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It happened. Why does it still bother me?


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I don't date, never have, never will. I don't connect with people. It's whatever. I'm over that. But, years ago, I knew a woman, and I felt like we had a connection. She was basically everything I ever hoped to find in a girl. But, she wasn't into me that way, and I lost my friendship with her. That was years ago now.

 

I'm a bit ashamed to say I've occasionally been a bit of a "creeper", looking her up on social media to see what she's been up to. I haven't been so bad about it for the last 6-8 months. Maybe a peek once every 2-3 weeks.

 

And recently, I've seen that she's engaged. And that bugs me. Don't get me wrong, I know her life is none of my business, I know it's silly and downright crazy for me to still feel any kind of sadness about this. I knew her years ago. It's done and over with. Heck, we never even "had" anything to begin with, aside from my misguided feelings.

 

I know I should be completely over all of that, that I shouldn't even be thinking about her anymore at this point. So why does it still bother me?

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Cookiesandough

Maybe if you dated more women you wouldn't have been obsessing over this one and lurking her social media for years.

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CautiouslyOptimistic

I'm just curious why you're on LS if you don't date or connect with people. Do you want to?

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Maybe if you dated more women you wouldn't have been obsessing over this one and lurking her social media for years.

 

Yeah, probably, but that's not the direction my life went in.

 

I'm just curious why you're on LS if you don't date or connect with people. Do you want to?

 

I used to want those things, yeah, but as time has gone on, I've lost interest in them. Just felt like I was desiring things that weren't in reach for me, and I saw no point in that. I'm on this site because, well, frankly, I've been here a while and it's familiar to me.

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Scarlett.O'hara
I know I should be completely over all of that, that I shouldn't even be thinking about her anymore at this point. So why does it still bother me?

 

I think it is probably due to the fact that you never found anyone to replace her in your affections, and that you continued to indulge your infatuation by looking at her social media, which allowed you to continue a one sided connection.

 

There are certain things that most people seem to crave, and love is one of them. Even if you are comfortable being single, there may still be certain desires that needs an outlet.

 

You felt a connection with her in the past, so she may fill the roll of idealized love or lust for you. It may have felt safe and familiar to indulge in this fantasy every now and then until you got a cold hard dose of reality.

 

I'm only assuming this is the case, but I can see why this would bring up a number of unpleasant feelings if it were true.

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What makes you say they're out of reach??

 

Lots of reasons, really. For one, like I said, I'm basically incapable of connecting with another person. I also don't believe I have anything to offer to another person (which I know sounds sad/ depressing, but I don't think of it that way, I'm just speaking from a logical point of view). Even if I somehow found myself in a "romantic" relationship, I don't feel like I could be a very good partner. On top of all that, I'm inching closer and closer to turning 30, and at this point, I feel like I've missed the boat on learning how to date, how to have a relationship, how to be intimate and affectionate, how to be a good partner.

 

You're human and have regrets and emotions.

 

Yeah, I guess. I just hate how completely irrational my feelings towards this are. No sane, levelheaded person should still be saddened by some girl they haven't even seen in several years having a life of her own that doesn't include me.

 

I think it is probably due to the fact that you never found anyone to replace her in your affections, and that you continued to indulge your infatuation by looking at her social media, which allowed you to continue a one sided connection.

 

There are certain things that most people seem to crave, and love is one of them. Even if you are comfortable being single, there may still be certain desires that needs an outlet.

 

You felt a connection with her in the past, so she may fill the roll of idealized love or lust for you. It may have felt safe and familiar to indulge in this fantasy every now and then until you got a cold hard dose of reality.

 

I'm only assuming this is the case, but I can see why this would bring up a number of unpleasant feelings if it were true.

 

Yes, you make some good points. Not entirely sure what that means for how to deal with it, though.

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Cookiesandough

Ye, it does sound sad, but I know how you feel. It probably seems like cold logic to but your assessment of yourself is probably overly critical. Everyone has something to offer if they want and it's nowhere near to late to work on yourself if that is what you think needs to be done. You seem to want that connection. It's human/

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Ye, it does sound sad, but I know how you feel. It probably seems like cold logic to but your assessment of yourself is probably overly critical. Everyone has something to offer if they want and it's nowhere near to late to work on yourself if that is what you think needs to be done. You seem to want that connection. It's human/

 

Hah, well, I don't know about that. One can't always have what they want, and I learned this a long time ago; so, it doesn't matter what I may have wanted in the past. It's just something that's beyond my capability, something I don't actually deserve. Such is life.

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You are making a whole lot of assumptions about yourself that are probably wrong. Most people can connect with others in some way. I have a feeling you got very attached to this woman and have not really moved on. Maybe this is why you feel you cannot connect with others - you are still stuck on her at some level. You write well and your feelings are expressed well. You could communicate that in person with others. There are people who get 'stuck' on one person. It is a very real phenomenon. It does not mean you will be stuck forever, especially when you realise how it is holding you back from making the life for yourself that you deserve.

