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Why do you think you're really single?


In Search Of... Having a hard time forming friendships or finding companions, lovers, or associates? Is someone pursuing an unwelcome relationship with you? Talk about your experiences here.

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Old 30th December 2017, 8:17 PM   #121
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When I go by my raw attributes. This is how I see myself.

5'9/Canadian Black Male. In fit shape. Not to skinny not to fat. I am 213 lbs. I should be a little more lean. More 180 lbs at best. I shave my head and keep a clean cut look. My age is 46. I have gotten as low as 24 and as high as 36. Most people think I am 34 for the most part.

I am soft spoken. Introspective/Inquiztive. Strive to do the right thing.

I am not too jokey or serious. I am in the middle. I dress well and treat people well.

I don't think I am typical black guy which is basically Hip Hop is everything. I love Rock and Roll/Heavy Metal/Jazz/Folk/Pop.

My physical looks. I see myself on the Cute side. People at work tease me and say I look more like a cross between Denzel and Damon Wayons/Richard Pryor.

I think that my personality is more on the careful side. So I am not just macking on chics right away when I see them. The Bar/nightclub scene is not my fortay.

I seem to do well with women, when I don't care and don't put energy into them. When I do the leg work. Nothing major happens. This has been consistant.

Like I might as well do more prayer and asking the universe to meet a special woman, than actually going out there to make it happen for the most part.
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Old 30th December 2017, 8:54 PM   #122
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Why do you think you're really single?

Romance in the style of Pasternak dancing to the strains of the divine creations of Jarre and the balalaika is pretty much dead. So will I be. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust.

Great memories though. The gifts of life.
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Old 30th December 2017, 8:58 PM   #123
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I seem to do well with women, when I don't care and don't put energy into them. When I do the leg work. Nothing major happens. This has been consistant.
My experiences mirror your own. I used to be guilty as the next guy when it comes to tunnel vision dating, where you only see the one girl and go after her. That almost always failed for me. By far, I now prefer the fishing method. I just cast my bait, sit back and relax, then wait for a bite. That has served me incredibly well.
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Old 31st December 2017, 1:14 AM   #124
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If I had to do an honest evaluation of myself:

I'm pretty anti-social, and I generally prefer staying indoors when I'm not on the job. That's already a negative, since I'm not getting out much.

Physically, I'm assuming that I'm at least fairly attractive or average at best to some women, since they HAVE hit on me before without me having to make a move first. Or even indicate that I'm interested.

On the downside again, I tend to come off as mildly unfriendly without meaning to, which is a turnoff. I'm an awkward guy with below average social skills, so what can I say?...

Overall, my personality and confidence need a serious overhaul before I'm prepared to try for anything serious. But, I'm pretty okay with where I am right now.

Being single used to bother me so much, especially since folks I knew back in high school are already married with kids. Made me feel like I was moving too slow or something.

But...I've had time to think about it. And have come to the conclusion that I'm just too ill-fitted to be in a relationship right now. So, really, it's for the best.
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Old 31st December 2017, 1:14 AM   #125
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Because Iím bad to the bone hahaha
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Old 3rd January 2018, 11:47 AM   #126
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I'm single because:

I have trouble with self esteem and depression;

I'm attractive--maybe even pretty--but I have gained some weight since I experienced some fairly serious adversity last July;

I spent my twenties working ridiculous hours and bought into the fallacy that I could have it all. I couldn't, and the opportunity cost of my career was probably my having a family now at 36;

I live in the conservative south and get judged often for my past (an abortion and a divorce) by self righteous men;

I give too much. I am a people pleaser and love taking care of others. I'd love to meet a man who appreciates those qualities, but I find it leads to getting taken advantage of. My husband appreciated that I sacrificed for him, so I know it's possible; and

I think my education may be a little intimidating.
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Old 4th January 2018, 2:24 AM   #127
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Some of us I think are single by default. I have yet to be in the pressence of a woman that is looking at me romantically/in my social circles and meeting me half way to explore a LTR romantic Relationship with me and its all about making time for each other.

