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Do you start to become out of step?


In Search Of... Having a hard time forming friendships or finding companions, lovers, or associates? Is someone pursuing an unwelcome relationship with you? Talk about your experiences here.

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Old 5th February 2018, 10:54 AM   #16
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I see nothing wrong with telling the truth. As someone who also started dating later in life, I'm TBH repelled by guys that has been around and round during their teens/early 20s. To me it speaks volumes about their priorities and not in a good way.

I'm sure you'll find someone who appreciate you for who you were. If you lead with a lie - they'll fall for a fake image of you and you don't want that.

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Originally Posted by ZA Dater View Post
How do you explain away a lack of dating? People ask me and sure I cobble up some rubbish but I think for most it doesn't hold much water. What do I actually say, surely I cannot say "well I haven't dated because nobody who I have liked has shown any interest in me", though I did actually say this a few times, much to the apparent disdain of the person I was telling it to.
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Old 5th February 2018, 4:55 PM   #17
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.surely I cannot say "well I haven't dated because nobody who I have liked has shown any interest in me", though I did actually say this a few times, much to the apparent disdain of the person I was telling it to.

You know that you will FAIL if you say that, yet you say it anyway.

You just might want to ask yourself why you intentionally set yourself up to lose.
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Old 5th February 2018, 8:29 PM   #18
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That question off the cuff is strange. I get the question "what are you looking for?", but I don't understand why how long your last relationship lasted is important enough that it can't wait. Maybe they want to make sure you aren't rebounding.( I think the majority of attractive people on OLD are rebounding, because it is a last resort sort of thing that would appeal to someone who needs a warm body asap) Or maybe they just aren't the best at conversation topics.

I know I probably shouldn't say this, but it starts way earlier than 30. I think the misalignment starts at puberty when everyone starts getting little crushes/bfs/gfs. Most people get their first emotionally involved "bf/gf" in their late if not mid- teens. In the event that doesn't work out, they go on to date more throughout their 20s.

Growing up, guys rarely asked me out and the few that did I ran from, so I had virtually 0 xp. I lied about it to explain the large missing gaps of dating life. I don't really recommend lying, but it didn't hurt. Guys never delved. Women might be different. Your best bet is to just say you've dated here and there (which is true, this board is evidence of that) and leave it at that. It might make you look like a player, but some chicks dig that. They may think they need to be the one to 'tame' you. If you lie you will probably get caught on it eventually. It's just not good to start a relationship with a lie.

But yeah, I get what you mean. I have long been out of step.
Iím with Cookies on this one. Give them a big fat lie.

You are in a conundrum like trying to get credit. You need credit to get credit, but you canít get credit without credit.

Itís not like you are lying about anything that is any of their business. Ask a woman how she would feel if a guy asked her how many sex partners sheís had. Most here will say ďNone of their business!Ē

The question is usually asked to see if you are looking for a rebound. Many women have asked me this and Iíve lied as well. ďoh itís been about 8-9 months since...Ē when it was actually only 2. None of their fíin business.

And it never became an issue because most relationships are temporary. Now I donít have to lie about how long since my last gf (though often lie about the timing since I slept with the last woman ďoh a few months agoĒ)

But say you find one and it get serious? Do you really think she is going to mind when sheís fallen in love with you? Thatís if you bother to tell her which I wouldnít.

Trust me, women arenít going to tell you the important stuff. They will never say they are entitled, not over an ex, immature, psycho. Those things you have to figure out on your own.

Sure, most people will bash me here but what you need is experience. In person Iím sure you give off a desperate vibe. End this.

Last thing you want is to fall for a girl just because she would take you.
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Old 5th February 2018, 9:55 PM   #19
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Iím with Cookies on this one. Give them a big fat lie.

You are in a conundrum like trying to get credit. You need credit to get credit, but you canít get credit without credit.

Itís not like you are lying about anything that is any of their business. Ask a woman how she would feel if a guy asked her how many sex partners sheís had. Most here will say ďNone of their business!Ē

The question is usually asked to see if you are looking for a rebound. Many women have asked me this and Iíve lied as well. ďoh itís been about 8-9 months since...Ē when it was actually only 2. None of their fíin business.

