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I am seeing red flags but not sure


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Old 30th November 2017, 11:01 AM   #1
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I am seeing red flags but not sure

Hello.

So, I was in a relationship where right off the bat I saw many red flags. But because I am not as experienced in serious relationships and also I tend to doubt myself, I ignored them - eventually a bad break up occurred and I was left heart-broken.

Now I met a guy online, I will call him Tom. We were in the same FB group and he just randomly messaged me. We started chatting and turns out we get along just fine. His fiancÚ left him for another man a month ago and he was quite frank about it, telling me all women are evil to him now (as a joke). But this doesn't stop him from implying he would like to start something with me. He said he liked me and I told him he needs to go through a lot of healing before he can even think about another girl. He keeps insisting on meeting up and I am quite anxious about it.

He posts stuff about his heart being ripped open and then flirts with me, telling me he would like to meet up with me but for a cosy night in and not somewhere in a crowded restaurant. We actually have a mutual friend (well the girl is not my friend and I can't really ask her about him), but I am just worried he is either looking for a rebound or trying to get over his situation whereas my heart has been so damaged I could not stand having another man treat me poorly.

Any advice? Thank you.
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Old 30th November 2017, 11:05 AM   #2
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If his FI only left him 1 month ago, I can't imagine he is currently in an emotionally healthy place from which to start a new relationship. You would be a rebound . . . a placeholder to fill the void left by her departure. You wouldn't be in his life because he likes you as an individual & you two fit well together. You would be there because he doesn't want to be alone.


Proceed at your own risk. Do not give your heart away to this man. He's not as open to it as he claims.
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Old 30th November 2017, 12:01 PM   #3
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Yup!

He's clearly not over his ex if he's posting that his heart has been ripped out and is joking that women are evil since his ex left him. This is a guy who is still traumatized by his breakup but is looking to fill the void his ex left. Classic recipe for a rebound and hurt. Steer clear.
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Old 1st December 2017, 3:34 AM   #4
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Yup!

He's clearly not over his ex if he's posting that his heart has been ripped out and is joking that women are evil since his ex left him. This is a guy who is still traumatized by his breakup but is looking to fill the void his ex left. Classic recipe for a rebound and hurt. Steer clear.
So I told him we can be friends and he wrote this long message on how I misunderstood him how he is simply a chill person who likes to relax at home instead of out and he hopes I understand. Do I? Should I try to be his friend? I don't really like him romantically just yet.
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Old 1st December 2017, 6:48 AM   #5
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He posts stuff about his heart being ripped open and then flirts with me, telling me he would like to meet up with me but for a cosy night in and not somewhere in a crowded restaurant.
^^^ yeah. now that right there is a big red flag. this guy is not looking for a serious relationship. he just wants to boink you to get over his heart ache. my advice, if you feel like boinking and you like the way he looks, go for it.but don't be expecting harlequin novels with this guy.
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Old 1st December 2017, 6:51 AM   #6
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Originally Posted by sadiegirl86 View Post
he would like to meet up with me but for a cosy night in
Cosy night in = Netflix and chill = booty call.

He's clearly looking for a hookup not a relationship. If this isn't what you're looking for, then I would avoid this guy.
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Old 1st December 2017, 7:01 AM   #7
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Yeah this guy doesn't have your best interest at heart. He's pushing you into having to accept that all he wants to do is hang out at home - and you haven't even met yet.

I just had a situation where a guy I hardly knew wanted to stay at my place. Everyone I mentioned it to, man or woman, agreed that someone respectful wouldn't be pushing for this.

Why would you even feel obligated to be friends with him? You say you're not romantically interested (yet). Move on. Dude's not respecting your very reasonable boundaries and is likely looking for a hook up.
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Old 1st December 2017, 8:08 AM   #8
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Yeah this guy doesn't have your best interest at heart. He's pushing you into having to accept that all he wants to do is hang out at home - and you haven't even met yet.

I just had a situation where a guy I hardly knew wanted to stay at my place. Everyone I mentioned it to, man or woman, agreed that someone respectful wouldn't be pushing for this.

Why would you even feel obligated to be friends with him? You say you're not romantically interested (yet). Move on. Dude's not respecting your very reasonable boundaries and is likely looking for a hook up.
He did say the choice was ultimately mine (I am aware of this), I am a very careful person in general and I feel now pressured into explaining myself. He has on a few occasions said that he is not looking for anything right now, but suggesting we should hang out for the first time on a couch, and also he has made small innuendos in the past, telling me he really likes s e x, like you don't say that to a girl unless you are planning to have some with her. And i am not looking for that, I am looking for a relationship.
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Old 1st December 2017, 10:37 AM   #9
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If he's not looking for anything, he can easily find that in a public place.


When he suggests couch he's asking for FWB with zero investment on his part.
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Old 1st December 2017, 11:21 AM   #10
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suggesting we should hang out for the first time on a couch
Did he mention whether you would be vertical or horizontal?

