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Is it worth it to move?


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goldenlotus

I'm in my mid30s, never married, living in the suburbs of a large city (Chicago) mainly by necessity. My job is here, but the area is full of older people and those who have settled down, and it's really hard to meet anyone here. There doesn't seem to be much going on - no meetup groups for people my age, etc. I tried going to local bars alone but every time it was mostly groups of couples and the occasional barfly. I have a few friends in Chicago but it takes me forever to get there and I usually have to spend the night if we are going out drinking, and it's become a hassle.

 

I feel like it may be time to move, but I'm not sure where to move to. I don't really want to move to the city because at this point it's just TOO big for me. I'll be giving myself a long commute and giving up a very comfortable apt for a more expensive, crappier one. Chicago can be a great city to visit and spend some time in but for myself it's just too crowded and industrial. I also feel like there are so many gorgeous, younger women there that I'll get passed over. I look much younger than I am, but that only means I get approached by 25 year olds. I've been doing online dating, but guys won't date me so far out of the city.

 

I considered that it might be time to move to a smaller city. My family lives near a smaller city, but it's freaking cold there and I'm not a huge fan of returning to a state I left. I've considered moving to Florida - Tampa area - because I have a few friends there and the weather will at least be nice...but of course it's really far from family.

 

My main concern right now is to find someone to date. I can handle anything else if I find the right person. I tend to be attracted to clean cut, professional looking men with an expressive, kind face. Too attractive is often a turnoff as well as smugness or arrogance. I like educated, progressive men that are slow to anger. I skew towards thicker, my sweet spot is stocky. I'll date someone decently overweight if they have good arms and shoulders.

 

Any advice for me?

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I think what you need to do is start looking for jobs in and around Tampa. Florida is a lovely place to live, though hurricanes can be devastating. People tend to be out and about more there because of the climate but also because there are so many wonderful natural places to go see. But you need to see if there is any substantial work there. Some nice vacation cities, the only jobs are hotel and restaurant, etc., and you didn't say what your career is in. Good luck.

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I would not give up a good job, a relatively short commute & a nice apartment to move for a chance, not a certainty, at love, especially if it means you also have to find a new job.

 

 

If you substitute NY for Chicago I was single in my late 30s right where you are in the suburbs frustrated by the lack of opportunity & getting annoyed by the guys would wouldn't travel outside the city for me, declaring me geographically undesirable.

 

 

I'd do the following

 

 

1. Keep looking for MeetUp Groups & singles events. Consider starting one.

 

 

2. Check out adult education classes near you to learn about something that interests you: finances, cooking, photography, golf, writing etc.

 

 

3. Volunteer somewhere doing something you are passionate about: rescuing animals, fighting a disease, the arts, etc.

 

 

4. Tell everybody you know you are interested in being set up

 

 

5. Join a coed sports team.

 

 

6. Look around at work. Not your job but in the building. On your way to work / where you get your morning coffee etc. At lunch. Also attend industry events -- continuing education classes, networking etc. to meet somebody in a similar field

 

 

7. Attend alumni events

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Tampa is a nice area, but there is no guarantee you will find what you're looking for there. Or any other place.

 

We can't say whether a move will be good for you or not. The man you're looking for could be where your are ... or anywhere else in the world.

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goldenlotus

Great ideas. I lived in another country and there were lots of tropical storms so I'm sure I can handle the hurricanes in Florida. Hey, at least I don't really have to also worry about earthquakes, tsunamis, and volcanic eruptions! ;)

 

My thoughts on Tampa were exactly that - more people getting out, so it might be a good base for making friends and dating.

 

d0nn, I'll go through your list - and thank you so much for compiling. I need ideas just like this. I've looked through meetup and adult ed classes, but in this area everyone skews older. The younger people around here are...well, they tend to be less educated and pretty conservative. I would totally volunteer and I should do it anyway. My job as a teacher basically means I'm around women and children and there's zero opportunity to meet any men. However, it does mean I can find other jobs in other places with more ease than most.

