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Should I put I'm clinically depressed in my dating profile?


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Old 12th September 2017, 4:34 AM   #1
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Should I put I'm clinically depressed in my dating profile?

This is kind of a confession, but an opinion would be very helpful.

It's generally advised not to share 'issues' right away when dating. You are told not to put all your baggage on the table and "sell your best self". But isn't this pointless if you are certain whatever it is will be an immediate deal breaker for most people? People often put their height in their profile for this reason. How much time and energy should you waste before you drop the bomb?

I've been online dating and seeing a few guys, but always hit a road block in connecting with anyone romantically. It's like I never get passed the superficial. I stifle my personality because I'm so afraid of my dark secrets coming out. I've always found it easy to make 'friends' , but have few close ones.

When I was 17, I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder. Sometimes I am fine, but for no explicable reason, some switch goes off and I hit melancholia, anhedonia, and existential angst.

Depression runs in my family, but missed my parents. They have a 'pull yourself up by the bootstraps and just try to be happy' attitude towards it, so I learned how. I have the ability to cover it up to an extent, but always lurking, so any interactions at that time are inauthentic and inconsistent. Ask anyone who only knows me in small doses, including people I date the first couple times, and I am always a smiley, bubbly, happy person, full of zest for life.

But know me long enough, and it comes crumbling down because I can't keep up the facade. On first date I am charming as can be. It's easy to fake for 2ish hours, but each subsequent date becomes more intrusive. They begin trying to weave themselves into your life, understand the deepest parts of you, and find out what makes you tick. This scares me. I dodge or bolt, so it's done.


Most people want to be around someone positive and uplifting. Except when you're depressed, then you want someone who gets it. My last bf was a cynical, broody, moody artist. I'd rather be alone then be with someone like that again, but that's the only person I can really connect with. I think we both secretly envied and wanted to be with one of those healthy people, but we're only able to be open with each other.

I've been on several medications throughout my life, some of which take away my ability to think as clearly, but none that have completely taken away the blues. Spent several years in therapy. Major depression is treatable, but it never completely goes away. I think since it is genetic except for some bullying which didn't help, I have to accept it as part of my identity.

And it's not totally bad. I'm not always sad. To be honest, I don't mind it. I'm not ONLY my depression. I find myself more astute, chalked up to depressive realism. I'm pretty stoic and resilient, having felt lowest of the lows. But I know it will be something that will challenge me for life. I often find solace in the grim. I'll need to be alone a lot and need to explain why. While dating, should I be completely transparent and get however few are willing to bite or try my best to stifle it and focus on positivity on despite how I might feel?


Thank you

Last edited by Cookiesandough; 12th September 2017 at 5:13 AM..
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Old 12th September 2017, 5:15 AM   #2
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I don't know the answer Cookies, but I want to send you a big (((hug)))
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Old 12th September 2017, 5:16 AM   #3
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I don't know the answer Cookies, but I want to send you a big (((hug)))
Thanks, basil ((hug))
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Old 12th September 2017, 5:22 AM   #4
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I don't think I would. Not because it's something to be ashamed of, or that it would be a deal-breaker for a lot of men. But, it may evoke a "why would she put that in a dating profile??" reaction. You probably wouldn't put that you had psoriasis or IBS either, right? Medical problems should be discussed in person, not on a dating profile. I think the only real exceptions would be if someone was paralyzed, blind, etc. Something that might be obvious from the start and so a potential dater might want to just be prepared. I remember getting a message once from a man who was a paraplegic.
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Old 12th September 2017, 5:33 AM   #5
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I imagine you will get all sorts of opinions on this, that said I think you should do what you feel best is for you.

I think the right answer is probably no, not on your profile. Yet I would err on telling someone fairly early on (perhaps on the second date if not the first or in that vicinity). I've no doubt some will accept it and press on, while others would rather pass. Which is understandable for some of us, who have been there and don't want to do that again.

My ex-wife suffers from diagnosed depression, which didn't manifest more fully until after we were married (mostly because we were both quite young). Being young and naive I didn't even think the fact that two of her aunts had issues, with one of them being hospitalised often frequently at times warned of things that might come. Yet I found out it hurt a lot being with her as a consequence, and it was not something I could keep bashing my head against. My ex-wife's sexual infidelity, was simply the last straw rather than the first string that unravelled it all.

