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I am not attracted to most men. What is wrong with me?


In Search Of... Having a hard time forming friendships or finding companions, lovers, or associates? Is someone pursuing an unwelcome relationship with you? Talk about your experiences here.

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Old 5th September 2017, 10:08 PM   #16
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Originally Posted by kendahke View Post
First off, don't poop where you eat.

Meaning: don't look for boyfriends at the place where you draw your paycheck. It has the potential for getting messy and uncomfortable.

Are you more attracted by how they think and comport themselves rather than how they look?

Look for men in activities you enjoy doing.

Also, where you live has a lot to do with how many eligible men you will come across.

You're still young enough to where there are more unmarried guys in your age range who are not victims of their own bad choices than, say, if you were in your 40's.
As I mentioned before I am in a mostly female dominated field, so that is most likely not going to happen.

I say a little of both. But for me to have a sexual relationship with someone, I need to be attracted to them.
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Old 5th September 2017, 10:19 PM   #17
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You're screwing your self over. You're brainwashing yourself and you don't even realize it! You keep saying over and over I'm not attracted to men, he was THE ONLY one I'm attracted to. Well, heck what did you think would happen when you're constantly feeding your subconscious these thoughts over and over and over? You will stop finding men attractive. It's called hypnosis and you're doing it to yourself.
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Old 5th September 2017, 10:53 PM   #18
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My wife was a virgin until she met me at the age of 20. We got engaged 3 weeks after we first met. Will be married 45 years next month. Since she was a virgin she was curious about how sex would be with someone else but did not want to cheat. I lost my first fiancé due to her curiosity about sex with other men. So when the opportunity came for a wife swap with our best friends, we took it. We were pretty drunk at the time.

My wife hated it. She only knew making love with a man she had deep feelings for and swore off all other men but me. My wife ended up realising that she is bisexual. She had a girlfriend that she shared with me for most of our marriage. I do not know why she picked me as her only male and her girlfriend as her only woman. She said that she is attracted to the person first, not their gender. My ex fiancé also turned out to be bi and divorced her one and only husband to marry her girlfriend of 23 years.

The third woman I had a relationship with is also bi. I did not know these women are bi until well into the relationship. For some reason bi women are attracted to me as their male lover. Sexuality is fluid. Even I had sex with two gay friends in my early years just for the experience. Not attracted to men so I never did it again.

You should like my wife. I was the first in almost all things in her life that involve a male. However, she is more interested in women most of the time or hot guys with feminine features. I am far from feminine looking. Look more like a mob hitman with the scars on my face to give me a ruggedly handsome look or so I was told.

You too may be attracted to the person and not their gender so give yourself permission to go where your heart takes you. My wife was extremely lucky in that her best friend since childhood is bi and has been with a few women in college and that I was OK with her being bi and having her girlfriend live with us for many years. Read this and visit Robyn Ochs website. Just Google her name. Being bi is not just black and white. You can want males for some areas of your life and females for others. Even that can change over time as it does for my wife. She will not date a woman or enter into a romance with one. She wants to be married to a man but have the companionship of a female. All of my bi partners have been different about how they viewed the sexes at any given moment. Not saying you are bi but my wife went over two decades wondering why she only is attracted to me and not other men. The night I asked her to join me and her girlfriend in bed made it all clear to her. Just something to think about as all my bi exes never felt that they were bi for many years.

DEFINITION OF BISEXUALITY: “I call myself bisexual because I acknowledge that I have in myself the potential to be attracted – romantically and/or sexually – to people of more than one sex and/or gender, not necessarily at the same time, not necessarily in the same way, and not necessarily to the same degree.”
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Old 7th September 2017, 3:41 PM   #19
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Don't rush

Finding other people unattractive could be you just mourning the relationship with your ex, you may look for versions of him in other people without realizing it and throwing the prospect of them away before really giving them a chance.

Now, I'm not advocating for you to give everyone a chance, rather just focus on other things instead, maybe a hobby, or work. Just because your field doesn't generally have a lot of men in it it doesn't mean you won't meet someone eventually, could be online dating, could be on your commute to work, could be at a happy hour with your co-workers. It could even be at the [insert other favorite food or beverage here] shop.

What I'm saying is it sounds like you are rushing to find a mate before leaving college. Don't. The world is pretty large and there's no reason to think that the pool is going to get smaller. If anything it will get better, you will learn about yourself and about what you want. You'll narrow your scope on things you're just not going to be thinking about while in college, you're 22, your priorities will change and so will be the qualities you look for in a partner.

