-left him alone but i did notice he was in his safe in the bedroom and saw that he took out the envelope of pictures(sexy) that i gave him and put them in the drawer of his nightstand! i was shocked and scared! tryign to figure out what it means--wrote him one last letter with excerpts from songs and poems and he found it laying on the table becasuse i wasnt sure if i was gonna give it to him so i asked if they bothered him and he said no so i said go ahead and take it then-i was crying on the couch and i said to him i know you are going to leave me anyways slept in same bed but tried to to be far away from each other

i wonder if hes gonna give the pics back to me? i guess that would indicate no hope for getting back together

[alexa137]

[sIZE=2]think if he didnt still live with me it would be better not saying i wouldnt still be miserable but the fact that hes still here makes me wonder--i dont talk to him except if he asks questions usually about mail, dog, etc...nothing pertaining to us--and i somewhat ignore him-i havent brought anything about our relationship since sun. he wants time and also to live seperately again--when i told him to give me another chance the other night he said"you act like i'm not ever gonna give you another chance" but i'm stressing over him living here and just found out i cant move back the apt complex i was in before for at least 1-2 months-i cant afford the rent here its triple than what i was paying by myself before dont know what to do dont have nowhere to go

i just wish i knew how long he is planning on staying here--he could move in less than 5 mins all he has are a bag of clothes and a tv! i have a houseful of furniture and the basement is full of my storage! i have so much stress coming to me i cant eat and when i do i get nausea!

[/sIZE]

[Guest]

I thought he was leaving in a week? Have those plans changed? If they have then get busy doing some research for a place to live. I am sure there are more than 2 apartment complexes where you live. Check into getting a roommate to help with the bills. Listen I've been where you are in the past and I thought I was going to go insane.

 

PLEASE stop with the romantic letters. You can't "reason" with him into staying together. You are only pushing him further away and hurting yourself in the process when you don't get a response. If anything you are convincing him he's doing the right thing because you are NOT respecting his wishes. Surely you wouldn't want him staying out of guilt.

 

We are all telling you the same thing but I fear you are not ready to listen.

[alexa137]

i am not sure how long he plans on staying here-he never said but could be anytime-he paid rent for feb so who knows! i'm scared to ask--and he doesnt say--but like i said before he could do it in less than an hour! im done with the letters i have nothing else to say-i told him sunday its all up to him! theres nothing else i can do but leave him alone--but i wish he wasnt here!

i only have one choice to move to--i am low income single mother i have two jobs but the pay is bad and places here are over $700 a month and i can only afford about $400--the few friends that i have are already settles in there houses etc..no option there and parents say theres no room--i mean i am 36 and have been on my own since 18

i do regret this last move though-before we were lviing together in my apt so i could kick him out at this point my the lease is in both our names!

[Guest]

My heart aches for you. As if you don't have enough to deal with with 2 kids and 2 jobs. I am kinda in the same position but not as bad as you are as I have no children.

 

I know you are are scared but you need to find out what his plans are. Is he on the lease?

 

It's horrible when a breakup not only effects your relationship but your financial well-being as well.

 

The most important thing are the kids and you and a place to live. That is why you NEED to find out what his plans are.

 

 

Hugs

[Speedo]

Well, I agree with the advice from the poster above about what to do and not do. However, I think this is next to impossible to do so long as he is physically living with you. I am always amazed at how many people actually live with a g/f or b/f. I personally would never live with my partner until married. That's another story. First things first. You have to get out of this living arrangement..AWAY from him. It may seem impossible right now financially, etc. but it's not. You have friends, you have family. I don't care what it takes, make it happen. I don't think you can even begin to heal until you are physically separated. Whatever it takes to make that happen, no matter how difficult it is, this is an absolute must. I would focus all of your energy into getting this done. Make it a goal to get out by such and such date, and stick with it. I believe once you are separated from him you're half way there. Then, you can take the good relationship advice you've been given here.

[alexa137]

it is impossible to move anywhere else--i have to stay here til march 17th or maybe longer since i cant get into new apartment for about 1-2 months! i have nowhere-all my family is in south america

well i just spent 4 hours in the ER with heart palpatations, anxiety attack, nausea, etc... put me on xanax and going to start seeing a counselor

ex texted me earlier asking me to call him i didnt just texted him back saying i was in the er and he texted why and i said heart problems

he walked in a few mins after and didnt say anything but why isnt the tv on how rude!

when i went upstairs to take bath he asked me why i was in the er and nothing said after that

i guess hes playing that he doesnt care or whatever so i took my bath took a few deep breathes and took the xanax i realize i get panicky when i am here mostly which sucks bcause i am always here other than when im working

[Lizeytish]

i have no children here, cook , clean, pay rent and when everything doesnt go his way he threatens to kick me out knowing I have no place to go. It is like his security, his power over me. I felt so hopeless and he knew everytime he threatened to kick me out it just reminded me of my childhood and being put up for adoption. He uses that to make me powerless over him. Don't let that happen. I know, I am the most guilty. I am pleading with you don't let him do that to you. After some time, it takes control, all of a sudden you don't feel like yourself anymore.

 

You feel controled and believe me he knows he has control. You feel helpless, you loose all your self esteem. You begin to feel that things are getting better when once again he ridiculus you, dominates you and tries to control you. You loose all your friends because they love you but they can't watch it happen. All of a sudden you are all alone. Please don't let this happen. I know what it feels like. I have to go cause he is near but i willl talk to you soon., Don't let him take it all away from you.

