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I can't get out of my defeatist/victim mentality with dating


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I'm a 29 year old guy who is seemingly very well adjusted and pretty decent at everything across the board - I'm significantly above average looking, I make fantastic money, I'm in great shape, have an excellent lifestyle, great social circle, etc... and I just don't have any semblance of a dating life even though I really want to have a girlfriend.

 

What it comes down to is I just can't stop feeling like I'm destined to be alone forever and feeling like I will never have someone that I want to date actually want to go out with me. I do all sorts of social activities but the only women who make themselves available are always ones I would never date (not in shape at all or 10-15 years older than me). I can't even make myself do online dating because I feel like it's so inherently hopeless. I go to the gym and if I see anybody I want to date, I automatically tell myself that she would never ever want to date me. I've made dating the hardest thing in the world in my mind - I guess I feel like the ladies I want will have completely impossible standards and want an impossibly perfect man.

 

How the hell do I get out of this mindset? I feel like I'm wasting the best years of my life. I've felt this way forever. I guess when I was younger, I thought if I improved myself that this would naturally disappear but I've maximized every aspect of my life to an extreme degree - the money, my appearance, how I dress, my social life, my lifestyle, etc... and I still feel like dating is completely impossible. What's screwed up is I feel like I would be a fantastic boyfriend too - I'm a very loyal man when it comes to my loved ones, I would do anything for the people I love. I don't lie, cheat or steal. I promise something, I always stick by my word. I feel like there's not that many men out there who have my combination of superficial and character traits so why I do feel so powerless in dating?

Edited by CosmicG8
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You need to practice being more social. Start talking to random people -- women, men, kids, the elderly . . . just talk. As you get more comfortable & more positive feed back, smiles, small talk etc. that should boost your confidence. As you develop these conversational skills it will be easier to talk to the women you fancy.

 

 

Even if you get shot down, remember it's her not you. She doesn't even know you & you don't really know what's going on with her. You just saw her in public; you don't know if she had a bad day at work, had a fight with her BFF or is healing from a break up. Just move on.

 

 

If you are already demoralized, do stay off OLD. That takes a stronger constitution then you possess.

 

 

Also consider telling everyone you know that you are open to being introduced to new ladies.

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You need to practice being more social. Start talking to random people -- women, men, kids, the elderly . . . just talk. As you get more comfortable & more positive feed back, smiles, small talk etc. that should boost your confidence. As you develop these conversational skills it will be easier to talk to the women you fancy.

 

I do this already. I make friends everywhere I go

 

I have a very healthy attitude about making friends (and pretty much everything else in life) but a very negative/defeatist attitude towards dating

 

 

If you are already demoralized, do stay off OLD. That takes a stronger constitution then you possess.

 

 

the problem with real life dating is I can't find what I want anywhere near as easily though compared to OLD. I want a 22-28 year old preferably ethnic (I like hispanic, Greek, Italian, middle eastern) decent looking woman in decent shape with no kids

 

Several times in real life, I have met someone but she has kids

 

I have a weird problem - I have high standards because I feel like I've achieved so much that I deserve a high quality woman but I simultaneously have a defeatist attitude about it.

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Your negative self talk is putting you down ("I'll be forever alone" "she won't be interested" etc)

 

You gave a lot of good qualities, try to think positively, smile, engage in conversations without waiting anything in return, just for the pleasure of doing it.

Be humble and be nice.

 

I agree that OLD is not for everyone. I agree that it is, at least when you start exchanging conversation, a little superficial. But, you have nothing to lose, and there are some jewels there waiting for someone like you.

 

 

Be happy and enjoy life. And don't be so deterministic. Life is surprising

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Your negative self talk is putting you down ("I'll be forever alone" "she won't be interested" etc)

 

You gave a lot of good qualities, try to think positively, smile, engage in conversations without waiting anything in return, just for the pleasure of doing it.

Be humble and be nice.

 

I agree that OLD is not for everyone. I agree that it is, at least when you start exchanging conversation, a little superficial. But, you have nothing to lose, and there are some jewels there waiting for someone like you.

 

 

Be happy and enjoy life. And don't be so deterministic. Life is surprising

 

 

my problem with online dating is the women I want are the top of the food chain, so to speak, so I know they're receiving 803583025823052385230508235285 messages a day. What are my odds of standing out in that giant of a crowd?

 

I'm very good looking in real life but it doesn't translate that well to pictures and I'm sure they're getting messages from men who are male models everyday anyways

 

I don't even think the fact that I make about 200K a year would help me with online dating. I'm sure women are getting messages daily from guys who are male models AND insanely successful.

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my problem with online dating is the women I want are the top of the food chain, so to speak, so I know they're receiving 803583025823052385230508235285 messages a day. What are my odds of standing out in that giant of a crowd?

 

I'm very good looking in real life but it doesn't translate that well to pictures and I'm sure they're getting messages from men who are male models everyday anyways

 

I don't even think the fact that I make about 200K a year would help me with online dating. I'm sure women are getting messages daily from guys who are male models AND insanely successful.