You can try online/app dating, that's how I met my wife, and it's ok if you don't like the majority of men out there, I didn't like the majority of women there when I was dating. All it takes is one.
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Old 7th September 2017, 6:32 PM   #20
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Are there people attracted to most men?? I think you're about what I consider normal. I've been really attracted to men 3 times, ages of 24, 29, 32. That's it. I had relationships with none of them. I had relationships with 3 other men that I have grown to love/like. I think most people are that way but lie to themselves that they are attracted to whoever they date/are in RL with/are married to. Human brain has wonderful protective mechanisms like self-deception
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Old 7th September 2017, 7:23 PM   #21
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Originally Posted by Caramelpopcorn View Post
You're screwing your self over. You're brainwashing yourself and you don't even realize it! You keep saying over and over I'm not attracted to men, he was THE ONLY one I'm attracted to. Well, heck what did you think would happen when you're constantly feeding your subconscious these thoughts over and over and over? You will stop finding men attractive. It's called hypnosis and you're doing it to yourself.
I disagree.
I have my "type" that I am attracted to and my ex fit that type (plus he had the personality that made me actually want to date him. If he were a jerk this wouldn't have panned out).

Before then I didn't meet anyone that I found attractive and after my ex left it has been the same.

What am I supposed to do? Date people I am not attracted to? Lie to myself? Break someone's heart because I can't bring myself to kiss them because physically I am not feeling it?

That wouldn't be fair to them.

I tried the whole dating someone I am not attracted to thing (just to be more open minded), with a guy for 3 weeks (since it was only 3 weeks I don't consider him my ex). It didn't work out because I couldn't bring myself to be physical with him at all. He was an okay person but I didn't want to kiss him at all. I was lying to myself and I knew it.

This was way before I dated my ex. So people saying I am not finding anyone attractive because I am still attached to my ex, I think this is not the case.
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Old 7th September 2017, 7:32 PM   #22
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Originally Posted by Steve51 View Post
My wife was a virgin until she met me at the age of 20. We got engaged 3 weeks after we first met. Will be married 45 years next month. Since she was a virgin she was curious about how sex would be with someone else but did not want to cheat. I lost my first fiancé due to her curiosity about sex with other men. So when the opportunity came for a wife swap with our best friends, we took it. We were pretty drunk at the time.

My wife hated it. She only knew making love with a man she had deep feelings for and swore off all other men but me. My wife ended up realising that she is bisexual. She had a girlfriend that she shared with me for most of our marriage. I do not know why she picked me as her only male and her girlfriend as her only woman. She said that she is attracted to the person first, not their gender. My ex fiancé also turned out to be bi and divorced her one and only husband to marry her girlfriend of 23 years.

The third woman I had a relationship with is also bi. I did not know these women are bi until well into the relationship. For some reason bi women are attracted to me as their male lover. Sexuality is fluid. Even I had sex with two gay friends in my early years just for the experience. Not attracted to men so I never did it again.

You should like my wife. I was the first in almost all things in her life that involve a male. However, she is more interested in women most of the time or hot guys with feminine features. I am far from feminine looking. Look more like a mob hitman with the scars on my face to give me a ruggedly handsome look or so I was told.

You too may be attracted to the person and not their gender so give yourself permission to go where your heart takes you. My wife was extremely lucky in that her best friend since childhood is bi and has been with a few women in college and that I was OK with her being bi and having her girlfriend live with us for many years. Read this and visit Robyn Ochs website. Just Google her name. Being bi is not just black and white. You can want males for some areas of your life and females for others. Even that can change over time as it does for my wife. She will not date a woman or enter into a romance with one. She wants to be married to a man but have the companionship of a female. All of my bi partners have been different about how they viewed the sexes at any given moment. Not saying you are bi but my wife went over two decades wondering why she only is attracted to me and not other men. The night I asked her to join me and her girlfriend in bed made it all clear to her. Just something to think about as all my bi exes never felt that they were bi for many years.

DEFINITION OF BISEXUALITY: “I call myself bisexual because I acknowledge that I have in myself the potential to be attracted – romantically and/or sexually – to people of more than one sex and/or gender, not necessarily at the same time, not necessarily in the same way, and not necessarily to the same degree.”
I have never been attracted to a female in a crush sense. And the few times I have found a women sexually attractive is when they dressed more androgynous or has a male/Tomboy look. Yeah I wondered if I was bi and I am just not. And I don't feel like I am repressing anything really. I like feeling protected and a masculine vibe I get from men. I like tall me as well and I am 5"1 so I like that "protective" feeling. I like feeling small and having someone towering over me in bed. I do not think I am sexually confused.
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Old 7th September 2017, 7:42 PM   #23
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Originally Posted by rod_in_gtown View Post
Finding other people unattractive could be you just mourning the relationship with your ex, you may look for versions of him in other people without realizing it and throwing the prospect of them away before really giving them a chance.

Now, I'm not advocating for you to give everyone a chance, rather just focus on other things instead, maybe a hobby, or work. Just because your field doesn't generally have a lot of men in it it doesn't mean you won't meet someone eventually, could be online dating, could be on your commute to work, could be at a happy hour with your co-workers. It could even be at the [insert other favorite food or beverage here] shop.