And it never became an issue because most relationships are temporary. Now I donít have to lie about how long since my last gf (though often lie about the timing since I slept with the last woman ďoh a few months agoĒ)

But say you find one and it get serious? Do you really think she is going to mind when sheís fallen in love with you? Thatís if you bother to tell her which I wouldnít.

Trust me, women arenít going to tell you the important stuff. They will never say they are entitled, not over an ex, immature, psycho. Those things you have to figure out on your own.

Sure, most people will bash me here but what you need is experience. In person Iím sure you give off a desperate vibe. End this.

Last thing you want is to fall for a girl just because she would take you.
This is so gold. I'm an old spinster, much like ZA D, and I worry about getting desperate and doing this. Replace 'a girl' with 'someone' and make a meme out of this already!
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Old 5th February 2018, 10:34 PM   #20
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There aren't many things which get to me and worry me but this one of them. I REALLY am not interested in single mothers of divorced ladies with kids. It seems the only way to avoid this is to be able to somehow remain relevant to younger people.


I think its wrong to judge people based on the past because its just that, the past. Past actions don't always indicated future direction.


Because I have no relationship experience makes me worse than some guy who has but slept with half the town? Ironically for years I went looking for people who had what I perceived to be limited relationship experience because I thought I would be a better fit with them.


Maybe the answer to all of this is to put oneself first, work on a very specific set of goals and substitute dating in the pursuit of those goals.


Going out this weekend (and smiling) I was once again struck how one dimensional many people are. Someone wanted to go on a date and what was a first for me I said "no", she just wanted to hook up and I got the sense she was "easy" (learnt my lesion from the last time I came across a person like this).


When it comes to single moms I have reason not to like them, went a few dates with a few and perhaps its nasty to say but most are simply looking for economic benefits at best and at worst a substitute father for their kids.. Again this is just based on my own experience. There was one who didn't want either of those but wouldn't date me because I didn't go to church. The irony of that was amazing to me but lost on her.


Truly the only way to not become irrelevant is to wield some sort of economic power and that's my ultimate objective, have enough material success to be able to date people I like even if they only date me for that success.

l can understand you not wanting someone divorced or with someone elses kids especially when your not in that situation yourself. why should you , your fresh with a clean slate you only ask the same.

They are around especially at that sort of age there's been a lot even right here on ls.
On the date site l was on there were quite a few women talking older , 40s never married no kids.
lf l hadn't been there myself there'd be no way l'd get involved with someone divorced with kids.

Last edited by Chilli; 5th February 2018 at 10:37 PM..
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Old 6th February 2018, 1:14 AM   #21
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Last thing you want is to fall for a girl just because she would take you.

This is a very real and present problem. The only way I avoid this "desperation trap" is to have a very rigid list of "wants" because I know being as starved of attention that I am , quite possibly the above would happen if I got a reasonable amount of attention.


Having said that when I am asked about "when was your last relationship" I tend to either ignore the question or skirt around it or mention I find the question irrelevant, which it is in my opinion.


I do think a lot of my problem lies in not meeting any really suitable people organically (i.e. not on dating sites). This really leads to the whole issue of being ever further out of step.


On the single moms front, there is probably one I would consider going out with, a distant FB friend but the fundamentals are wrong, once again its someone very religious and that does not work for me at all.
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Old 6th February 2018, 6:31 PM   #22
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This is a very real and present problem. The only way I avoid this "desperation trap" is to have a very rigid list of "wants" because I know being as starved of attention that I am , quite possibly the above would happen if I got a reasonable amount of attention.


Having said that when I am asked about "when was your last relationship" I tend to either ignore the question or skirt around it or mention I find the question irrelevant, which it is in my opinion.


I do think a lot of my problem lies in not meeting any really suitable people organically (i.e. not on dating sites). This really leads to the whole issue of being ever further out of step.


On the single moms front, there is probably one I would consider going out with, a distant FB friend but the fundamentals are wrong, once again its someone very religious and that does not work for me at all.
I like the advice Scarlett gave you especially. Just say you haven't met the right person yet. You can even joke around about how no worries you're a normal dude whose Momma doesn't still dress him. Then lead the conversation onto something else about her.

