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How to be "cool" or is it something you're born with?


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Old 5th October 2017, 8:09 PM   #16
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Originally Posted by Cookiesandough View Post

Like everyone else, I'm attracted to 'cool' and charismatic people.
I'm really not. I'm actually repelled from 'cool' guys, instantly and permanently. I like socially awkward types, weird dudes, quirky types, guys living in their heads.

I'm sure there are men with preference for women like this as well. Why mask who you really are and attract a partner who is not suited for you?
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Old 5th October 2017, 8:26 PM   #17
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But Taylor Swift is pretty cool isn't she?

She's confident, people look up to her, find her charming, hip, stylish etc.

Aren't those "cool" qualities? I think someone can be cool yet have nerdy interests, or not use slang etc - cool is a presence, at least for adults - this isn't high school.
I suppose Taylor Swift is cool...I guess you just... gotta love those Starbucks lovers....

As someone who struggled with social awkwardness growing up, I'd say coolness is what @RecentChange said. It sounds to me that you are trying too hard OP. The cool people know who they are and they just seem at ease w themselves, it's others who are trying to impress. They aren't making effort to be using 'cool' words such as 'poppin' (never used that word myself). Many of them even use proper English when sending texts--spelling words out and using complete sentences instead of the latest hippest abbreviations ect. [Actually proper grammar is kind of a turn-on but I digress.]
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Old 5th October 2017, 9:03 PM   #18
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But Taylor Swift is pretty cool isn't she?

She's confident, people look up to her, find her charming, hip, stylish etc.

Aren't those "cool" qualities? I think someone can be cool yet have nerdy interests, or not use slang etc - cool is a presence, at least for adults - this isn't high school.
Very good points and link, everyone!! Yea, imajerk. Thanks!!!
'Cool' is not a great word, like I said, but the best one I could come up and thought Swift was a great example. I don't know how else to articulate it. It's probably very simple, but escaping me.

If this were high school, you'd definitely see her at the popular table, but...she's not cool. Ohhh! Another way I can see it illustrated is in how she speaks. There's something...goofy about it. She uses "like" as a colloquial adverb, which is considered 'cool' at present, but she can't pull off the 'valley girl' thing it denotes when she says it ...Maybe she tries too hard to be something she's not? I think there's some genetic and early environmental component to why some people's gears just aren't greased and they don't run smoothly, so to speak. That's my issue. Confidence is a BIG part of it for sure, so I'll certainly be working on it. But I think that will more help me not care how I come off.

No_go, I would be willing to bet the guys you fall for are cool. Weird and quirky are considered mainstream cool now, but someone can have just about any characteristic(s) and still be cool. When women say they like weird and quirky you can almost guarantee they are talking about the charming brand.
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Old 5th October 2017, 9:10 PM   #19
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No_go, I would be willing to bet the guys you fall for are cool. Weird and quirky are considered mainstream cool now, but someone can have just about any characteristic(s) and still be cool. When women say they like weird and quirky you can almost guarantee they are talking about the charming brand.

But I got so much backlash about the nerdy guy that I made the long thread for? Is he cool? Seems like he's not for the liking of most women that I've spoken to.

Same with another interest of mine from before - my girl friends would always wonder why I like him. He was having weird theories about evolution and loved to share his medical issues with me...
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Old 5th October 2017, 9:37 PM   #20
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The irony of bringing up Taylor Swift is....wasn't one of her first really big hits about being the dorky girl stuck in the buddy-zone by her best friend who was being treated badly by his hawt cheercaptain girlfriend??

Something to consider...
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Old 5th October 2017, 9:37 PM   #21
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No_go, I would be willing to bet the guys you fall for are cool. Weird and quirky are considered mainstream cool now, but someone can have just about any characteristic(s) and still be cool. When women say they like weird and quirky you can almost guarantee they are talking about the charming brand.

But I got so much backlash about the nerdy guy that I made the long thread for? Is he cool? Seems like he's not for the liking of most women that I've spoken to.

Same with another interest of mine from before - my girl friends would always wonder why I like him. He was having weird theories about evolution and loved to share his medical issues with me...
Well, you could be an anomaly, but lots of people like it a little weird in different ways, but VERY, very few are attracted to the truly very awkward, sadly(especially for me). I think 'weird' and 'awkward' are different. It's probably hard for you to explain his charm to others. I remember you saying he talked about bugs having sex, and everyone was grossed out, but I can see how that would be fetching to someone if executed right. He could also only be a little awkward but overwhelmingly more charming.