Thats another reason why I am single. I don't think its best for me to always be on the hunt for a woman romantically. Its just draining on my soul. I really don't think I am missing much. If I want to be around a woman. I have half a dozen women friends to do that with.

A lot of us are just tired of the journey of seeking a mate. We want it, but our society says we have to go for it. Yet the journey is never a happy one, in the sense that you ask someone out. They respond positive. You go out and enjoy each others company and both parties strive for a connection. Even if there is no major romance sprouting. A lot of us here are venting on how hard it is. The one thing we have in common is that we are actually trying to seek it. Its not fun doing it. Our success rate is mediocre at best. May be we should give it a rest for a bit. When I think about all the times I have made a romantic connection. Its when I have not been trying to make a romantic connection.



Like I would have a better chance doing nothing than trying to do something. I don't know why that is. I am not socially awkward or don't know how to speak to someone. I am more cut and dry and don't put on a persona.

Last edited by Mysterio; 4th January 2018 at 4:14 AM..
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Old 4th January 2018, 5:47 AM   #128
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Why am I really single. Hmm. I suppose you mean opposed to the lie I tell myself about why I'm single, like men being intimidated by my success and intelligence.


I think a big part of it was being a late bloomer. I was a kissless virgin until my first serious BF at 25. It wasn't intentional. I was always just really awkward and c-blocking at every opportunity and those opportunities weren't that common anyway. I guess I'm am partly at fault. I didn't try enough to put myself out there. I preferred doing other things. But the time came that I decided I needed to experience dating. I still didn't want to, so I motivated myself by saying it could be fun to meet new people and learn about their lives. Except in doing that I discovered I didn't want to date them so much as just learn about them. Like stand behind a tempered glass womdpw and watch while professionals administered[completely safe]tests and let me see the results.

Basically, it's a real head-scratcher why I'm single!
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Last edited by Cookiesandough; 4th January 2018 at 6:32 AM..
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Old 4th January 2018, 7:10 AM   #129
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I preferred doing other things. But the time came that I decided I needed to experience dating. I still didn't want to, so I motivated myself by saying it could be fun to meet new people and learn about their lives. Except in doing that I discovered I didn't want to date them so much as just learn about them. Like stand behind a tempered glass womdpw and watch while professionals administered[completely safe]tests and let me see the results.
It sounds like youíre single because youíre content being that way which is cool..
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Old 4th January 2018, 8:18 AM   #130
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I'm single because I prefer it to being in a relationship. I don't have the urge to be partnered up, I am extremely independent and I love looking after my kids fully.

I have a normal social life; I thought I was socially awkward when I was younger but I've grown to understand myself better in that I just don't see the point to social chit-chat, which isn't a bad thing. I don't always notice when I'm being chatted up, which can lead to embarassing situations.

I tend to speak my mind and I appreciate the same back.
My relationships with my family and my friends are based on genuinely reciprocal affection and care. My marriage was the only 'proper' relationship I've had - I promised myself I'd only ever have one LTR, and I'm sticking to it.

I see plenty of happy couples in my circle, but I don't envy any of them. The only thing I regret is not having a responsible co-parent to help with the kids, but I have great support so I can't really complain.

All on all, life as a single person is pretty sweet.
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Old 4th January 2018, 11:47 AM   #131
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For merely the same reasons as the OP: I dislike being treated poorly, and I mean past the ''honeymoon phase'' when its all roses and champagne, literally and figurately.

I noticed that after about 6 months when we both had a blast and one or another start to get tired, one will inevitably start acting cold, or sometimes plain mean, which is unnaceptable.

Id also rather being single and not deal with someone who won't respect me, despite my efforts to maintain the relationship.

LTR? If that implies more than 6 months to a year, I have had only 3. Only might be a lot for some people and very few for others.

