Things I've learned.

[Jacob&I]

Hello everyone,

 

My breakup was complicated, but it could have been easily avoided. She thought I broke up with her, and I thought she broke up with me.

 

In August, a couple of months after our break up, my ex-girlfriend told me that we should stop talking. I was so close to asking her back out. I found out she had just started seeing someone else.

 

We said good-bye, and I've come out of my denial state a little more each day. I have somethings that I've learned that I'd like to share. I'd also like to get feedback on them.

 

Where do I start?

 

Let's start at the end and work backword.

 

1. If someone breaks up with you, leave them alone for awhile. Your best bet is usually to have them get back in contact with you.

 

One time I was able to convince the same ex to take me back just a few days after she left. I was lucky; that almost never happens. If the guy she had asked hadn't been seeing someone, it probably wouldn't have that time either.

 

2. If you have a chance to get back together, and that's what you want, take it. It's not the highway. There are no signs declaring "THIS IS THE LAST CHANCE".

 

3. If you're not sure you want to break up, then don't. If the your mate starts to break up with you, do your best to stop it. You'll regret it if you don't at least try.

 

4. Keep things from snowballing.

 

Try to solve a problem before it becomes a big deal. Most arguements stem from miscommunication, so try to talk things before you argue.

 

5. If you don't feel like doing the same thing some nights, then don't.

 

Pestering her will not make her want to go. How would it make you feel? Just tell your mate what you plan to do, and tell him or her they can come if they want.

 

6. Romantic relationships are the most fragile.

 

I've reconciled with my parents despite some bad feelings I have towards them. They have not spoken to each other in about ten years, and I'd be surprised if they ever did despite being married to each other for seventeen years. For example, rock bands that split almost always get back together, but couples almost never do.

 

7. Don't put conditions on relationships.

 

You fall in love unconditionally, putting condidtions on staying will send

the wrong message. It may even compromise the connection the two of you have.

 

8. Be selective in the advice you follow.

 

Believing all the advice you get is not a good idea. Listen to the smartest, well-educated and experienced people first, work your way down from that. Take what's useful, and ignore the rest.

 

9. Analyze things, but don't overanalyze things.

 

If you take too long making up your mind about something, no matter how important it is, it can ruin the whole momentum of a relationship.

 

10. Work is not as important as your relationship.

 

People have busier days than normal at work quite often. Taking one day off from your job will not get you fired, but taking a day off from relationship at the wrong time could get you dumped.

 

11. Breaking up may not be final, but your mate marrying someone else is.

 

These are some of the things I've learned from my last relationship. I have to be honest here; if she called me today, I would come running.

 

I do have a loose plan to get her back, but the chances aren't great there. I'm thinking ten percent.

 

If I had known these things at the start of the relationship, I'd be in the driver's seat. I'd probably be a happy husband with two foster children, and a baby on the way. Now I miss the family that I had over the Summer. Number 11 hasn't happened to me yet, but it is the most proably scenario.

 

I just wanted to share these in a public forum. I thought it would be a good way to express my feelings and maybe help someone else.

 

Any comments?

[Josalina]

that was very well written as it is all true, u do have to work at relationship and the pain of losing one and a loved one is undiscribable.

 

what is your 10% chance of getting her back plan then?

i am interested as i still miss my ex very much, he text a few days ago as a friend but when he texts what i don't want to hear or worse what i want to hear isn't said it is worse than not hearing anything but nevermind, everything is done for a reason.

[Jacob&I]

If you want to hear the whole story, look at at my other posts.

 

Well she's dating someone else. So I just have to hope for the best. We have friends in common, so I'm going to mention the dates that I go on to them, and hope word gets back around to her.

 

Awhile ago, she sent me a letter. It was only one typed page. It said her and I would not be dating again, that she had met someone else she hopes to be her life partner, but she doesn't know how that will turn out.

 

I made the mistake of calling her right after I got it. I was polite, and not frantic. I still shouldn't have done it. She told me that we could talk, just not right then. I called her a couple of days later, and told her I didn't feel like talking then. I told her I'd call her later.

 

Believe it or not, her Mother had suggested awhile ago that I call her in the second half of October, as my ex will be really busy all through that month. She met his guy at the end of July, two months later she sends me a letter basically telling me she wants to marry him.

 

We were together more than three years, so on some days I'm still in deep denial.

 

My plan is to date around, and to tell our common friends about it. I'm sure I'll see her again. Maybe there's still some doubt in her mind.

[KittenMoon]

4. Keep things from snowballing.

 

Try to solve a problem before it becomes a big deal. Most arguements stem from miscommunication, so try to talk things before you argue.

 

I wish I hadn't let this happen so often, trusting my relationship to come through no matter what.

 

 

 

10. Work is not as important as your relationship.

 

People have busier days than normal at work quite often. Taking one day off from your job will not get you fired, but taking a day off from relationship at the wrong time could get you dumped.

 

I wish my ex knew this.

[Josalina]

jacob i have read you post in the second chances forum and written back, i am sorry that you had to go through all that to learn what u have, but everything is done for a reason.

 

i wish people couldn't have the ability to upset us, but if they didn't we would never experience the highs with them either, everything comes with good and bad, and as some couples ride it through, while for others we are given no choice, the choices if life reflect our personality, you have been through this now and coming out the other side, noone said it would be easy and you will always look back on it. but the truth is what happens in our lives makes us who we are, you will learn from this and also without realising you will be weary of some issues when you find another partner, but take heart what doesn't kill us makes us stronger.

i wish you all the luck for the future.

[phyrespryte]

8. Be selective in the advice you follow.

 

Believing all the advice you get is not a good idea. Listen to the smartest, well-educated and experienced people first, work your way down from that. Take what's useful, and ignore the rest.

 

I think that's the best one. Sometimes listening to other people will screw your head up good.

 

I really question this one though...

3. If you're not sure you want to break up, then don't. If the your mate starts to break up with you, do your best to stop it. You'll regret it if you don't at least try.

 

The first part makes sense. But the part about stopping a break up...

Isn't that just prolonging the inevitable? Isn't that just more misery for you?