Considering the fact that you are older, are self aware and deal with it would be in your favour, yet being evasive about it and preferring to avoid sharing that does you no favours. There is much merit in owning who you are and in being honest with those who will invest in you because you are who you are.
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Old 12th September 2017, 5:45 AM   #6
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I wouldn't put it on your profile, as some men are looking for the weak and vulnerable so they can exploit and and abuse them.
By putting it on your profile you are shouting
"Here I am, the perfect "victim", come and abuse me..."
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Old 12th September 2017, 5:47 AM   #7
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Only positive uplifting things belong in your profile, anything that paints yourself in a possible negative light shouldn't be disclosed in the written form and only after you get to know someone and feel the trust so that they won't use it against you do you disclose it.
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Old 12th September 2017, 5:51 AM   #8
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I wouldn't put it on your profile, as some men are looking for the weak and vulnerable so they can exploit and and abuse them.
By putting it on your profile you are shouting
"Here I am, the perfect "victim", come and abuse me..."
This is a great point. Didn't think of that!
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Old 12th September 2017, 6:30 AM   #9
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At some point a lot of people are depressed. I would not put it in a profile. I didn't put it in mine. While there is no shame, there is also no reason to advertise.
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Old 12th September 2017, 6:36 AM   #10
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I would say this is 2nd date material.
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Old 12th September 2017, 7:04 AM   #11
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I would say this is 2nd date material.
I respectfully disagree. I doubt I'd discuss this any earlier than the 2nd month & only then if my depression was at the levels where I became non-functioning.

I also wouldn't expect to discuss high blood pressure, high cholesterol, childhood diseases etc.

Not every thing about everybody is the business of a new SO. I am a firm believer that you get to keep medical info private. If you wouldn't sign the HIPPA form at the doctor & name this new SO as the person who can talk directly to your physician then you don't have to tell them everything.
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Old 12th September 2017, 7:21 AM   #12
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I respectfully disagree. I doubt I'd discuss this any earlier than the 2nd month & only then if my depression was at the levels where I became non-functioning.

Thank you. Everyone makes good points!!! I have never thought about the exploitation aspect, either. I won't put it.


That's interesting, D0nnivain. What I worry about is either of us becoming invested in that time, only to find out that I have periods of almost paralyzing sadness they would have never signed up for initially. I wouldn't blame them for dipping out.

Not sure I can even get there, though, because it's hard for me to get to know someone. My thoughts are often gloomy. It isn't something you really want to bring to a first date. Sometimes I attempt to turn my pessimism into black humor and stuff like that, but it's too much. So I push it aside and grin and bear it, a completely fake persona, like with work or anything else in life.

In addition, so much of my life has been impacted by it. It explains large gaps in my life. For example, so many times where I didn't enjoy tv, music, exploring with friends...just culture and doing what normal people do in their free time. Just sitting and thinking. It's very hard to explain that without vaguely without raising eyebrows and people are less willing to be open if you aren't.

It was an epiphany to me that this is what was causing my disconnect romantically and fear of getting close...people bond with familiarity/likeness of mind and also vulnerability/openness...two things I'm fighting against.

Last edited by Cookiesandough; 12th September 2017 at 7:41 AM.. Reason: i
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Old 12th September 2017, 7:42 AM   #13
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Not sure I can even get there, though, because it's hard for me to get to know someone. My thoughts are often pretty negative and gloomy. It isn't something you really want to bring to a first date. Sometimes I attempt to turn my pessimism into dry humor and stuff like that, but it's too much. So I push it aside and grin and bear it, a completely fake persona, like with work or anything else in life.
But you cannot keep up that persona when you get to know somebody, so you bolt after the first date. So I would strongly suggest telling them during the first dates, and they should know by that time that something is up. I dated somebody about two years ago who told me on the first date that she had suicidal thoughts growing up. Knowing that allowed me to not take some of her pauses or gaps in communication personally, which I otherwise would have interpreted as disinterest, and give it more time.

If somebody getting to know you scares you no matter what, then I'm really not sure what benefit you are receiving from dating at this stage.
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Old 12th September 2017, 8:53 AM   #14
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I think the bigger question you have to ask is if you should be dating at all until you get your depression under control.

Looking at your prior threads and actions, you do not appear to be in a place to attract a healthy relationship.
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Old 12th September 2017, 10:48 AM   #15
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If somebody getting to know you scares you no matter what, then I'm really not sure what benefit you are receiving from dating at this stage.
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I think the bigger question you have to ask is if you should be dating at all until you get your depression under control.

Looking at your prior threads and actions, you do not appear to be in a place to attract a healthy relationship.
I think there's some sense to this. My best friend is very outgoing, likable, gregarious, sociable, etc. Seemingly out of nowhere he started treating his friends, and especially women he was dating, horribly. He'd lie incessantly, tell them he'd be somewhere, then not show up, tell him he loved them, then ignore them. He's not a malicious, hurtful person, but after we had an intervention for him it turned out that he had depression and/or something else and couldn't help what he was doing. He didn't want to hurt people but that was what happened inevitably because he couldn't stop. Eventually when it all came out, everyone was understanding and sympathetic, but sort of resistant to get involved romantically as it was more a liability than an asset.

Relationships are partnerships. You know what's in it for you, but you've got to also consider everything, good and bad, that you're bringing to someone else. It could be variable considering the extent of your condition. It might be manageable, it might not be. I'd talk to a professional about this specifically if I were you. Best of luck!


Quote:
Originally Posted by elaine567 View Post
I wouldn't put it on your profile, as some men are looking for the weak and vulnerable so they can exploit and and abuse them.
By putting it on your profile you are shouting
"Here I am, the perfect "victim", come and abuse me..."
People do this? Jesus.
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