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I keep putting myself in bad situations


In Search Of... Having a hard time forming friendships or finding companions, lovers, or associates? Is someone pursuing an unwelcome relationship with you? Talk about your experiences here.

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Old 28th January 2018, 4:36 PM   #1
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I keep putting myself in bad situations

I keep putting myself in bad situations where I know the guy I like won't like me back as much, can't give me what I want, or will hurt me in some way. It becomes not only a "But I like him so much" kind of thing but a "if he does end up liking me or giving me what I want, I will feel so much better about myself" kind of thing. I think I date bad guys as a form of self harm. I feel sick to my stomach.

I just abruptly ended it with one guy I was seeing who was playing hot and cold, keeping me a secret (while also saying he thought I was great) and openly saying he would never commit to me and I feel so weak because even though I was the one who ended it with him, **I** was the one who began to hesitate, got teary-eyed, and ultimately now feel rejected.

I'm scheduling an appointment with a therapist immediately.

An ex who treated me very poorly always said that "you teach people how they treat you" and I was a doormat and let him be terrible to me for sometime, and then ended it with him because I couldn't stand how he was treating me, and he never made any steps to treat me any better.

I feel like a complete failure because I'm either 1)dating unavailable men or 2)am incapable of making them see my value. Or both.

I know what is bad for me but always see these things through and I feel like I only have myself to blame.
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Old 28th January 2018, 4:45 PM   #2
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I guess I'm not a complete doormat.... I leave once I realize I can't get the amount of respect that I want. But if I knew that I probably wouldn't get it, what does that say about me?

I guess dating is lying down with your belly up, exposed, and I just have to treat myself better and pick better people. I feel so lame
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Old 28th January 2018, 5:44 PM   #3
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Look, don't be so hard on yourself. A lot of us have done this before. I was pretty bad about it myself. Rather than self harm, I think it's a self-esteem issue. Using the person to validate yourself and make yourself feel more valuable. As if you're not enough just by yourself and so you may be trying to elevate yourself.

But I mean, it could be a number of things. But your ex is absolutely right. Before you even date again, do see the therapist, but also sit down and make a list of behaviors that OUGHT to make anyone stop putting up with someone. Those are your boundaries, and then no matter how emotionally caught up you become, go get that list and make yourself draw the line in the sand and set boundaries when someone is crossing them or not meeting your standard. It is true you teach people how to treat you. Fear keeps you doing that. Fear of them walking away. Let those walk away. They're not a good match anyway. BUT you can't blame them for crossing boundaries and giving you bad respect if you don't let them know when they've done it.
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Old 28th January 2018, 5:53 PM   #4
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First up, you can't make people see your value. If you truly believe in your own value, then others will be able to see your value *if they choose to*. Thing is, there are some who will never see value in anyone but themselves and there's nothing you can do about that except move on. Or, they will see value in a different style of personality. Doesn't mean that you're doing anything wrong, this is more about compatibility.

Turn it around so that the message is "I will learn to value myself. When I have this figured out, I will only date men who see my value"
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Old 28th January 2018, 10:41 PM   #5
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Thanks guys for your kind words.
I just feel like I'm going absolutely crazy. I do think it's a low self esteem thing and it makes me feel sick that every guy I'm with probably sees it.
The latest guy did cross some boundaries (started what appeared to be a slow fade after sex, a lot less communication, not making eye contact or talking to everyone but me, etc) and that's a major reason that I decided to break it off. I had told him that sex is a big investment for me and I would need him to speak to me as well.
I know what I want but I always feel so frustrated when I don't get it, like it's my fault or something.

I guess the next question I have is whether I will stay friends with him or not. He's a nice enough guy and we see each other enough. But I feel so sick.
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Old 28th January 2018, 11:02 PM   #6
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I was about to say exactly what basil wrote, you can't "make" someone see your value. If you feel that you have value, you will conduct yourself in a way that you only associate with others who see your value and treat you with love and respect. That is what you need to work on...

You know that now, you have seen the pattern. It's one of my favorite saying... "When you know better, you do better." I wish you luck with your counselling session... it is probably the best thing that you can do to acheive your goal of a healthy, happy relationship.

Best wishes.
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Old 29th January 2018, 2:25 AM   #7
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The good news is, once you do therapy for a while you won't make those same mistakes and choices in men.

You don't have much self love or self respect for yourself right now but you will soon!
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Old 29th January 2018, 6:04 PM   #8
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Quote:
Originally Posted by healthyhopes View Post
Thanks guys for your kind words.
I just feel like I'm going absolutely crazy. I do think it's a low self esteem thing and it makes me feel sick that every guy I'm with probably sees it.
The latest guy did cross some boundaries (started what appeared to be a slow fade after sex, a lot less communication, not making eye contact or talking to everyone but me, etc) and that's a major reason that I decided to break it off. I had told him that sex is a big investment for me and I would need him to speak to me as well.
I know what I want but I always feel so frustrated when I don't get it, like it's my fault or something.

I guess the next question I have is whether I will stay friends with him or not. He's a nice enough guy and we see each other enough. But I feel so sick.
NO, you won't be friends with him because you don't like the way he treats you. That doesn't just apply to bf candidates but to friends as well.
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Old 29th January 2018, 7:03 PM   #9
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Originally Posted by healthyhopes View Post
I guess the next question I have is whether I will stay friends with him or not. He's a nice enough guy and we see each other enough. But I feel so sick.
Exes don't become friends. They just fade into the distance and become someone you used to know.
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Old 30th January 2018, 11:15 PM   #10
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why did he treat me badly, but treats his friends like gold?

Thanks guys. I won't be friends with him.

I just can't get over the fact that he treats his friends SO well-- he is ALWAYS around them, basically licks the dirt off their feet, but treated me poorly. He told me he is like this in all relationships, and treated his ex negatively as well (I'm not sure if worse or better than me). I really don't understand this at all, is it an insecurity thing? I can't get over the fact that I somehow conditioned him to treat me badly. When we were friends, we did interact better, but we still never hung out or anything (maybe because I was just friends during this time? Or that I am not in such a high-esteem group as they are? Or because I never asked him to hang out?)
I literally don't understand it
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