You said he reminded you a lot of Nash. Despite having very severe schizophrenia, almost everyone who watches finds 'him' likeable in his biopic A Beautiful Mind. That was done by casting Russell Crowe (a charismatic and attractive man) and a script which made him endearing in a weird way.

Swift is just kind of awkward, but has other very attractive qualities so she can slide. I think I fall into this category to lesser extent...I have a few attractive qualities, but I'm not sure it's enough to pull me through.

https://media.giphy.com/media/NWlV7X1vx86hq/giphy.gif
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Old 5th October 2017, 9:53 PM   #22
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But isn't that the point - the few people that like your specific type of weirdness would be your most compatible matches, like you for you, and that's why IMO it is better to emphasize not hide awkwardness?

The bug sex example is great, for me it is hitting home because I've been into field biology and like anything related. Plus sex in any context I find fun, even like hermaphrodite snails mating. I mean outside of my particular field and hobbies and quirks this makes no sense. For me - it made him someone to fall for, fall hard.

I think the combination that works is awkward + attractive. If the person is awkward + unattractive... well, it is much harder. But i'm getting the impression that you're the first type, so you'd get the right guys falling for you effortlessly, if you target the correct niche.

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Originally Posted by Cookiesandough View Post
Well, you could be an anomaly, but lots of people like it a little weird in different ways, but VERY, very few are attracted to the truly very awkward, sadly(especially for me). I think 'weird' and 'awkward' are different. It's probably hard for you to explain his charm to others. I remember you saying he talked about bugs having sex, and everyone was grossed out, but I can see how that would be fetching to someone if executed right. He could also only be a little awkward but overwhelmingly more charming.


You said he reminded you a lot of Nash. Despite having very severe schizophrenia, almost everyone who watches finds 'him' likeable in his biopic A Beautiful Mind. That was done by casting Russell Crowe (a charismatic and attractive man) and a script which made him endearing in a weird way. I doubt in real life he was that "cool".

Swift is just kind of awkward, but has other very attractive qualities so she can slide. I think I fall into this category to lesser extent...I have a few attractive qualities, but I'm not sure it's enough to pull me through.

https://media.giphy.com/media/NWlV7X1vx86hq/giphy.gif
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Old 5th October 2017, 9:57 PM   #23
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If this were high school, you'd definitely see her at the popular table, but...she's not cool.
I used to date a girl whose friends went to high school with her. They say she wasn't well liked at all. Can't remember why exactly, but it got brought up multiple times. I'm sure things would be different now that she's one of the biggest stars on Earth. What changed? She's got well-deserved confidence as a result of her success, she has a sense of humor, she seems pretty smart, she's good at what she does, etc. Was she funny, talented, and smart before? Probably. But now she's got blind allegiance to her as a result of her career, and plenty of people will praise her every move regardless of what it is, so maybe she's not the best example.

A Google search suggests some common themes to coolness: Emotionally controlled, confident, competent. Makes sense. No one thinks the untalented, emotional mess is cool.

I feel like the battle is all in your mind. If you're talented at something, or you have some desirable quality (being attractive, for example), you can leverage that for confidence and emotional control. It seems like your problem is that think you're problems are worse than they are, or that you're perceived worse than you are, or you take things to heart too much (like when that guy joked about you, you felt bad instead of just owning it and playfully making a joke back at him).

I think a lot of us are in our own heads too much -- we put too much stock in other peoples' perceptions of us and not enough stock in ourselves. Think about how things might've changed on your date if you owned your delivery and playfully came back at that guy. He'd respect you for accepting your own idiosyncrasy and not being ashamed of it. If I were you, I'd start doing this sort of thing across the board and watch things change for the better. When you show control or acceptance instead of fear or insecurity, you'll be amazed at how differently people perceive you.
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Old 5th October 2017, 9:58 PM   #24
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Cool is by definition a niche characteristic. What is cool to some won't be cool to all.

I don't think sport cars are cool, some people are car people and are excited when they meet someone who knows about cars. They're cool in each other's eyes. And according to car people, I'm not cool. Replace cars with whatever you're passionate about. Music, sports, spirituality, political discussions.

So cool isn't some objective quality that you can point to and say: these people are cool and these people aren't. High school movies often have a narrative about coolness, but I moved three times in high school and I can tell you, students didn't define cool the same way from one school to the next.

