hrtingsobd Posted December 18, 2006 Share Posted December 18, 2006 It is 3:00 in the morning and here I sit looking on an computer for understanding from people I don't even know. Her goes.....My live in of 1 1/2 years (dating 3) moved out 2 weeks ago due to an issue he has with porn. Please note, while I am sure I will get bashed by many over my own insecurities, I am aware that I have a body image issue but who doesn't? Please let me say, that while SOME of you try to put the issue of porn addiction off on the woman because "Men just do that!", I take offense to this. Just because someone is of a certain gender does not excuse bad behavior. I like to shop till I drop and that is something that "Women Do". But let me run up a $50,000 credit card bill and y'all would be saying I have some sort of impulse control issue or something of the sort. My bfr and I watched porn a lot together. I enjoyed porn a great deal. I have a tremendous sexual appetite. We literally had sex every night except on the rare occasion that HE was tired. I am very in tune with my own sexuality. By all accounts the sex was fantastic. Herein lies my confusion.... I did not see an issue with porn until I realized how much my bfr watched it even when I was not around. I asked him in SEPT. to refrain from watching it without me. I explained that this made me feel insecure because I am not 18 with DDD breasts and I feel that that is what he likes because he watches porn so much. I realize this may be a body image issue...but I don't think so. It also made me feel like I had to be a porn star in bed to turn him on. Lord knows I am into some pretty wild things but I wanted to be into them because it turns me on instead of feeling like I had to be an actress in some porn movie. Hopefully that makese senst to someone out there! lol Anyway, I asked him to only watch porns with me because of these feelings. I also told him that he did not need to do this if he was resentful but I chose not to be in a relationship that made me feel bad about myself. (My fault for allowing someone else to make me feel bad about myself.) Should have questioned that then. It was his choice to supposedly quit. I found the porn again at the end of Oct. I told him to leave because he did not respect me or my feelings. He said he would quit. (2nd time) 2 weeks ago, I found it again dated at least every other day sometimes more for over 2-3 hours per day since Sept. I was so PI**** you can not even imagine. I felt betrayed and hurt and he lied everytime he got onto the websites and downloaded those movies knowing how I felt about them. For someone who loves me so much, they should have respected my feelings. I wonder do I truly even know him because of the "secrets" or did I just love what I thought was him. He has admitted a problem and is seeking counseling. After 2 times he miraculously doesn't want to watch porn anymore. He also went to his pastor (I don't attend regularly, at all) to get help. He is living with his mom with no computer access. I refuse to be in a relationship with an addict (my dad is an alcoholic so I am familiar w/cycles, etc.) I also refuse to be his mother and monitor the porn. I love him. Other than this we get along great, or I thought we did. Did I truly know him or do I love who I thought he was. He had a whole other side hidden from me...yes, he hid the porn. He even quit suggesting we watch it together so I thought he was not into it for a phase... By my calculations, he was getting sex every night and watching it for about 10-15 hours a week...hiding it. (Yes, I am angry and a bit bitter) I don't even know if I want to trust him. Because my relationship with my dad's alcoholism ruined my trust in addictions, I feel that he will tell me he quit and then do it behind my back. He has given me issues I did not want or have time to address. I am a full-time student and single mom to 3. I do not have a self-confidence issue- quite the contrary. I feel that I have a lot to give to the right person. I am almost 40 and am not at a point in my life where I want to deal with this. Why do I feel guilty? Co-dependency never leaves does it? Please give me your thoughts....I am ready to get reamed here! Link to post Share on other sites
Author hrtingsobd Posted December 18, 2006 Author Share Posted December 18, 2006 No one has replied.....Any thoughts would be appreciated. Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted December 18, 2006 Share Posted December 18, 2006 I don't feel that your use of the credit card analogy fits.. a 25k credit card bill will affect the welfare and well being of everyone in the family and more.. including your job..and it seems him watching porn isn't doing any real damage I seem to be at odds on advice here.. if him watching porn was causing problems in your relationship like no sex or not spending time with you and he was watching porn instead then I think the answer would be clear.. Other than you don't like him watching it alone doesn't seem to cut it either.. You are getting and having sex everyday to your satisfaction but you are upset because you are trying to enforce control over him and he doesn't want to listen to you. Personally if I was your husband I would've quit watching period..I think that is what the answer should've been. It seems odd to me that you will watch porn with him but he isn't ALLOWED to watch porn alone.. I think maybe a therapist might be the real answer.. it seems you both are not seeing eye to eye on this.. You need to realize that you can't have porn only your way.. and he needs to learn how much it affects you when he does watch porn without you.. Link to post Share on other sites
KittenMoon Posted December 18, 2006 Share Posted December 18, 2006 I think maybe a therapist might be the real answer.. it seems you both are not seeing eye to eye on this.. You need to realize that you can't have porn only your way.. and he needs to learn how much it affects you when he does watch porn without you.. Agreed! And it also sounds a little like you are projecting your fear of addictions onto him, which may in turn be making his addiction worse, since we generally crave most what we can't or shouldn't have. See a therapist- at this point, this doesn't yet seem like something to lose a marriage over. Link to post Share on other sites