In general though, dismissing, arguing, or trying to prove wrong, ect... just doesn't work so well when it comes to developing attraction/connection with your dates. In fact, it comes across defensive which would raise the red flags about as much as anything. (And yes, if you do it, it would explain the aforementioned blocking on the part of the women towards you.)
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Old 7th February 2018, 1:09 AM   #23
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I like the advice Scarlett gave you especially. Just say you haven't met the right person yet. You can even joke around about how no worries you're a normal dude whose Momma doesn't still dress him. Then lead the conversation onto something else about her.

In general though, dismissing, arguing, or trying to prove wrong, ect... just doesn't work so well when it comes to developing attraction/connection with your dates. In fact, it comes across defensive which would raise the red flags about as much as anything. (And yes, if you do it, it would explain the aforementioned blocking on the part of the women towards you.)


Agreed and I have often used variations of the bold, in a few instances only to get asked the same question later on in the date so I guess they do pick up something "off" which makes them ask the question again.


I only usually get dismissive the second time the question is asked and usually by that time I have already decided I don't like the person anyway so if I don't see them again its not much of a loss for me.


What I don't really get is why people are fixated with what relationships others have had or the working thereof. As someone who more often than not has liked people who aren't/weren't single I have had a look at how they seem to work and my conclusion (albeit off a very limited pool) is that many relationships are severely compromised or dysfunctional. In at least three instances I am convinced if I was somewhat more "conventional" I might have had some success in those pursuits, so compromised were those relationships.


Ultimately I think you either succeed or fail based on your ability to read what people want when you meet them. The guys who succeed most, at least the ones I know have this amazing confidence and charm which seems to cover any fault they may have. I am more of "tell it how it see it" devoid of that charm which I guess doesn't really work.


I also wonder how/if our formative years effect how we are able to build relationships later on in life.
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Old 7th February 2018, 2:01 AM   #24
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Originally Posted by ZA Dater View Post
Agreed and I have often used variations of the bold, in a few instances only to get asked the same question later on in the date so I guess they do pick up something "off" which makes them ask the question again.


I only usually get dismissive the second time the question is asked and usually by that time I have already decided I don't like the person anyway so if I don't see them again its not much of a loss for me.


What I don't really get is why people are fixated with what relationships others have had or the working thereof. As someone who more often than not has liked people who aren't/weren't single I have had a look at how they seem to work and my conclusion (albeit off a very limited pool) is that many relationships are severely compromised or dysfunctional. In at least three instances I am convinced if I was somewhat more "conventional" I might have had some success in those pursuits, so compromised were those relationships.


Ultimately I think you either succeed or fail based on your ability to read what people want when you meet them. The guys who succeed most, at least the ones I know have this amazing confidence and charm which seems to cover any fault they may have. I am more of "tell it how it see it" devoid of that charm which I guess doesn't really work.


I also wonder how/if our formative years effect how we are able to build relationships later on in life.
Then learn to be more charming. You will have more success in life which I turn breeds confidence.

Charm isn't about telling people anything. It's about active listening. It's about engaging them. It's about mirroring. It's about making the other person feel valued and respected. It's about bringing joy to their lives through laughter. It's about appreciating their accomplishments. Charm makes the other person feel important!

Ten Genuine Ways Anyone Can Be Exceptionally Charming
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Old 7th February 2018, 3:52 AM   #25
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On a first meet I only have control over me but what I don't do is to become dismissive even if I am not interested in dating that man.
It makes no difference what they do but I never leave a date with any sour taste in their mouth about me.
If. as you say you become dismissive maybe that's why you get blocked?

Are you charming as per JJ's link there all the way through a first meet?
His link describes how to engage with people which go alongside use of your own body language and facial expressions.

As for wanting to know something about a person's relationship history I want to know how they handle dating and relationships.
To me it's not irrelevant at all as it can be an indicator of what it might be like to date that guy.A common kind of example is the guy who tells me all of his exes are psychos or that a guy shifts all blame to his exes for the break up reason.