What I'm saying is it sounds like you are rushing to find a mate before leaving college. Don't. The world is pretty large and there's no reason to think that the pool is going to get smaller. If anything it will get better, you will learn about yourself and about what you want. You'll narrow your scope on things you're just not going to be thinking about while in college, you're 22, your priorities will change and so will be the qualities you look for in a partner.

You can try online/app dating, that's how I met my wife, and it's ok if you don't like the majority of men out there, I didn't like the majority of women there when I was dating. All it takes is one.
I also wonder if I am still mourning the relationship. We dated 6 months and have been apart one year so if I am mourning as many people on this thread believe that I am, I wonder just how much time is supposed to pass until I feel "moved on" or if that is something that will never happen. IDk really.

In a way I do sort of want a version of him, as he had many traits I would like in a partner, i guess but he wasn't perfect and had things I didn't like.

He was a bit sensitive for example. He got mad at me once for calling him smart. And I quote "I work hard for my grades, its not like I am just smart". I meant no harm by the comment but he took it the wrong way.

(My ex is my type and Id like to find similar features in a sense but for personality I am more flexible as long as they aren't jerks or treat me badly.)

I have done the focusing on other things. I have a full time job, am a part time student and am saving up to get my own apartment. I haven't looked at social media in ages, but I still think about him every single day without fail.

I may try online dating, eventually. Not sure how else to meet new people, so it doesn't hurt right?
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Old 7th September 2017, 7:45 PM   #24
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Originally Posted by No_Go View Post
Are there people attracted to most men?? I think you're about what I consider normal. I've been really attracted to men 3 times, ages of 24, 29, 32. That's it. I had relationships with none of them. I had relationships with 3 other men that I have grown to love/like. I think most people are that way but lie to themselves that they are attracted to whoever they date/are in RL with/are married to. Human brain has wonderful protective mechanisms like self-deception
Thank you for your reply. It made me smile a little, but I have never been the type to transition from like to love.

I categorize people into friends and romantic partners pretty quickly (why so many of my friends accused me of "friend zoning". Maybe it will happen to me one day
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Last edited by HiCrunchy; 7th September 2017 at 7:45 PM.. Reason: spelling
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Old 7th September 2017, 8:23 PM   #25
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Originally Posted by HiCrunchy View Post
Thank you for your reply. It made me smile a little, but I have never been the type to transition from like to love.

I categorize people into friends and romantic partners pretty quickly (why so many of my friends accused me of "friend zoning". Maybe it will happen to me one day
I was same way your age but then after being in a RL for long enough I grew on them. You need to spend ton of time and energy for this to happen and it's not the same love. At your age I'd just wait and not bother.
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Old 7th September 2017, 8:28 PM   #26
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Maybe nothing is wrong with you, you just need to know the man first. Nothing wrong with that. I look at some and think "he's handsome" or whatever, but no sexual attraction per se. I have to get to know someone, than sexual attraction develops. And when it does, it is amazing.
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Old 8th September 2017, 1:53 PM   #27
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With the exception of some of the Women I work with. I find most women attractive from age 24 ish to 70. I am 46. So for me. I doubt that I will be with a woman and not have any physical attraction to them some how.

I have female friends. All of them are lookers. One of them is 66 and I have to lay mental tricks just to go out with her, when we have an outing.

I see myself as being in the Boyishly/handsome/cute range. Thats just my view on myself. So if your not into that. Ok thats fine.

I think that Women are over promoted beauty wise than Men. So thats why I think that women are actually less attracted to men than vice versa.
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Old 10th September 2017, 9:30 AM   #28
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Originally Posted by Daisy2013 View Post
Maybe nothing is wrong with you, you just need to know the man first. Nothing wrong with that. I look at some and think "he's handsome" or whatever, but no sexual attraction per se. I have to get to know someone, than sexual attraction develops. And when it does, it is amazing.
Like I mentioned in the post above. I was instantly attracted to my ex. There wasn't a lag time or anything to be attracted to him physically at least, so I do not believe that is my issue.
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Old 10th September 2017, 9:35 AM   #29
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Originally Posted by Mysterio View Post

I think that Women are over promoted beauty wise than Men. So thats why I think that women are actually less attracted to men than vice versa.
So what do you mean that women are promoted more beauty wise? Do you mean that women are expected to be more beautiful, so put more effort into their appearance and hence why there are more beautiful women vs men. As for men, there are many people who do not believe men should take care of their appearance and hence less attractive men?

I've never thought about it that way, but its a possibility.

But that is more of a societal thing than my own personal problems in dating.
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Old 11th September 2017, 5:14 AM   #30
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What I mean by Promoted beauty is that all the music video's, TV/Internet/Print Ads have women's beauty highlighted.

I see more Women's beauty in mens faces than vice versa.
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