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Why Some People Are Just Destined To Be Alone


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Old 3rd November 2017, 10:07 PM   #1
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Why Some People Are Just Destined To Be Alone

I remember my first day of moving into the college dorms in a different town. The year prior I made it one of my major goals in life to get a girlfriend, have sex, at least kiss a girl. I thought moving away to college, where everybody talks about hookups and finding their partner there, would allow me to find someone. After years of being a high school loser, I was finally going to find someone. Of course, two years went by and I never found anybody.

I thought I was going to find somebody when I turned 22 years old. I was so determined, so eager, so full of hope that this was going to be my year where I would finally get to experience love from a woman. But 22 flew by and STILL no success with women.

How can someone like me go YEARS without dating anybody, while a lot of people can date someone new within a couple of weeks? Why do some people go on date after date, while others like me struggle to even get a reply back?

Why is dating ridiculously easy for some while it's painfully hard for others?



Because the truth is, dating is a skill where you can be naturally good at, average at, or be naturally bad at. The majority of us fall in the middle of the spectrum, we may have had a bf/gf here and there, been on a few dates in a year, had several partners before we find "the one". Then there's others who are either really successful or really unsuccessful.

Think about a basketball player. An ideal basketball player is tall, athletic, can jump high, and has phenomenal hand-eye coordination. People with these traits have the most potential to be really good at basketball, maybe even good enough to play D1 or even make it to the NBA. Now think of someone who's the opposite of an ideal basketball player. They're short, slow, and can't dribble. The game of basketball would be very frustrating for these type of people because they're basically playing a game they weren't designed to be good at.

Now translate this over to dating and the pursuit of romantic partners. Some people are never going to struggle with finding someone new because they possess traits that those of the opposite sex find attractive. They're tall, good looking, know how to make people laugh and know how to make people feel good. They can go from partner to partner with relative ease, they probably think going a year without sex for a year is a long time. That's how privileged they are.

Then there's other people on the opposite end of the spectrum possessing traits that are not ideal. They're not tall, they're not good looking, they look like they'd star in Duck Dynasty before they ever were rockin in a Calvin Klein magazine. They're shy, they're socially awkward, they don't know how to make others laugh. For people who are like this, dating is a huge struggle. It will take months, maybe even years of pain, frustration, and heartbreak before they even find someone. They'll watch as all of their Facebook friends get into relationships while they can't even get someone who will say yes to a date. They will feel lonely and alone in a society that is obsessed with love and sex. That's what it's like being a 20+ dateless virgin.

Last edited by GuitarGuy7; 3rd November 2017 at 10:11 PM..
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Old 3rd November 2017, 10:15 PM   #2
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But remember that Facebook isn't an accurate indicator of happiness!!
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Old 3rd November 2017, 10:22 PM   #3
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excellent post. all I would add is that dating is very hard when you're young, a lot of people develop people skills as they get older. people have to date in their own 'league' to be successful.
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Old 3rd November 2017, 10:36 PM   #4
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There is no such thing as destiny. While some of us may have difficulties or advantages where others do not, the key to getting women doesn't hinge on those things. You have to make the most of what you do have and just go for it. Learn what works with women and what does not.

A very old friend of mine is shy with women. I was always more of a talker and he rarely said much. Average looking dude, not very charming, kinda negative at times, you name it. He started getting into tattoos and piercings. He would get big, interesting tattoos and painful looking piercings. It worked for him. He no longer needed to talk to women, because they would start talking with him. They'd ask him about his art or his piercings and suddenly he would get dates.

Women need to respect a guy to date them. Women respect capable men. They don't respect men that give up in the face of adversity. It's also worth mentioning that even a short, fat guy can get a ball in the hoop every now and then. You don't need to win a slam dunk contest, just be able to nail a free throw sometimes.
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Old 3rd November 2017, 10:39 PM   #5
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A very old friend of mine is shy with women. I was always more of a talker and he rarely said much. Average looking dude, not very charming, kinda negative at times, you name it. He started getting into tattoos and piercings. He would get big, interesting tattoos and painful looking piercings. It worked for him. He no longer needed to talk to women, because they would start talking with him. They'd ask him about his art or his piercings and suddenly he would get dates.
Getting a cute dog is a less painful way of achieving the same result
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Old 3rd November 2017, 10:45 PM   #6
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You talked about how fussy you are with women on this post Why Meeting People Is So Hard

Mate, you don't get to complain about being single when you'd only date +/- 10% of women you see. This is your choice - it's not destiny.
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Old 3rd November 2017, 10:59 PM   #7
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All of your examples and rationalizations are excuses. A bunch of false equivalences and other logical errors.

The truth is there are thousands of guys similar to you with girlfriends and getting laid.

That’s how you got here. I’m sure your father or grandfather was very similar to you. Still procreated somehow and we ended up with you.

The difference is they didn’t let the excuses defeat them.

And, the truth is, if you approach her the right way and treat her right, there’s also a woman (women) out there for you.

There’s a saying “what you focus on grows”. Continue to focus on the excuses and reasons you “can’t” succeed and you won’t succeed.

If you want to win, you have to do what it takes to win. That starts with a positive mindset.
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Old 3rd November 2017, 11:56 PM   #8
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Trust me, there are plenty of average-to-ugly people with less than desirable personalities who are constantly in and out of relationships. There are many beautiful people inside and out who have no one for years.

Honestly, two factors I believe determine whether someone is in a relationship are 1. how deserving they feel of having someone else (what they believe about themselves) and 2. how much they are handing out lessons. I've rarely seen an abusive personality be single, but I think that's because their arrogance and domineering facade can come across as potentially charming. And it has nothing to do with their "skill" at dating or conducting a healthy relationship.

