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Ladies who do OLD, how do you select?


Cookiesandough

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Cookiesandough

Hi. How do you choose which man you talk to when there several men who seem like they might have potential? It's just a few pics and a couple paragraphs. Not much to go on. What is your criteria on there? Do you just ignore the others? Thanks

Edited by Cookiesandough
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Although not a woman, I would say there are three criteria they use:

 

1) Attraction, 2) Attraction. 3) Attraction.

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Cookiesandough
Although not a woman, I would say there are three criteria they use:

 

1) Attraction, 2) Attraction. 3) Attraction.

 

Lol. I guess that makes sense

 

But sometimes there are several similarly attractive guys with solid profiles. Most people can only realistically devote themselves to a handful of convos max. It must have to be a somewhat random selection. Right place, right time in the inbox. Then they still have ignore all the other men which makes me feel really bad and extremely anxious. I can’t really focus on the guy(s) I can talk to, because what what if one of the men I’m ignoring is a better match.

 

Oh well I’ll wing it.

Edited by Cookiesandough
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Do you contact men you think have potential, or only respond if they've contacted first and have potential?

 

The more proactive you are, the better your matches and chances, in my experience. Most of the women I dated initiated contact.

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Why do you have to choose at this point? Talk to them all. Arrange to meet them all. Then (if you don't want to multi date) choose the one you like the most.

 

You shouldn't be having long involved convos on there anyway so keeping track shouldn't be a problem.

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Yes, this sucks. It pretty much forces you to only talk to the most attractive looking one. This is why meeting someone the old fashioned way in person is so much better, because it’s just you and him and not some feast. Both you and him get to focus.

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CautiouslyOptimistic
Do you contact men you think have potential, or only respond if they've contacted first and have potential?

 

The more proactive you are, the better your matches and chances, in my experience. Most of the women I dated initiated contact.

 

Cookies is very beautiful, so I'm guessing she doesn't have to do a lot of the initial contacting :).

 

My advice is that most of this can be sussed out via conversations with them, so if you have interest, don't initially ignore any of them.

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heartbrokenlady
Although not a woman, I would say there are three criteria they use:

 

1) Attraction, 2) Attraction. 3) Attraction.

 

 

For me, not too good looking and I’ll swipe right. Don’t like posing / fake guys. Then if he sounds human and interesting I’ll talk to him. Any sexual chat = block. If he’s boring = block.

 

It’s more about what he says than his photographs for me.

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Cookies is very beautiful, so I'm guessing she doesn't have to do a lot of the initial contacting :).

 

My advice is that most of this can be sussed out via conversations with them, so if you have interest, don't initially ignore any of them.

 

 

 

If she's getting some of the right kinds of contacts, then yes, that works. However, some of her best prospects (or men she'd actually like best), may not be initiating contact for some reason - perhaps some would feel that she's out of their league?

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Cookiesandough
Yes, this sucks. It pretty much forces you to only talk to the most attractive looking one. This is why meeting someone the old fashioned way in person is so much better, because it’s just you and him and not some feast. Both you and him get to focus.

 

 

Ty all!! Thank you for such kind words CA

Yes, pops. You are going by how flashy his profile is. How good his pictures ard and how well-written his profile is. That really says nothing about your compatibility with them. You can never know until you meet, but I seem to have a history of meeting with a lot of people who I am not compatible with at all. Except for a few, I knew this before we met but I’d been talking to them for awhile(like 10 back and forths) so I figured let’s meet.

 

Ideally, I’d want to talk to everyone who interested in talking, but the way OLD is set up with men messaging as many women as can, that’s hard. It’s even harder for me to open up a profile and see we are not romantically incompatible and just stop talking them. No where else in the world would I just stop talking to someone because we’re not a romantic match, so I guess I don’t like it and wouldn’t want it done to me either. But that’s dating. Maybe I just need a harder shell. I have considered just not looking at messages whatsoever and being the pursuer/initiator. Maybe I’ll try that though I’m not sure it escapes the problem. I doubt that, central. Maybe I just need to learn I’m not cut out for OLD

 

Thank you for advice

Edited by Cookiesandough
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CautiouslyOptimistic

 

