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Cant say "Why Bother Dating" but is it really worth the bother?


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Old 3rd October 2017, 3:04 PM   #1
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Cant say "Why Bother Dating" but is it really worth the bother?

Firstly, im not going to say my dating experience has been all bad, it has given me much greater self confidence and self respect. I dress better these days, i no longer bite my nails, im better organised, curiously and I believe I am a far more positive person for doing it, but generally speaking, dating sucks!

Possibly we all agree most first dates are excruciatingly dull, but a good first date for you can seem like a great first date to them and vice versa so in that regard id rather have a dull first date. As for a great first date for both of you, I thought id just had one but, apparently not, so I can't say.

So, assuming a mutually great first date between two people is achievable, what happens then? Reading other posts here the pain, frustration and confusion clearly isn't over no matter how well you get on to begin with so what in gods name are we all doing this for?
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Old 3rd October 2017, 4:08 PM   #2
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Are you doing online dating?

I'm old and I've never done OLD. But back when I was young and dating, a new date was pretty rare and something a bit special. Most of the time, we'd already met in person and knew we could talk easily (eg; at a house party) and so the date would be significantly more than catching up for a drink or coffee. A person could go months or even a span of a couple of years without a date.

These days, dating is like shopping on Amazon. Go through profiles ruthlessly and find a few that might fit. Date more than one person at a time. It's no surprise to me that people are finding dating to be unsatisfactory.

I think that slowing it all down and allowing it to happen organically would be wonderful. But with "progress" that's never going to happen.
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Old 3rd October 2017, 4:43 PM   #3
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Dating sucks because its colossally outdated and corny.

This is mostly due to technology and pop culture. There is a very "forced" and structured way dating is done these days which is highly unnatural.

Relationships form best under relaxed and natural settings where two people just spend time together and get to know each other.

When you treat it like a job interview and you have some stupid list of things the person has to say, wear or do for you to like them like you're buying a flippin' car then of course its going to suck lol.

Last edited by The Urbanyst; 3rd October 2017 at 4:46 PM..
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Old 4th October 2017, 2:14 AM   #4
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Originally Posted by The Urbanyst View Post
Dating sucks because its colossally outdated and corny.
<snip>
Relationships form best under relaxed and natural settings where two people just spend time together and get to know each other.
<snip>
A relaxed and natural setting where two people just spend time together and get to know each other. You mean like dinner? Or going to the beach? Or a picnic? That's a date.
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Old 4th October 2017, 9:17 AM   #5
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I struggle with this a lot, except I can't say i've come out happier or feeling better about myself after dating.

I have a bad combo of being dumped a lot but also being very sensitive of being dumped.

I hate first dates. They give me panic attacks. I go on a date, get into a relationship, and it ends anyway.

I would start getting hobbies. I'd get happy and meet someone. In the end I'd be unhappy again. Why should i put myself through this?
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Old 4th October 2017, 10:34 AM   #6
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To me there are two type of dates: One arrange via OLD, blind dates, or where you asked for a phone number late at night and barely know the other person. The second one is where you met the person at work, school, a party or other social event, and already had a chance to talk to them. The initial contact has been made.

Most of my dates fell into she 2nd category, and they are usually pleasant because I had an idea what I was getting into. Maybe that is what The Urbanyist is referring to, that the mechanics (and expectations) of the latter are being applied to the former.
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Old 4th October 2017, 12:38 PM   #7
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A relaxed and natural setting where two people just spend time together and get to know each other. You mean like dinner? Or going to the beach? Or a picnic? That's a date.
The minute you call it a "date" it stops being relaxed.

A relaxed setting is one where no one has an agenda and people just enjoy each others company. Dates have agendas, which makes them more like job interviews.
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Old 4th October 2017, 12:53 PM   #8
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Firstly, im not going to say my dating experience has been all bad, it has given me much greater self confidence and self respect. I dress better these days, i no longer bite my nails, im better organised, curiously and I believe I am a far more positive person for doing it, but generally speaking, dating sucks!

Possibly we all agree most first dates are excruciatingly dull, but a good first date for you can seem like a great first date to them and vice versa so in that regard id rather have a dull first date. As for a great first date for both of you, I thought id just had one but, apparently not, so I can't say.

So, assuming a mutually great first date between two people is achievable, what happens then? Reading other posts here the pain, frustration and confusion clearly isn't over no matter how well you get on to begin with so what in gods name are we all doing this for?
Another date. And then another. And then another. And then more and more expectations that get higher and higher. It doesn't end until perhaps you're in a union neither of you can get out of without a great deal of loss and trauma. Then you can start getting comfortable.

