SuziwithaQ Posted January 10, 2007 Share Posted January 10, 2007 OK, so I just joined this site yesterday and already there is so much wisdom to be found here so I know it is a good thing for me. Here is my situation. About 4 years ago, I started chatting with a guy from another site who was 26 and I was 34. A lighthearted flirtation started but I didn't take it seriously because of the 8-year age difference. Two years later, He found out I was going to a site event and basically went there to meet me. It was great meeting him and we hit it off and started an LDR. It was kept light for awhile but then I really started to fall for him. He made me feel like the most beautiful girl in the world. At first I wasn't all that attracted to him, but his personality is so charasmatic, and we had such a strong bond that I began to fall hard. I never really thought about relocating until he moved to a city I had tried to move to before--he knew this and encouraged me to explore the job opportunity that came up and we thought it would be great to date like "normal people". Ya know, not the 72-hour date. This guy has always been a flirt--but being one myself, I was not threatened by it until I started to fall in love. Still I bided my time and didn't push. At around our 2-year mark (I had been in the same city with him for 6 months), he finally told me he loved me and wanted to make our relationship exclusive. I was elated--my wildest dream come true. Unfortunately, 2 days later he ended up in the hospital after being intimate with me--nothing like this had ever happened with us before. He got tested for every STD and the screens were clean. The only thing the doctors could come up with was that he was allergic to a yeast infection cream I had used. He was so upset (understandably) and angry that this ruined our new found love discovery. It took him about a month to come back around and tell me that he loved me and that we were going to work through all of this. Fast forward to 2 months ago. We had just gone to our first wedding together of a good friend of his. We had a blast and it was such a stepping stone for us. We had to drive 7 hours to the beach and spent the whole time enjoying our weekend together. The eternal bachelor had introduced everyone to his "girlfriend" and I really felt like this was a step in the right direction. I know that he likes his bachelorhood--going out with the boys, etc. I'm a very laid-back girlfriend--I never push. One night, he started telling me that he wasn't sure if he could do this--that he started thinking after the wedding that he doesn't know if he can remain faithful right now. I asked if there was someone he was interested in and he assured me no--but he didn't want the responsibility of a full-on relationship. I was crushed. We continued to hash it out and he starts bawling--I mean full on crying. This is a guy you don't see crying. He kept saying how he didn't want to lose me. That if he felt ready, I am the one he would want to settle down with. But he is at the beginning of a new career, still newish to the city, he travels extensively for work, etc. We talked about when we are with each other, we are so good--but when he gets crazy with work and has to travel, he begins to lose his desire to work at the relationship. He knows it isn't fair to me and doesn't want to hurt me in the process. He also told me that he has deep-rooted anger towards his Mom. His mom has been married 3 times and cheated on all of the husbands--his dad may actually be the husband from the first marriage that she had an affair with during the second marriage. He agreed that maybe he should seek counseling about this. He also admitted to a couple of indiscretions--these were before our actual "commitment" stage. He said he was afraid he would do this again. He assured me that this really wasn't about other girls--he could care less about them. I know I sound like I'm making excuses for him, but I have given him every opportunity to tell me point blank that I just don't do it for him. He says, "I love talking to you, being with you, sharing things with you--you are so smart, gorgeous, and sexy, and loving, and perfect". And I say, "why can't I be enough for you?" He claims that its not that I'm not enough--it's just that he just wants to be the single guy for now without the responsibility that relationships hold. I've never pressured him about marriage--he's the one that started bringing it up. I pointed that out to him and said I think you put this pressure on yourself. He agreed. For now, we have decided to see each other and be free to see other people. He encouraged me to date because he doesn't want me to miss out on having fun, but admits that he would be crushed if I fell in love with someone else. Is it possible to take a step back and just date but continue to date him as well? After all, logically, it seems like a low-pressure way to continute to sort out what he wants in life and maybe give him the opportunity to continue a relationship with me without the perceived pressure he puts on himself. On the other hand, I think some of the advice about no contact