A man of your age having no relationship history wouldn't necessarily turn me off but I'd be curious and ask questions.
If a guy told me that 'x' years ago he was in a 2 year-long relationship or something and I did end up dating him it may well become obvious when we got intimate that it wasn't something he had previously experienced.
His attitude about it would be the make or break as to whether to continue dating.
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Old 7th February 2018, 5:04 AM   #26
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On a first meet I only have control over me but what I don't do is to become dismissive even if I am not interested in dating that man.
It makes no difference what they do but I never leave a date with any sour taste in their mouth about me.
If. as you say you become dismissive maybe that's why you get blocked?

Are you charming as per JJ's link there all the way through a first meet?
His link describes how to engage with people which go alongside use of your own body language and facial expressions.

As for wanting to know something about a person's relationship history I want to know how they handle dating and relationships.
To me it's not irrelevant at all as it can be an indicator of what it might be like to date that guy.A common kind of example is the guy who tells me all of his exes are psychos or that a guy shifts all blame to his exes for the break up reason.

A man of your age having no relationship history wouldn't necessarily turn me off but I'd be curious and ask questions.
If a guy told me that 'x' years ago he was in a 2 year-long relationship or something and I did end up dating him it may well become obvious when we got intimate that it wasn't something he had previously experienced.
His attitude about it would be the make or break as to whether to continue dating.


The strange thing is I have never been interested in my dates dating history, for me its completely irrelevant so when 15 minutes is spent asking me questions about mine, yes I do become dismissing and at that point I am no longer interested in the person so if they block me I couldn't really care less.


Or I get asked "why did it end, what happened" again irrelevant and more of a problem if I massage the truth and say something like "I dated 3 years ago".


I am not charming but I do take an interest and listen intently to what people tell me and I try engage them on that subject even if its one that doesn't really interest me. I had a nice date with an au pair and all we really talked about were the 3 kids she looks after.


Body language and facial expressions are very hard work because then I become un natural and just plain awkward. I tried for years trying to replicate some of these with little success. I am more relaxed when I am simply me.


One of the things I do now to avoid the social stigma of no gf is to imply that I do try to date, which is partially true even if its maybe 4 dates a year. A case in point of how different I end up being is this, sit at a coffee shop with a friend, athletic pretty girl walks past


Him: wow she is hot, I'd love to .... her.
Me: She looks great, I'd like to get to know her.


There is the complete difference as to how I go about things.
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Old 7th February 2018, 11:42 AM   #27
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Maybe part of the problem is a lack of sexual tension.

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Originally Posted by ZA Dater View Post

One of the things I do now to avoid the social stigma of no gf is to imply that I do try to date, which is partially true even if its maybe 4 dates a year. A case in point of how different I end up being is this, sit at a coffee shop with a friend, athletic pretty girl walks past


Him: wow she is hot, I'd love to .... her.
Me: She looks great, I'd like to get to know her.


There is the complete difference as to how I go about things.
On an instinctual level, women want to be desired for their looks, beauty, health, etc. That isn't to say they don't want you to appreciate the other stuff too, but if you insist, or give the impression that the cosmetic angle isn't that important to you as the other things, you're in a way, denying her her basic desire to be desired. You're almost saying "I don't find you attractive, but don't worry because I'm not interested in looks anyways." Hardly flattering. Also, you might think branding yourself as the nice guy who doesn't care about such things gives you a certain niche, but in reality, her subconscious is going to make her think less of you. All men desire beauty and on a primal level, objectify women (at least in the visual sense), and women know this. The man who insists he doesn't care about beauty probably insists so because he lacks the competence to actually be with someone with beauty, and that's how he justifies it to himself and to the world. It's counterintuitive, and counter-biological even, so it warrants caution or skepticism from people.

Don't neglect the sexual undertones of your interactions. Yeah, it's ok to be nice, as long as that's not all you are. At the end of the day, women still want to know that you desire them. And if you're the kind of guy who just waves the "I'm just a nice guy who wants to get to know you and nothing else" flag, it may be counterproductive. You need to make her feel some heat too.
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Old 7th February 2018, 3:24 PM   #28
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It may be the lack of sexuality. It might be sending LGBF vibes or just creeping them out in general.
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Old 7th February 2018, 4:11 PM   #29
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[QUOTE=ZA Dater;7532294]The strange thing is I have never been interested in my dates dating history, for me its completely irrelevant[/quote[
You can see just by multitudes of threads on here how past relationships can impact or tell a story about someone enough to suss out how dating them might be.
You probably read here only and have no interest on a meet though - which could come across as not being very interested in getting to know the emotional side of them.
Many people say to never talk about past relationships on a date but as long as people don't drone on I think it's a good way to get an idea of someone.
Dating will come up - because you're on a date or a dating app/site so it's bound to be a topic. You need to deal with that and not sulk - it kinda sounds like you sulk, get defensive and shut down from what you're saying.

