Feeling sad and lonely

[whatwhit]

Hi everyone,

 

 

I hope everyone is doing well. I am writing on here, not seeking a answer to a certain question. But maybe moreso, wanting to know if anyone has come across this "road block" in their lives before.

 

 

I have been a long term loveshack member, I think I made my first post back in 2009. I've been feeling really sad and lonely lately. I am about to be 30 years old, I don't have that many friends to lean on, and have been on countless dates that its hard to even keep track at time.

 

 

I know the friend part is somewhat my fault. I am socially awkward, I can tend to be a homebody - I do deal with anxiety and depression. So my mind is playing two battles, my anxiety is telling that voice "you're lame why are you not out, you're a loser . . and my depression voice tells me "you'll feel better if you stay home". It a constant battle that I understand I should seek therapy for.

 

 

I've been through some hardtimes. I lost my dad when I was 22, my brother is violent, and I have a older mother whose my best friend she will be 67 this month. I am deathly afraid of her passing on. Mostly because I don't know if I'll ever have anyone else to lean on when she's gone. She's the only person on this earth who doesn't judge me.

 

 

I've been on probably 500+ dates or more. With guys who lead me on to think they're into me but not, to those who tell me not to hurt them but end up doing so to me in the end, and cheat. I am an attractive person with a good job, and I wish someone could tell me what I'm doing wrong - why guys don't choose to stay. When I post on here, it's usually about a different guy every single time - that's also very depressing. Recently, I've connected with a man that lives in the UK. We hit it off, and I know I am coming on strong with him. I know he's attracted to me, but I also know it could never work out. I guess I hoped it would turn into some kind of love story - fall in love and be with a hot English dude who knows lol.

 

 

How do people meet new people in there 30s? I feel like I failed my mom by not finding someone by now. Has anyone ever felt this way?

 

 

Appreciate any answers, as I know this was kind of much as a post.

Edited July 11, 2017 by whatwhit

[New2this1]

Have you thought about focusing on yourself rather than finding a man. I know that it's a lot of pressure to be the center of someone else's world. You should create your own happiness, travel, enjoy life before it passes you by.

[CptInsano]

I've been on probably 500+ dates or more. With guys who lead me on to think they're into me but not, to those who tell me not to hurt them but end up doing so to me in the end, and cheat.

 

I agree with the previous poster that focusing on yourself should be top priority. 500 dates are a lot, and if the outcome was predominantly negative, I have no idea how you would be open to trust somebody. Plus, if you are looking for that one person to make things right, it can create an enormous expectation that is very hard to meet.

 

Why do you feel that people judge you and what for? I would honestly try to find friends first, so that not all your hopes and dreams rest on the shoulders of a romantic relationship.

[BaileyB]

Recently, I've connected with a man that lives in the UK. We hit it off, and I know I am coming on strong with him. I know he's attracted to me, but I also know it could never work out.

 

How do people meet new people in there 30s? I feel like I failed my mom by not finding someone by now. Has anyone ever felt this way?

 

Yes, I've felt that way. I dated many men, and it never worked out for me. I watched my friends and family members get married and have children, and it hurt desperately. My parents were very important to me. I felt like I let them down, because I couldn't give them grandchildren... I told my mother one day that she must be disappointed in me, and she told me "I don't care about grandchildren. All I wanted in this life is you!" I too worried about how I would cope when my parents got older and passed away... And then the worst happened, my mother died of cancer. It was absolutely devastating, but I got through it. So yes, I have felt this way...

 

I took a break from dating when I felt like "my failure" was destroying my self esteem and leading to depression. There was a specific moment - I had tried and failed to make it work with yet another guy - that morning, I called my friend to have yet another "why does it never happen for me?" discussion. I cried all the way to work and thought - who is this depressed, crying girl? Why am I valuing my self worth in whether or not I have a boyfriend? And more importantly, why am I doing this to myself?