 

It might be worth seeking therapy to help you to work through these feelings. I think you may have identified where you became stuck. You are definitely not past the dating stage at 30. I am twice your age and still get dates. In fact, I think if you can look at this situation with the help of someone independent, you might find that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. x

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Because she gave you hope that you'd meet someone you really like. We've all been there. She represented something, the ideal woman. Turns out she's not the ideal woman, at least not for you or it would have been mutual. I think you probably imbued her with a lot of positive traits without really knowing her well enough to have known that.

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You are making a whole lot of assumptions about yourself that are probably wrong. Most people can connect with others in some way. I have a feeling you got very attached to this woman and have not really moved on. Maybe this is why you feel you cannot connect with others - you are still stuck on her at some level. You write well and your feelings are expressed well. You could communicate that in person with others. There are people who get 'stuck' on one person. It is a very real phenomenon. It does not mean you will be stuck forever, especially when you realise how it is holding you back from making the life for yourself that you deserve.

 

Well, I couldn't connect with people prior to her, either. I'm not talking just "romantically", but in general. I've always been an extreme introvert that's also completely socially inept. Things felt... different, with her, and I didn't know what that meant, but I had hoped it actually meant things were changing for the better for me. After I was rejected, I felt like I was back to square one, and I've been there ever since.

 

Like I said, I'm not saddened or upset in any way about my inability to have relationships with people, romantic or platonic. Maybe I was at one point, but I've accepted that it's generally just not in the cards for me. Surely, that's just life for some people.

 

Because she gave you hope that you'd meet someone you really like. We've all been there. She represented something, the ideal woman. Turns out she's not the ideal woman, at least not for you or it would have been mutual. I think you probably imbued her with a lot of positive traits without really knowing her well enough to have known that.

 

I dunno, I don't feel I imbued her with anything that wasn't there. One of the things that felt important to me is that I liked her for her. I didn't feel attracted to her because of qualities I imagined she had.

 

I also kind of think the whole notion of "Well, she's not your ideal partner because she didn't return your attraction" to be somewhat silly. I mean, obviously if you want to date someone, it should be mutual. But in a case like this, it was me finding my ideal partner but simply not being good enough for her.

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Scarlett.O'hara
Yes, you make some good points. Not entirely sure what that means for how to deal with it, though.

 

Understanding why you feel this way might be the first step towards beginning to deal with it and move on.

 

If that is what you actually want?

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Based on what you described I would recommend professional help. Giving advice to people with psychological problems is not for laymen to give. You have issues about how you view yourself and an unhealthy obsession with a girl who rejected you.

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Understanding why you feel this way might be the first step towards beginning to deal with it and move on.

 

If that is what you actually want?

 

Well, I just mean that I've known since day one that it's irrational and borderline crazy to continue carrying feelings for someone who rejected you. I'm self aware to know that that's a very bad thing. It's just, traditionally, people's advice for moving on is to date other people. But what about for someone in which dating people is not a viable option?

 

Based on what you described I would recommend professional help. Giving advice to people with psychological problems is not for laymen to give. You have issues about how you view yourself and an unhealthy obsession with a girl who rejected you.

 

Is my outlook really that unhealthy, though? Don't get me wrong, I understand that, to an unbiased third party, my outlook on life seems bleak and depressing, but I don't think of it in that way. To me, it's just logic. I mean, really, there are plenty of things that each of us is incapable of. I'll never be a brain surgeon, or a rocket scientist, or an A list actor. I'm sure there are similar things we could each say about ourselves. For me, dating and relationships are just one of those things in that category.

 

I wasn't good enough to be with this girl. Plain and simple. Yes, I wish that I were good enough for her, but I wasn't, I'm not, and that's just something I have to figure out how to live with.

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HarmonyDriven

Why does it still bother you?

 

IMO, she has become your fantasy woman. You probably dream about her, you might always think about her, yet you really don't even know her.....not anymore. By creeping her social media, you somehow get to experience her through her world, yet she hasn't a clue.

 

It will always bother you until you truly want it to stop.

 

I agree with other posters, professional help might be what you need, and there is nothing wrong with it. Good luck :)

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Scarlett.O'hara
Well, I just mean that I've known since day one that it's irrational and borderline crazy to continue carrying feelings for someone who rejected you. I'm self aware to know that that's a very bad thing. It's just, traditionally, people's advice for moving on is to date other people. But what about for someone in which dating people is not a viable option?

 

It sounds like you are at a bit of a cross road right now. You can continue down the same path and risk getting hurt again (when she posts her wedding photos or announces a pregnancy etc) or you can take a new path which doesn't involve her at all.

 

At a minimum it will require blocking her social media so you can't give in to temptation and look again. Other options might to be talk to a counselor about how you are feeling. They might have some useful tools to help. Otherwise have a look at some self help books and see if you find something that might work from you.

