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My boyfriend left me for a fantasy...


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My boyfriend very callously sent me a dear jane e-mail telling me he could not longer be in the relationship with me because it was clear to him that he couldn't be in law school and in a relationship at the same time. Let me also preface that he mentioned he had a secret related to sex but could not tell me what it was. Although he immediately went back on to an online dating site.

 

A week later I get the details of the secret in an email and this is what he wrote:

 

When I was growing up:

I was not sexually abused (that I remember)

I was verbally and somewhat physically abused by my father

We were sexually extremely repressed by our parents to an extreme degree. This meant a lot of disinformation on my part.

I did try to kiss my sister as a way to practice kissing and I feel extreme guilt and shame about that

I did have some homosexual thoughts but never really acted on them (came close): I no longer have those at all

I do have certain sexual fantasies and those are what I want to talk about to say where they came from:

 

Along with the extreme sexual repression, 2 initial things happened around puberty that have shaped my sexual fantasy since then - I was a paper boy, and once a week this couple would get what was a very risque lingerie catalogue/soft porn type thing. I would look at it and the way the women were dressed was a major turn on for me. Also while learning French we had a French magazine called Elle that we used to learn. It had this one picture where the women were wearing stockings/garters/high heels. The women in the other catalogue were similarly dressed. The Elle magazine was what I would use when I first learned about masturbation etc. So that image of those women was forever ingrained in me at time when talking about sex in my house was very taboo. I was very shy as a teenager, but inside had all these feelings that were unable to come out due to my shyness/upbringing and so these images became powerful ones in my head. Then in 1986 (age 15) I really got into Prince. I loved his music, and his sexual style and tastes through the music and videos came at a time when all this was still forming and getting into my being. Again an outlet for my sexual awareness. He also liked women who dressed and acted a certain way, and so this was important to me.

 

I did not have sex until I was 18 in college, and the first time was one of those drunken things that was not really worth it. Meanwhile, I was into techno/dance music and really into dancing. That meant I went to clubs a lot where the women would dress a certain way, but even though I was coming out of my shell, I did not have the "it" to get those women I thought were hot. I did have a couple of girlfriends from 18 to 19 but I was unable to act on any fantasies and I was still sexually very amateur on the outside. I did finally meet a girl who started to bring out some things but we had been friends before and we never really got going (she was also a big Prince fan).

 

I still never got to date a woman that would fulfill some of those fantasies, and this continued with my ex-wife.

 

Let me explain - my fascination with a woman who looks good in heels/boots/lingerie etc. is not a fetish per se. I don’t require it to be turned on. Ultimately I would love to have someone who can or does dress that way, but in an elegant way. It would be part of her makeup that she likes to be able to dress that way at the appropriate time (not all the time). She would be sexually self-aware enough to want to do that because it makes her feel good, and not about someone else. Maybe dressing in sexy lingerie etc. is something she wants to do for her lover because she would like as much as he would.

 

I have had the opportunity to experience some of these fantasies with a few women a few times. But too often, the women I meet don’t have that innate sexual nature about them that they want to do those things, and then I have hard time asking for it in case they say no and I am stuck looking weird. So I don’t say anything when I sense its not in their nature, and then I get frustrated

 

When I get frustrated is when I turn to other sources like certain kinds of pornography to fulfill those needs. It has become very unhealthy, and I want to explore my sexual fantasies in a healthy relationship setting where both partners want the same thing. I have actually wasted an unhealthy amount of money and time on these activities, and so just kept everything repressed while in relationships (including with you). I am not able to talk about deep feelings that I should be able to, and thus the relationship ends up being killed over time due to this. Thing is I am very romantic, love sex, love intimacy and I am very good "in the sack". But not being able to talk about these things with a lover has been killing me as I am letting myself down, and eventually the relationship suffers as well.

 

One day I keep thinking I will meet a woman who wants to do those things and carries herself in the manner that matches with me, and I will be able to talk to her about it as we both feel comfortable about it. Funny thing is I see women out and about all the time whose look is what I would go for that way, but I never seem to talk to them. I want that special personal connection, but with the bonus that I can feel comfortable and able to talk about what I like.

 

There has to be a healthy way for me to act on this so that I can have fulfilling relationships built on intimacy and open communication. It is clear that these desires have deep roots in my sexual history, and so I need to be able to talk about them, but in positive situation.

 

Let me be clear - I don’t expect to be with a woman who dresses in high heels/lingerie etc. all the time. That is not what I want. I want someone who is well rounded, classy, intelligent, passionate, deep etc. but who has that side to her that wants to turn on that style at the right time.

 

I hope this helps you figure out where I have been at, and what goes on inside my head. I want to be able to break free from all the negative sides to this and someday be in a wonderful relationship.

 

Can anyone help me make sense of this? He couldn't tell me this while we were in the relationship, but he could after we broke up - Why?

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He couldn't tell you while in the relationship, because he was afraid of your reaction - maybe you'd laugh at him, or get angry with him, or think less of him, or think he's "wierd". He explains it here:

 

But too often, the women I meet don’t have that innate sexual nature about them that they want to do those things, and then I have hard time asking for it in case they say no and I am stuck looking weird. So I don’t say anything when I sense its not in their nature, and then I get frustrated.

 

That's the crux of his problem.

 

He sees women who dress the way his fantasy woman dresses, but he can't approach them because he's intimidated AND because they probably wouldn't have anything in common, really, so wouldn't be able to have an actual relationship. Prince's women? Come on! They're not going to be into a repressed law school geek...or so he probably thinks.

 

The women he does get into a relationship with, he's afraid to discuss his sexuality and his turn-ons with them because HE BELIEVES they are not the kind of women ("it's not in their nature") to be sexy in the way he wants.