There is definitely an ass for every seat.
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Old 4th November 2017, 2:37 AM   #9
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Originally Posted by GuitarGuy7 View Post
Think about a basketball player. An ideal basketball player is tall, athletic, can jump high, and has phenomenal hand-eye coordination. People with these traits have the most potential to be really good at basketball, maybe even good enough to play D1 or even make it to the NBA. Now think of someone who's the opposite of an ideal basketball player. They're short, slow, and can't dribble. The game of basketball would be very frustrating for these type of people because they're basically playing a game they weren't designed to be good at.
I'm not going to dispute that some people have an easier go of dealing with the opposite sex, whether it's because it's something that comes naturally or if they just have an allure to them. But your basketball analogy made me think about someone I used to date.

She played ball throughout school and even made the varsity team very early in high school. Even in college when she played intramural basketball, she could hang with the girls who were on the school team. I remember her telling me once that she knew early in high school that she wasn't the best natural player, but she made up for it with striving to be the highest-effort player on the court. She's applied that to other areas of her life, and now some years later, she's one of the most successful women I know.

My point is, you can take your analogy and decide that it's not fair some people are more naturally inclined to succeed at something. Yes, it's frustrating not to be one of those people, especially for something like opposite sex interactions.

But I think these people, myself included, would be better off to implement the mindset my ex had. No, these things don't come naturally to us, but the skills aren't unobtainable. They just take a lot more work.
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Old 4th November 2017, 5:18 AM   #10
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When I look at my friends. None of them are ladies men. From my observation. As I have said in other posts. Its like the women who are now their main steadies. They just dropped into my male friends laps. Take the women away. Some of them would have nothing. Some would be dating.

Funny the one who just broke up with his wife of 19 yrs and 9 yrs of dating. Totalling 29 yrs together and 3 kids. The oldest is 24 and the youngest is 17. My buddy S is now on to a new woman. He has always been a player and slept around on his wife. So he has that skill to bed women when it happens.

For me. I don't have that. I am more skilled with friendships a lot more. Dating to me is at best a C. I can't say I have had nothing, but its never ideal and the common thing with me is that the women I tend to chase are attached, when I finally get the scoop on them. So I have to let it go when I find out their status.

As I have said before. It feels like for me the more I try. The more obstacles there are in terms of the woman being attached. Be thy happy or not in their personal relationship. I just say Prayer to the Universe and be done with it. I think a lot of us here should just have a mental checklist in our heads, before we get wrapped up with any man or woman.

For me its the following for dating as a Man.

Status- Single/Widowed/Divorced-Childless -Woman. The second S/W/D- Woman with one kid maybe 2. if under 20. Pets no problem.

Age 30/40 something.

Ethnicity-open to all races.

Health minded and strives for fitness. A big music lover and likes to go to concerts/Movies/dining.

Personality- Girl next door, Chill, Able to bring interesting conversations and laughs. Very affectionate.

Lives close by.

Reacts to me in a warm sweet way and makes life fun and easy for us. Also expect the same from me.

Last edited by Mysterio; 4th November 2017 at 7:22 AM..
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Old 4th November 2017, 8:04 AM   #11
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@GuitarGuy

You make it sound like dating is a competitive sport. For most people it really isn't, and not because they are not able to, but because they don't want to, as they want to find a partner and not necessarily maximize their attractiveness, meaning that they don't want to change too much who they are or spend endless hours looking for just the right person, or somebody who is marginally better than the person who they are with at the moment.

None of us will ever compete in dating Olympics.

There was a time in my life where by timing, skill and circumstance I was able to attract multiple women, but it was not for me. It was more noise and confusion in my life than I needed.

Simply finding a gf is more about being open, having a good idea of who you are and who will make you happy, and just plain old grit to make contact and take rejection. It is far more of a craft than it is an art.
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Old 4th November 2017, 8:42 AM   #12
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If these people have found love, everybody can
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Old 4th November 2017, 9:55 AM   #13
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There is definitely an ass for every seat.
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Old 4th November 2017, 10:24 AM   #14
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I feel that way too sometimes.
Saying there is someone for everyone. How do we truly know this?
I'm not saying this to be bitter but I think its just a way that people cope with not having a partner or when they are going through a breakup.

As for me, I am going to try and keep positive about finding love. (And that crap that love finds you is not true. A partner isn't gonna fall in your lap, this isn't a movie). If I don't find a partner in the end, I will at least say that I tried.
And that it proves in the end maybe I was meant to be alone.

I am trying to say that it is okay being alone, that some people aren't meant to have a partner. Maybe that is me, but I don't know until I try to find someone.
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Old 4th November 2017, 10:25 AM   #15
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I'm not going to dispute that some people have an easier go of dealing with the opposite sex, whether it's because it's something that comes naturally or if they just have an allure to them. But your basketball analogy made me think about someone I used to date.

She played ball throughout school and even made the varsity team very early in high school. Even in college when she played intramural basketball, she could hang with the girls who were on the school team. I remember her telling me once that she knew early in high school that she wasn't the best natural player, but she made up for it with striving to be the highest-effort player on the court. She's applied that to other areas of her life, and now some years later, she's one of the most successful women I know.

My point is, you can take your analogy and decide that it's not fair some people are more naturally inclined to succeed at something. Yes, it's frustrating not to be one of those people, especially for something like opposite sex interactions.

But I think these people, myself included, would be better off to implement the mindset my ex had. No, these things don't come naturally to us, but the skills aren't unobtainable. They just take a lot more work.
My least favorite anaologies are those comparing dating and sports.

Op, maybe some people will be alone. Youre in youre early 20s. You have a lot of time and opportunities ahead of you. You may not be one of those people.
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