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I am looking for a relationship.
Then you need to stop wasting your time with this guy, and find someone who is also looking for a relationship.
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Old 1st December 2017, 12:46 PM   #11
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Guy here.

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Originally Posted by sadiegirl86 View Post
Hello.

So, I was in a relationship where right off the bat I saw many red flags. But because I am not as experienced in serious relationships and also I tend to doubt myself, I ignored them - eventually a bad break up occurred and I was left heart-broken.

Now I met a guy online, I will call him Tom. We were in the same FB group and he just randomly messaged me. We started chatting and turns out we get along just fine. His fiancÚ left him for another man a month ago and he was quite frank about it, telling me all women are evil to him now (as a joke). But this doesn't stop him from implying he would like to start something with me. He said he liked me and I told him he needs to go through a lot of healing before he can even think about another girl. He keeps insisting on meeting up and I am quite anxious about it.

He posts stuff about his heart being ripped open and then flirts with me, telling me he would like to meet up with me but for a cosy night in and not somewhere in a crowded restaurant. We actually have a mutual friend (well the girl is not my friend and I can't really ask her about him), but I am just worried he is either looking for a rebound or trying to get over his situation whereas my heart has been so damaged I could not stand having another man treat me poorly.

Any advice? Thank you.
As a man, I CAN tell you this: You should know that the sentence I bolded above is code for "I want you to come over/let me over your place, to have sex with you, WITHOUT having to take you on a proper date". Basically he is trying to fill the hole in his heart by...*ahem*...filling another hole. No two ways about it.

If you get involved, you are setting yourself up to be used, and he actually said as much himself. I truly hope you back out of this.
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Last edited by Imajerk17; 1st December 2017 at 12:54 PM..
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Old 1st December 2017, 12:57 PM   #12
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If he's not looking for anything, he can easily find that in a public place.


When he suggests couch he's asking for FWB with zero investment on his part.
I'm inclined to give another read on the situation - but to the same result. I'd put forth that his suggestions of a cozy night home or a dinner in a quiet restaurant were more aimed at showing his "relationship-y" or deeper side. That he wants the company of a woman/the OP in a quiet setting where he can get to know her. It probably didn't occur to him that a cozy night home usually means sex.

That being said - what he's looking for is a pain killer to dull the pain of his ex leaving him. He needs an ego stroke. He feels like he needs to replace his ex as quickly as possible.

So ya - he's trying to make you a rebound. My hunch is that if you went out with him on a couple of dates he would try to go into turbo relationship mode as long as you didn't sleep together. Like 0 - 60 in a nanosecond.

Toss him back and let him swim around in the pond for another six months. If you are at all interested in him, tell him that.
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Old 1st December 2017, 1:04 PM   #13
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I'm inclined to give another read on the situation - but to the same result. I'd put forth that his suggestions of a cozy night home or a dinner in a quiet restaurant were more aimed at showing his "relationship-y" or deeper side. That he wants the company of a woman/the OP in a quiet setting where he can get to know her. It probably didn't occur to him that a cozy night home usually means sex.

That being said - what he's looking for is a pain killer to dull the pain of his ex leaving him. He needs an ego stroke. He feels like he needs to replace his ex as quickly as possible.

So ya - he's trying to make you a rebound. My hunch is that if you went out with him on a couple of dates he would try to go into turbo relationship mode as long as you didn't sleep together. Like 0 - 60 in a nanosecond.

Toss him back and let him swim around in the pond for another six months. If you are at all interested in him, tell him that.
He didn't offer an evening in a quiet restaurant. From the sounds of it, he won't do anything but meet sadiegirl 86 at home, on a couch.

That's what's making this situation pretty easy to read.
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Old 1st December 2017, 1:10 PM   #14
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He didn't offer an evening in a quiet restaurant. From the sounds of it, he won't do anything but meet sadiegirl 86 at home, on a couch.

That's what's making this situation pretty easy to read.
Yep.

His brazenness is pretty remarkable too. Most guys will wait at least until the date and see how it is going before they suggest going back to their place for some couch fun. This guy is suggesting the couch fun right away before getting together was even agreed upon! He basically is telling the OP straight out that he wants to use her for sex, and not even bother to take her out on dates.

Last edited by Imajerk17; 1st December 2017 at 1:17 PM..
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Old 1st December 2017, 2:11 PM   #15
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This guy is looking for a rebound, plain and simple... He's not in the right place to be dating or seeing anyone and I think he is being kind of creepy by asking for a "cozy night in"..

I will say, I started dating way too soon after my divorce. I was lonely, depressed and longed for the female contact that I had in my marriage. I met women in public places for dates but was always up for a "Netflix and chill" night. I honestly wasn't trying to get into their pants; I just wanted to regain that relaxed feeling of normalcy of sitting on the couch with a woman and enjoying a movie or show. Several women found it pretty strange as they would invite me over for a movie but I put the brakes on sleeping together pretty quickly.
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