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Does persistence mean real love?


In Search Of... Having a hard time forming friendships or finding companions, lovers, or associates? Is someone pursuing an unwelcome relationship with you? Talk about your experiences here.

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Old 21st January 2018, 1:08 AM   #46
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I thought he was cool and cute and I would have liked to kick it with him and get to know before red flags started popping. He began to show his crazy too early. I felt bad because he said it was at an emotional time due to work and to give it a chance. I felt guilty mainly because I blamed myself that I hadn't responded to his texts and that is maybe why he went off the deep-end. I know now I made the right decision with the help LS. Thank you

Last edited by Cookiesandough; 21st January 2018 at 2:40 AM..
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Old 21st January 2018, 3:03 AM   #47
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This isn't really "persistence", this is clinginess and possibly danger. Persistence to me is sticking through a difficult time with a partner, weathering the storms with them, helping them through a rough patch. Being crazy is not "persistence" IMO.
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Old 21st January 2018, 3:26 AM   #48
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Yeah yeah, I know I said I'd go and I will, I just have been really bothered by something the last few days. I needed to return to get it off my chest.

On Sunday night I had a date with a man that turned clingy. The next day I told him "we are not a match". Basically, he sent around 30 texts in row saying he knows I still want it, give it a chance. I wasn't sure what to think, so I blocked. Yesterday I received 3 mysterious phone calls I didn't answer and 3 text message screenshots via the app we met on of a conversation he had with his friend. He is telling him how he messed up by overtexting me, he tends to do that when he's excited about a person and nothing makes him go crazy like being ignored. His friend said that's a classic mistake. He also wrote that he possibly lost half of his employees. at his job. His friend extended his condolences. He said to his friend "yeah but ****ing things up with [my name] was just too much for me to handle yesterday and i had a meltdown"

Then after those screenshots were sent, he wrote it was the worst day of his life and he barely managed to sleep. He said please have do-over and this cannot seriously be the end can it?

The ordeal was so traumatic I cancelled the other date I had planned and I've just been trying to focus on studying but it's hard because this person's words really impacted me.


I either have gone bat**** insane or I really am passing up on something important.

I say this because I am aware this guy can get laid quite easily. I see he's got a lot of girls following/liking. The way he is acting is such a juxtaposition to his attitude when we we first started hanging. So why is he acting so desperate if there really wasn't a connection? Why is he so adamant about there being a connection? I also saw he put our astrological star sign's compatibility info on his Instagram. Who does that ?

A person that cares. Crazy person? Probably. But they must care. I am crazy too at times. And everyone knows that there's a certain feeling when you meet someone you like. I know feelings can feel smothering and suffocating when we don't see it at first or are going at a different pace than the other person. And it can feel smothering and suffocating when you are happy being free/single, but maybe that all just take some adjusting to.

And to be honest, I looked at some pictures on his instagram, and I can't believe I'm saying this, but he's still pretty attractive to me. I could probably still be attracted to him if he is honest when he says he will stop being this way. I was really attracted at one point.


I feel bad for not giving him a shot. I feel guilty. Especially if it's true it was spurred on by possibly losing half his employees. Like maybe this is what I need at this point. I spent so much time running from it and blocking and ignoring people who persisted and it never got me anywhere. I just run in circles. I feel if I skip out on this I'll just be repeating history.... only liking it when people seem unavailable. And afterall, how bad could it be to just keep dating him? It's just a date

Well, here's my take on it as a random guy on the internet.

If i were to meet a woman I was really really head over heels with -- hell yes, i would probably go a little nuts and do everything I can to convince her I am head over heels about her.

BUT....

this guys 30 texts in a row and the mysterious phone calls .. plus the talk about job stuff does seem a little off balance. it also makes no sense how you seem to think he's good looking and should be able to get laid easily but is coming on soo strong to you.

How about this, take a base ball approach. Give him three strikes and hes out if its a no go. Did the first date go well or not? I can't actually tell because you are more focused on the post date stuff that this dude is doing.

Sooo.... forget for a moment how much of a "hottie" this guy is and try to remember -- did you actually like him? did you feel comfortable being around him on that first date.
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Old 21st January 2018, 3:42 AM   #49
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Were the red flags popping up during the first date, or afterwards following the rejection? Just curious is all. I agree you made the right decision.
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Old 21st January 2018, 3:44 AM   #50
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Well, here's my take on it as a random guy on the internet.