 

The longer I've been here, the more I realize that the single men around my area are not the type I go for. To find guys like that I'd have to go into the city, but...I've already explained why that's not easy. I did meet one guy from OLD near here and he was absolutely great and we did date for awhile...but it didn't work out and it was sort of a diamond in the rough situation.

 

A lot of my wanting to move is because while I'm comfortable in my apt and I like my job, I am not happy here in this area. I'm used to having lots of friends, being out and about, seeing amazing places and doing awesome things. Lately I find I just sit in my apartment alone night after night. I tried really hard to make friends here and meet people but I've more or less been unsuccessful.

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goldenlotus

Definitely aware that there are no guarantees. Hell, if I could go somewhere where I could make some friends through meetup or events I would be much happier. After thinking about it, I think I'm trying to decide between Milwaukee, Tampa, or staying put and moving closer to the city. One thing is clear - I can't stay where I'm at because it's just not working. Something has to change.

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Teaching is probably a female oriented profession but can you go to teacher's conferences or take CLE classes to meet teachers outside of your district?

 

 

If you aren't thrilled with your area & are confident you can get a new job somewhere you will like more, by all means move because you want to change your geography. Don't move ONLY because you want to date more.

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goldenlotus

My friend keeps telling me to move to Austin. I've heard great things about that place, but I have no connections there and there's really nothing about it that just grabs at me. I've moved to different countries where I didn't have connections, but every time there was something I loved about the place so it was worth it to me. I feel the same way about Seattle, California, Portland. They all sound great but I've never been there, don't know many people there, and unless I'm passionate about something there (music scene, hipster vibe, tech industry) I can't see focusing on those places.

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I used to work in Chicago for two years, and there seems to be an overage of women there. My female colleagues also complained that men weren't very forthcoming. Otherwise I just loved that place. I've hardly ever been in a city of that size that was quite as friendly.

 

I also traveled to Tampa for business. I never tried to date there, but I do not necessarily think it will be much better. The cost of living and the weather will be nicer, But as far as the availability of progressive and educated men are concerned, I'm afraid it would be a step in the wrong direction.

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thefooloftheyear

There's no shortage of fat progressive/passive type of men here....Come get em...:laugh:

 

TFY

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goldenlotus

I've been around and in that city for about 10 years, and you are absolutely right - too many women and the men have too many options.

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GorillaTheater
My friend keeps telling me to move to Austin. I've heard great things about that place, but I have no connections there and there's really nothing about it that just grabs at me. I've moved to different countries where I didn't have connections, but every time there was something I loved about the place so it was worth it to me. I feel the same way about Seattle, California, Portland. They all sound great but I've never been there, don't know many people there, and unless I'm passionate about something there (music scene, hipster vibe, tech industry) I can't see focusing on those places.

 

 

I don't know about the hipster vibe (I don't know that I'd recognize it if it jumped out in front of me), but Austin definitely has the music scene and tech industry.

 

 

It isn't quite as weird as it used to be, though.

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I don't know about the hipster vibe (I don't know that I'd recognize it if it jumped out in front of me), but Austin definitely has the music scene and tech industry.

 

 

It isn't quite as weird as it used to be, though.

 

It has the hipster vibe too.

 

Just think ... young folks. Not old and grumpy like us. :D

 

Plus, it's centrally located. A relatively easy drive to the other major cities in Texas - Dallas, Houston, and San Antonio.

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goldenlotus

Oh, I know it has all those things. I'm just not especially passionate about those things. :)

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GorillaTheater
Oh, I know it has all those things. I'm just not especially passionate about those things. :)

 

 

I misread your post, then. So what are you passionate about?

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I feel the same way about Seattle, California, Portland. They all sound great but I've never been there, don't know many people there, and unless I'm passionate about something there (music scene, hipster vibe, tech industry) I can't see focusing on those places.

 

Plus all those you have listed have a brutal cost of living, and wouldn't be on my top ten list if you'd want to raise a family. If you can bear the climate, Texas may be indeed a good option. There may be local urban centers, like Pittsburgh or Grand Rapids for example, that are progressive in itself, but are not these huge urban areas where women outnumber men.