LoverOfWine Posted December 21, 2006 Share Posted December 21, 2006 Unfortunately, I know exactly how you feel. I am going through the same thing with my boyfriend right now, and although I may be a young adult in college, this same exact problem is what is ruining our relationship. The first time I found out that my boyfriend watched porn was during a summer break. Whenever, we aren't at college, we are two and half hours apart, which is hard enough. I made a joke about him beating off to porn whenever I'm not around and he took me seriously, and that is how ti all started. In the middle of our fall semester (at this time we were together for about four months) I found several websites on his computer by accident, and I confronted him. We discussed it, and from what I understood we decided to only have porn around whenever we're watching it together or if some day we made our own. Well that obviously didn't work out, and the early morning before my last day of finals (the last day of the entire semester, we're past the six month mark by now) I once again found porn websites on his computer by accident. Whenever I type in a website and the other ones show up, that is how I find out about it. I confronted him about it, and he denied that he had watched porn since our agreement. I discover several new websites on his computer which proved that he lied to me, so that became the biggest issue. We fought until about 1:30 AM (mind you I had an 8am final, following a 3pm final) and it really became pointless. I was so scared that our relationship was over, and the next morning I went on his computer to look up topics that were to be on my finals on the search.y ahoo website. the recent search he had looked up was "breaking up with g/f". My heart just sunk, and I started crying (this was at 6:30 AM). I woke him up before I left for my final to ask him if we were ok and if he wanted to break up with me, and he said no, and so after that final I wrote him a letter. It really did no good, I told him later on to forget about the letter after an older friend of mine explained to me how a lot of guys need a visual stimulus to get horny and what have you. Since then, things have been a big rocky. My boyfriend came down to my place with me for the weekend and then left on Sunday evening. We made plans to spend time together right after Christmas into the New Year. Those plans were cancelled as of last night because he decided to wait until last night to tell me that he will be working at his parents' business. It is bad enough that we won't be together during the holidays, and then I am let down by this news. I am still trying to get past it, and so he said we could see each other during the weekends. I ask him about this coming Saturday into Sunday morning before both of our family get togethers and he replies with, "Maybe, I don't know." I have the worst gut feeling in the world that he wants to break up with me and I have no control over it. Aside from these recent events, I have never been so happy in my entire life, and I don't want to lose him. If he doesn't come down here this weekend, I am taking it as him not wanting to be with me anymore. I understand we both have family get togethers and time to hang out with friends that we haven't seen in months, but that doesn't mean our relationship should be forgotten of for an entire month, if at all. I guess my point in writing all of this is that you're not alone, and I am trying to work things out. If we do break up I am not going to give up on him, and although your ex may have that addiction, a lot of males do. It's no excuse, it doesn't make it right, but everyone has their flaws. I have been told that the visual stimulus is just a guide to help our partners be in the horny state of mind, but who they are thinking about is actually ourselves, not fantasies with the chicks in the video. I have come a long way, going from being against porn in general if two ppl are committed to one another, to accepting it because it doesn't change who you think your partner is. Your ex may love porn, but if you had let him embrace that side of him he would have had no reason to hide it. Maybe that chance will come again in the future, and I say that if you are in love with him, don't give up on him just yet. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hrtingsobd Posted December 21, 2006 Author Share Posted December 21, 2006 Maybe u are right, however, I had no intention of controlling him or his behavior. I don't like how it makes me feel thinking of him looking at other women. I have thought about what you have said and it makes sense. I think though, that I did not like to watch the porn with him but did it because I wanted to be a part of what he was keeping hidden from me. That suggests some issues on my part. Enabler? Co-dependent? Who knows? I wil think more about this. Thanks for your thoughts. Link to post Share on other sites
LoverOfWine Posted December 22, 2006 Share Posted December 22, 2006 No problem, I have actually considered doing the same (watching it with him because it is something that my boyfriend keeps separate, perhaps even hidden, from me as well. I honestly don't think you have anything to blame yourself for. He is the one with the issue, and it isn't your fault that you don't exactly favor the idea of watching porn. I don't blame myself at all, even when I tried to make my boyfriend agree that he wouldn't watch porn while we were both on college grounds. For so long I told myself that if my boyfriend wasn't willing to at least compromise with me on this issue then he wasn't worth it, but I don't want us to break up because of this. In fact, I am kind of glad that this has been a major issue instead of something even worse, such as strip clubs, cheating, drugs, etc. I hope everything works out with you two. Sometimes it just takes time. Even if certain people or situations intervene, if it's meant to be it'll be. Link to post Share on other sites
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