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What do you do if you're only attracted to hot people?


In Search Of... Having a hard time forming friendships or finding companions, lovers, or associates? Is someone pursuing an unwelcome relationship with you? Talk about your experiences here.

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Old 12th October 2017, 8:22 AM   #16
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Its okay gurl, were on this struggle bus together.
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Old 12th October 2017, 8:38 AM   #17
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I think I saw a picture of you and I'll say this, you're definitely beautiful. Please don't waste your time doubting this. You're above average.

The main issue, then, isn't that you're attracted to hot guys. It's that they intimidate you. What do you think it would feel like to not be intimidated by the men you find attractive? How would that change your life? How would you act differently around them?
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Old 12th October 2017, 9:17 AM   #18
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A dear friend only wants to date hot/cute men (like underwear models and Navy SEALS). She's moderately attractive, slender, and petite for her age, but she's never been married and never had a long term relationship, and this is one of the factors - she's too picky. At best, she can find one of these guys for a shorter relationship, but they don't stick around.
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Old 12th October 2017, 10:00 AM   #19
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We all have our priorities in dating. We also have whatever qualities we bring to the table. Depending on what someone brings to the table themselves, they may be able to still find someone who is hot that has lots of other things going for them, or they may find themselves having to sacrifice in other areas.

There are many many people who keep dating hot people who have nothing else going on for them, and can't figure out why it doesn't work.

Hot is also a very variable term in itself. What percentage of the opposite sex do they consider hot? If it's 10% they might have a good shot. If it's 1% then yeah they'll probably be celibate unless they are hot themselves.
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Old 12th October 2017, 12:32 PM   #20
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Originally Posted by d0nnivain View Post
First of all hot is subjective not objective. For example a lot of people think Brad Pitt is hot. Most of the time, I think he's a hot mess. Similarly there are certain people that may look good on the outside but once they open their mouths or you get to know them, you quickly learn how ugly they are as people.

Second, you are attracted to who you are attracted too. You can't force chemistry (but see above; staying with a bad "pretty" person is no answer)

If you can be flexible within the standard of what you find attractive that will help. For example, if you prefer tall men, refusing to go out with somebody who is only your height flat foot is short sighted.

Finally, get off OLD. People who are that hot don't need the service. Also being on it too long warps your sense of who is attractive because the visual aspects of the sites are primary. Put more effort into meeting people in the real world.
Not all of us can get off OLD.if I did I would have zero people I am physically attracted to. It may sound extreme but it is true. This may also be the case with op because I feel she and I are having similar issues
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Old 12th October 2017, 1:21 PM   #21
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Cookie, remember it could always be worse. You seem much better off than most.
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Old 12th October 2017, 2:31 PM   #22
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I'm guessing you're in your mid to late twenties OP?

Right now OP, you can afford to be picky about looks because you yourself are physically attractive. If you want to date hot guys, there's nothing stopping you. You're a hot women who's arguably in her golden years of youth. It's why things like sugar baby/sugar daddy things exist.

However,

Beauty will eventually fade. There's a reason why they say men age like fine wine and women age like milk. I'm not sure if that's true or not but I know for a fact many men are attracted to youth and beauty in a woman.

So what's going to happen as you as you get older is that your looks alone won't be enough to attract a man. And if you put on some weight like many women do, all of a sudden being able to get dates laughably easy while in your twenties goes from somewhat difficult. But don't worry, this won't happen until your thirties, fourties, maybe even fifties if you have good genes and a good lifestyle.

So if you're smart, you'll invest in other things besides 'looking hot'. What are you doing with your life? What's your career goals? Stuff like that...

Last edited by GuitarGuy7; 12th October 2017 at 2:33 PM..
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Old 12th October 2017, 3:25 PM   #23
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This is an objective question. Asking for a friend. What can you do if you feel your standards might be too high/you too shallow of a dater. This feeling can make you very sad sometimes. You know it's shallow and wrong, but the only other option besides celibacy and waiting for someone that probably won't come is being with someone you aren't sexually attracted to and have no spark with. That's not good. Even if you try to stay positive, it doesn't change reality.
/whiny post
But what are some solutions to this?
I would say that this is only a problem if you are delusional. Most westernized women I know are completely delusional. They overate their own attractiveness by significant amounts and underrate the men around them.

My sister is 250lbs. She is constantly chasing men who are in fantastic shape. It's insane. She gets laid sometimes with this strategy or falls into an open relationship with one and that makes her feel like her insanity is working. At 34 she wonders why all men cheat and treat her like crap while rejecting every guy on her level. Recently had a Filipino guy with a great job try to date her... nicest guy I ever met. She said he was too short.