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goldenlotus

I'm passionate about culture, history, beauty, green areas, swimming, liberal politics, charming coffee places or restaurants, travel. Living overseas was really a better match for me, but it's difficult to do long term. I can deal with cold, but I hate tons of snow which gets greasy and dirty and makes driving difficult, and I hate everything being gray for months. But for the right person, I'd make do.

 

I'm attractive and intelligent and I suspect that if I lived in Chicago I'd have been dating someone a long time ago. It's just that every time I consider moving there I feel a little sick to my stomach.

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goldenlotus

CptInsano, I agree. It seems that the more urban you go, the more likely you are to meet educated, progressive men...but that comes with massive cost (literally) and too many options. The last few single men I met in this area tended to be...I don't know if the word coarse is acceptable, but like that. I'm not equating blue collar, conservative, or lacking degrees as coarse, this is something different. Mainly they show up in ratty Tshirts, can't converse with me on most topics, and practically rape me with their eyes. It's uncomfortable to say the least.

 

You know what I just realized? Maybe I should specifically target short men. Possibly a very underutilized market.

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Florida, assuming you avoid parts of Miami, is just a beautiful paradise compared to most other places in the US, so I think if you have some friends there and can get employed, who not pick a beautiful fun place like that. Now, if you're not really a nature girl but more of a big city girl, maybe not, but a lot of city folks move there and love it once they grow accustomed.

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Make a list of places, and research them for their arts, culture, political leanings, age distribution, cost of living, job opportunities, etc. All of that is online, and there are sites that compare cost of living and provide the other information quite nicely.

 

 

Dating is probably a separate issue, aside from demographics about the number of singles by gender in your age range. Then look at some of the major dating sites to get a sense of how many people are using OLD, and get a sense of the things commonly said in profiles in that area. Some areas have a decided lack of progressives, and some are more blue-collar than others. College towns can be a good bet - but again, research.

 

 

Give some priority to places where you already know people who can help you adapt to a new place.

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I'm passionate about culture, history, beauty, green areas, swimming, liberal politics, charming coffee places or restaurants, travel. Living overseas was really a better match for me, but it's difficult to do long term. I can deal with cold, but I hate tons of snow which gets greasy and dirty and makes driving difficult, and I hate everything being gray for months. But for the right person, I'd make do.

 

I'm attractive and intelligent and I suspect that if I lived in Chicago I'd have been dating someone a long time ago. It's just that every time I consider moving there I feel a little sick to my stomach.

 

That sounds like the west coast to me - California, Oregon, or Washington. Hawaii. Maybe even Puerto Rico.

 

There's not a lot of what I consider culture in Florida. Liberal politics - it's the South. Swimming - gators and snakes - even if you have your own pool. Sharks. Well-educated and well-traveled people? Not so much. Lots of beauty and charm though. And no snow! :D

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CptInsano, I agree. It seems that the more urban you go, the more likely you are to meet educated, progressive men...but that comes with massive cost (literally) and too many options. The last few single men I met in this area tended to be...I don't know if the word coarse is acceptable, but like that. I'm not equating blue collar, conservative, or lacking degrees as coarse, this is something different. Mainly they show up in ratty Tshirts, can't converse with me on most topics, and practically rape me with their eyes. It's uncomfortable to say the least.

 

Men showing up in ratty t-shirts raping you with their eyes? Where do you find those? Well, never mind. A friend of mine had an OLD date where the guy tried to eat her food because he was literally hungry.

 

But at the end it's a catch-22 for you: Progressive men tend to be more urban, but urban areas have generally higher female to male ratios. I'm afraid you will have to pick your poison.

 

You know what I just realized? Maybe I should specifically target short men. Possibly a very underutilized market.

 

Not at all a bad idea at all, if you don't mind short men, that is.

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Come to the west coast, specifically the big cities. The men out number the women.

 

But the men there tend to be extremely picky, IMHO. I used to live near SF, and those guys would rather import than compromise, assuming that they are interested in women in the first place.

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