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so when 15 minutes is spent asking me questions about mine, yes I do become dismissing and at that point I am no longer interested in the person so if they block me I couldn't really care less.
Your choice if you choose to dismiss them but they're trying to get to know your emotional side. See above for sulking.
You also do seem to care as you start a thread when someone blocks you.

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Or I get asked "why did it end, what happened" again irrelevant and more of a problem if I massage the truth and say something like "I dated 3 years ago".
So don't lie, just be yourself. Tell the truth.

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I am not charming
So be charming, did you read JJ's very good link?
Practice it, learn it, you can totally still be you, just a charming you.

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Originally Posted by ZA Dater View Post
Body language and facial expressions are very hard work because then I become un natural and just plain awkward. I tried for years trying to replicate some of these with little success. I am more relaxed when I am simply me.
Oh for goodness sake!! Body language and facial expressions are your own - there's just learned behaviours to have some control over is all!
An example - your best friend is walking towards you with drinks, he is looking at you and the drinks trying not to spill them, not at the ground. He trips on a rock accidentally and you get the drinks all over you as a result.
Do you scowl at him or smile, laugh and see it was an accident?

I think one of the things I first posted in response to you some years ago was to learn a bit about body language - as in learn what is positive looking and negative looking when you meet someone - I am pretty sure I even described it. There are so many books and videos on the subject - have you ever done any research at all?
It's a fascinating subject - from a personal and a people watching angle.
It's also part of why I keep attempting to encourage you to smile (OK you say you did start smiling) but also just having queue conversations or whatever with anyone and everyone - not just a potential date - practice it.

I agree with Normal Person in that - and I know it already that there is no sexual tension being delivered by you.

Much as women love men who love our minds there's animal instinct too - we also love sex and that is where dating is different to friendships.

ZA, you need to do some research, learning and practising things, otherwise you will not get a second date but any meet or date you have is an ideal opportunity to practise.
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Old 7th February 2018, 5:05 PM   #30
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I agree with what the other posters are saying. ZA, you provide only snapshots but this is what I think is happening. Basically, when you are on your dates you seem to like to stick to safe topics like hobbies and work. You also don't compliment your dates or carry yourself around them so they feel the male-female polarity. And when your dates do bring up deeper topics--e.g., in this thread past relationships--you end up getting defensive and dashing away from it.

If nothing else, that women are bringing up past relationship history should give YOU a chance to delve into *their* lives--what makes them, them. Why would you NOT be curious about that This also may even be a great chance to introduce some sexual tension and make a quick joke about make-up sex or angry-sex (without staying on the topic or being smarmy about it of course). Anyway, what is happening instead is that you are being offered these great chances to get to know these women on a more emotional level, and you just keep passing up on them.

You need to understand that avoiding topics uncomfortable to you isn't going to cut it. If all you talk about is surface stuff (hobbies, what do you do for work, ect) then there is no connection and there will be no second date.

RE what @GammaUK said body language and whatnot, I am thinking of an interaction I had with the cashier of the grocery store I went to during my lunch today. Now we aren't in each other's dating pool, I am like twice her age for one thing. But I will give her this, when she asked 'how my day was going', she looked right into my eyes and I could feel it. And if I could feel it as a man, how do you think women feel when we focus our attention on them?

You may think it's such a small thing. But body language such as this, means a lot, especially over the course of a date. Whether you are focused on her during the conversation and giving her solid eye-contact and touches on the hand and shoulder (without overdoing it), OR whether you are fidgeting and looking away, can really make or break the date. Something for you to consider.

Last edited by Imajerk17; 7th February 2018 at 8:12 PM..
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