I think a first date is just the beginning of a long chain of events that probably isn't worth the bother for a lot of people
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Old 4th October 2017, 4:33 PM   #9
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The minute you call it a "date" it stops being relaxed.
It doesn't need to be called anything. I can't recall ever being asked on a "date". But I've certainly been asked to dinner...and known that it's a date.
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Old 5th October 2017, 9:42 AM   #10
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I have gone out with lots of women. I have women friends. My take is this. Until I am with a woman that really treats me well and goes out of her way to show me that. I try not to take anything too serious. No woman is going to crush me emotional, because we don't click.

At age 46. Here is what I notice. The more of a stranger she is. The more it does not work out. There needs to be a repore established first.

I also am not forcing any woman to be romantic with me. So I may introduce myself and start a conversation. If she bats back the conversation and makes an effort to interact with me beyond that. I may ask her out. If it turns romantic it will be organic. I guess If I pay, its more romantic and I am exploring a more romantic situation. I don't want to always appear that I am on the make.

Women that like me romantically. They just let me know. There really is no major shift to that.

To be truthful. I think a lot of us here are tired of the single life and want a change. Yet we want it to be a great person. Not just have someone for the sake of it. Thats our collective problem here for those that are single.

I think that most of us should date less or have some mental checklist. We can go up and talk to anyone. Its just that to date. They are going to have to make an effort with us and we need confirmation that they are at least Single/Widowed/Divorced. If separated. I think that we need to pull back from them and give them the space to finish up there relationship.

Separated people should just take the time to chill out and not date or anything like that. Go finish up your divorce, so that your new partner when it happens. Does not have to deal with your ex for the most part.

I think a lot of prayers to the universe to help us with this is a great tool as well. We can't always think tank our lives. I don't know if we would all meet someone that is 90 and have them say that everything they did was so well planned and it went their way for the most part. We can't control everything in our lives. I think society pressures us way too much to get coupled. Even if the person is not ideal. If you do see couples that are fawning over each other. Thats just lust and the newness of a relationship. Its not a seasoned couple for the most part. So don't let it get to you.

I think for me its going to come when I least expect it and when I am more chill. Not when I am on the hunt. So for the most part. i don't ask out every single women I meet. She has to be engaging beyond her looks. for that to happen.

We can be on here and speculate and think tank our lives and its a good excersize to have happen. We just have to make sure its not making us sad and causing us grief along the way. My motto is to work out. Pray to the universe for good things to happen. Have a mini checklist in your head for the type of man/woman that you would explore having a relationship with. have time for yourself/family/friends.

My mini checklist is a woman that is single/widowed/divorced with out kids. Or the same with 1-2 kids. Thats it. I don't think at age 46. I would handle a woman with a bunch of kids, as it would be too much for me to handle unless the woman as 50 and at least 3 or 4 of the kids were out of the house or more adult. She lives and wants to stay in our city. She also makes a effort to connect with me, beyond me having to be the driving force behind it.
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Old 6th October 2017, 10:35 AM   #11
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It really takes the right frame of mind for dating to be enjoyable. Honestly, I think a person has to be completely comfortable with being single before they will have fun dating. There's just too many expectations placed on it otherwise. Basically, I go out on a date just looking to meet someone new, strike up a conversation and have a good time. If the date goes reasonably well then we'll plan another and see how things go. If the date is abysmal then nothing progresses further; one of us parts ways.

I also believe that a lot of it comes down to taking things slowly. I avoid going into a date with the firm thought that I am looking for a long-term relationship from someone. I want to spend time with them, see if we click, and gradually move on from there. Many people hit the dating scene with tunnel-vision and are always asking themselves "IS THIS THE ONE?!?!"..
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Old 6th October 2017, 10:54 AM   #12
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It really takes the right frame of mind for dating to be enjoyable. Honestly, I think a person has to be completely comfortable with being single before they will have fun dating. There's just too many expectations placed on it otherwise. Basically, I go out on a date just looking to meet someone new, strike up a conversation and have a good time. If the date goes reasonably well then we'll plan another and see how things go. If the date is abysmal then nothing progresses further; one of us parts ways.