 

Then, if they're receiving one trillion messages a day, act differently. Send them a wink and wait. Act like you don't care. The majority of men act desperately. And that is a turn off. Just act cool, like you have better things to do than chasing girls on the internet, that you don't need that.

They'll come to you.

 

 

But, first and foremost, your pictures have to show how nice you are. A half smile looking at the camera, nice smiley eyes...

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Then, if they're receiving one trillion messages a day, act differently. Send them a wink and wait. Act like you don't care.

 

so you think sending a wink and waiting is going to work on a girl that's getting 50 trillion messages a day from men who look like Brad Pitt?

 

Do you not see how asinine that sounds?

 

 

They'll come to you.

 

 

Halfway decent quality women don't ever make themselves available to men. I don't believe that for one second

 

I go out with my 2 best friends and my other 2 best friends look like the standard all American very handsome white guys, both are in phenomenal shape (look like fitness models/bodybuilders), both dress super nice, both are extremely successful, all 3 of us ARE super nice in terms of how we treat people and how friendly we are towards everyone. None of us ever have decent quality women who make themselves available to us

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I should add that I'm not looking for the hottest woman alive. I don't even want someone who is high maintenance at all. I want more of that low key cute girl next door who is also a super nice person like I am. I do want somebody who is in shape though - I'm huge into fitness

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Since you’re very successful, why dont you invest on a good shrink who is going to dig deeper to find out the root of your problem. Once you find out why, you can hire another dating coach to guide you through this.

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the problem with real life dating is I can't find what I want anywhere near as easily though compared to OLD. I want a 22-28 year old preferably ethnic (I like hispanic, Greek, Italian, middle eastern) decent looking woman in decent shape with no kids.

 

 

Where do you live? Try looking in a more urban area. In the Northeast especially NY & NJ you just described 1/2 the population by ethnicity. Age & kids . . . maybe not so much but what you are looking for isn't impossible. Change your geography.

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mortensorchid

It's the negative feeling that you have. If you are certain it will fail (no matter how big or small) you must approach everything with optimism. I've gone out on more OLD than I can count anymore, and I walk in with the hope that this will be good. 75% of the time it's not, the other 25% leaves me thinking "this guy John Doe is a good guy based on our encounter but based on his behaviors I will not hear from him again after today". I have given up on OLD because that's all it is and that's not what I want - to go out on an endless string of one time encounters with time wasters, which 90% of the time it proves itself to be. I want something more than that.

 

Whatever you do, don't go into a situation with a person thinking it's going to be bad. There was a guy I was with years ago who all he ever did was cry on and on about how every woman he'd ever been with has dumped him, whoa is me, etc. And after he did anything and everything to make me dump him and I said we could work it out and work on this, he dumped ME (via email I would like to add) so that his defeatist attitude would come true. Are you like that? If so, I hope not.

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It's the negative feeling that you have. If you are certain it will fail (no matter how big or small) you must approach everything with optimism. I've gone out on more OLD than I can count anymore, and I walk in with the hope that this will be good. 75% of the time it's not, the other 25% leaves me thinking "this guy John Doe is a good guy based on our encounter but based on his behaviors I will not hear from him again after today". I have given up on OLD because that's all it is and that's not what I want - to go out on an endless string of one time encounters with time wasters, which 90% of the time it proves itself to be. I want something more than that.

 

Whatever you do, don't go into a situation with a person thinking it's going to be bad. There was a guy I was with years ago who all he ever did was cry on and on about how every woman he'd ever been with has dumped him, whoa is me, etc. And after he did anything and everything to make me dump him and I said we could work it out and work on this, he dumped ME (via email I would like to add) so that his defeatist attitude would come true. Are you like that? If so, I hope not.

 

 

in my lifetime, the women I've actually gone out on dates with, I would say 70-80% of them wanted to be with me long term

 

the problem is I just don't get dates with anybody I can be with. I'm not asking for a supermodel but I want somebody cute, in shape, close to my age, no kids, decent head on her shoulders (I'm very smart/mature/responsible/settled down). I'm so tired of only getting attention from women who are 15 years older than me or 40 lbs overweight

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We get it. You aren't being super picky. You simply are unwilling to go out with just anybody. That is fine

 

 

My suggestion remains you may have to change where you look for these women. If where you are those ethnicities are considered exotic, try looking in a more urban area where they are the norm.

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We get it. You aren't being super picky. You simply are unwilling to go out with just anybody. That is fine

 

 

My suggestion remains you may have to change where you look for these women. If where you are those ethnicities are considered exotic, try looking in a more urban area where they are the norm.

 

 

I live near Chicago, I don't live in the middle of nowhere

 

 

I would be willing to date a white girl but I would want at least a medium complexion. I don't like light skinned white women to be honest - I'm technically middle eastern but I look more Spanish or Puerto Rican

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How often do you go into Chicago proper to look to meet women? I can't believe you can't find the ethnicity you want there but it makes perfect sense that they might not be that prevalent in the suburbs.

