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Is it wrong to want someone to lean on?


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Old 19th September 2017, 9:20 AM   #1
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Is it wrong to want someone to lean on?

I am pushing 50. I was in a long-term relationship that ended and now I am starting to realize what I want.


I would like a partner that cares about me and wants to do nice things for me. Is that asking too much? I will still work and be capable of taking care of myself, but I would like someone that makes nice gestures, such as:


1) Hey - You are going to be 50. Let me take you on a nice little trip.


2) Oh my, your car is unsafe. Let's find you a better one.


3) Let's put your cell phone on my plan so you can get a discounted rate. Same for car insurance.


With the relationship that ended, everything was on my own. Every trip out of town was like a business negotiation. You owe me $62.50 for 1/2 of the motel room, I paid for gas, whose vehicle are we taking, etc. I am tired of living like that.


I fed him, gave him leftovers for his lunch, bought him gifts here and there and never asked for anything in return.


Now I want someone to lean on and someone to make nice gestures. Heck, I might not even take him up on them, but at least offer.


Is that wrong of me?
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Old 19th September 2017, 9:32 AM   #2
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Quite frankly, what you're mentioning are all things that come with a price tag, so are you actually saying, even though you claim the opposite, that you want a man to pay for you?

Now, it'd be different if you were saying you wanted someone to accompany you on a 50th birthday trip you're already paying for and he pays his half, or that he is able to get you a great discount at the car dealership because he knows the people there (which was my experience when I bought mine).

To me, someone to lean on is someone who has your best emotional interests at heart; someone who will go with you to the doctor when you have to have a procedure which requires going under anesthesia, someone to hang with on the weekends and have fun... but doesn't come with thousands of dollars being expended, which is what you've listed amounts to.

The fact is: you allowed someone to mooch off of you. That's not the same thing as leaning on someone.

One thing I've found being 57: most men in our age range are on high alert for women who want to spend out their pensions and savings, so unless he's a man of means on the level of the late Aristotle Onassis, you're going to find brick walls to run into if you're looking for someone to constantly throw down cash for you.

I mean, what's in it for them?

Everything you listed, I've done for myself because I don't' want to be at the mercy of any man over what he spent on me.
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Old 19th September 2017, 9:37 AM   #3
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"Heck, I might not even take him up on them, but at least offer."

Perhaps you missed this part. HaHa!






I want someone to care that a milestone birthday is coming up. I don't want anyone to buy me a new car, but I want someone to care if I am driving an unsafe piece of ****. I will pay for my cell phone, but at least offer to put me on your plan. (These are all examples.)


That has to be nice people out there.

Last edited by primer; 19th September 2017 at 9:40 AM..
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Old 19th September 2017, 9:41 AM   #4
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They only do that when you marry young.

You might find a old school man who's 20 years older than you to do it.
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Old 19th September 2017, 9:47 AM   #5
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At 50, you should be past this "take care of me" mentality. Plus it's a modern age where us woman have fought for equal rights.....don't spoil it.
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Old 19th September 2017, 9:50 AM   #6
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On an old skool note: If you are a good cook, willing to clean his house and do his laundry, he just might get his hands dirty and fix your car. Finding a man that is handy is key.
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Old 19th September 2017, 9:51 AM   #7
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Originally Posted by smackie9 View Post
At 50, you should be past this "take care of me" mentality. Plus it's a modern age where us woman have fought for equal rights.....don't spoil it.


I have taken care of myself for 50 years. I am tired. I want someone that cares about my wellbeing and happiness. (Care: feel concern or interest.) Everyone thinks I am a strong, solid, independent woman. In truth, I am tired.
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Old 19th September 2017, 9:53 AM   #8
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Quote:
Originally Posted by smackie9 View Post
On an old skool note: If you are a good cook, willing to clean his house and do his laundry, he just might get his hands dirty and fix your car. Finding a man that is handy is key.


The last guy was very mechanical. He changed his own oil and all that stuff. When I asked if he could change mine, he told me it would be easier if I paid someone. Never asked him again.
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Old 19th September 2017, 9:57 AM   #9
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If you're looking for a relationship in which you deliberately take more than you give, that's wrong (to me, at least). If you're looking for a mutually fulfilling relationship in which you both use your abilities to make each other's lives easier and happier, that seems fair.
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Old 19th September 2017, 10:02 AM   #10
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You might find a old school man who's 20 years older than you to do it.
"Better be an old man's darling than a young man's slave" as the saying goes.
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Old 19th September 2017, 10:04 AM   #11
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She is fed up of giving and getting nothing good in return.
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Old 19th September 2017, 10:15 AM   #12
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"Better be an old man's darling than a young man's slave" as the saying goes.
lol that's funny. I can't be mad at it.
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Old 19th September 2017, 10:21 AM   #13
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I have taken care of myself for 50 years. I am tired. I want someone that cares about my wellbeing and happiness. (Care: feel concern or interest.) Everyone thinks I am a strong, solid, independent woman. In truth, I am tired.
I think everyone wants this. I think you're tired because you have gone so long looking for it (someone to care) and have not found it. I can see why you're tired.

My only suggestion is to quit the relationships sooner than you have been. Once you see that he is not the type of person you want, get rid of him and keep looking. Staying with them is draining the hope out of you. You can't teach them how to be.
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Old 19th September 2017, 10:25 AM   #14
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We are the same age . . . I get that you want to be taken care of and that you're tired of taking care of yourself (i.e. looking after yourself). But, that is the life that you've chosen. Yes, it would be nice to have those things you listed but those things are things my dad did for me growing up and I do for my kids. You're an adult. No one will care about you more than you care about yourself. You need to accept that fact.

I think what you want is more emotional support. A man who cares about your well-being, thoughts and feelings. There are men out there who are that way. You just have to find them.
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Old 19th September 2017, 11:08 AM   #15
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Honestly, for the most part the things you listed - sounded like you want a man to lean on financially.

Do you assume the man you will date will have more money than you, and therefore be able to buy you a car, a trip etc?

I have said it before on this forum - When I was young my dad said "never expect a man to take care of you" and I never have.

I think its very reasonable to want someone to lean emotionally, or to have what I like to think a partner by your side as you two battle the world together.

I am married, and I have basically been in a relationship all my adult life - so I know my perspective is different. But, we have also co-mingled all our funds from day 1, and I make a considerable amount more than he does.

He doesn't "buy me a trip" we go on one together, but sometimes he will do more of the planning.

He doesn't "buy me a car" - together we decide we need a new one, and what we can afford.

As for the oil changes - ya know, I learned how to do them myself! Its pretty empowering to make yourself more capable. That said, he is right, its easier to take them to the place. Sometimes my husband does it, sometimes I do it, or I just take it in.
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