If i were to meet a woman I was really really head over heels with -- hell yes, i would probably go a little nuts and do everything I can to convince her I am head over heels about her.
What. Why? If she told you she thinks you're awesome but you are not a match, you would do everything to convince her you're head over heels about her? Why do men do this? The issue isn't regarding his interest in her, but her interest in him.

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it also makes no sense how you seem to think he's good looking and should be able to get laid easily but is coming on soo strong to you.
[/quote]

It makes sense when you consider attractive people can also be crazy.

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How about this, take a base ball approach. Give him three strikes and hes out if its a no go. Did the first date go well or not? I can't actually tell because you are more focused on the post date stuff that this dude is doing.

Sooo.... forget for a moment how much of a "hottie" this guy is and try to remember -- did you actually like him? did you feel comfortable being around him on that first date.
The date went well but not really attracted to him anymore after learning aspects of his personality like that he's crazy
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Old 21st January 2018, 3:46 AM   #51
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Were the red flags popping up during the first date, or afterwards following the rejection? Just curious is all. I agree you made the right decision.
Not at the beginning. We met at 8pm (it was supposed to be at 6 but i was running late)The beginning went well. We kissed and had great conversation. He seemed really cool. Then as I was leaving at 12am he went weird.

TYSM

Last edited by Cookiesandough; 21st January 2018 at 5:06 AM..
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Old 21st January 2018, 6:42 AM   #52
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Yeah I don't really get why people are hating on this guy so much. I see no problem in how he acted. But I don't claim to be normal around these parts so whatevs.

I would still be seeing him and probably in bliss right now. But than again, I wouldn't have been scared off in the first place and the perceived "meltdown" wouldn't have happened.

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Old 21st January 2018, 9:48 AM   #53
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The first post here sounded cray cray to me yet you seemed pretty OK with it OP.
Enough anyway to go on a date and kiss.
30 texts and I would be ancient history. That's not persistence that's bombardment.

What happened when you were leaving for you to think he was crazy?
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Old 21st January 2018, 10:57 AM   #54
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Originally Posted by Cookiesandough View Post
What. Why? If she told you she thinks you're awesome but you are not a match, you would do everything to convince her you're head over heels about her? Why do men do this? The issue isn't regarding his interest in her, but her interest in him.

We men have been 'taught'/told/conditioned to expect LOTS of often CONTRADICTORY behaviors from women. ONE of those behaviors is 'playing hard to get'. We are told this behavior is a FALSE signal of disinterest, where we are being tested to check how 'serious' we are about our own interest. To 'pass' that particular test, we are expected to very visibly demonstrate our interest. That is 'why men do this'.

How much is too much? To me, Cookies' date is WAY 'over the top'. jjgitties said he'd 'go a little nuts' but did not elaborate. Me? Since my own return to dating I don't think I've gone nuts ... yet. None of my dates have yet bothered to SAY 'I don't think we're a match'. They've only indicated so by low interest or lack of communication. I've backed off if there was no mutual interest. But that's just me.
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Old 21st January 2018, 11:51 AM   #55
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I guess I am different. I don't do the lovebomb stuff. I make an effort and leave it alone.

I am not the type to over pursue a woman. I don't care who she is. I know my self worth and I don't let it go to my head.

Its funny how attraction works. For me. The more warm and sweet a woman is to me, with out me having to work it. The more I find myself drawn to her.
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Old 21st January 2018, 2:20 PM   #56
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Originally Posted by GemmaUK View Post
The first post here sounded cray cray to me yet you seemed pretty OK with it OP.
Enough anyway to go on a date and kiss.
30 texts and I would be ancient history. That's not persistence that's bombardment.

