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Long distance, long term mess - bf in love with woman in the desert


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Hi. I've enjoyed reading posts on this site and would appreciate some advice/opnion in regard to my recent relationship crisis. I am scheduled to see a therapist this Wednesday, but I just can't wait any longer and my friends are sick and tired of hearing me go on and on :p

 

This is very long - I apologize in advance.

 

X and I started going out over 4 years ago. He asked me out because he thought I was smart and attractive (and he's since given me these compliments constantly), and I was immediately drawn to him as well. I knew he was special and he told me he was falling in love with me within weeks. A few weeks after we started dating, he had to go overseas for a couple of months for language training. We talked on the phone and wrote, and we made love for the first time since he returned. A few weeks after that I had to go overseas for nearly a year. He came to visit me and I flew back to visit him. All's well.

 

When I finally returned for good, we decided to move in together (partly because we just wanted to be together and partly because of financial issues, though we didn't discuss in depth). In the ensuing two years, he was gone for a couple of short trips (2-3 months), but our relationship blossomed. It just felt right, and we were very affectionate and playful (though our sex life could've needed more work - we were both very busy).

 

In the fourth year, he had to be overseas for one year. I visited three times (practically maxed out my credit card paying for these trips, because I couldn't stand the thought of being apart for too long - btw, he's a poor student and I have a pretty good income), and he came back for Christmas. A few months before his year overseas were to end and during my second trip to visit him, he proposed with a ring and I accepted. Everyone was happy. His family, in particular, loves me and supports me unconditionally (or so it seemed from my many many interactions with them and trips to see them). The day after I came back from the second visit, it became clear that we would have to be apart for another 9 months after his year overseas. However, he would be just be in another state. So we thought it would be a lot easier. During my third visit, we had a petty argument and he told me that right after we got engaged someone had approached him for a date and he turned the person down. We stopped getting mad at each other and enjoyed the rest of the visit very much. When he finally came home, we were happy to finally have a month to be together but were pretty stressed out due to moving out of old apartment, setting up new apartment and professional obligations. During week leading up to his departure to the other state, he had to work in the study for hours on end. And we hardly had any intimate moments. But overall, we didn't have any uneasy moments, and we talked constantly about visiting each other at least once a month.

 

During his drive to that state, we had many cell phone conversations. In one of the phone conversations, he talked very seriously about improving our sex life. I agreed that it was very important for us to get better in that department and vowed to work on it whenever we saw each other. He specifically told me that he didn't intend to leave me, he just wanted to work on the issue. In subsequent conversations, I brought up my willingness to work on that aspect of our relationship and he seemed pleased by my vocalizing that eagerness.

 

Two days before I was to go out to visit him (for my birthday weekend), he seemed a little distant on the phone. I just assumed that he was busy but had a bit of bad feeling about it. When I got there, we hugged but didn't kiss. We didn't make love becasue it was late and we were both tired. I did sense something was wrong and asked him why we hadn't been affectionate when we woke up in the morning.

 

He proceeded to tell me that he'd met someone else in the two weeks he's been in that new state and might have fallen in love with her! On top of that, this person has a boyfriend she's not willing to leave for him but they have kissed. WTF! I was in shock!

 

In subsequent conversations that weekend (my birthday weekend, boohoo), he told me how the two of them met - it was very mystical, bus broke down in the desert and wild dreams about her and all that. Imagine me hearing that stuff! He also told me that all this was compounded by our lack of physical intimacy - so he's blaming me?!

 

I didn't plead or beg, though I did talk about how wonderful our relationship had been (hello, we were engaged!) and reminded him about my commitment to improving our sex life. He said he needed time, alluded to the possibility of our getting back together, and admitted that he's strayed off the path and wanted to get back on track (whatever that means). When I gave back the ring, he said something stupid like "oh, you're leaving it here?"

 

Great, my birthday weekend was completely ruined, and my heart's broken in a million pieces. This is the man I loved and I thought he loved me (in words and in actions, until this horrible weekend, that is). We both cried several times. I checked out the possibility of flying home early but didn't want to pay extra and really wanted to salvage the weekend somehow. We also did just couple stuff, going to a movie, going out to dinner, and grocery shopping. We didn't have sex; I asked him to sleep on the couch. As for the other woman, I told him that she was probably manipulating him since she told him she couldn't be with him (due to her bf) but she still kissed him. He agreed with me slightly and said he would confront her about it (what? whatever). I reiterated my desire to improve our sex life (if we'll ever have a sex life again, that is).

 

When he saw me off at the airport, he gave me several very long very firm hugs, and told me that he would see me soon (don't know what he meant exactly - we were going to meet up at his friend's wedding early November but I sure am not going now). I didn't appear sad at all because I wanted to be strong. We waved and waved at each other until I went through the security point - when we couldn't see each other anymore.

 

After I got home, I sent him a 2-line e-mail telling him I got back safely and that I didn't mean to be uncommunicative but I needed a few days to think . He wrote back telling me he's "in shock" and "trying to think and feel things through" (meaning? don't know). And then he told me his mom, who visited him the weekend after I visited, would be sending me a birthday present. I haven't called him (it's been a little over a week since we parted at the airport), and he hasn't not called me.

 

So where does that leave us? Was the thing with the other woman just an infatuation that he can shake off? He's a highly sensitive person, so it's likely that he was just so overtaken by her and the circumstances. I really don't know. Any ideas out there? I want him back - what we had was so good, but maybe we were both delusional. Our relationship was obviously tested by being divided by oceans, but now it couldn't stand the distance between mere states. Oh, he also told me during the weekend that he actually did go out with the person who was interested in him overseas but they just had coffee (I trust him) and that toward the end of that year he used internet pornography (I don't care, I'm very open minded in that area).

 

Thanks for reading.

 

- stranded in the desert

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