may be the way to go. I'll be honest here--I love this man--he is my best friend, my love. I do not want to lose him. I can see advantages to both ways of handling this. If I go NC, I can truly open myself to other people and he may or may not realize what he lost--by the same turn, I may or may not want him back. If I continue to see him no pressure and see other people, I may still meet someone who can open their life to me OR he will decide to end it for good OR he may continue to bond with me and realize he doesn't want to lose me. Is it wrong of me to go the open relationship route? Does it ever work? Sorry this is so long......I'm just trying to deal. I'm in a new city (9 months) with few friends and a lot of time on my hands. Link to post Share on other sites
paris38 Posted January 10, 2007 Share Posted January 10, 2007 It must be really tough, I mean, you made a big change in your life by moving to another city and now he tells you to date other people.....I guess you have to take him at his word. He is telling you he doesn't plan on commitment with you, at least for the immediate future, possibly for good. What else can you do? Take the time you need to heal and when you feel ready, yes, start dating. You answered a lot of your own questions, maybe you will tire of waiting, or meet some other guy who will make you not want to go back go guy one. I am sorry this is causing you so much pain.....oh, I was going to add he is showing some lack of character when it took him a month to "come back around" after the yeast infection cream fiasco? Why should he be upset, it was not your fault! This is the kind of thing you get through, and then laugh about together when it's over, you don't ditch your girlfriend for a month over this. That part really bugged me, there is no reason he should have been mad. Link to post Share on other sites
LaughMachine Posted January 10, 2007 Share Posted January 10, 2007 Wow I actually read all of this. Well most of it to understand it. This guy seems head over heals for you but very confused about his own life. You should be going out having fun but how can you when your heart is set on this one man? Wow I don't think I could ever say that to anyone I loved" You should go date other people". But maybe he meant that in all respect. No contact would probaly be the best way to go but doing that now will only lead you to being more confused. I say keep the "friend ship" on low key and detatch your self man. He might love you but you guys both aren't at the same place right now. I'm sure you don't want to lose this man but he is opening that chance to happen and as much as it hurts you gotta be strong. I know how hard that is so if you do the oposite of what we say I don't blame you. Being confused and pulled in both directions can be really hard. The not knowing, the guessing the questioning. If I were in your position It would be hard for me to except what he was saying because I would have thought love could over power everything. Talk to him and tell him( if you are doing this) that you are going to let go and find strength to move on. Tell him if you do find someone else that he let that happen and would have too accept it. He might love you but you can't wait around for him ! Link to post Share on other sites
D-Lish Posted January 10, 2007 Share Posted January 10, 2007 Man, tough situation. I think what you really need to ask yourself is if you could possibly maintain a friendship with him...continue to date him knowing he is dating others. Is he expecting the two of you to sleep with other people, and yet still sleep with one another? I guarantee that if the two of you love each other that that arrangement will never work. Somebody will inevitably get hurt. If he loves you, NC is the way for him to realize it. He has to experience your absence to realize he misses you. Will that be easy? No way. It's going to be hard on you, probably on both of you. But I am pretty sure you know that if he or you starts to see someone else, or sleep with someone else... the friendship will disolve and cause you both more heartache. He wants to take time out to figure out what he wants? He's going to have to take the chance that he may lose you in the process. As long as you remain available to him, he'll be having his cake and eating it too, and he won't be inclined to make a decision. I really do think you need to walk away for the time being- mostly to protect yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SuziwithaQ Posted January 10, 2007 Author Share Posted January 10, 2007 thank you all for this great advice. I've already stopped calling, texting, etc. and am leaving it up to him. I think I will also stop answering the phone a bit to distance myself from him.....baby steps. In my heart, I truly believe if I decide to go the NC route, he will realize his mistake, but I'm afraid he wouldn't come back so as not to disturb me. I'm going to take it one day at a time for now, and if it's ok, give you guys some updates and will welcome your advice and feedback. Big hugs to everyone. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SuziwithaQ Posted January 10, 2007 Author Share Posted January 10, 2007 I realized I forgot to answer a few questions :-) Paris, the whole "penis incident" as I refer to it was just awful. He was scared and in pain and not knowing what caused him to swell profusely. From what I understand, if a guy and his "boy" aren't working properly, that can seriously cause some f'd up feelings, lol. We do laugh about it now, but he was scared and thought I should have told him about the yeast infection--we're girls, right? We deal with this stuff all the time and it didn't seem important at the time given that he had had this great epiphany of love for me. Sometimes I wish I could rewind that whole incident and see what would have happened.... LaughMachine, he has told me that if I do find love elsewhere, he would not hold me back because he wants me to be happy. He, of course, wishes he could be that man right now, but he is acknowledging his limitations. He actually said, "when I am ready to settle down, I want to settle down with you. I know that." D-Lish, when he told me to date others, he said, "of course I'm hoping you won't sleep with them". I asked him that if he does date, to please not sleep with me and others, and he agreed. I think if the point where either of us is getting to the intimate stage, we will need to be honest with each other and move on. Oh, this is sooooo distressing. I feel so weak--like I have no will power. Again, I'm trying to be strong but I appreciate all of you guys helping me. I'll keep you posted. Q Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted January 10, 2007 Share Posted January 10, 2007 my exgf decided nc was the way to go and i haven't heard from her since. during that time i realized everything that happened that i did wrong and how much i truly LOVED her and wanted to marry her. i finally got the guts up to go and see her and propose and the night i drove over i saw another man walking into her house and realized then that she was already in another relationship and i was out of luck - never fails eh. u finally find THE ONE, screw it up, then do the work so that doesn't happen again - and because i took too long she moved on. maybe things will chance in the future and she'll see me differently but i can't count of that. i hope she's happy. Link to post Share on other sites
RocketMan Posted January 10, 2007 Share Posted January 10, 2007 Hi Suzi, Its nice to hear someones in the same situation as me (well, not nice like im glad..you know what i mean) My gf told me she wished shed met me in a few years And it hurts like hell. It hurts so much to know that she loves me, but the timing just isnt right for her. She's scared of the comittment too, and wants to go out there and experience life. Thats probably the worst reason for me, because theres NOTHING i can do about it. I cant appologise for any action, or promise to change because I wasnt the problem. Thats what hurts the most. I've not really got any advice for you as im still at the start of my own coping. Just letting you know there are other people equally confused and going through the same thing as you chin up Link to post Share on other sites
Author SuziwithaQ Posted January 10, 2007 Author Share Posted January 10, 2007 Hi guest and Rocketman. Thanks for the support. Guest, I feel for you bud--but a question for you....why didn't you tell her you love her still even knowing she had moved on? Sure, you may have gotten rejected, but then again you never know what could have happened. I guess I'm a sucker for true love, and had I been the dumper coming back, I would still have let her know. Rocket, I am so with you. It sucks because you haven't done anything wrong! Your only choice is to walk away or give them space. I always say, I am a victim of horrible timing. Sigh. Both of you please keep me posted (no pun intended) on your situations. I really wish I could PM with you folks but I guess I need to become established on the site before I can do that. Link to post Share on other sites
paris38 Posted January 10, 2007 Share Posted January 10, 2007 You are gorgeous. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SuziwithaQ Posted January 10, 2007 Author Share Posted January 10, 2007 You are gorgeous. Oh my gosh Paris, thank you!!! It's tough being 38 isn't it? There are always younger and more beautiful girls.....this is what I'm afraid of with getting out there again. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted January 10, 2007 Share Posted January 10, 2007 Funny.. I'm a 36 year old guy going through something similar as you and am afraid of getting out there because I am worried there are not any gorgeous, sweet, loving women left out there at my age. You should not be afraid of getting out there. There are plenty of good men that would gladly be with someone as beautiful inside and out as you are. Link to post Share on other sites