[alexa137]

ok i did a wrong move last night! we had sex and both of us just couldnt help it we were laying there both horny at ever and i said i will be back forgot to do something and when downstairs on the couch with my vibrator he knew and asked if i had fun! and he keep trying i said no i cant he was like cmon baby and i said look if you do you will have a baby because i stopped taking the pill like 4 days ago! he said good! oh i know he loves me i saw pictures of me that he put in a box on his nightstand his favorite one--yesterday was a better day he was very sick and i of course the good person that i am took care of him he was in bed all day and i dont think in the year ive known him has he ever done that! til actually 5:30pm! i g ave him medicine ginger ale, etc.... we talked ok all day and night nothing about us or relationship jsut the basics--and when he tried to have sex with me i tried my best not to ask or anything about the subject of him wanting time-now i really think i regret it--after the hospital visit and with the xanax i slept better last night and my appetite is coming back but im not sure if today is gonna be good-i cant start couseling until next friday and have no one to talk to--i want to text message him about saying that last night having sex was a mistake but dont know what t say--knowing damn well i want to know if he will give me another chance but im keeping my mouth shut as long as possible so far since sunday--good for me!

[alexa137]

Was else is there???

 

STOP sending poems and cards and love letters and anything else. Stop having sex with him. If he wants out let him see what that means. And no booty calls once he's moved.

 

He's using the embarrassment as an excuse of leave. Please tell me you know that?

 

There is nothing attractive about clingy people. Trust me I bet most of us have made the mistake you are now doing. It doesn't work!!!

 

You need to do a 180 on his ass.

 

Here it is:

For those that are interested in Michelle Weiner Davis's divorce busting 180 degree list, here it is:

 

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or

implore.

2. No frequent phone calls.

3. Do not point out good points in marriage.

4. Do not follow him/her around the house.

5. Do not encourage talk about the future.

6. Do not ask for help from family members.

7. Do not ask for reassurances.

8. Do not buy gifts.

9. Do not schedule dates together.

10. Do not spy on spouse.

11. Do not say "I Love You".

12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.

13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.

14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.

15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.

16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.

17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.

18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing

19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him/her someone he/she would want to be around.

20. All questions about marriage should be put on

hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).

21. Never lose your cool.

22. Don't be overly enthusiastic.

23. Do not argue about how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger).

24. Be patient

25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.

26. Learn to back off, shut up and possibly walk away.

27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).

28. Be strong and confident.

29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest

CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.

30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.

31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.

32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because they are hurting and scared.

33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.

34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes.

 

 

 

2 things to think about if you do this:

 

1) You have to do the 180 list NOT to be manipulative but because it's the right thing to do for you. You have to heal from this experience. You have to back off for your own sanity now. You have to have a plan and know that you will be a better person with or without them after all is said and done -- that you will live and learn and move on no matter what. So you have to be geniune when you follow these ideas, rather than faking it and being insincere because your only goal is to get them back.

 

That's not what you want to do. Having a certain person as our spouse is not a need, it's a want. When I wrote down a list of all the definite needs in my life, I realized that almost everything beyond food, clothing and shelter is a want. 10 seconds after I looked at the list, I stopped making decisions based on emotion. That's when I realized that my wanting to have her was causing me to beg and plead for her to come back. That was driving her away more so I stopped doing it immediately. In doing my own version of the 180 list I could tell nearly an immediate change in her behavior.

 

2) Realize that when your spouse/partner sees your new attitude they are very likely to be a little jealous or at least have some curiosity about what's going on in your life to cause this change. However, they very well may react the same way towards you for some time (especially if they read books or go to message boards also). REALIZE that this tactic can also work simultaneously on you if the spouse/partner begins to likewise. Be aware of it and plan to have your own feelings of jealousy and curiosity in advance. However, like with #1 above, if you're doing the 180 list to better yourself and everyone involved, then it will matter less what they are doing.

 

HOW THE HELL ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO DO ALL THIS WHEN YOU LIVE WITH THE PERSON AND THEY WONT MOVE OUT???

[alexa137]

ok i need advice please! everything seemed like it was getting better until last night he asked me where i was going and i said to see the chippendales(which i didnt was sold out) and i guess he got pissed or whatever so my friend and i just went to TGIFs and had a few drinks and rode around and i came home at 11pm--boyfriend(?) never came home=-he has never done that i got worried about 1am and texted him to see if he was ok and no answers--didnt get to sleep til 3am and woke up at 7am and he walks in! said he lost his phone and was at a strip club in wva! i couldnt believe it! i think he did it in spite! argued because he thought i was being his "mom" by asking him to call me i was just worried! said he was sorry and went to work-still said he loves me but needs time apart--wel i said than apart mean not see each other--then he checks in every 4-5 hours for a few mins and leaves-i texted him about how traumatic this situation is and asked him if decided when he was moving out he got mad and said i was being smart! that he had until wed the end of the month

i texted him that he can stay here but not right to be in my bed! i texted him does he want me to hate him? no responses! this is getting really difficult! i want to just get up and leave but cant with a daughter and nowhere else to go! today was bad cried alot! he is here now sleeping on the couch guess hes in for the night and i am going up to my bed!