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Cant say "Why Bother Dating" but is it really worth the bother?


In Search Of... Having a hard time forming friendships or finding companions, lovers, or associates? Is someone pursuing an unwelcome relationship with you? Talk about your experiences here.

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Old 6th October 2017, 1:26 PM   #16
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I

You know though, this made me think, dating and relationships are different in that you quit at the beginning.. I don't think you can continue going on 'dates' with one person and not have it turn into a relationship of sorts, but casual dating is a sport all in itself.
I think this is where people have problems when they hit the dating scene. They multi-date and run into problems for a variety of reasons or they jump head first into a "serious relationship." Personally, I enjoy dating as long as it's with one person at a time and things are taken slowly.

Basically, I make it clear early on that yes, I am looking for a relationship but that the seriousness of the relationship needs to develop over time. I don't jump into the sack very quickly, I don't spend a lot of nights over at their place (or vice versa) early on and we just date, hang out and see where things go.

My last serious relationship went from zero to sixty within the space of about two weeks. We were talking about potentially living with each other after a month and a half and having discussions about our "future" (i.e. marriage, kids, etc..) after thee months. It was just too much, too fast and there were too many expectations tossed out there because of the "serious relationship" tag. I didn't want to see anyone else but I needed things to calm down as it was hard to enjoy each other's company at times when there was always this expectation of "building a life together..".
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Old 6th October 2017, 1:28 PM   #17
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Oats, what kind of problems did you encounter when you were multi dating?
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Old 6th October 2017, 2:05 PM   #18
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Oats, what kind of problems did you encounter when you were multi dating?
1. Scheduling issues. I meet a couple of women that I am interested in and then have to juggle my schedule to make time for multiple dates. I know I have missed out on a couple of quality dates (and potentially good relationships) because of this.

2. I found myself continually comparing one woman to another and didn't feel like I truly gave any of them a chance. There was one in particular that I wish I had just focused on as she was s sweetheart and we had a lot in common. But, I was seeing another woman at the time and talking to a couple of others. I pretty much shorted myself.

3. Overall, I just found it to be a pain in the ass. I had about a month of dates every Friday and Saturday and it became exhausting. I just didn't have enough time for myself. There were a few quality dates, a few were so-so and several were absolutely AWFUL. I needed to cut back to dating one person just to give myself a breather.
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Old 10th October 2017, 8:49 AM   #19
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I know exactly what you mean . Man, it feels good someone understands. I think sometimes had I dated more, Or had I had a boyfriend in high school and a series of dating experiences there after, I would be less comfortable with singlehood (or more comfortable in a rship)

You know though, this made me think, dating and relationships are different in that you quit at the beginning.. I don't think you can continue going on 'dates' with one person and not have it turn into a relationship of sorts, but casual dating is a sport all in itself.
Yes, thats how i feel. I spent too much time single, and now its too easy being single. I also lost a lot of learning experiences from not dating in high school or college.

Imo had a met someone when young, they wouldve been more understanding, more willing to grow together. They wouldnt compare me to other women bc heck, if youre married at 20, theres not a whole lot to compare it to. Im 30 (gah!), and i would have to deal with men who have dated a lot and/or been married.

I hate dating, too. I dont like meeting a bunch of people. Ive actually found that it can easily become dangerous. I also dont like the ups and downs. Meet this person, get happy, break up. Meet hat person, get happy, break up. I like stability.
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Old 10th October 2017, 10:42 AM   #20
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, but casual dating is a sport all in itself.
That's correct and why I have never seriously considered it. I was too afraid that I would become good at that sport, and I would eventually perceive it as a sport and nothing more.
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Old 10th October 2017, 11:43 AM   #21
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I also never dated in high school and college and find it so easy being single. I have also never really had much stability in my life. I moved around all the time, changed schools and friends. I currently crave something stable. I can't be bothered with ups and downs of dating. It feels like too much effort for nothing.

