Abusive Ex

[Cherokee21]

Hey Everyone

 

I'm 19, and my (now-ex) boyfriend is 20. We were together for 2 years. I was a very insecure person when I first met him. He always had girls chasing after him everywhere we went. I felt like I wasn't good enough for him...and it crushed my spirits everyday. He was very sweet and he always reassured me that I am beautiful. But I still had no confidence.

 

We started partying a lot together in the middle of our relationship, after about a year of not going out much. He was becoming depressed, so he started using alcohol to heal himself (something he'd already done before). Things got really bad around this time. I couldn't believe how much he had changed. There were a few instances, when he was really drunk where he became violent with me, insulted me in front of people, hurt me physically and made me absolutely miserable. This went on for about 2 months straight. One night, I had to call my dad from a parking lot. The police were sent and a restraining order was set. I had been hiding it from my dad....so he had no idea until this night. He threatened that if I ever get back with him again, he will completely cut me off. He said it was for my own good.

 

I took Joe back immediately. He called me crying and begging me, and I convinced myself he meant it. I lied to my friends and to my dad about where I going. He did stop drinking, and he was treating me great. But another month down the road, things were right back to the same. This time, I broke up with him before it got worse. I was so scared but I did it. He stalked me, and called me all the time, harrassing me. A few weeks later, I took him back again. I was miserable at this point.

 

 

I got a new job and met this guy there. It was at a big hardware store where a lot of college kids work. I explained my situation and he explained his 4 yr. he had just gotten out of with a baby. We were really attracted to each other, so we were talking one night and agreed on using each other as a "booty call". I had never exactly had a "booty call" before. I had a few one night stands, but never this. I started cheating on Joe with this guy. I'd go over to his place once a week or so and we'd hook up. We had amazing sexual chemistry. He flattered me all the time, and was genuinely nice to me. He said he was sorry that he couldn't be the one to do it, but that he wished he could prove to me that I deserve better. I felt so guilty, because I not only had to lie to my Dad about Joe, I now had to lie to Joe about this guy. I got to know this guy, and I thought I was starting to fall for him. He seemed like he was feeling the same way.... He told me he really truly thought I was so beautiful, and I could tell it was genuine. Soon enough, I broke up with Joe. It totally shocked him, I ignored his calls and totally pretended like I didn't care if he wanted me back or not (but I did). I started losing weight, and I was feeling really good about myself. Joe stalked me, but I didn't care. The guy I was seeing was in the Marine Corps, and he reassured he would always be there to defend me. I wasn't worried about a thing. And I just plainly wasn't even scared anymore.

 

I lost weight really fast during this time, about 25 pounds in 6 weeks. I was getting so much attention. I had gained so much confidence.

 

Things never ended up working with my new guy....he kind of broke my heart once I let my guard down. I kind of figured this would happen, because I was just a "booty call", so I got over him quickly. I ended up getting lonely and taking my ex back after this, and we've been together since.

 

Its been about 4 months now, and things have been pretty good. He has totalled straightened up, and he knows that he screwed up. He found out that I was seeing another guy behind his back, and it threw him for a whirl. But he didn't react violently towards me at all. He just did the opposite. He was doing anything he could do to keep me. He gained about 40 pounds really fast. It crushed his confidence, as he has been pretty overweight before. Now when we go places, every guy looks at me...and I get hit on all the time while we're out. Now Joe is the clingy one and I'm the one who could give a damn at time. He has his streaks recently where hes tried pushing me around or acting stupid, but I stick up for myself now. It drives him crazy, but he knows I'm serious so he won't push it. I care about him so much, and Its great that he truly appreciates me now. But it still hurts everyday that he hurt me so much in the past, and that I am in a position where I have to hide our relationship from my father. I am becoming really dependant on him lately, and it worries me that things will just be how they used to. I don't hang out with any of my friends anymore, and it seems like I'm sinking into a hole again.

 

So I broke up with him the other day. I did it because I want to gain more self respect and independance, and I feel like I lose it when I am with him. I'm not sure if it is his fault or mine, but I want to step away for a little while and see if it helps me. I feel very selfish, because he has always been there for me and I know I have just broken his heart.

 

I feel like I need to discover myself a little more. I want to gain more confidence, and focus on myself a little more. I believe that I love him, but I want to see if I love him because I "need" him or because I "want" to love him.

 

How do I explain this to him? He is not drinking anymore, so I'm not worried about him getting violent. I just don't know how to put this into words without hurting him. I have tried, but it doesn't come out the same and he just ends up breaking down and begging to have me back. That just sends me on a guilt trip, and I almost break down and do it.

 

How do you guys think I should explain this to him, without making it sound like I never want him back...only that I am quesitoning my feelings right now to find whats real. And also, from what I have typed here...... what is your opinion on everything? I know I have done so much wrong, and I've grown from it. I've learned to never let a guy walk all over me again. Its just not worth the heartache. I just don't want to hurt him, It absolutely kills me inside to see him cry.

 

How can I explain things in a positive way? Is it possible?

 

~Thank You Everyone~