 

So, I began to focus on myself - I built friendships, loved my family, and did the things that I enjoyed. I enjoyed that time and I was happy. I made my peace with the thought that maybe love wasn't meant for me. Until miraculously, I met a wonderful man with whom I have been enjoying life for the past few years. I really believe that this was the journey that I was meant to take... And I think our relationship has been so strong because I had become a very strong and healthy person. I feel grateful to have him in my life every day - but, I know that my life would have still been wonderful with or without him.

 

So, my advice is to focus on yourself. If you haven't found a good counsellor, start there. Focus on building some friendships. Think about what makes YOU happy and do it. And, if you have met a nice man who wants to get to know you... be grateful. Get to know him, have fun with him, and see what happens. I ask you - what if it did work out this time? We create in our lives what we believe to be true - believe that it won't work out, and it won't. Just take it one date at a time, and get to know this man... stay open to possibilities. You just never know what the future will bring.

 

Good luck to you.

Edited July 11, 2017 by BaileyB

[scooby-philly]

Hi everyone,

 

 

I hope everyone is doing well. I am writing on here, not seeking a answer to a certain question. But maybe moreso, wanting to know if anyone has come across this "road block" in their lives before.

Let's break your post down line by line. For me, I'm 36 now (b'day was 2 weeks ago). I can relate to your post a lot. My parents and paternal grandmother well emotionally immature, and I grew up in a love triangle so to speak bc my father did not know how to dismiss his mother and live his own life and used relationships as a crutch for his emotional immaturity and developed a know it all attitude as a defense mechanism on top of everything else. Just mentioning that as a basis for further responses below.

 

I have been a long term loveshack member, I think I made my first post back in 2009. I've been feeling really sad and lonely lately. I am about to be 30 years old, I don't have that many friends to lean on, and have been on countless dates that its hard to even keep track at time.

I'm 36. I can get lonely at times too. But if you read other posts on here enough you'll see how many people firmly believe that lots of people in relationships/marriages are lonely too - perhaps more so than those of us who are single. And trust me - my own experience and what I've witnessed with former friends - it's not the quantity of relationships that you have - but the quality. i've only got 3 close friends and maybe 6-12 "friends" - but with my close friends I know I could go to them anytime for any reason and get support, an ear, or a kick in the ass if I needed it. We too often confused "friends" with "buddies" or "pals". And while it's okay to go on dates - and a lot of them - (it does help you understand what you want and what you will/won't tolerate) but there are times when you have to re-wind and shut down for a while - a week, a few weeks, a month, even more - to process, to re-calibrate, to reexamine who you are and what you want.

 

I know the friend part is somewhat my fault. I am socially awkward, I can tend to be a homebody - I do deal with anxiety and depression. So my mind is playing two battles, my anxiety is telling that voice "you're lame why are you not out, you're a loser . . and my depression voice tells me "you'll feel better if you stay home". It a constant battle that I understand I should seek therapy for.

That sort of self-esteem problem needs professional counseling. With someone who's practical and who can guide you through developing countermeasures. Basically - sounds like you need to learn some techniques for turning off the negative voices if they get too much and then find ways to state positive things about yourself. I'm also introverted and I will tell you - the best leaders at companies I worked for, my best friends, and even many others I respect are not socialites. There's nothing wrong with being yourself and doing what you want/love.

 

I've been through some hardtimes. I lost my dad when I was 22, my brother is violent, and I have a older mother whose my best friend she will be 67 this month. I am deathly afraid of her passing on. Mostly because I don't know if I'll ever have anyone else to lean on when she's gone. She's the only person on this earth who doesn't judge me.That's a very tough thing - thankfully you had him till at least you were an "adult". There's nothing wrong with being "friends" with your parents - but the BF moniker should belong to someone else. If other people judge you, then you need to let them go.