 

Try to look at this as a positive step forward.

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It sounds like you are at a bit of a cross road right now. You can continue down the same path and risk getting hurt again (when she posts her wedding photos or announces a pregnancy etc) or you can take a new path which doesn't involve her at all.

 

At a minimum it will require blocking her social media so you can't give in to temptation and look again. Other options might to be talk to a counselor about how you are feeling. They might have some useful tools to help. Otherwise have a look at some self help books and see if you find something that might work from you.

 

Try to look at this as a positive step forward.

 

Yeah, I mean... I've had periods of several months where I'm better at not looking her up. Even now, it's not like a daily habit, or anything, it's like once every 2-3 weeks. Which, I know, doing it at all is still pretty bad.

 

I dunno, it's like, I don't exactly think about her every single day, or anything like that, either. I wouldn't say I waste copious amounts of time thinking about her or anything. I think what bothers me more is just knowing that I felt like I was so close to having "something" with someone, at some point, and that it turned out I was completely wrong and wasn't close at all to having "something". And also that that was, like, the one instance in my almost 30 years of life that I really felt that way.

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Scarlett.O'hara

Well blocking her might be the way to go then. It will at least help curb the impulse.

 

I know you said you don't see yourself being with anyone, but there are people who meet someone later on in life, so don't think that 30 is the end of the story, because it isn't.

 

Just continue to try and be the best version of yourself possible, you never know what the future has in store for you.

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I know that there have been a few girls over the years that I wonder what they're up to because we 'hit it off' but it went no where. I don't go out of my way to look them up, ever. I don't really care, but when their name comes up; or I stumble across something from them, it's always interesting to see where they are.

 

As for your situation, actively looking even years later; I don't know if I'd consider that healthy for you. I guess you feel like there may be something still there, but the reality and the truth is; I almost question if she knows you even exist?

 

If you aren't interested in meeting or dating anyone platonic or romantic; I don't know why it matters anyway? I think you may be pretty introverted, which is totally fine! We all have some level of companionship; yours may just be low.

 

I'd recommend just not looking into it anymore, you said it yourself; it's none of your business. Get out there and enjoy life my friend. Whether you're with someone or alone, just enjoy life and do things that make you happy.

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As for your situation, actively looking even years later; I don't know if I'd consider that healthy for you. I guess you feel like there may be something still there, but the reality and the truth is; I almost question if she knows you even exist?

 

Oh, I'm positive she hasn't wasted even a second of her time thinking about me since the last time I saw her years ago. Heck, after she rejected me, our friendship dissolved and she probably wanted to actively be away from me. I've never really hoped that something might still come of it, I mean, it's been so long and our paths were never really going to cross again. I just... I really wanted to have something with her. I loved the friendship we had at the time, and I wanted that, and more, and that was the only time I really felt like I was close. And I blew it. And I hate that.

 

If you aren't interested in meeting or dating anyone platonic or romantic; I don't know why it matters anyway? I think you may be pretty introverted, which is totally fine! We all have some level of companionship; yours may just be low.

 

Yeah, I dunno. I've accepted that I'm not cut out for having any kind of relationship with other people, but there's always that gnawing little feeling of disappointment that there was a moment in my life where that could've changed everything, and it didn't.

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Please, seek professional help!

 

This isn't because you're crazy, please don't see it this way. It's just because you're clearly frustrated with your life, even though you say "it's ok".

 

You can be happy. Perhaps you'll never have a romantic relationship, as much as not everyone is going to be a rocket scientist, as you well pointed out. Happiness is not about what you do for a living or your marital status. But within your own circumstances, you can be happy. You just need to organize things in your head and see things through a different perspective.

 

A trained counselor will help you work it out. Sometimes we just can't see it for ourselves.

 

All the best!

Edited by mon.
typo
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This isn't because you're crazy, please don't see it this way. It's just because you're clearly frustrated with your life, even though you say "it's ok".

 

You can be happy. Perhaps you'll never have a romantic relationship, as much as not everyone is going to be a rocket scientist, as you well pointed out. Happiness is not about what you do for a living or your marital status. But within your own circumstances, you can be happy. You just need to organize things in your head and see things through a different perspective.

 

Eh, I don't even really know what "happiness" means, to be honest. That's a concept that's completely lost on me, and I can't exactly desire something that I don't understand.

 

Either way, I don't "deserve" whatever happiness actually is. And no, that's not me being cynical or "depressed", it's just fact based on who I am. Even if I knew what happiness was, I, of all people, am the last person that should get to experience it.

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It's not crazy. Although, you should stop looking her up. It's poison for your spirit. Be strong and delete her. If she ask, simply say, without too many words, it was best for you. You can let her know that it has nothing to do with her but it was best for you. If she doesn't understand...that's her burden

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