Ideally, I’d want to talk to everyone who interested in talking, but the way OLD is set up with men messaging as many women as can, that’s hard. It’s even harder for me to open up a profile and see we are not romantically incompatible and just stop talking them. No where else in the world would I just stop talking to someone because we’re not a romantic match, so I guess I don’t like it and wouldn’t want it done to me either. But that’s dating. Maybe I just need a harder shell. I have considered just not looking at messages whatsoever and being the pursuer/initiator. Maybe I’ll try that though I’m not sure it escapes the problem. I doubt that, central. Maybe I just need to learn I’m not cut out for OLD

 

Thank you for advice

 

Well, set as a first rule that you only respond to men who say something beyond, "hey, how YOU doin'?" or some other very generic message they fire off to everyone. Set as a second rule that you immediately block someone who gives you a hard time if you don't respond to their message. As you know, men do this all the time. Even if you responded to every single person, out of courtesy, you'll still get the jerks who accuse you of thinking you're too good for them, so it's easier to just not respond in the first place, in my opinion.

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I was on eharmony which sends you matches. You can't just go browsing.

 

If a man reached out to me, I would go through the steps to chat with him via e-mail. E-harmony restricted contact back then. Some dropped me before those steps were done. For the few who made it to the phone call stage I met two & attempted to meet two others but that never worked out.

 

As for the ones I selected to message 1st I admit that it was superficial -- did I like his pictures. If I didn't I just deleted him. If I did, I kept reading. If I liked what I read, I reached out. Most never got back to me. A few labeled me GUD, geographically undesirable.

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I was on eharmony which sends you matches. You can't just go browsing. ... A few labeled me GUD, geographically undesirable.

 

I'm on several OLD sites. Almost every match eharmony has given me is GUD. Most are also more than 10 years younger than i am. I emailed their support to complain. The lowest setting they allow for a distance preference is 30 miles. That's a crow flies distance which translates to a one hour drive one way. By contrast, Plenty of Fish gives me 25 matches within 10 years of my age, within 5 miles, and that have been online within the last 6 hours. I'd say it is totally dependent on how many people use the service. Eharmony picks for you and costs money to message. PoF lets you pick and is free. Seems obvious why PoF has enough participation to provide more matches.

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Hi. How do you choose which man you talk to when there several men who seem like they might have potential? It's just a few pics and a couple paragraphs. Not much to go on. What is your criteria on there? Do you just ignore the others? Thanks

 

It is usually based on the message exchange. More intuitive than anything, after few messages I can notice if the vibe of the person attracts or annoys me.

 

I rarely focus on the pictures but do look at the stats, primarily age and height, also education. Also - the setting of the picture says a lot - a guy having multiple pictures with friends in bars or sports events... I usually pass.

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Lol. I guess that makes sense

 

But sometimes there are several similarly attractive guys with solid profiles. Most people can only realistically devote themselves to a handful of convos max. It must have to be a somewhat random selection. Right place, right time in the inbox. Then they still have ignore all the other men which makes me feel really bad and extremely anxious. I can’t really focus on the guy(s) I can talk to, because what what if one of the men I’m ignoring is a better match.

 

Oh well I’ll wing it.

 

 

Yeah it's always good to message multiple people. I think sometimes the problem with online dating is that we can pass over people who we otherwise would be compatible with simply because there's so many options. You only want super hot guys or men you find physically attractive.

 

If a guy sends you message and you read his profile and it seems like you two have things in common, then you should go ahead and reply even if he doesn't fulfill all of your physical requirements. There are plenty of average looking guys who can make great boyfriends and be compatible with you.

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I’m pretty simple. I’m either interested in meeting someone, or I am not.If I find him attractive and conversation seems to flow or he has interests that I share or am intrigued by.. that is a good sign. There is usually a standout or maybe 2 or 3. I will meet the one I am most intrigued by. If it doesn’t work out, might meet another.

 

I don’t know what is so difficult about it but maybe because I’m ugly I am not bombarded with options.

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Before you start passing on guys who may not be the most attractive in their online photos, realize this.

 

Understand that some people are not photogenic at all in their photos. Some people either can't find any good pictures of themselves or just suck at taking good photos but that doesn't mean they're ugly or unattractive. Some people look better in real life.

 

Other people are more attractive in real life because their demeanor or personality or even charisma is able to shine through and this make them more attractive. Some people have this natural aura about them that draws people to them and wants to be around them and that's sometimes hard to tell through photos.