What happened when you were leaving for you to think he was crazy?
Whaa you mean the first post I made about him? I did not go on any dates since the first post in this thread. All the stuff in OP happened after our first date and I wasn't ok with it I just felt guilty and maybe some of it was my fault and I should go on another date even though I didn't want to. I decided not to though and I never will. Ty

LOL pops. Youre funny xD

I can't see you doing that, Mysterio. You seem very logical and level-headed.
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Originally Posted by nospam99 View Post
We men have been 'taught'/told/conditioned to expect LOTS of often CONTRADICTORY behaviors from women. ONE of those behaviors is 'playing hard to get'. We are told this behavior is a FALSE signal of disinterest, where we are being tested to check how 'serious' we are about our own interest. To 'pass' that particular test, we are expected to very visibly demonstrate our interest. That is 'why men do this'.

How much is too much? To me, Cookies' date is WAY 'over the top'. jjgitties said he'd 'go a little nuts' but did not elaborate. Me? Since my own return to dating I don't think I've gone nuts ... yet. None of my dates have yet bothered to SAY 'I don't think we're a match'. They've only indicated so by low interest or lack of communication. I've backed off if there was no mutual interest. But that's just me.

Oh okay. That explains a lot I think. Thank you. "Yet" lol. Your dates have never said you are not a match, but may I ask if one of your dates ever decided that you were not a match would you rather be told this or rather just show it? Personally, I'd rather just be hinted by lack of interest, but everyone is different. Some people find it more difficult than others If they did say it, I would tell them I respect their decision and go might sad for awhile but get over it

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Old 21st January 2018, 3:22 PM   #57
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I think being silly is to try persist doing the same thing (yes I know the mutterings of some seeing me type those words) but you also need to look at a situation dispassionately, sure, someone might not want to date you but they might be a great friend.


You can turn a negative into a positive. I don't believe anyone should give up on what they want in life but along the road you need to create positive from negative.


Love for me in terms of relationships, I don't believe it exists 99% of the time, purely because more often than not that love is for something tangible rather than love for the persons intangible qualities.


Life is such a big journey, you need to persist but in a positive way, if someone really doesn't like you at all in, then walk but my experience is seldom will that be the case.


Guys unfortunately, especially those who battle at dating can persist in the wrong creepy way and that never works well, all is lost. I have been guilty of this in the past, today I just let it go, if she doesn't like me then so be it, I'll ultimately open my eyes and find something I cant stand about her and feel much better for doing so.
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Old 21st January 2018, 3:28 PM   #58
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Originally Posted by Cookiesandough View Post
Your dates have never said you are not a match, but may I ask if one of your dates ever decided that you were not a match would you rather be told this or rather just show it? Personally, I'd rather just be hinted by lack of interest, but everyone is different. Some people find it more difficult than others If they did say it, I would tell them I respect their decision and go might sad for awhile but get over it
Though I 'tone it down' a lot in interpersonal situations, I am stone-cold at the office. I find it easy to understand direct verbal communication and don't like the ambiguity inherent is trying to 'read' someone's thoughts if they 'just show it'. So, my quick answer to your question is that I'd rather be told if a date felt that we were not a match.

But I have to hedge my answer. Regardless of my personal preference, I understand that people don't like to hurt other people's feelings. Especially in the potentially romantic situations we are discussing, I recognize that there is emotional pain in the giving as well as in the receiving of a 'we're through' message. So I couldn't and wouldn't fault a woman who breaks up without a blunt, in your (my) face verbal statement. By the same token, if the shoe was on the other foot (like going nuts, hasn't happened yet) I dread having to deal with how to deliver a break-up message.
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Old 1st February 2018, 9:53 AM   #59
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Persistence is often effective, but it doesn’t mean love.
It's been over 2 weeks. I unblocked him about a week ago. Today I received "Hi, xxxxx, It's xxxx xxxxxx. I was able to keep all my employees and successfully managed to navigate through one of the biggest challenges of my career thus far.


My mindset when that whole thing began caused me to not act like myself. That wasn't me.

I would like the chance to get to know each other better and casually date as our schedules allow.

Can I please see you again?

Also, hope your classes are going well."


MidnightKnight is right. It works. I am going to text this guy this afternoon that his persistence did scare me a little but I understand and we can give it a shot. Mainly because he is really good looking. I know...the flesh is weak. And it's a casual date. What's the worst that could happen? I become a skin suit?

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Old 1st February 2018, 10:42 AM   #60
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My prediction?

You are going to lose sleep over this / him.

Take from that what you will. And stay observant of his behavior.
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