I am currently in the process of making some important life decisions as in where I want to live (my current city could not be a worse fit for me), what I want to do as a permanent career. Dating is very much a distraction for when I can be bothered.
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Old 10th October 2017, 12:18 PM   #22
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3. Overall, I just found it to be a pain in the ass. I had about a month of dates every Friday and Saturday and it became exhausting. I just didn't have enough time for myself.
This sums up how I feel about dating right now at the stage I'm at in my life. Maybe in 4 years when both kids are graduated from school and I feel like I can focus more on myself, but right now, there are only so many hours in the day, and I feel like I don't want to invest them in people I barely know (i.e. first dates).
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Old 12th October 2017, 6:59 PM   #23
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This sums up how I feel about dating right now at the stage I'm at in my life. Maybe in 4 years when both kids are graduated from school and I feel like I can focus more on myself, but right now, there are only so many hours in the day, and I feel like I don't want to invest them in people I barely know (i.e. first dates).
I just jumped back into the OLD scene on a whim a few weeks ago and have already had several examples of how multi-dating is a pain in the ass. My male friends and I refer to this as the "Rolodex Dating" experience as several of us use OLD. Here are three prime examples over the last few weeks:

1. I started chatting with a woman and we hit it off and went out on a first date. The first date was god enough to schedule a second and all of our texts and conversations before and up until two days after the date had been fun and flirty. But, the texts stopped coming as frequent and were short and quaint until I just didn't hear from her for a nearly three days. My last text to her was to try and confirm the second date. So, I said the hell with it, moved on and got back on the OLD site. She was on the site continually which didn't bother me but I figured I was being ghosted. Out of the blue, she sends me a string of flirty texts, including a very attractive pic of her in a bikini. But, at that point, I wish her the best and tell her I'm just not interested.

2. I was messaging back and forth with another woman after #1 and the same thing transpired; a ton of flirty texts along with a few pics of her in a very attractive cocktail dress. We were trying to get our schedules aligned for a date and things looked promising. Well, her texts also became short and quaint and one night she told me that she was "at work and that I was distracting her, but in a good way -insert random emjoi-. I told her that I understood but got onto the app to answer a message from another woman as she hadn't committed to a date. I was going to keep putting myself out there seeing as this didn't look like it was going any where. I saw that she was on there but I didn't make any assumptions at first as I know the app will say you're logged in when you're not. But,we were both off and on the app all night long so I knew that she had met someone else. A week went by, I chatted with other women off and on and, once again, she starts texting me out of the blue. She sends me four texts in a row, all of them flirty and a pic that's pretty revealing. Once again, I let her know that I'm not interested and wish her the best.

3. This woman and I set up a date and she cancels on me with four hours notice. I tell her that I understand that she is busy and ask her when she wants to reschedule but I don't get a response from her. So.. Once again, I am back on the app, talking to other women and looking for a date. She's also on the app continually and we also added each other on Facebook (we have friends in common) and she's posting on there constantly. She sends me a text a week and a half later trying to set up a date... So, I also wish her the bets but tell her I'm not interested.

So, in the space of three weeks, I end up telling three different women that I don't want to see them because they're multi-daters who have worked their way through the "Rolodex" and finally come back around to me. Now, this isn't a matter of jealousy or anger but I don't care for the hot-cold-hot communication and I feel like my time is being wasted.

Yes, I was on the app consistently but I was only trying to set up a date with one woman at a time. I had several women messaging me at once but I was only asking one of them at a time out on a date. One gal asked me for a date after I had actually gone out with the woman from the first situation but I told her that I politely declined as I'm trying to avoid multi-dating as much as possible.
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Old 13th October 2017, 12:33 AM   #24
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I think worth can only really be determined by deciding what the actual objective is.


Are you meeting people you find interesting?
Are the people you meet interested in you?
In terms of good experiences versus bad ones, does the latter out number the former?


I think the topic is a very open ended one. As people we are so regimented in terms of what dating is, ask yourself what it is really, for me I suppose its as a guy trying to impress someone enough that they give you a date and then working hard enough to try and get a second date.