My point is to take a hard look into the mirror and set your goals against that backdrop.
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Old 12th October 2017, 3:32 PM   #24
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There's a reason why they say men age like fine wine and women age like milk. I'm not sure if that's true or not
Men and women have different skin. Most men hold up a bit better until around 50-55 and then completely fall apart. Women just keep slowly aging.

I was much better looking as a younger man, but I didn't understand dating. As I get older and know what to say and do I find that often times even younger women are attracted to me. I don't value youth though. Women age 32-40 are at their most attractive to my opinion.
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Old 12th October 2017, 3:32 PM   #25
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Some of us may have to be dating for life. So might as well keep up with your looks.

That means being well groomed and not letting yourself go. If the women from Charlie's Angel's can keep up their looks and they are basically 70. The rest of us Men and Women can. I want my future SO to look at me and see a Handsome cute guy.
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Old 12th October 2017, 3:40 PM   #26
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Originally Posted by HiCrunchy View Post
Not all of us can get off OLD.if I did I would have zero people I am physically attracted to. It may sound extreme but it is true. This may also be the case with op because I feel she and I are having similar issues

HiCrunchy -- I thought you were still hung up on your EX. That is a bigger problem then where you meet people.


OLD is a tool. Period. People met each other for millions of years before they could scroll profiles on their phones. You have to mix real life interactions into your search. What are you doing to meet new people besides sitting in front of a device scrolling through pictures? Unless you have done at least 2-3 of the following every month you are not ACTIVIELY looking; you are just scrolling & making excuses IMO:


1. Told everybody you know that you are open to being fixed up


2. Attended a single event


3. Attended a club meeting of some kind


4. Volunteered to do something -- rescue dogs; save that planet; get your favorite candidate elected; protested


5. Gone speed dating


6. Smiled & said hi to a stranger in public -- where you get your morning coffee; in the elevator at school or work; while out to lunch; at the grocery store


7. Taken or taught some type of not for credit adult education class like understanding the stock market; salsa dancing, get your 1st novel published etc.


8. Flirted with somebody


9. Gone out for drinks with friends & scoped out the scene


10. Gone to an industry networking event -- like a business card exchange, continuing education event or Chamber of Commerce meeting


OLD is never anybody's only option. It's just that the others are scarier, take more time & force you out of your comfort zone.


When I was single I made it a point to do 1-2 of those things per week. It didn't take me that long to meet new guys & eventually my husband.


Cookies' problem isn't so much that she can't find hot guys to date. It's that 5 seconds after meeting them she freaks out & does something crazy like tell the guy she doesn't want to see him until next year.

Last edited by d0nnivain; 12th October 2017 at 3:43 PM..
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Old 12th October 2017, 3:47 PM   #27
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the only other option besides celibacy and waiting for someone that probably won't come is being with someone you aren't sexually attracted to and have no spark with. That's not good. Even if you try to stay positive, it doesn't change reality.
Which would you rather do: be alone and search for the right person (who you may or may not find) or be with someone who's "good enough" but not necessarily the exact thing you want?

Each have their challenges. I've always rolled the dice and searched because I have high standards like you and I'm just not happy with most people, I'd rather be alone and continue searching for someone I do want. Everyone questions me for it. My theory is, there are some people you encounter who make your heart race and eyes widen, as if it's your body saying "you need to be with this person." Knowing that there are people out there who generate that feeling, why should I date anyone who doesn't? It seems counterproductive, like a disservice to both of us.

Does it have it's challenges? Absolutely. People who meet your standards might come by only a few times a year. You have to accept the fact that you might not never meet that person and you'll have wasted your time. But if you do meet that person, jackpot. It's not a risk for everyone. You deal with your dissatisfaction now to delay greater gratification later. On the other hand, if end up with "good enough," you'll likely have different problems down the road. You have someone who may be something like just a void-filler, and sure they might be fun sometimes, but that's delaying the dissatisfaction you'll feel as your lives get more intertwined. Of course these are extreme examples, but you get the point. I'm much happier waiting it out for the right person and I accept the consequences of doing so. Some people might not be and will have to lie in whatever bed they make later on. It depends on the individual I think.

So how well do you know yourself?
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Old 12th October 2017, 4:01 PM   #28
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Are you sure that your being so picky is truly your bottleneck though?