 

One of my buddies who's just your average looking guy knows how to make people feel special and appreciated and this draws people to him, but I don't think he would be very succesful on Tinder because you have to be stereotypically attractive. Another buddy of mine is smart, funny, very social, and at 20 year old runs his own succesful business but he's 5 ft 3 and asian so I doubt he would be very succesful with online dating either. Short men get passed over all the time on online dating.

 

Also, have you ever met a guy where you would have never noticed him but you got to know him and he actually turns out to be a great guy?

 

 

 

Like I say in my previous post, you should talk to guys who you think you have something in common with, even if he's not the hottest guy. Because you never know, you might meet up with them in real life and really like them.

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normal person

Understand that some people are not photogenic at all in their photos. Some people either can't find any good pictures of themselves or just suck at taking good photos but that doesn't mean they're ugly or unattractive. Some people look better in real life.

 

Other people are more attractive in real life because their demeanor or personality or even charisma is able to shine through and this make them more attractive. Some people have this natural aura about them that draws people to them and wants to be around them and that's sometimes hard to tell through photos.

 

One of my buddies who's just your average looking guy knows how to make people feel special and appreciated and this draws people to him, but I don't think he would be very succesful on Tinder because you have to be stereotypically attractive. Another buddy of mine is smart, funny, very social, and at 20 year old runs his own succesful business but he's 5 ft 3 and asian so I doubt he would be very succesful with online dating either. Short men get passed over all the time on online dating.

 

Also, have you ever met a guy where you would have never noticed him but you got to know him and he actually turns out to be a great guy?

 

 

 

Like I say in my previous post, you should talk to guys who you think you have something in common with, even if he's not the hottest guy. Because you never know, you might meet up with them in real life and really like them.

 

What you're not considering is the time and effort investment it would take to meet people you aren't attracted to just on the chance that they might be otherwise desirable. To date someone, you usually have to be physically attracted to them first. That's the biggest thing that delineates between having a partner and having a friend. If people pick for themselves, they'll at least know going into the person has some promise. If people just take flyers on all these people they aren't drawn to, make plans, go out, pay for dinner/drinks, etc -- only to find out that the other person isn't that appealing, then it's wasted time, effort, and unnecessary frustration. It's high risk, low reward. That's why it's not really the best idea.

 

The market conditions dictate the landscape. If someone is really that great/funny/kind/selfless/amazing, then they'll let it shine, find their niche, and earn someone's appreciation organically, be it in person or online. But expecting other people to subvert their desires for pure speculation is a fool's game, in my opinion.

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  • 3 weeks later...
Ruby Slippers

I favor the ones who seem to have compatibility for something lasting, who keep the conversation going with a good flow, who seem serious and interested in something with depth. This might be 1 man out of 10 or 20, so it's not that hard to spot them.

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Cookiesandough

Ruby, the problem I've encountered with that approach is the conversation will start off great, then I realize that it's not so much. He's using rehearsed lines on me, usually. It becomes apparent it's not natural wit after a few back and forth messages so I have to go back and talk to a new guy, then another, then another. You must be getting lucky.

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Ruby Slippers

^ I stopped doing OLD a few months ago, so I'm not getting lucky :p

 

But when I was, I didn't meet people right away. We'd message a bit, then text/talk on the phone, then meet usually that upcoming weekend or the next.

 

I found that letting at least a few days go by is usually enough to reveal whether he's serious or not. I've found that when they're serious, they establish a consistent, stable pattern of communication. Some guys will come on strong but then fade out - these guys are obviously not worth any effort.

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Back in my OLD days I developed some sense for determining whether we might be a match because in OLD profiles people have actively chosen how to present themselves and there is a lot of underlying information in it.

 

- I didn’t have very specific criteria for the looks like certain hair color etc. Reasonably fit, dressed in decent current clothing that suits him was the baseline. On top of that, there is always some attraction that cannot be explained.

 

- Does he look like a good person? It sounds very vague but there is some warmth or kindness in people’s eyes or overall appearance that you can sense.