Everyone has a different experience, people I know have been really lucky and haven't had to do any work because they just seemingly click with people more easily or there interests are more mainstream.


I think something becomes pointless if it makes you feel bad about yourself or bad about life or people put you down. Then for me that's the point you walk away , yes some will say improve and do this and do that and yes those are valid things but if the overwhelming sense if you aren't having any success then you need to really choose.


1: Find something else in life to fill that void.
2: Try and completely re-invent yourself.
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Old 13th October 2017, 1:11 AM   #25
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I suppose that's what I was getting at, not for everyone a relationship is adding something.
Or perhaps the relationship does add something, but it's short lived. Or perhaps the road just to get that date let alone a partner is so difficult to some it cancels out a lot of joy. I could just sit here without dating just as easily. Personally, the things I've been through if i could go back, there's much i would change. I would've gotten married in high school or college and other than that not bothered with dating, but hindsight is always 20/20. Some of the things i went through and did were down right dangerous, and imo not worth what i've gotten in return.
This may be a personality difference between you and I. i love my solitude, my alone time, my time to think and explore myself and new things. For what I like to do, another person isn't necessary.
I suppose there are people who date to fill that void. However, there are some of us on the other side of the spectrum who are extremely turned inward.
This sounds like damage to me. I'm a loner by nature. I know how this feels.

Intimacy is something that feels good to all humans. Some of us need less than others, but I can say with certainty that those who run from it are doing it out of fear.
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Old 16th October 2017, 10:23 AM   #26
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This sounds like damage to me. I'm a loner by nature. I know how this feels.

Intimacy is something that feels good to all humans. Some of us need less than others, but I can say with certainty that those who run from it are doing it out of fear.
I wouldn't say there's a lot of intimacy in dating. For me its mostly been unsolicited pics of a guys junk and guys trying to get sex asap.

I was reading this book, and the author said she was married to her husband in college at age 23. They stayed together, and as far as i know are still together, after many years. That is intimacy. Also, she met her husband in college, and she didn't have to date a bunch of people for years and years.

Some of us aren't so lucky. Ive found intimacy from men to be very fleeting, if you can even get there past the sex. it may not be worth it to everyone to get through continuous negative (and sometimes dangers) experiences just to have a little taste of it that will soon be taken away.

Tbh honest as ive gotten older, I wonder what exactly i get from dating someone. After awhile of not being in a relationship, i simply go back to my natural state of solitude.
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Old 16th October 2017, 11:24 AM   #27
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For most people, yes it is worth it. Other people are simply wired in a way that makes them happier single. They're no better or worse than everybody else, just different.
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Old 16th October 2017, 1:06 PM   #28
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Lmao to the people who say they love to be single and alone yet create multiple threads on dating and not being able to find a guy. It sounds like you've given up because you cannot find what you want. Choosing a postilion and being forces into a position doesn't sound like happiness, but learned helplessness.
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Old 16th October 2017, 1:09 PM   #29
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I wouldn't say there's a lot of intimacy in dating. For me its mostly been unsolicited pics of a guys junk and guys trying to get sex asap.
I was reading this book, and the author said she was married to her husband in college at age 23. They stayed together, and as far as i know are still together, after many years. That is intimacy. Also, she met her husband in college, and she didn't have to date a bunch of people for years and years.
Some of us aren't so lucky. Ive found intimacy from men to be very fleeting, if you can even get there past the sex. it may not be worth it to everyone to get through continuous negative (and sometimes dangers) experiences just to have a little taste of it that will soon be taken away.
Tbh honest as ive gotten older, I wonder what exactly i get from dating someone. After awhile of not being in a relationship, i simply go back to my natural state of solitude.
The point of dating is to eventually get to that intimacy stage. I mean sex without intimacy is not very good. It validates my attractiveness, but otherwise seems like masturbation with a partner.

Why do you think that you struggle to find a decent guy? Why are you constantly dating f*ckboys?
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Old 16th October 2017, 1:10 PM   #30
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Dating today is interesting.. To bad we're all strangers at it...
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