 

 

I've been on probably 500+ dates or more. With guys who lead me on to think they're into me but not, to those who tell me not to hurt them but end up doing so to me in the end, and cheat. I am an attractive person with a good job, and I wish someone could tell me what I'm doing wrong - why guys don't choose to stay. When I post on here, it's usually about a different guy every single time - that's also very depressing. Recently, I've connected with a man that lives in the UK. We hit it off, and I know I am coming on strong with him. I know he's attracted to me, but I also know it could never work out. I guess I hoped it would turn into some kind of love story - fall in love and be with a hot English dude who knows lol.Again - that's a lot of dates. Instead of just running from one to the next - did you maybe think about doing a "matrix" or chart? Or at least take a step back and try and analyze them a bit and see if certain patterns emerge - not only about the guys themselves, but about your actions, reactions, and the outcome. And the answer is never thousands of miles away. On the .00001 % chance it is - the starts would align. Sounds like you have to learn how to let go a more quickly and maybe not let your fantasies get too far carried away. And I'm a firm believer that some people can attract the wrong type of person b/c of who they are, what they do, and what they say. There's a fine line between being sweet and being a push over. No offense - sounds like your own personal line in the sand may be a bit askew. There's a point where you have to stand your ground.

 

 

How do people meet new people in there 30s? I feel like I failed my mom by not finding someone by now. Has anyone ever felt this way? This, in my opinion, is the most disappointing thing you said. You live your life. One of the biggest problems (like top 5) we face in our society is we've lost the proper notion of what i means to be a parent. Yes, make them proud - but make them proud by being your dang self, by living a great life as you define great, and by being there when they ASK YOU to. Only you can determine what will make you happy - and look - not to be morbid....but whether she dies in 2 weeks, 2 months, 2 years, or 30 years from now - you will lose her at some point. We all don't get the "storybook" life - so while you can worry about her passing on before you find the right guy - if you think of that more than once or twice a year - then you're placing an undue burden on yourself and quite frankly - she may only want you to be happy.

 

 

Appreciate any answers, as I know this was kind of much as a post.

 

Hpoefully this was somewhat helpful OP. Let me know if you want to discuss any of these points more. But that last point - wow. Your job isn't to make your mother proud nor will you be a disappointment to her if you're living life the way you want to.

[BaileyB]

Further to the last post, there are many people who are in marriages but they are still lonely. Or, they are desperately unhappy in their marriages. I felt lonely sometimes when I was single and I wished that I had a partner to enjoy certain things, I often thought that I would rather be single than in an unhappy or abusive marriage.

 

If I may share my favorite quote - "It's impossible to feel lonely when you are good company." I tried to embrace this quote - I lived my life, traveled, took classes, went out with friends, etc...

 

One of the things that helped me was to realize that love was love. I may not have a boyfriend, but I was loved and I loved my parents, my family, my nieces and nephew, my friends, etc... and with these people, there was nothing that I couldn't do in life.

 

It is nice to have that one person in your life, but it's not the "fairy tale" that you imagine it to be. Life with a partner won't always live up to your expectations. It means that you don't get to make your own decisions, you have to put up with differing opinions, annoying habits, etc... There are things about the single life that I miss... Definitely.

 

I find it sad that you have met someone who appears interested but you have already written it off... You have put expectations on the relationship "I'm coming on strong with him," but you have already decided that it won't work. You are already asking - "how do people in their 30's date?" These are self-limiting behaviors and thoughts, and I doubt that you will be successful in dating with this attitude. Really, think about that and what you need to change about your expectations. One of my dear friends used to say to me - "it's just a date! Your only responsibility on the date is to have fun and decide - do I like him enough to see him again..." There is truth in that.

Edited July 11, 2017 by BaileyB

[caveman621]

I won't try to offer advice, except to say we all feel sad and lonely sometimes. I wish you happiness.

 

OK, not advice, but a personal story. I was married at 26 and divorce should be final any time now. I found, I swear, the love of my life just over two years ago at age 52 and we're house hunting now. So, my two cents, better to find the right one and not the right now one, and, at 30, it's REALLY not too late.

 

Much love to you!

[Gaeta]

Whatwhit. I have a 30 yo daughter who's single and looking so I understand very well the emotional turmoil you are going through. Coincidently my daughter also lost her father at 22 and ever since she has an out-of-measure fear of losing me.

 

I don't know if it's a fear of abandonment related to losing a father but I see similarities between my daughter's dating experiences and yours.