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How often do you go into Chicago proper to look to meet women? I can't believe you can't find the ethnicity you want there but it makes perfect sense that they might not be that prevalent in the suburbs.

 

 

maybe this is my natural defeatism/extremely negative attitude clouding my vision but I don't see many opportunities to make anything happen with the women I like

 

for example, I go to the gym and there are always beautiful ladies there but they are wearing headphones. Makes it impossible to approach- and even if I do, what the hell am I gonna say? A girl working out at a gym doesn't want some douchebag like me asking her out. I go to bars all the time and all the decent ones there are usually there with 10 friends and you have a million obstacles in the way. Sometimes I'll have somebody approach me or try to hit on but she is always either late 30s or my age but not even remotely attractive.

 

Same kind of problem with online dating - anybody halfway decent is receiving an infinite amount of messages a day

 

It absolutely boggles my mind that there are men who enjoy dating. Dating is just horrific for straight men, beyond horrific

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I live near Chicago, I don't live in the middle of nowhere

 

 

I would be willing to date a white girl but I would want at least a medium complexion. I don't like light skinned white women to be honest - I'm technically middle eastern but I look more Spanish or Puerto Rican

 

So who is the fussy one now? you hate just significantly lowered your dating pool by refusing to date white women. Then you add in you want date a woman with no kids and who is in good shape/pretty.

 

I am pretty sure you have posted on here before! Stop having a pity party, this is all on you and your mentality. The women are not the problem here at all. It is easier to moan about women and put the blame on THEM then to look at yourself to see what you are doing wrong.

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So who is the fussy one now? you hate just significantly lowered your dating pool by refusing to date white women. Then you add in you want date a woman with no kids and who is in good shape/pretty.

 

but I am good looking/in awesome shape/have impeccable grooming and fashion, don't have kids, make fantastic money for my age, etc.... etc... etc...

 

why do I not deserve a woman who is somewhat in that ballpark??

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but I am good looking/in awesome shape/have impeccable grooming and fashion, don't have kids, make fantastic money for my age, etc.... etc... etc...

 

why do I not deserve a woman who is somewhat in that ballpark??

 

I have a few thoughts but, first off a question - what happens when you have dated or had relationships in the past?

What happened that ended them?

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No one "deserves" anyone. That's not how relationships work. Relationships and dating are about getting to know someone.

 

That said, the issue isn't that you are picky, the issue is that, when you do cross women you find attractive, you don't have the guts to approach them.

 

It's striking to me that you think women will think you're a douchebag for approaching them at the gym. That's the main issue. Some women might not be in the mood to meet a guy at the gym - and some women will be into chatting with you. If you run across a woman who isn't into chatting, don't take it personally. There's so many reasons she might not want to chat, very few that have anything to do with you.

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I have a few thoughts but, first off a question - what happens when you have dated or had relationships in the past?

What happened that ended them?

 

 

I have never had a relationship

 

 

just a few flings with women I didn't want to date (couple were much older than me, one was overweight and I couldn't get her to like the work out culture.)

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That said, the issue isn't that you are picky, the issue is that, when you do cross women you find attractive, you don't have the guts to approach them.

.

 

 

You guys make this stuff sound super simple

 

 

there are usually a million obstacles in the way when I do encounter someone I like. The women I don't want anything to do with are the only ones who make the process somewhat simple

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I have never had a relationship

 

 

just a few flings with women I didn't want to date (couple were much older than me, one was overweight and I couldn't get her to like the work out culture.)

 

OK, well do you ever read the signals when a woman is interested in you

from afar (eg in a bar) and walk past (or notice her walking past you often), start a conversation? Make 'em laugh?

 

How are your friendships with women?

Have you asked them what might be putting women off you?

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OK, well do you ever read the signals when a woman is interested in you

from afar (eg in a bar) and walk past (or notice her walking past you often), start a conversation? Make 'em laugh?

 

never happens with anybody halfway decent

 

I am very good when I am around a woman who is attracted to me. A huge percentage of the women I've been out on dates with did want to date me but I didn't like any of them. I hate that I'm sounding super snobby or stuck up. I have literally never been out on a date with a decent looking girl my age - I don't want to give the impression that I'm going out with awesome girls that I'm turning down because they are wearing the wrong color shirt

 

I am actually very confident in my ability to keep a relationship. People who get to know me know that I'm a stand-up guy who always does right by my loved ones and has a strong moral compass in addition to my superficial traits

 

I have a few female friends who are married and they all say I'm a great person.

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We aren't making the process too simple. You are making it to complicated.

 

What obstacles are in your way in a bar? Her friends? They are not obstacles. they are her friends. Women like confident men. Just say hi. Don't be all "hey baby" about it. Smarmy is bad but would you like to dance is OK.

 

 

At the gym smile. That's it. Just smile. After a few weeks of smiles then you get to a hello. Then you progress to a real conversation. The gym is tough though.

 

 

If bars don't work for you, try meet up groups or networking events.

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