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I want to get on with folk, make friends but i get people snubbing me alot...


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I want to get on with folk, make friends but i get people snubbing me alot...

 

Hi i am 22, male :) . I'm sorry to say that when it comes to socialising, i have had more bad than good in recent years. I am a rather confident and optimisitic person, but i really do myself no favours when it comes to having conversations with people in general. I fail to show my charisma and enthusiasm, and instead come across as being stilted, quiet and awkard. Sometimes when i look back on times, i think, why didn't i do better?

 

The way it's went is: at High school i started to become socially withdrawn, and it just came to the point where i had no one to talk, alot of people ignored, as i said hardly anything. I didn't get proper bullied though. I never liked being like this, and it was like a really bad habit, once you get into that pattern it becomes harder to stop.

 

Now, this topic title relates to my recent years after High School. One i can say, there has been a definite improvement in my communication with workmates and i talk more, but still quiet. But those big faults i had at High School still show. In one of my first jobs, i worked in a 4-star hotel, as bar/waiting staff. What really angers me is that, for too many times i was critisized for what i said. Some saying that ask too many questions, or spoke of the obvious. Even though i was never nasty or angry to anyone there, some just seemed to "snub" me. I just seem to stand out as well, because i became a target of guys who thought they were bigshots, and some had no manners. Also the odd blunder at work didn't help either. The assistant manager always spoke to me in a cheeky tone. The last straw at that job was when he said to me, he found me the most irritating and boring, and that i annoyed him. I had set a poor representation of myself, i struggled to carry on talking for long, i didn't stand up for myself, and i was struggling to express myself, and came across as pretty humorless.

 

The next job at a Holiday Hotel, it was close to the same story, but there were not really any big egos within my team, which was a good thing. I just felt insulted with the way some people treated me near the end. There's no other way of putting it, i was getting disrespected, and you need respect at work. Once again, i wasn't being nasty or aggressive to people, but i noticed all too subtely that some people were rather unenthusiastic around me and it's like, i'm not a negative person, but i seemed to create negative atmosphere with some people, mostly down to long periods of me not talking, and they didn't offer much help to me either to start talking about something. There was one girl who i thought i got on well with her at the start, about my age. But it just started, when i was talking to her, and i could swear she was frowning, and i'm wondering "whats wrong with you" but i never addressed this situation with her. Then i started to have long periods of silence with her, and one sad thing was when she gave me drinks from the bar, she would bang them on the counter a little too harshly, and she did not do this to anyone else. I was finding it harder to talk to her, it seems that i have trouble talking to people who continually give me the cold shoulder. I just felt like i got treated differently by this girl, and then when someone else comes along to talk, she has more enthusiasm for that person.

 

The final dissappointment came at the staff party, an experience i never had before, a staff party. I felt like i could go there and it would just be one big laugh, i would talk, i would talk a good amount. However the mask slipped, and i became a bit upset that i was having no one to talk. Even though i was drunk, it didn't help me with talking it seemed. The girl i was talking about did not bother herself to talk to me, and when she was on the way out, i asked "is that you leaving", and she said "yes". She did not say "bye" or anything. On that same night there was another guy i hadn't talked to much, but he seemed he didn't want to do anything with me. So i quit the job after that, as i just thought this treatment was ridiculous, and you expect me to work the next week or so, with some guys who just plain blanked me at a social event where i hoped i could further enhance my social skills, and strengthen bonds with workers. It was a mixed emotion night. That was back in January of this year. Since then i haven't touched a drop of alcohol all because of that bad event, and i was never keen on alcohol anyway.

 

I am never happy when i don't talk and things start to get uncomfortable. I also feel like i don't deserve this snubbing, and makes you feel like your a dislikable person, and "Mr Unpopular". I don't have anyone to talk to about this. I feel this has happened too often, where most times people are snubbing me and no reason is given for why, but inside i know why, with the way i come across. It's not really to do with the way i look, but i believe some of it is, as i am notably good-looking. It makes you feel like you didn't belong there, you don't belong at that job, i feel like this bar work could be the wrong job for me, especially when you are cooked up in a small space with other people, and i find i am unintentionally annoying or upseting people, without any aggressive tactics. I just think i can give myself a much better representation of myself, like being more charismatic and i need to loosen up. Whether that makes me popular or not, i can't really say.

 

I have done plenty of research on the net in how to be become a better conversationalist, but it seems like something just ain't gelling, like i am not playing that process out into real life. I would hate to be in that same situation again, in a job where you ain't getting on well with the people there, making me look an outsider. Maybe i should try get a job that encourages me to express myself like acting.

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loose_end1975

Hi...you're not alone every feel awkward and out of place at some poitn in their life. some of us more than others. you can't make other people like you if you don't like yourself. you need to relax and accept that maybe you're not a social swinger. start appreciating the things that you do liek about yourself. and stop being defensive in social situations...sometimes the best thing to do is listen. if people are ribbing you, see if there's any truth in it and try not to get upset as far as possible. An active sense of humor is a huge plus so if you can, turn the joke on yourself and take it to a level they wouldn't. that really throws them off and gets you cool points. but if youre not handy with the humor, never lose sight of the fact that these people don't even know you and you know you're worth more than they think.

Also yes you're going to have to make some efforts toward initiating an dsustaining conversations. Asking people about themselves is always the best way to go. put yourself in their place, wouldn't you liek people to ask you what you liek to do or what your tastes etc are? It's scary and it needs a lot of work but the best of us crash and burn regularly. Remember they're just people...just liek you. No better No worse.

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Maybe have a look at the possibility that you are a highly sensative person, there are plenty of self help books about this subject. If you are very perceptive and value judge situations you may be scuppering your own attempts.

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What's ironic is that no-one replied to this

 

Like one of those "doctor - everyone keeps ignoring me" "next" jokes.

 

It sounds, Mezdar, as if you need to learn the art of managing silences without feeling that you should be filling them. I think that involves being able to tune things out and go into your own world.

 

Most people get those moments where they're sitting in a group of people, and suddenly everyone's talking to someone else and there's nobody for them to talk to. Look on those moments as rest breaks. Opportunities to have a look around the room and see what else is going on, covertly study your friends' body language or just drift off into a nice little dream.

 

You need to learn how to be more physically and psychologically relaxed in other people's company. If a particular group of people decides to alienate you, just look on it as a chance to observe others without having to participate in conversation that is probably pretty dull and mundane ("hubby's laying a new patio" "I'm taking the car for a service tomorrow" bla bla). Rudeness and stupidity often come as a package deal, so it's not necessarily worth knocking yourself out to get into conversations with people who are giving you bad vibes.

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