 

I had plenty of time alone with my daughter listenning to her about her dating life and I have come to the conclusion she is picking the wrong men, practically all the time. Most of the time they are emotionally unavailable men that keep her on the tip of her toes. She is constantly wondering about their interest, why they don't communicate, she puts too much efforts into them, she analyze every little words, it's exhausting just looking at her go. Imagine how exhausting it is to be living it.

 

All this to tell you that I think the answer to all this is in the loss of a father and the fear of abandonment that comes with it. Offer yourself a gift and go in therapy, it will last you a life time.

[BaileyB]

I won't try to offer advice, except to say we all feel sad and lonely sometimes. I wish you happiness.

 

OK, not advice, but a personal story. I was married at 26 and divorce should be final any time now. I found, I swear, the love of my life just over two years ago at age 52 and we're house hunting now. So, my two cents, better to find the right one and not the right now one, and, at 30, it's REALLY not too late.

 

Much love to you!

 

Oh goodness, so true. I could have found "someone" to marry and I was encouraged to do just that by many well meaning friends... But I am so glad that I waited. I would rather have the right man than just any man... Because that leads to unhappy marriage, divorce, and a life of struggle raising children as a single mother.

 

Trust us, it's REALLY not too late for you. You will find happiness, it is all a part of the journey...

[Gr8fuln2020]

How in the world does one go on 500+ dates and not find someone with intentions to have a relationship?! It definitely sounds like you need to spend some time on yourself.

[OatsAndHall]

My strong advice is to go out and make a circle of friends. Having a social connection will help alleviate some of the loneliness. I struggled after my divorce because it had just been her, I and the kids for so long. I only had a couple of friends in area I was living and they were both raising families so there wasn't much room to hang out. So, I dated and dated and dated, basically just trying to meet someone to spend time with. I grew weary of that in a hurry and started making a concerted effort to make new friends. Over the space of the last year, I have met about a half-dozen people that I spend time with and I am much happier.

 

So, try to get out to some social scenes that interest you. I'm not a big fan of the bars but I like to shoot pool so I do that once or twice a week. I love to fish so I hit up ANYBODY that expresses an interest in it and we go out. One friend and I only have one thing in common; we like the same kinds of movies. So, he and I get together and watch flicks every other week or so.

 

Making some friends will help you to work on yourself as well. It's far too easy to get sucked into a bad state of mind when you're spending a lot of time alone. Getting out means getting out your own head which will help.

[Gaeta]

How in the world does one go on 500+ dates and not find someone with intentions to have a relationship?! It definitely sounds like you need to spend some time on yourself.

 

People used to tell me the same thing when I hit my 200 men met. It did not help me.

 

She does not need to be alone, just like I did not need to be alone I had just spend 10 years being single.

 

What she needs, and what I needed, is to understand she is not picking the right men. She needs to give herself some standards and stop going out with anyone giving her a bit of attention. Last date was with someone living an hour away, now is someone from another countries, those are dead-end prospects.

[coolheadal]

Hi everyone,

 

 

I hope everyone is doing well. I am writing on here, not seeking a answer to a certain question. But maybe moreso, wanting to know if anyone has come across this "road block" in their lives before.

 

 

I have been a long term loveshack member, I think I made my first post back in 2009. I've been feeling really sad and lonely lately. I am about to be 30 years old, I don't have that many friends to lean on, and have been on countless dates that its hard to even keep track at time.

 

 

I know the friend part is somewhat my fault. I am socially awkward, I can tend to be a homebody - I do deal with anxiety and depression. So my mind is playing two battles, my anxiety is telling that voice "you're lame why are you not out, you're a loser . . and my depression voice tells me "you'll feel better if you stay home". It a constant battle that I understand I should seek therapy for.

 

 

I've been through some hardtimes. I lost my dad when I was 22, my brother is violent, and I have a older mother whose my best friend she will be 67 this month. I am deathly afraid of her passing on. Mostly because I don't know if I'll ever have anyone else to lean on when she's gone. She's the only person on this earth who doesn't judge me.