shockandawed Posted January 12, 2007 Share Posted January 12, 2007 Hang in there Suzy and everyone else. I know too well the craziness heartache can bring. You can read my thread for my story but like you, caught completely off guard. I don't know if I am more upset that it was the week before Christmas or the week after we got back from a wonderful cruise. The last three weeks have been hell. You just got to believe time will make it all better. Hugs to all!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author SuziwithaQ Posted January 13, 2007 Author Share Posted January 13, 2007 thanks shocked, I feel for you too and hope you will find comfort in those of us here that are hurting and confused--we are supporting each other and that is the coolest thing! Link to post Share on other sites
notmakingsense Posted January 13, 2007 Share Posted January 13, 2007 This has a lot of similarities to my own tortured story..... In my case, she could never commit. Over three years, she would distance herself as soon as we started to get really close because she felt she wasn't ready, NC would ensue, contact would rekindle, we'd get back together again, she'd distance herself again after a while and the cycle would continue over and over again -- because I let it. I wasn't strong enough to listen to my brain instead of my heart. Do some reasearch on commitment phobia and try to figure out if (a) the guy is a classic commitment-phobe, (b) he is young/immature and just not ready, or © he just isn't that in to you for real. No matter what the situation, you are doing the right thing by backing off and moving on. Because you are in a new city, focus on making friends and getting in to hobbies that make you happy. He'll probably come back around... be careful and act wisely! Link to post Share on other sites
Author SuziwithaQ Posted January 13, 2007 Author Share Posted January 13, 2007 thanks notmakingsense. I am trying to stay strong but I am so sad and depressed tonight. My guy went to an out of town wedding of an old friend and I'm pretty sure I won't hear from him all weekend. My parents are coming in to town tomorrow morning though to look at some townhouses I'm interested in buying--this will be a good distraction for me and also if I decide to buy, it will give me something very positive to be interested in and excited about. I also have a casual date set for next week (I wish I was excited about it) so I'm trying to keep busy. Oh God, why is this so hard? I'm just so sad.... Link to post Share on other sites
notmakingsense Posted January 13, 2007 Share Posted January 13, 2007 It sounds like you need to back-off even more strongly. It isn't good that you know what he's up to.... what he's doing... For me, NC ended up being the one thing that saved me. At first, it was absolute torture, a nightmare. After some time, a few weeks, I began to feel better just not knowing.... Ignorance is bliss sometimes. After a few months, I could even tolerate contact from her and think with a level head. When she last contacted me, I was even able to turn down a meeting with her because I knew better! Try it out. Try complete lack of contact for a while to see how that works for you. Here's a thread I used to refer to all the time... more targeted at guys, but it is a good one: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t56954/ Link to post Share on other sites
shockandawed Posted January 13, 2007 Share Posted January 13, 2007 Suzy, Be sure to update us on the townhome hunt. Sounds like a great first step towards the new and improved SuzyQ!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
RocketMan Posted January 14, 2007 Share Posted January 14, 2007 Rocket, I am so with you. It sucks because you haven't done anything wrong! Your only choice is to walk away or give them space. I always say, I am a victim of horrible timing. Sigh. Both of you please keep me posted (no pun intended) on your situations. I really wish I could PM with you folks but I guess I need to become established on the site before I can do that. You keep us posted too You can PM me all you like when we get established I know there are rules on PMing and I am aware of them guys, dont worry Link to post Share on other sites
Author SuziwithaQ Posted January 15, 2007 Author Share Posted January 15, 2007 Well I bought a townhouse yesterday, it will be completed around September or October. It will keep me busy picking out all of the floors, counters, fixtures, etc. I'll be busy! But the saddest thing is I just want to call him and tell him about it. I'm enforcing the NC first rule for me first. Hopefully, I'll be able to get to full NC, let go, and live my life as if he is never coming back. Then if he doesn't, I will still be ok. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted January 15, 2007 Share Posted January 15, 2007 Congratulations on the townhouse, Suzi!! That's fantastic! I understand how much you'd want to call and tell him about this - he's your best friend. I'm sorry it's so hard for you right now. You do have a lot to look forward to, though. A house is a terrific accomplishment - you should be really proud of yourself! Link to post Share on other sites
Author SuziwithaQ Posted January 15, 2007 Author Share Posted January 15, 2007 Thank you NJ! Link to post Share on other sites
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