From reading your threads, it seems that you ALREADY are making connections with men that there is a mutual attraction (on some level). It didn't go further with several of them, according to your own words on here, because
(i) when they made contact with you on the dating site, you blocked them
(ii) the ones you did end up meeting, you broke-up or flaked on them yourself after a few dates despite your liking them, and then you seem to end up regretting it afterwards!

I get that this isn't how it went with *every* guy you met but it has happened with enough so that it is a pattern. It's your extreme flakiness/self-protectiveness that is your issue, not your "high standards".
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Old 12th October 2017, 5:06 PM   #29
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Are you sure that your being so picky is truly your bottleneck though?

From reading your threads, it seems that you ALREADY are making connections with men that there is a mutual attraction (on some level). It didn't go further with several of them, according to your own words on here, because
(i) when they made contact with you on the dating site, you blocked them
(ii) the ones you did end up meeting, you broke-up or flaked on them yourself after a few dates despite your liking them, and then you seem to end up regretting it afterwards!

I get that this isn't how it went with *every* guy you met but it has happened with enough so that it is a pattern. It's your extreme flakiness/self-protectiveness that is your issue, not your "high standards".
This is the feeling I get too. I mean Cookie, you've already posted this week that you don't see the advantage of relationships and feel bad for people in them.

Clearly if you don't see the value in relationships than you're going to be hesitant to be in one with anyone unless they are so perfect that you don't have a choice. Which may not be a bad thing if you have the ability to wait for the perfect person. But internally you seem to be conflicted because you aren't just playing it cool until mr right walks into your life. You're running around like a chicken with your head cut off trying to find him, and panicking that every guy you meet isn't him.

Do you have a friend you can give your dating site passwords to, and have them take them away from you, until you've mellowed a bit?
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Old 12th October 2017, 5:34 PM   #30
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Originally Posted by d0nnivain View Post
HiCrunchy -- I thought you were still hung up on your EX. That is a bigger problem then where you meet people.


OLD is a tool. Period. People met each other for millions of years before they could scroll profiles on their phones. You have to mix real life interactions into your search. What are you doing to meet new people besides sitting in front of a device scrolling through pictures? Unless you have done at least 2-3 of the following every month you are not ACTIVIELY looking; you are just scrolling & making excuses IMO:


1. Told everybody you know that you are open to being fixed up


2. Attended a single event


3. Attended a club meeting of some kind


4. Volunteered to do something -- rescue dogs; save that planet; get your favorite candidate elected; protested


5. Gone speed dating


6. Smiled & said hi to a stranger in public -- where you get your morning coffee; in the elevator at school or work; while out to lunch; at the grocery store


7. Taken or taught some type of not for credit adult education class like understanding the stock market; salsa dancing, get your 1st novel published etc.


8. Flirted with somebody


9. Gone out for drinks with friends & scoped out the scene


10. Gone to an industry networking event -- like a business card exchange, continuing education event or Chamber of Commerce meeting


OLD is never anybody's only option. It's just that the others are scarier, take more time & force you out of your comfort zone.


When I was single I made it a point to do 1-2 of those things per week. It didn't take me that long to meet new guys & eventually my husband.


Cookies' problem isn't so much that she can't find hot guys to date. It's that 5 seconds after meeting them she freaks out & does something crazy like tell the guy she doesn't want to see him until next year.
I'm gonna reply but I just don't wanna hyjack this thread since its about the op. I explained on the thread I made beforehand (where I don't find men attractive) that the issue I have had has been since even before I met my ex. Now its just harder on me because I don't have the whole "ignorance is bliss" thing going on anymore. Since I know what its like to be in love with someone who I connect with in an emotional ana physical level. It sucks more than just no being attracted to anyone and not having experience those feelings. My ex was a rarity in a pool. The reason I am so hung up is probably because at least for me, there aren't that many fish in the sea or potential partners. I didn't date anyone I loved and was attracted to until I was 21 years old. I want to "invest" someone else to get over him, because every other thing people say you should do to get over someone I have done and it hasn't worked.

By these standards I suppose I am not actively looking, but if you remember my threads about my family life I don't think I can go out like that all the time due to circumstances. A lot of these may not work because the determining factor is attraction and usually just by "looking around" I haven't found it. I look for people on my commute to work, I walk around campus "searching" and still am attracted to no one. Its only happened once. With my ex. Maybe that is why I miss him so much because I know he could fill that void if he wanted to. But he doesn't. And I am stuck

Last edited by HiCrunchy; 12th October 2017 at 5:39 PM..
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