Cool is about knowing what you like, having hobbies and passions, and accepting the things that make you quirky, yes, even that damn social awkwardness. It is, as you say, about learning to laugh at yourself. It's also about walking away from people who make you feel bad about yourself. You don't like it when someone laughs at your accent? You don't have to like it. Analysis done. No need to question yourself.

Cool is also about enjoying other people's qualities - noticing who enjoys the same things you do. It's about paying attention to others and what makes them unique.

It is about caring about the people who matter while not trying to please everyone.
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Old 6th October 2017, 2:15 AM   #25
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I'm really not. I'm actually repelled from 'cool' guys, instantly and permanently. I like socially awkward types, weird dudes, quirky types, guys living in their heads.

I'm sure there are men with preference for women like this as well. Why mask who you really are and attract a partner who is not suited for you?
I am with you and am attracted to the same.

For example, last OLD dude from my last thread about age. When I walked into the bar (which was half empty on a weekend afternoon), he was standing there chatting and laughing with the barman (who was a complete stranger to him). I found that an instant turn off.

The dude before him, when I walked into the same bar, he was sitting awkwardly in the corner. When I first approached him, he kind of didn't know what to do, so he kind of half hugged me while knocking over his glass and spilling some of his wine. I found that charming and felt an instant affinity.

Obviously, those behaviors in isolation are not enough to connect to someone but you get the picture. I am sure most women would find the barman chatting dude more attractive.

My main problem is that awkward dudes seem to have a thing for socially charismatic women, and I am somewhat awkward myself :/
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Old 6th October 2017, 4:43 AM   #26
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I love the topics you come up with Cookies, and your honesty.

I used to work in a nighclub, and i had a saying "the coolest looking person in the nightclub is probably the loneliest"!

Don't know whether it's true or not, but i used to view excessive coolness as a front to cover up less desirable social attributes, kind of like that douchebag who said "that doesn't surprise me"... What a douchbag.

And, can i just say... Who made him the pervayer of the gold standard of 'coolness' and social attractiveness? Sounds like an insecure jerk if you ask me. Let him go and find his equally insecure girlfriend who he'll probably lord-it over in an effort to make himself feel better.

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Old 6th October 2017, 5:16 AM   #27
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Thanks!!! That means a lot, and Yea that's true. Cool is subjective but awkwardness is universal. I am awkward. When people say they like socially awkward, they mean unconventionally charming. Not the awkward that I am. I guarantee it. I just want to be cool for once and I suppose it's not happening. And yes maybe he was being sarcastic and I did laugh it off and say very funny but I was not amused.

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Old 6th October 2017, 9:21 AM   #28
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I'm an anxious person by nature so socializing was difficult for me when I was younger. It took some time and effort but I finally found my groove; I know how to be funny without coming across as rude or elitist, I can keep a conversation flowing, and I just come across as more relaxed.

To be honest, I am much more comfortable on a date than I am in a large social scene with multiple people. Firstly, I want the date to go well but it's not the end of the world for me if it doesn't. There could be professional repercussions if I make an ass out of myself in a group as there's usually co-workers. Secondly, I only have to read the tone and body language of ONE person on a date and that makes the situation easier. I have a harder time being myself in a group situation as I can't read multiple people's reactions.

So, I suggest that you just keep going out and being yourself. In fact, embrace being a bit awkward and blow off a guy that judges you for it. I, for one, enjoy going out on dates with women who are a little bit socially awkward as it's kind of disarming for me. Yes, it's fun to date a charismatic, self-confident woman but it's much harder to get a feel for them.
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Old 6th October 2017, 11:11 AM   #29
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How old are you cookie?

People are in constant evolution. I was a shy child, a very shy and withdrawn teenage girl. I had no confidence in me and did everything to disappear in the background.

I carried that in my 20s and 30s. Always feeling I could be better, prettier, smarter. That made me jealous and envious very often.

Then suddenly in my 40s I got tired of being a flower on the wall and I decided to change. I did A LOT of reading, I read everything on self improvement and on Buddhism. I started giving myself small challenges then bigger ones and bigger ones. Finally at 45 I became the woman I wanted to be. Confident, independent, fearless and....cool ;-)

So no, we're not all born cool but we can evolve to become the human being we want to be.
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Old 6th October 2017, 12:47 PM   #30
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You dyed your hair purple(?).....Got a boob job(?).....How about some b!thcin tatts?

I'd say you are well on your way, kid...

TFY
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