 

- Does he look like an intelligent and interesting person? Again, very vague but somehow you can tell from how people present themselves. You can tell a blank stare from a thoughtful expression or a genuine smile when you see it. I preferred pictures from their actual life to posed photos. My boyfriend had some photos from a running competition, some from a conference in semi formal attire, some from a hiking trip and in hindsight I can tell that they captured his lifestyle and personality really well.

 

- Does he look superficial? Only shirtless bathroom selfies and pictures prominently displaying a car or other material things indicate that we are probably not a match. There is nothing wrong with a picture with a car if it’s somehow organic or relevant to the situation, for example camping or something.

 

- Some lighthearted humor in the profile always helps, if not overdone so that it feels rehearsed or contrived. The guy doesn’t need to be a comedian but it’s good to take the edge off with some humor.

 

- Moving on to actually writing/speaking to each other - does the conversation flow? Does he feel like my kind of person? Do we develop some common jokes and banter or are there just rehearsed “interview questions”? Contrary to often given advice I preferred to write for a while to see whether there is some common ground at all for meeting up. I don’t mind occasional typos and I’m aware that not all people express themselves best in writing but words and language are important to me so the guy should be able to form a sentence past “hi” and “how r u” (or the equivalent in my native language).

 

- Are there any immediate red flags like focusing on the negative on their profile, for example rambling about *all* women being this or that, having some fussy lists that they don’t want etc.

 

Now that I read my reply, it somehow turned into a manual for writing an OLD profile :D

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Before you start passing on guys who may not be the most attractive in their online photos, realize this.

 

Understand that some people are not photogenic at all in their photos. Some people either can't find any good pictures of themselves or just suck at taking good photos but that doesn't mean they're ugly or unattractive. Some people look better in real life.

 

Other people are more attractive in real life because their demeanor or personality or even charisma is able to shine through and this make them more attractive. Some people have this natural aura about them that draws people to them and wants to be around them and that's sometimes hard to tell through photos.

 

One of my buddies who's just your average looking guy knows how to make people feel special and appreciated and this draws people to him, but I don't think he would be very succesful on Tinder because you have to be stereotypically attractive. Another buddy of mine is smart, funny, very social, and at 20 year old runs his own succesful business but he's 5 ft 3 and asian so I doubt he would be very succesful with online dating either. Short men get passed over all the time on online dating.

 

Also, have you ever met a guy where you would have never noticed him but you got to know him and he actually turns out to be a great guy?

 

 

 

Like I say in my previous post, you should talk to guys who you think you have something in common with, even if he's not the hottest guy. Because you never know, you might meet up with them in real life and really like them.

 

I've yet to meet a woman who looked better than her pics, but I have met many who looked worse.

 

Even my sister looks 100 lbs lighter when she post pics on FB. It's an amazing talent that many women have learned (along with filter usage). Guys aren't as good (or at least I'm not). I've seen profile pics of STUNNING women only to see they are grossly obese in a latter pic. Like a differnt person.

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I favor the ones who seem to have compatibility for something lasting, who keep the conversation going with a good flow, who seem serious and interested in something with depth. This might be 1 man out of 10 or 20, so it's not that hard to spot them.

 

One thing to add to this, many guys have done the back and forth thing many times only to have the conversation die by her not responding. It makes you put in less effort because you feel it's gonna fail anyway.

 

I remember when I first started I put in a lot of effort (eharmony) and went back and forth with long messages only to have them flake.

 

Now I'm so jaded I put in minimal effort and ask them out within 2-3 messages. If a woman is interested she will meet. If she's not she won't. I switched to bumble and stopped reading profiles.

 

I've saved myself days of back and forth with this approach.

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Cookiesandough

Yea I see very ...altered...pics when I check out the girls on the sites. (This happens on the male side too, but thankfully not too often) It's really strange. Some are so filtered they look like aliens or something. It's not only unnatural it's not flattering photo editing imo. I'm talking HUGE googly eyes disproportionate to very very small face (is this a filter that makes this or something?) and puckered lips a sooooo blurry!!. I have to think the girl is actually prettier than that. No matter what she looks like she has to look better than a blurry ant genetically spliced with a bratz doll.

 

I don't understand why a person would inaccurately depict themselves because you won't get much further than a first date if it's bad enough and even if you do, that's really embarrassing and disappointing I would think. I like to pleasantly surprise my dates not disappoint or shock them. Theres no fun in that

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