Yeah, I also need sex but lately am not much interested in a hookup just to get laid. The solution may be a very casual relationship bordering on being a FWB when no one hurt the other and when we are done so be it.
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Old 4th January 2018, 12:59 PM   #132
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The solution may be a very casual relationship bordering on being a FWB when no one hurt the other and when we are done so be it.
^ This turns to be incredibly hard in real life. Sounds like the perfect solution for people that prefer singlehood but it is just... way harder than it sounds.

I was absolutely sure I'm on the track for my first casual experience and yet it turned to be as complicated as any other interpersonal relationship, the hyperfocus (which always happen to me when I start a relationship) of course showed up in it's full strength, I was kind of hoping the guy will push for it but he started going for datey things instead .

So I'm personally giving up on my casual plans and going for plan B: just to power through until the time I'm ready for an actual relationship, which can be a looooooooong time . The other advantages of single life make the 'sacrifice' worth it.
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Old 4th January 2018, 1:07 PM   #133
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^ This turns to be incredibly hard in real life. Sounds like the perfect solution for people that prefer singlehood but it is just... way harder than it sounds.

I was absolutely sure I'm on the track for my first casual experience and yet it turned to be as complicated as any other interpersonal relationship, the hyperfocus (which always happen to me when I start a relationship) of course showed up in it's full strength, I was kind of hoping the guy will push for it but he started going for datey things instead .

So I'm personally giving up on my casual plans and going for plan B: just to power through until the time I'm ready for an actual relationship, which can be a looooooooong time . The other advantages of single life make the 'sacrifice' worth it.
Casual R, and FWB shouldn't have dramas indeed, but we are humans aren't we? Unfortunately I have had the same experience as you and eventually this didn't go too well, on occasions.

I know I am capable of being single for months, I am busy with friends and family enough so thats not emotionally painful to be single.

After a recent BU of a LTR, I don't really sleep around, Ive had my share of sex already and spend more me-time. Its also a good feeling.

I realise I am a complicated man. And have sort of standards, hence the ''don't treat me poorly'' comment which I think isn't too much to ask someone. I realise being in a steady R is awesome and better than being single in any way until for some reason the passion subside and I am back to dating again.
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Old 4th January 2018, 1:22 PM   #134
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All,
Coming from a different angle, I was single for 20 years in between getting divorced from cheating husband #1 and meeting my 2nd husband.

Why?

Because I was an intelligent, independent, professional woman who could support myself financially.
I didn't need a man.
But I wanted a man for his own sake, as a companion in an equal relationship based on mutual love, trust and respect.
I didn't want a man to keep me or give me children. ( I have no children and never wanted them)

Some so-called "friends" said I was "too picky". I said that if you are picking a life partner then you need to be "picky"!

So I dated a lot, but discarded all the gold diggers, flakes, users, idiots, guys with issues, nut jobs, rebounds, married guys in disguise, guys with anger management issues, guys with addictions, guys not over an ex. and a whole host of other unsuitable 'candidates'.

I made my mind up that I would rather spend my time living in a croft on the Outer Hebrides digging peat than settle for anything like the lonely unhappy first marriage I had.

I kept my standards high and eventually I met my second husband.

It took a long time, but it worked out for me.

I would say to those that are single (and want to be in a meaningful relationship) keep your standards high and there is someone out there for you.

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Old 5th January 2018, 4:07 AM   #135
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Because I was an intelligent, independent, professional woman who could support myself financially.
This is probably the most important thing, especially financial independence, having a career and not letting ourselves be influenced by what others think: all this helps be freer to live 100% on our terms.

I have 2 kids who bring me the deepest joy, and this, and prioritising kindness over self-interest, is the type of thing I encourage them to think about as they grow up. Of course finding the right life companion is a nice bonus for those who want it, but it's not, in my opinion, essential, necessary or compulsory.
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