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Is it wrong to want someone to lean on?


In Search Of... Having a hard time forming friendships or finding companions, lovers, or associates? Is someone pursuing an unwelcome relationship with you? Talk about your experiences here.

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Old 19th September 2017, 12:15 PM   #16
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If a man really is good and has love in his heart, he will protect you in those ways like checking your car is safe. Being protective is how you know a man really cares. But being your sugar daddy is something else and not a reasonable expectation.

My guess is you would be happy if the next guy wasn't such a schlub as the last one. So look for a nice man who is protective and enjoys being your hero if he airs your tires up. If you're tired, you also might do better on your own with none of that stress.
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Old 19th September 2017, 12:25 PM   #17
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Originally Posted by preraph View Post
If a man really is good and has love in his heart, he will protect you in those ways like checking your car is safe. Being protective is how you know a man really cares. But being your sugar daddy is something else and not a reasonable expectation.

My guess is you would be happy if the next guy wasn't such a schlub as the last one. So look for a nice man who is protective and enjoys being your hero if he airs your tires up. If you're tired, you also might do better on your own with none of that stress.


That's it. I would like someone that is protective and emotionally supportive. Like I said, make nice gestures and offers. It used to be a fight if I asked him to put air in my tire. Thankfully my new car tells me the air pressure.


I am okay financially.
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Old 19th September 2017, 12:35 PM   #18
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Originally Posted by primer View Post
"Heck, I might not even take him up on them, but at least offer."

Perhaps you missed this part. HaHa!
HaHa! That is an expectation going in and is a turn off to a lot of men.

No I didn't miss that part--did you miss the part about men in your age group being on high alert to women who they don't know well to expect them to spend money right off the bat? After all, you're talking about men you haven't even met yet, not someone you've known for some time.

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I want someone to care that a milestone birthday is coming up. I don't want anyone to buy me a new car, but I want someone to care if I am driving an unsafe piece of ****. I will pay for my cell phone, but at least offer to put me on your plan. (These are all examples.)
Well, caring doesn't cost money, but what you are insinuating by the way you worded it in your first post is that you want him to buy you a car and spend money taking you on trips.

Good luck with meeting someone who is willing to spend their money on someone they just met. Having read through a lot of comments on a dating site I'm on that has message boards, men in our age bracket aren't open to women they just met having a hand in their pocket or an expectation that they pay for vacations, etc.

This has nothing to do with nice people. This has to do with unrealistic expectations of someone you haven't even met yet and expectations are resentments under construction.
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Old 19th September 2017, 12:51 PM   #19
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I get it you want a man to be a man and take the lead, be the protector but the truth of the matter is, they are taken...like my husband
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Old 19th September 2017, 3:23 PM   #20
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Reading between the lines here, I get the sense you want a partnership that isn't all tit for tat.
You want a partnership in which you are both generous with each other.

There isn't anything wrong with what you want.
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Old 19th September 2017, 4:07 PM   #21
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Reading between the lines here, I get the sense you want a partnership that isn't all tit for tat.
You want a partnership in which you are both generous with each other.

There isn't anything wrong with what you want.
It is not asking too much. That last guy sounds like my ex charging me $7.50 for half a pizza.
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Old 19th September 2017, 4:09 PM   #22
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That's it. I would like someone that is protective and emotionally supportive. Like I said, make nice gestures and offers. It used to be a fight if I asked him to put air in my tire. Thankfully my new car tells me the air pressure.


I am okay financially.
It's really easy to pick the wrong guy. And then sone people just stay anyway. I'd advise you to keep your eyes wide open when dating. Remember that in most ways he will be on his best behavior in the first few months so if his behavior isn't good then it's only going to go downhill. However all that protective stuff doesn't kick in until they become committed to you and really care about you and that takes time so don't expect that right out of the box. But honestly you should be able to tell if he's that kind of guy by seeing how he takes care of others like in his family.
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Old 19th September 2017, 4:30 PM   #23
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It's really easy to pick the wrong guy. And then sone people just stay anyway. I'd advise you to keep your eyes wide open when dating. Remember that in most ways he will be on his best behavior in the first few months so if his behavior isn't good then it's only going to go downhill. However all that protective stuff doesn't kick in until they become committed to you and really care about you and that takes time so don't expect that right out of the box. But honestly you should be able to tell if he's that kind of guy by seeing how he takes care of others like in his family.


My ex takes good care of his family. He makes sure his mother drives a reliable vehicle, which is great because she is low-income and elderly. He also takes care of his unstable sister. The fiancÚ before me lived with him along with her three children and he claimed he financially supported them.