I also believe that a lot of it comes down to taking things slowly. I avoid going into a date with the firm thought that I am looking for a long-term relationship from someone. I want to spend time with them, see if we click, and gradually move on from there. Many people hit the dating scene with tunnel-vision and are always asking themselves "IS THIS THE ONE?!?!"..
I disagree. I think on some level a person should be a little dissatisfied with their situation to want them date.

I'm a prime example of someone who is very happy and satisfied being alone. It's too easy to go years without going on a date, let alone a relationship.

I'm already happy, so why bother? Dating seems to bring a lot of irritation.
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Old 6th October 2017, 11:39 AM   #13
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I disagree. I think on some level a person should be a little dissatisfied with their situation to want them date.

I'm a prime example of someone who is very happy and satisfied being alone. It's too easy to go years without going on a date, let alone a relationship.

I'm already happy, so why bother? Dating seems to bring a lot of irritation.
There's a difference between being "dissatisfied" and wanting to enjoy a romantic relationship. I'm dating again to hopefully add to my life, not to fill some void.

I think many people date because they are unhappy with life on some level and feel like a relationship will help alleviate that some of that. In my experience, this just becomes a vicious cycle. They put a lot of time and energy into dating with high expectations and don't get the return they want. I know I was certainly like this. I didn't like being alone, I saw all of my friends and family out with significant others and it bothered me. I went on date after date and ended up disappointed, on way or another, because I put so much emotional energy into it.

I have a date planned for tomorrow and I am looking forward to it. She seems like a nice gal and we could have a good time together. However, it won't phase me if she cancels or just completely ghosts me. I'll just watch football, play video games or see what one of my friends are up to. In fact, before I planned this date, I was talking to another woman about meeting up tomorrow.

But, she completely flaked on me over the last couple of days so I moved forward. If she gets a hold of me today and asks about tomorrow, I'll politely tell her that I have other plans and let her know that I don't think it'd work with her and I. I'm not angry with her or frustrated with her but her actions are painting a picture of a person that I don't want to go out with.
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Old 6th October 2017, 12:17 PM   #14
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There's a difference between being "dissatisfied" and wanting to enjoy a romantic relationship. I'm dating again to hopefully add to my life, not to fill some void.

I think many people date because they are unhappy with life on some level and feel like a relationship will help alleviate that some of that. In my experience, this just becomes a vicious cycle. They put a lot of time and energy into dating with high expectations and don't get the return they want. I know I was certainly like this. I didn't like being alone, I saw all of my friends and family out with significant others and it bothered me. I went on date after date and ended up disappointed, on way or another, because I put so much emotional energy into it.

I have a date planned for tomorrow and I am looking forward to it. She seems like a nice gal and we could have a good time together. However, it won't phase me if she cancels or just completely ghosts me. I'll just watch football, play video games or see what one of my friends are up to. In fact, before I planned this date, I was talking to another woman about meeting up tomorrow.

But, she completely flaked on me over the last couple of days so I moved forward. If she gets a hold of me today and asks about tomorrow, I'll politely tell her that I have other plans and let her know that I don't think it'd work with her and I. I'm not angry with her or frustrated with her but her actions are painting a picture of a person that I don't want to go out with.
I suppose that's what I was getting at, not for everyone a relationship is adding something.

Or perhaps the relationship does add something, but it's short lived. Or perhaps the road just to get that date let alone a partner is so difficult to some it cancels out a lot of joy. I could just sit here without dating just as easily. Personally, the things I've been through if i could go back, there's much i would change. I would've gotten married in high school or college and other than that not bothered with dating, but hindsight is always 20/20. Some of the things i went through and did were down right dangerous, and imo not worth what i've gotten in return.

This may be a personality difference between you and I. i love my solitude, my alone time, my time to think and explore myself and new things. For what I like to do, another person isn't necessary.

I suppose there are people who date to fill that void. However, there are some of us on the other side of the spectrum who are extremely turned inward.
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Old 6th October 2017, 12:25 PM   #15
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I suppose that's what I was getting at, not for everyone a relationship is adding something.


This may be a personality difference between you and I. i love my solitude, my alone time, my time to think and explore myself and new things. For what I like to do, another person isn't.


I know exactly what you mean . Man, it feels good someone understands. I think sometimes had I dated more, Or had I had a boyfriend in high school and a series of dating experiences there after, I would be less comfortable with singlehood (or more comfortable in a rship)

You know though, this made me think, dating and relationships are different in that you quit at the beginning.. I don't think you can continue going on 'dates' with one person and not have it turn into a relationship of sorts, but casual dating is a sport all in itself.

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