 

 

I've been on probably 500+ dates or more. With guys who lead me on to think they're into me but not, to those who tell me not to hurt them but end up doing so to me in the end, and cheat. I am an attractive person with a good job, and I wish someone could tell me what I'm doing wrong - why guys don't choose to stay. When I post on here, it's usually about a different guy every single time - that's also very depressing. Recently, I've connected with a man that lives in the UK. We hit it off, and I know I am coming on strong with him. I know he's attracted to me, but I also know it could never work out. I guess I hoped it would turn into some kind of love story - fall in love and be with a hot English dude who knows lol.

 

 

How do people meet new people in there 30s? I feel like I failed my mom by not finding someone by now. Has anyone ever felt this way?

 

 

Appreciate any answers, as I know this was kind of much as a post.

 

You need to find yourself and join a Reiki Circle Group. That will help you with the emotional side of your life. Once you do that then you can start thinking about love again. Are you sure 500 plus dates that's a lot wow. I am picky and I won't be doing that as I am also very selective. I had my share of the crazies and the married with children type. I know that will never work for me. You can control your emotions and you need to find the right guy. Lot of of guys are not stable in the mind, a lot of issues and toxic people. Just sometimes you just want to be left a lone. I talk to a lot of people but I talk to them and learn and grown. I would like to settle and have a new life. Women are complex and don't know what the heck they want. I just have keep at it. You need to find your inner self again. I reading you so you can see where your going. Family is important to you but you still need to think about you for a change.

[whatwhit]

Thanks everyone for your replies. I'm successfully tearing up at work haha. I didn't think anyone would reply because of how sad this post is.

 

Ok 500 may be exaggerated a little bit, but I have been on a lot. I can reasonate with the one poster, I go on a lot of dates really just to meet new people and get out of the house. The U.K. guy I didn't intend on talking to him, nor sought to try to meet a person in the U.K. We got connected on a same account together and just kept communicating.

 

I will try to find a good therapist again. My last one wasn't very helpful. I appreciate all the replies seriously thank you so much.

[Gr8fuln2020]

People used to tell me the same thing when I hit my 200 men met. It did not help me.

 

She does not need to be alone, just like I did not need to be alone I had just spend 10 years being single.

 

What she needs, and what I needed, is to understand she is not picking the right men. She needs to give herself some standards and stop going out with anyone giving her a bit of attention. Last date was with someone living an hour away, now is someone from another countries, those are dead-end prospects.

 

Understood. My post was certainly not helpful. My question was more rhetorical than anything else.

[Mkn1010]

Whatwhit. I have a 30 yo daughter who's single and looking so I understand very well the emotional turmoil you are going through. Coincidently my daughter also lost her father at 22 and ever since she has an out-of-measure fear of losing me.

 

I don't know if it's a fear of abandonment related to losing a father but I see similarities between my daughter's dating experiences and yours.

 

I had plenty of time alone with my daughter listenning to her about her dating life and I have come to the conclusion she is picking the wrong men, practically all the time. Most of the time they are emotionally unavailable men that keep her on the tip of her toes. She is constantly wondering about their interest, why they don't communicate, she puts too much efforts into them, she analyze every little words, it's exhausting just looking at her go. Imagine how exhausting it is to be living it.

 

All this to tell you that I think the answer to all this is in the loss of a father and the fear of abandonment that comes with it. Offer yourself a gift and go in therapy, it will last you a life time.

 

 

I just wanted to say that this is excellent advice that really stood out to me! I seem to also be exactly like your daughter (30 year old female, dad left our family, fear of abandonment and always picking emotionally unavailable men). I firmly believe that the 'chemistry' I feel with these types is a product of getting all wound up by their inconsistency, untimely replies to messages, flakiness etc etc because I subconsciously prefer to follow dead ends and go 'all in' where the prospects of success are really low.

 

 

It's actually mind blowing that I have felt 'deeply connected' to a guy living in a different state, or one fresh out of a marriage, for example, and then nothing for the many many nice men with no red flags. My recent post on whether or not to meet up with a nice guy is an example of this very thing, where I cited reasons like the fact that he wears hair gel and likes a pizza place that I don't like as incompatibilities!! I'm always looking for a stupid excuse to bail, but I seemingly would rather go for the crap tards!

 

 

OP, perhaps this is a very real and relevant issue to examine within yourself! Thanks Gaeta