For some reason he was not very supportive or protective of me - even emotionally.


So . . . . seeing how a guy takes care of others doesn't work for me.


I do realize that maybe he liked me because I didn't depend on him.
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Old 19th September 2017, 6:28 PM   #24
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I do realize that maybe he liked me because I didn't depend on him.
This is an attractive trait to many. I know it's one of the things I look for in a relationship partner.
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Old 19th September 2017, 9:08 PM   #25
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I am pushing 50. I was in a long-term relationship that ended and now I am starting to realize what I want.


I would like a partner that cares about me and wants to do nice things for me. Is that asking too much? I will still work and be capable of taking care of myself, but I would like someone that makes nice gestures, such as:


1) Hey - You are going to be 50. Let me take you on a nice little trip.


2) Oh my, your car is unsafe. Let's find you a better one.


3) Let's put your cell phone on my plan so you can get a discounted rate. Same for car insurance.


With the relationship that ended, everything was on my own. Every trip out of town was like a business negotiation. You owe me $62.50 for 1/2 of the motel room, I paid for gas, whose vehicle are we taking, etc. I am tired of living like that.


I fed him, gave him leftovers for his lunch, bought him gifts here and there and never asked for anything in return.


Now I want someone to lean on and someone to make nice gestures. Heck, I might not even take him up on them, but at least offer.


Is that wrong of me?
Primer, I totally get what you're saying, because I feel the exact same way! It's not wrong to feel that way. My current boyfriend was a lot like your ex. He always split the bill. Even after I tried leading by example and picking up the whole tab sometimes, or buying food he liked at the grocery store, or bringing him home food when I was out, or giving him money for the toll when he didn't have any cash. I wanted him to feel taken care of. I had to have several talks with him to let him know that splitting the bill every single time was not something I wanted in a relationship. It didn't make me feel cared for.

It's not about using someone or depending on someone for money. It's knowing that someone has your back, and that they care about your well-being and want to do things that make you happy. I swear, if I could find the male version of myself to date I would be in heaven.
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Old 19th September 2017, 9:12 PM   #26
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It is not asking too much. That last guy sounds like my ex charging me $7.50 for half a pizza.
When he was the one who wanted the pizza, right?
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Old 19th September 2017, 9:13 PM   #27
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My ex takes good care of his family. He makes sure his mother drives a reliable vehicle, which is great because she is low-income and elderly. He also takes care of his unstable sister. The fiancÚ before me lived with him along with her three children and he claimed he financially supported them.


For some reason he was not very supportive or protective of me - even emotionally.


So . . . . seeing how a guy takes care of others doesn't work for me.


I do realize that maybe he liked me because I didn't depend on him.
He didn't care that much about you or he would have. I mean, I care more about my best friend than that.
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Old 20th September 2017, 8:50 AM   #28
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Reading between the lines here, I get the sense you want a partnership that isn't all tit for tat.
You want a partnership in which you are both generous with each other.

There isn't anything wrong with what you want.
That's how I took it, too. Definitely nothing wrong in wanting that. Personally, I just assumed being thoughtful and kind to one another whenever possible is how you are supposed to go about the day-to-day operation of one's relationship.

I'm almost 50 myself and our generation - the children of the '80s - is the first in which long- and short-term attraction qualities really became divorced from one another. Short-term qualities prevailed, so now young men learn that kindness and sensitivity only count if one also has great looks/build and can attract women for short-term flings, anyway. For the rest of us, kindness is interpreted as weakness, spinelessness, etc. We end up making compromises because hardly anyone shows us attention.

Then as we get older, both men and women become less flexible about how we live our lives, making day-to-day compatibility in a relationship more difficult.

I once read an article with a title that tried to sum up today's dating/relationship environment, "Women feel unloved and Men feel undateable". It may be pretty close.
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Old 20th September 2017, 4:59 PM   #29
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What you are looking for is a nice guy. And there are plenty of them around. They generally get discourage to ask women out since women rejected them all their lives. So I encourage you to initiate when you see a kind man. Let your friends know you are looking so they can help set you up.
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Old 20th September 2017, 5:10 PM   #30
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I have taken care of myself for 50 years. I am tired. I want someone that cares about my wellbeing and happiness. (Care: feel concern or interest.) Everyone thinks I am a strong, solid, independent woman. In truth, I am tired.
Primer, almost everyone is tired of adulting. I know I am. I think it would be lovely to hand over our decision making responsibilities and live like a child again, but we do need to continue to take care of our own stuff.

Generally speaking, I think that it's too much to want another person to do our adulting for us. Especially when they are tired of it too.
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