 

He's formed a dichotomy in his head about good girls and bad girls, and he doesn't get it that good girls are also very sexual and DO have it in them to dress in lingerie and heels on occasion, as well as swing from the rafters and tie him up, if need be. He probably also doesn't get it that bad girls may also be kind and loving as well as sexually adventurous.

 

In any case, maybe I'm wrong with my armchair psychology, but I'm sure he didn't tell you about this because he was afraid you'd think his sexual turn-ons were "wierd".

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Yes, that may be true and he states, but that's a very immature way to handle a relationship. He keeps his secret close, dumps me and then explains it. Sorry, not acceptable. He still told me and I still could think it's weird. Why tell me at all then? Trying to put the blame on me that I'm not it for him when he won't accept responsibility for stringing me along for 7 months when he knew all along that I wasn't his type. Why bother? Telling me he's never felt like this before with anyone, wants to move in and get married? All lies?

 

I'm starting to think this about himself, is a "self serving" thing... he wants to justify his "leaving the relationship" by using the "pattern excuse" of " he has "needs" that YOU can not fulfill..see? Therefore it's not 'HIM'..it's just that he's so sorry but he "needs" MORE... MORE WHAT???

 

I'll tell you what he needs... he needs more from "himself" but that's too much work... too much looking in the mirror and being accountable.. and respectful, and mature, and accepting of not only himself as human, but a woman as well..

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Coco-

I completely agree with you in your second post.

 

What he needs is to look within himself. I don't feel that he is BLAMING you necessarily, and it does sound like he definitely KNOWS what is going on with himself...I think he just needs some extra something to PUSH him to change. Whether this be you, his next girlfriend or someone else....he needs to SEE for himself that this will always affect him, unless he can get some help.

 

I don't think his fantasies are weird, but his approach to the situation IS problematic. (He won't tell anyone his fantasies, so how are they supposed to be filled?)

 

He's embarrassed, because his entire life he has been made to feel embarrassed about his sexuality. It makes sense.

 

While I well imagine this is very abrupt and hurtful for you to deal with, this is not your problem to fix.

 

And for now with his minimal level of communication, he doesn't sound like someone who is ready for a serious committment anyways.

 

Best of luck!

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i guess this is not so unusual after all. my advice is simply this, do the word and trace your insecurities back to the source and make the decision THAT U WANT TO LIVE A BETTER LIFE and just do it. you'll find that mountain you once thought u had to climb is really a mole hill - it really is. its about learning to trust in yourself and love the person u are. if u can do that, u can do anything.

 

best of luck. if i can do it anyone can.

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coco,

 

I had something similar happen to me in a relationship.

I dated someone who had obvious "issues" with sex.

He was never able to fully articulate to me his sexual needs- and I wasn't able to piece things together until after out break up.

 

He wanted a "dominant" partner in the bedroom. This stemmed from his relationship with his mother who was a dominant woman that he had a tumultuous relationship with.

 

It wasn't until after we broke up that I figured it out... that he wanted me to be the one to initiate sex, he wanted to be the submissive one. We had a total communication break down when it came to the sex... and out sex life sucked as a result of that. To be honest, if he had just been up front with me about it, I wouldn't have had a problem with that. But he chose to be embarrassed about it and keep me in the dark.

 

It's very fine and dandy to send an e-mail after the fact communicating this information to you. Hmm, would have been nice to have that same communication DURING your relationship eh?

 

Just remember, this isn't your issue.

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Yes, of course it hurts, my ego and sense of self has been wounded. This is the struggle I am having now, that I am taking it personally. He pretty much said in this email to me that he sees woman out and about all the time and they have "the look" he would go for that way. I took that personally that I wasn't his type, but yet he made me feel so wanted only in the end to make me feel so unwanted!

 

He may have told me this to try and push himself out of the negative side of this, but yet he went right back on match.com immediately after breaking up with me. He told me he was incapable of having a relationship while in law school and while he had this "past secret" there. Yet online he was touting his availability and saying how he didn't want to give up his love life completely because there were too many special moments to miss out on. Oh, it even said you must have "great jeans, cool sweaters, black dress and heels" and you knew when and how to wear them. Doesn't seem like he is trying to take steps to heal. Call me crazy.

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Well, just remember that men often react to a break up by jumping right back on "the horse"... sometimes it's any horse... That's just how some people deal with it.

 

My ex was on Lava within 20 minutes of breaking up with me. It was my friend who noticed him pop up during a search and called me to tell me. That crushed me.

 

I'm dealing with a break up that involved a personal attack as well. And it is hard to recover from such a cold assault on your character.

I'm taking it personally too. I'm trying not to- but it's hard.

 

It's of little consolation right now- but in the long run, the rational side of you will kick in and you'll realize that this guy simply wasn't good for you.

Sounds like he has a whole host of baggage he is still confronting.

 

What a cowardly way to break up with someone- over e-mail. I got a short phone call after a year together... and I'm still bitter about that.

At this point, after being apart from my ex for almost 4 months, I'm trying to reconcile with the fact that the man I thought I loved, the man I spent a year admiring and thinking I'd marry.... well, he wasn't the man I thought he was. I suspect that is what you are coming to terms with at the moment. That the man who broke up with you is not the same man you thought you knew.

 

Did you respond to his e-mail?

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Hi D-lish,

Yes, I did reply to his email. The short version is that he needs to communicate, period. I said I wouldn't think differently of him because of it and because if you love someone you take everything about them good and bad. You work through it.

I also told him I knew he was back on match. His response was" what was I thinking doing that?" His profile came down for 2 days and then he was right back at it.

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